Fjdreams' Blog-orrific Extravaganza Espectacularsíssi

Wow so a week has gone by. It's been a really long time since I went a whole week without a drink. I can't say it's been difficult yet. There have definitely been times when I wanted a drink, though - usually after a particularly stressful day; or just when there's a perfect sunset that would call for having a nice drink on a patio somewhere.
We've had to change some plans because of the no-drinking rule. For example, we would have gone to see this band that's coming to town, but we figured if we weren't going to be drinking, it wouldn't be as fun. Hanging out with a bunch of drinking people listening to a band we're not 100% in love with would just not be that fun.

Man this blog post is even boring me right now. I'll come back if this shit actually gets hard. Toodles!

I'm trying not to have any alcohol for the next month, which deliberately enough coincides with my birthday weekend at the end of August. Part of the reason I want to stop is just to give my liver a rest. Another part is to give my wallet a rest! Another reason is that I want to make sure I'm not unknowingly an alcoholic. The only problem I foresee is that my living situation makes it difficult and/or boring when we can't just go find a bar. I don't really have a home, a home base. A place just for myself.

Anyway, I had my three favorite drinks last night, plus some drunk guy demanded to buy me a shot of Jameson, so that went into the mix as well. I think I got decently drunk. It will suffice. Nowwww onward to sobriety. I plan to check in on this blog here and there so track my journey. It's not that interesting but maybe writing things down will help keep me on track.

Until we meet again adieu adieu!

My heartbeat is noticeable to me, surprising as I'm usually calm or just plain unaware of my interoception. Something keeps me in my parked car for a moment. I pretend to need to check one last work email before going in, but I know it's a ruse. I know the onslaught of emotion is near, and I do not feel ready to face it yet.

I kill the engine and slowly step out into the summer heat. The steps into the facility seem long and ominous, a first villain to be defeated before I'm allowed access to them again. How can one be so nervous when returning to one's own? The woman at the counter, with a child clinging to her hip, steps aside for me. She continues the conversation with the lady behind the desk. This is run of the mill, and my nervousness and awkward unfamiliarity with the process neither bothers nor intrigues them. I fumble with the pen, curiously eyeing the strong, yet tired woman with her child--and it's genuine curiosity. Will I even remember today when my time here becomes so routine?

"So I just go get them?" She smiles, still lacking comfort, and nods. I step into the long hallway, with my heart now banging almost comically, like a cartoon pounding visibly through my throat. The door to the room is glass, so I furtively try to take a peek, try to imagine what their day has been like. Did they think about me? Do they know to? But, seated next to her brother at the tiny table, wearing an oversized bib and a frown, she sees me instantly. The lip quivers and she bursts into tears. I can't know what is going on in her developing mind, but if I were in her shoes I'd imagine it was overwhelming relief. I came back.

Of course I did, my pearl.

My twins started daycare this morning. I just cannot believe how emotional I felt. I've had a lump in my throat all day, too. They didn't cry or anything. Luckily, we got there right at snack time, so they were given a chair and sat down to eat an orange. I don't think they even noticed that I left, which is good. It would have been hard if they were upset. But who knows how the rest of their day is going. Will they be happy to see me after work or will they want to stay there with their new friends? I know parenting is going to be fraught with this sort of stuff and I'm not ready.