When is enough, enough?

When was it you new this shit had you by the balls? I've struggled with addictions since I was a early teenager and I'm in my mid 30's now. I've always drank and burned bud and found alot of peace thru it but it opened the gateways to a living he'll literally! I developed a coke problem in my early 20's and enjoyed it alot until I started smoking that shit. Something changed it was no longer fun I was miserable and hated it. Peeping out the windows looking in the closet for the cops. Pure misery but after years of struggling I overcame it and was able to quit that madness. I tried and tried to find the replacement and when I discovered opiates I was in heaven. I controlled them and loved them for about 6 months and discovered roxi's and opana and all the harder stuff and found my misery once again. Finally discovered the 1 thing I swore to never do and started banging dope, pure hell! 5 years now trying to get clean off and on, started at a methadone clinic and that for me was as bad as shooting the dope I was addicted as ever. Quit cold turkey and paid the price for 3 weeks until relapse again. Been on suboxone 3 times now and I'm in a better place then ever thru addiction. Some days are good, some suck but I'm getting better everyday. I think relapse is coming again one day. It scares me to death I never wanna use again. Makes me wonder when is enough, enough? I no I don't wanna use but all it takes is 1 bad day and I'm right back. It sucks this disease will never leave im gotta face the fact everyday that I'm a junkey ass dope fiend drug addict forever and I can't ever use successfully again, ever! True feelings from a clean today addict. Suboxone helps people so if your out their and don't no what to do just no it's possible. I wish every dope fiend finds peace including myself! Today's a good day but I got something deep inside me that says you can get high successfully the next time, I want to kill that demon but he will never die.

Serenity is my word of the day. I hope we all find it! Peace and love and happyness and all that good stuff to you.

Sincerely,
A fuckin' real life drug addict

 

2 days ago I received a call and it was a lady from the methadone clinic and she said it's been a year since I was last their and wanted to no how I was. I told her what I was doing and she said well if you ever need us were here for you. No thanks, that's my demons tempting me every fucking day.

 

i feel for ya,drink most days, burn everyday, 30 myself been down the coke road fer 10 years, and now on pills hard. its a hard life to live. your not alone in this. i was having a bad day, and your post made me feel a little better in some way. mabye cause i,m not alone in this hell. hope the best for ya. thanks fer your post.

 

I knew from the very first time that I ingested an opioid that they would play a major part in my life somehow in the future. I didn't know how. I didn't know when. But I knew that they were something I was not easily going to forget.

That was back in 2008 when I first tried Hydrocodone. It was 7.5mg. I remember it very well. It was literally the first time in my life that I felt like a 'normal' person. Dealing with mental illness my whole life, I didn't know how that felt. Just being able to live in the moment and not being preoccupied with past or future was very special. And feeling the smallest pleasures of life being amplified 100 fold was a unique sensation.

To then, I had tried (in addition to many antidepressants and psychiatric drugs including benzos that were prescribed) only alcohol and Cannabis. I knew that I liked Cannabis way more than alcohol, and benzos were okay. But this (ie: Hydrocodone) was like something that literally 'fit like a glove.' I even remember what I said after wrapping up the meeting with my best friend when we tried the Hydrocodone: "Man. There's something about this stuff. I think I could take this every day!" I wasn't completely serious about that statement then, but it sure is telling.

I experimented on and off for two more years. I was 'lucky' enough to get injured twice (only minor, but very painful) to get two courses of Hydrocodone. It just built my secret love-affair even more. Then, on one fateful night, at a CRAZY party at my best friends house in 2009, we were all drunk and high on Klonopin, and I 'let out' my secret love for opioids. I said to my one friend (who had drug connections): Get me the strongest opiate you can find for me.

So, two days later, I participated in the only drug deal of my life, but boy was it a shady one. I ended up with 3 60mg OxyContin pills (the old OC formula of course). Since I had no tolerance, I made them last for about 2 months. I still regard those two months as some of the best of my life. It was also the first time I insufflated anything. My friends knew I had been 'hooked' by then. But I never let the addiction impact my performance in school, etc. (even until the day I got on Suboxone thankfully...) so they just regarded it as one of my many 'quirks.'

Last summer and Fall I got prescribed Tramadol for my severe migraines (which I found out this year, were due to high blood pressure...). That is when I became physically dependent. I remember the very night that I WOKE UP at 3 am 'dopesick.' I knew at that moment that things were about to change in my life very drastically. So I went from taking 50mg of Tramadol (equivalent to 5mg of Hydrocodone) per day to 350mg per day. I was cautious not to exceed the 400mg maximum recommended ceiling though for fear of seizures (I never did get one...).

