Gay: Always Have, Always Will

The wish that I might become something more conforming was always the wish. I guess I was fortunate enough never to have had anyone in my family tell me to stop being a homosexual. I was given boundaries and was told what is and isn't appropriate... don't steal, don't put on mommy's clothing, keep it in your pants except to go number one.

But I knew I was not athletic and that I didn't want to play with the rougher boys. I had asthma so playing baseball was not an option and besides, I never wanted to be in the sun or sweat. I preferred watching television or reading books inside during the sweltering days of summer even though I could have been in a swimming pool, or could have joined friends for multi-player card games, or any number of interactive activities.

In my senior years, I find myself attending a 2-hour rap group session online. It's designed for gay. They can live a life anywhere on the spectrum of gayness. Some were married to women. Some still are married to women (in a somewhat open relationship). Some are like me.

I recall going on 3-4 dates in high school; 2 or 3 concerts and a movie (with different girls). In college there was one girl who was interested in me. I didn't share the sentiment and I know that she wanted more. How could I tell her that the highlight of going to her home after classes was to spend alone time walking her dog (I never had one growing up). I hurt her feelings, but I wasn't going to pretend that I was something different than what I was.

"Maybe you're a closet heterosexual!" she once threw at me.

"Not hardly," I said.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Well, because I have seen what it looks like and I know what possible things could be done with it, and I find all of it totally repugnant. I wouldn't want to put my gloved hand (let alone my penis) anywhere around there." I'm pretty sure I must have thrown in a 'no offense' at some point.

Suffice it to say, if a girl gets bent out of shape because you think she needs more make up on her otherwise pale face, she isn't going to be a good sport about being told that her nether regions make a man recoil.

Gay love? I have tried four or five times. The problem I always seemed to face is that I could never quite find another person who was into the commitment of the thing as much as I was. I was either in it because the other person needed something (a place to stay, wheels, a meal ticket) or because the other person saw an opportunity to work his co-dependent magic on me (in other words, I was the project that needed work or change).

I live alone and I rather like it. Guests stress me out. I have had tenants who live in a room with a closed door. Some how I have always found ones who felt most comfortable dealing in cash. They thought I was the odd one because the only cash I ever had was in a coffee can. (I have later learned to keep about $20 in singles so that I can leave a tip after the meal in a restaurant).

Dreaming about being straight doesn't cross my mind. I am happy to attend heterosexual weddings, to see young children grow and learn, and to hear stories about family living. The culture that I opted for in my own life resonates well with me. I had given thought to life on a commune, but have come to realize that I am not always happy with participating in the democratic process. So instead, I live in a detached 2BR/1 bathroom house that's about 100+ years old on a piece of dirt that is probably larger in size than the house. No complaints. No regrets.

And I don't have to apologize for dripping my morning coffee through a cotton sock or coming up with bland meals such as chicken croquettes or tuna on rye.