Dale : Dear Friend & Greatest Disappointment

We all have one in our lives. Some have more. Others have many more.

Being disappointed is my choice. I never asked you to be the way you were and I certainly never had the right to wish or expect you to be any different than that.

So, why the disappointment?

No matter how attentive I am to the story I am being told, I can never fully appreciate what is going on in the mind of someone who grew up under totally different circumstances.

Dale was one of those people who lived in Ohio near the West Virginia border. It sounds pretty and rural; brooks and trees in areas that have more churches than people. They also have a lot of alcoholism, racism, homophobia and generalized hate. Many express a love of Jesus and a desire to aspire to living a life that would make Him proud. Not sure how proud Jesus would be knowing that one of his 'sons' was being called f*gg*t within the family.

Dale had to leave 'home' when he was 17 because his father was chasing him with a shotgun after the teenager came out. I guess if praying the gay away doesn't work, a rifle is probably the next best tool of choice. Dale did find someone who took him in and the two were long-term lovers.

But Dale had other health problems that affected his life. While doing roofing, he lost his balance, fell, and landed on a rock. It shattered his hip. He was rushed to a county hospital. They had never worked on the hip of a person so young. No one ever said this for sure, but I suspect the surgery/surgeries were a collection of f**k ups with the possible insertion of metals that were defective.

In another mishap, Dale was burning trash outside. Some of the ingredients were probably more flammable than others. He got hit by a fire ball. Again... rushed to a hospital (I think this one was air-vac). Healing from burns is painful. Skin never quite looks the same. And there is great risk for infection. And infection was something that he got in heaping doses. So, he'd be hooked to an IV drip of some broad-based antibiotic, and he'd be somewhat better, but never fully 100%.

When xMas rolled around, Dale and his life partner were headed to Maryland for some holiday cheer. Just as they had closed the gate to the farm, they got

t-boned by a drunk driver. I guess someone was hitting the sauce a tad bit early that year. The both of them went to the hospital with broken bones.

Dale lost his life partner to cancer. I don't think they were ever officially married. Dale became addicted to pain killers. I used to send him money every now and again for emergencies, but that ended when the money went for cigarettes and 'pain pills' that he would buy from his neighbor. Dale decided to make his own pain medicine. That life choice landed him in prison.

When he was released, I had offered to take him in. He never said no and he never said yes. He knew, I suppose, that I would not put up with his using. So, he opted to live with someone who took most of his money, but who also shared drugs with him.

Dale died of internal bleeding. Not quite sure if it was his esophagus or liver. I'm sure it was painful.

I considered him a friend. He called me the same back, but he never quite said it in deeds. I had been tempted to tell him that he was loved (you know, by Jesus and me), but I never quite got around to saying it because then the other person might feel there is an implied obligation to say something back. And there is nothing worse in life than sharing an I LOVE YOU with someone who can't or won't say it back. I even had someone tell me that I was NEVER to say that again.

I wish I could have been more helpful. I wish you had been more trusting. You certainly had nothing to be afraid of with me.

The memory of your company is still a part of my daily reflections. Maybe I have to (re-)consider who the bigger disappointment was from.