Then, I made the most brave but difficult phone call in my life. I called my mother and confessed my opioid addiction. She was supportive, especially when I told her that I already made the appointment with the Suboxone doctor.

And from then on, it has just been Suboxone. But I love Suboxone just as much as any other opioid I have tried. I find it quite euphoric and never built a tolerance to it in over a year now. So I will happily pay the small fee to take it every day for the rest of my foreseeable future.

So my quote was fulfilled: I take opiates every day of my life.

THAT'S MY STORY!

 

Nice story ET I enjoted it and im glad you found the answer to your problem. Stoner im glad you got a smile from all of this. I was just rambling my true feelings, it good to get them out and annonimously is the easies way sometimes. Lifes been a bitch to me but my message is HOPE! I have hope today thanks to suboxone and alot of counselling and a ton of effort on my part. If I can do it anybody can and that is what I want any drug addict to no, their is hope.

 

I never had say, a physical addiction really. My one addiction was weed. But I liked a lot of drugs, and always balanced out my use of all of them, except weed, which I smoked every day so much that it became like smoking cigarettes.

I am 6 1/2 days clean from everything, weed, booze, not that I had a problem with the latter anyway and just pure clearheadedness for the past week basically. Haven't done opiates in like 2 weeks, last time was smoking tar my bud sent from out west. I plan on getting fucked up next over thanksgiving break, that should be fun, even my weed tolerance will be so low, I haven't even been more than 2-3 days sober in like 4-5 years.

It's not so much that taking a break from all of this is hard, it's just a lot harder to deal with everyone's bullshit and do things that I always did high, sober.

What urged me to stop with all of this was a bad sickness, some bronchial bullshit too, which made me stop smoking weed because it wasn't fun anymore really. So I have sickness to thank and I felt really shitty yesterday, on the brink of like a flu or something, maybe I was just exhausted but I slept it off and only felt sore this morning, fine now after relaxing on the couch and drinking tea.

But I do feel for all my addicted brethren, suboxone helped a ton of my friends who had nasty dope habits, but in the end it's really the mental part that has kept some of them chained to using dope. Once they got out of the fog they were in, they found life to be really boring and static, as well as feeling apathetic for the most part.

Best thing would just be to educate yourself on EVERYTHING, before going in, and have people that have gone on ahead of you to compare yourself with, but not judge, that won't help anything. That is how I escaped from falling down the same road, I learned from their mistakes primarily, as opposed to my own. Had I not known the things I did though, I'm sure I'd be six feet deep a long time ago.

And I hate to quote AA/NA, as I think that program only works for those who are religious or helpless, but "one day at a time." That's what I've been doing, without them. But oh, life just doesn't help. I wish you all luck on however you recover.

So yea, my enough, enough was getting sick and smoking on top of that, even though I did that before but this time was a wake up call.

 

That's great beatnik, I wish I could control my dope usage. I'd love to get high for thanksgiving and shit like that but if I do I'll be out for God knows how long? Never could control myself. I'm happy today with my suboxone and at peace with not getting high. I stay busy though and that helps. With out some kind of counseling and talking about what makes us become addicts it's just so much harder to stay clean atleast for me. I smoked bud for a while after I cleaned up but started getting all in my head every time I got stoned. It just wasn't fun for me anymore so I said fuck it and put it down as well. Good for you for containing yourself with the hard drugs I'm jealous. Just think how fuckin high and stoned you'll be come thanksgiving that's gonna be great! Take care bro.

 

Hey guys, hang in there. I know it's hard. I was hooked on benzos and speedballs for a while. I OD'd on heroin lots of times. I still shoot dope every once in a while, but I'm no longer a heavy user.

i remember the first time I snorted Oxycontin. It was such an amazing high it blew my mind. I just layed on my bed, listening to a Nirvana record, feeling that warm blanket surround me. All my problems evaporated, but I still knew in the back of my mind that I was getting deep into something and that my life was never going to be the same.

I found that work keeps me busy, and I get high off of my job, which is pretty exciting. I forget about getting high when I work a lot because I love what I do so much.

I know it's very, very hard, but I have faith and I wish the best for everyone on this forum.

 

That's funny you mention your first snort of OxyContin. I also remember the first time I insufflated OxyContin (my first 'intense' opioid experience other than popping 10mg of Vicodin occasionally...). It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life and I still remember everything about it: Where it was, how I did it, where I snorted it (in my car parked in front of a coffee shop in the city- right in front of lots of people who I am sure saw me...), and what it felt like. I even remember the music I listened to as I melted into the chair in the coffee shop five minutes later.

