What is my life

I just feel like lettings my thoughts out. You don't have to read this whole thing if you're not in for a boring rant. I'm 18. I don't really know what to think about my life right now. I'm in college part time, I have a family with problems just like any other, I have a lot of good friends, and a few really close ones, and a boyfriend. My life for once is somewhat stable. I was in and out of the hospital with my bipolar disorder/eating/drug issues and such throughout my entire time in high school. Things are okay now, and I'm thankful for that. I'm glad that I have found ways of keeping stable with medication and other therapies. I've been through a lot, so I see the world in a different way now. I'm much calmer, and I am patient enough to take the time to fix small issues and problems that arise in my or other peoples lives, because they seem so small compared to everything I've been exposed to so far. I know I'm no war veteran, but I still have changed as a person in the past few years.


^ This is me. Just making this post more interesting with pictures I guess... haha I always read them when there are pictures.

I wonder a lot. I wonder whether I should stay with my boyfriend or not. He means a lot to me, but I don't think he knows me very well. We've only been together for less than a year, and I really care about him. I just get too paranoid about him losing interest in me, as I'm afraid of abandonment and things like that. And there will be times when I have a really meaningful conversation with someone, and they will understand where I'm coming from, and realize that I'm a much deeper person than I may seem to be at first. I don't think he understands the way my mind works, the way I communicate, and they way I am, not even halfway. It really wouldn't be a big deal to just end it with him if I didn't care about him so much.

I can't really feel, aside from the little sparks of emotion that push through my medicated brain sometimes. My medications take my depression away. They take my mania away. But they leave me numb. If I don't take them, I become suicidal within weeks of stopping. I have yet to find a medication that takes away the really bad, and lets me live with the everyday ups and downs of life.

My past experiences with drugs, psychosis, depression, etc. and recovery have made me into a person that I now actually like and respect. Sometimes it's difficult, though, to be my age. People my age go great lengths to get high, or party, or talk shit about other people. They become preoccupied with meaningless things so easily. I wish that I didn't see them this way. I wish I could just be a little more immature. I have fun partying, and I have fun being stupid sometimes, but sometimes I get sick of the drama and immaturity. But on the other hand, I appreciate the smaller things in life so much more than I used to. I love to write, to make music, to listen to other people talk, and to just relax. But I feel like I'm becoming the always down to party, crazy girl that everyone knows about. Maybe its all of my energy coming out at once.


^ PARTY GRL PIC.lulz. This is me on Halloween (left) before I got completely wayyy trashed and did a bunch of stupid things at my friends school.

I am extremely grateful for everything I have. I am in no way saying that I think my life sucks, or that I don't have enough in my life. Everyday I thank the universe for everything that I have and the fact that I am stable now. I don't want to lose this stability because I take it for granted. Basically, I'm just not happy. I think it's because of my medications. It's such a strange feeling, but I'm not depressed either. Maybe I'm a little sad, but I just can't and don't get excited anymore. I look so normal and then inside I just feel nothing, and I feel like an alien... void of emotion and unfamiliar with the things that are around me. I don't know. I'm not really asking for advice or anything, I just wanted to get this all out, and not post it on tumblr.

Any relating situations or anything you post I will definitely read and talk about

 

You seem like a very interesting girl. I know you're not really asking for advice, but I'm still gonna give you my opinion, based on my interpretation of your post. You seem like you don't NEED to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't full appreciate/understand the person you are. I'm not saying he doesn't love you or that you don't love him, but if you can't communicate with him comfortably or if you feel like he doesn't really know who you really are on the level you need him to, or at least isn't willing to make an effort to get to know certain sides of you, then it won't last anyway and you'll never be completely satisfied with the relationship. You have to be able to fully relate to the person you're involved with, or it'll never work out, in the end.

You've obviously made a lot of progress, considering how your life use to be, so you should be proud of yourself and the person you're involved with needs to make you feel how special you are, especially after making the progress you've made.

It also sounds like you're experiencing a bit of depersonalization, which is common with anti-psychotic and anti-depressant medications. Have you tried a variety of anti-psychotics and anti-depressants or are you still taking the ones you were originally prescribed? Other meds, or even modifying the dosages of the meds you're already on, may lessen or increase those side effects, so it may be worth looking into, if you haven't already.

Either way, I'm sure you'll get it figured out, eventually. Things always work out the way they're supposed to, but a lot of it requires some trial and error. Keep your head up, girly. You'll figure it out

If nothing else, you're pleasing on the eyes, so at least you got that going for you:tongue:

 

i got this far.

 

Hah yep. I told you not to read it if you didn't feel like reading something uninteresting or something...

 

Thank you and thanks for the advice. You're right about everything pretty much. I have tried many different meds that I've been prescribed. The meds that I'm on right now have been the best for me so far, so I just have to tweak the dosages and stuff with my doctor probably. But thank you for reading, it means a lot

 

I just looked me some pics.

 

I thought it was very interesting. lol Undies just didn't wanna read any more of it, because he was disappointed to find out you already have a boyfriend. He's jealous:tongue: You're very beautiful.

 

You're welcome And good luck<3

 

Do you think sucking up to her is going to win you more approval than undies?

Pun not intended.

 

Haha well thank you to everyone who read it, or at least enjoyed my pictures.

 

hahahaha Nah, I just think she's pretty, and I thought she'd like to know that, though I'm sure she hears that countless time everyday. lol

 

I'm still waiting on a summary. :toetap05:

 

I wonder why.

 

hahaha Yes, it is pretty obvious. She's gorgeous, imo.

 

LOLZ:2thumbsup:

I tried to read it, but I got stuck here

 

ehh shes ok..














jk!! you have exceptional beauty :cowboy:

 

^^agreed, a bit like Angelina Jolie after she's been fed a few times

 

Indeed, which is exactly what Angelina Jolie needs. lol That bitch is WAY too skinny.

 

Our lives are a series of sensations, one following the other, some of which we call pleasant and some not so. This is true regardless of our location or station in life.

 

Thank you!