Good to hear you have lowered your destructive behavior significantly.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW339B0ABVA"]Scrubs J.D. and Turk Meet Old MC - YouTube

helpful in more ways than one.

 

Yea I remember my first time getting some 30's. I was in Florida and railed one, my boy was smoking a bowl and I was so high I could barely look at it much less hit it. We went to a nature park beside his house and I remember feeling like a million bucks on top of the world and wide ass open. All my problems in life left for that day. I ended up doing alot that day getting all jacked up. That night my boys ended up buying some crack, not my DOC but when put in my face I couldn't say no. Smoked that shit and remember feeling like I was gonna have a heartattack. Scared me to death had to quit smoking that crap. Ended up living thank God but it scared me. I was right back on the 30's the next day like nothing ever happened. My boys smoked crack every night I was their but I didn't smoke it again! Looking back I see how stupid I am. Glad them days are past.

 

its never enough man.. ive borrowed 6500 in student loans since september 3rd the first day of the fall semester and it hasnt even been 3 months.. an i have nothin left 2 show for it, along with gettin fired and gaining another job and fired again.. the cycle nver stops but my debt keeps climbing .. and still i havent learned my lesson, only thing keepin me happy is knowin in 12 hours i will have a few opana40s !!!!!!!!!!!!!! cant fuckin wait!!!!!!!!!! but seriously man i hate it as much as u , just dont have the mental power 2 stop

 

Mike, I dont no if I ever couldve done it without the help of suboxone and a real desire to get cleaned up. It allowed me to start healing mentally and physically and adjust to living without dope. Its a miracle drug if your heads in the right place. I used to always think about getting off subs and how id be with no crutch to stay off dope but the longer im on it the more benifits I see from it. Today im alright if I have to take it forever but I do want to get off it one day if I can get to that point. It sucks being trapped in addiction as you are, ive been their and feel for you. I cashed in a $30,000 401k a few years ago and run thru it in less then a year so I can relate. It does come a point though when it is enough. Im just tired of being that slave to the dope. I still get a little demon in my head from time to time saying I can sucessfully use again but deep down I no thats bullshit. Hopefully your day will come too when it has been enough. I wish you all the best in your fight.....

 

Hi SirItchALot, it's been quite a long time, I hope you still remember me. Your thread back in February really helped me consider quitting along with numerous other factors.

I think the opiate addiction is about as close to hell as you can get (aside from maybe prison or being in a war). There is that point where you are not yet physically dependant but you really are perched on the edge of that cliff. Once you do develop that physical dependence, you fall right off. Getting back up is insanely hard, having to muster all your willpower and strength just to make any progress.

We all know what you're going through. I've been clean for nearly 8 months now and I'm still climbing that cliff, I know at any moment I could fall and hit the bottom, but I've made so much progress I do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't happen. It's incredibly hard, everywhere I go, everything I see on TV, something or someone has to mention/joke about pain pills. I work my damn hardest to keep myself preoccupied, sometimes I'll work 60+ hours a week or play video games for 8 hours straight just to get my mind off them, granted it's been much easier to avoid thinking about them since I've been clean so long, but those thoughts pop up from time to time never-the-less.

My story with opiates is probably similar to everyone else's. I started taking lortabs when I was 15-16 years old, me and my friends would raid our parents/grandparents medicine cabinets and swallow as many as we could (pretty naive right?). Back then I never really got addicted though, is was more of a once a month sort of thing. I was more into weed, alcohol, ectasy, and experimenting with a whole slew of hallucinogens (shrooms, acid, peyote, the 2-C's, even effing over-the-counter drugs). Messing with those really messed with my head, I had crippling depression, random flashbacks at bad times, and damn near permanent tracers and random hallucinations.

At that point I really just said eff those drugs and smoked weed all day everyday and got flat-out plastered every Friday and Saturday night. During this point I was taking 5-6 lortab 7.5's a month (1 1/2 or so every weekend). It wasn't really because I didn't want to develop an addiction, but because that was all I had access to. I wouldn't say I was anywhere near addiction at that point. It all changed though. One day my friend said "check this out!" and busted out a bottle of 180 tramadols. We gobbled them all up in 10 days (9 each a day). I plunged off that cliff.

After that I was all about pills. Perc's, OC's, MS Contin, Lortabs, Norcos, Tramadol, Roxies, whatever I could get my hands on. I spent 90% of every dollar I earned on them.

That continued until I got busted for weed and was sentenced to a year of probation with drug tests every 3-4 days so I quit everything all together. I reclaimed my life, I felt amazing, spectacular, brilliant, and high-on-life. My family life was great, my health was great, my job was going great, I put on 35 pounds of muscle (which was significant considering I was 5'11" and weighed only 115 pounds, downright sickly looking) and I had the first girlfriend I had in 2 years. After the year of probation I stayed clean and was very happy and adamant in doing so. I finally felt like I had pulled myself back over the cliff edge after struggling to get back up for a long time.

One June night I was hit by a drunk driver while I was asleep in my friend's car as we drove home. I woke up in the back seat half dead screaming at the top of my lungs. I was rushed to the hospital where I was placed into a doctor-induced coma for 3 days. The diagnosis? 5 broken ribs, 2 broken arms (in multiple places), 2 broken legs (in multiple places), broken wrist, broken collar bone, broken sternum, shattered knee cap, moderate to severe head trauma, and worst of all fractured vertabrae in my spine. I spent months in the hospital, I had to learn how to walk and write again. All the while I was in a heavily induced morphine daze. I finally came home, a broken man and severly addicted to opiates again.

While I was recovering I was taking a slew of pain killers, Roxies and OC's. I always, I repeat ALWAYS, ran out before I could refill my prescriptions so I had to resort to buying street pills. At one point I was taking 200-250+ mg's of oxycodone a day. One month I ran out, I called my dealer, he had no pills but had some heroin. I was so far gone, and so far down that cliff ("The Rocky Bottom") I didn't even think twice, didn't even hesitate, just said hell yeah and bought as much as I could. I smoked and snorted that heroin for a week. I found an unused syringe in my Step-Mothers purse and I loaded that bitch up with some smack. I got all the way to the point of poking my skin when I said screw this and reconsidered (Thank God).

It was a month after that that my friend and I binged on a near lethal dose of MS Contins and Roxies. I made it through okay, my friend didn't fare so well, he ended up in the hospital half-dead, an ODed near corpse. After that they told him he had pneumonia, he was bedridden for a while, but okay. We both quit, we reached that "Enough is Enough" point, we would surely die soon if things didn't change.

Wrong... my best friend, for 17 years of my life, my roomate and constant companion died of recurring pneumonia 4 months later. The worst moment of my life, I'm a grown man, mentally tough from every shitty thing I've been through and I cried like a 3 year old girl for weeks straight. I felt responsible for it. Through all that, somehow, I remained sober and still am. I guess seeing my best friend's mother sob and sob at her 24 year old only son's funeral was enough to ensure for the time being my will to stay strong and stay sober. I can't imagine my mom at my funeral sobbing uncontrollably.

-------

I'm sorry about how long that was, it was a frickin' novel, but I wanted to bear my heart and soul to you. You helping to give me inspiration to quit could have saved my life. I owe you a lot of gratitude and thanks for hearing me out and cheering me on as well as all you other guys. I would never wish an opiate addiction on anyone else, it's certainly one of the worst things a person can go through.

I want, and deep down inside wish with all my heart that you will stay sober. We all have it in us to climb that cliff, get to the top, and never plunge off again, even though that edge is right below us.

Good Luck with your present and future, and I will happily get on here more often if anyone needs some support or even someone to talk to if things are going rough.

Peace be with you brother, always

-Eggokiller

 

Eggo that was a great post and yes I do remember you. I'm doing good, I've relapsed a few times since then but I got a little clean time now. I'm in a good place mentally today so I'm going to make it work. I've got rid of all my bad influences and even started going to the gym 6 days a week. That's helped me feel better about myself just by taking care of myself better. I've surrounded myself with some good friends that help me everyday stay clean. I still get the stupid thoughts from time to time but that's all they are stupid thoughts. I've got alot of counseling as well and it's helped me understand myself. Today I'm just trying to be a better person. I was a liar, thief and just a scumbag for so long I want people to look at me and think I'm a respectable humanbeing. We just gotta change and break that vicous cycle.
I loved your story, I love the honesty in it. My whole point of this thread was maybe some sick addict out their would read it and just no their is hope. I'm getting better and you are too so if we can do it anybody can.
Good to hear from you and you made me day for making the changes you have.

Peace to you too
cycle.

 

I'm so, so, SOOO glad to hear things are looking up for you! I truly, truly do. I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I feel a special connection with you, Etkearne and BottleFED. Believe it or not, you guys were the first people I talked to when I began to consider sobriety and while I was getting clean. I was without a doubt at THE lowest point in my life up to that point. Seeing people in my shoes with the same addiction, and in some cases even worse addictions really made me believe that I could do it. If you read this Etkearne, I owe you my eternal gratitude as well!!

Thanks for liking my incredibly sad story, it's so very hard for me to mention some of those things (I'll admit, I shed a few tears while I typed it).

Looks like you are doing exactly what I have been doing. Getting rid of those negative influences is no doubt crucial, no need for added temptation. Like I said in my previous post, it's hard not to hear about pills/opiates when you hear about them from someone or on TV, it's almost as if they are part of pop culture these days (WTF is the world coming to?). I too have been working out this entire time (lifting weights every other day, jogging on the other days), getting that buzz from the endorphins (really the only resemblence to a high I get anymore, and I'm happy about that, lol!) is always a bonus but I've mainly been doing it to help nurse my body back to semi-normal status after years of drug abuse deteriorating my health. I can certainly say I look leaps and bounds better than I did 9 months ago, and I feel the best I have since the car accident happened.

I know exactly what you mean by trying to generally be a better person. It was without a doubt the part of staying sober that was and is the hardest for me. We as addicts tend to have a lot of guilt and shame about the things we did when we were high (or trying to score/stay high) and it's incredibly difficult to forgive yourself. I did my share of lying, stealing, and verbally abusing the people I love the most, shattering trusts and destroying relationships. I work ten times harder than the average person at reclaiming that lost trust and respect. At this point I would drop whatever I was doing to help my loved ones, after all, they deserve everything for forgiving me and giving me their love. We are both very, VERY lucky to have good friends in our lives helping us stay clean.

We've both relapsed numerous times in the past but hopefully it's behind us. You said it best when you said that you couldn't ever use successfully again and at this point in our lives that's as big of a certainty as it gets. While the threat will always be looming over our heads, we have the power to prevent it, and I KNOW we can make it through this. I'm not sure if you remember me telling you this, but I have a picture of myself on day 3 of sobriety, going through INTENSE withdrawals posted on my bedroom door. In that picture I'm pale as a ghost, sweating, bags under the eyes, and to put it bluntly, I LITERALLY look like I was dead. I see that picture everyday, it's a lovely reminder a what I have to look forward to if I fuck up.

I'm glad I made your day man, you made my day as well.

Best of luck to you and have a great day!

-Eggo

 

I havent seen BottleFed in a while, I heard he moved or something. ET's still around you will run into him soon im sure. I like your idea of the pictures, I think we need to always remember what it was like to stay clean. I get people telling me all the time that I look like a different person and even today I saw my mom and she told me I look and act completely different. I loved that because I try hard to be different then I was. Ill still get wrapped up in my head every now and then but ive learned how to get back out of my head. Its no good to be in my head everything gets fucked up so I do my best to stay out of it. I used to dwell on the past like you talked about but I just always try to remember what ive been through and how ive grown. If I didnt go through the shit I have I wouldnt be where im at and ive tried my best to be a good person so its all just a growing experience to me. Man I didnt cry for years, I find myself crying regulary now and its good to get that shit out so dont worry about that at all. Ill tell you what makes me feel better about myself then anything else is trying to help somebody out their that is as sick as we were. If you can do it it just feels so good. Thats why your post ment so much to me to think a junkey ass addict like me can possibly help another addict get clean. Man thats powerful shit! Whether you realize it or not your story might help somebody you never no who is gonna read it and think damn if he can come back from that why cant I?
I dont ever push my beliefs on anybody [and their twisted all up] but sometimes I think God put me thru all this so maybe I can help somebody else thats as sick as I was? Im not sure sometimes but I do no it always makes me feel better so ill do my best to do it forever.
Im proud of you and im so glad you got out of active addiction. Its nothing but pure hell.

I dont no why I signed out cycle last time my Iphone goes crazy sometimes,
I hope you find peace and serenity brother,
Joe

 

Damn. I am really glad that I decided to go on Subs so early in my addiction. I bet if I would have waited even a couple of months longer, I would be relapsing and shit.

All I can say is: get on Subs early even if you are only feeling mildly addicted (of course after trying to go off without subs has failed that is). It is a small price to pay for essentially saving your life.

I still say that addiction to amphetamines has been harder for me to break. While I no longer snort my pills or go on binges, I still struggle with just taking it as prescribed, but I am doing far better than even six months ago.

 

I guess were all different ET, I could never leave the pain pills alone. I had a run with amphetamines and didnt have much trouble getting away from them. I very possibly didnt get far enough into addiction though. I used to love coke but it really started fuckin with me hardcore in the end and i was a paranoid freak always looking behind the couch and just stupid shit. amphetamines made me do the same shit so I ran like hell from them. I sometimes wish I could get jacked up on those and go wide ass open but they turn me into a freak. Pharmacutical cocaine IMO. Its probably a blessing they do that to me or id have another addiction I certainly dont need.

 

I hear iboga therapy works wonders... Maybe you should try that out.