I met someone about a month ago. For a week of that month she didn't communicate to me. The reason? She was avoiding telling me something "awkward", and that was that she had an UTI and hip and knee pain --- which she thinks I caused it for taking "too long" to reach orgasm, which is a new one. I hosted once, she hosted once: perfect. Went for coffee once, for a beer once: perfect. The last two times we spoke on the phone we ran into problems: she's a vegan, and I'm a meat-eater. Veganism is her ideology, it's very important to her, and even though I was willing to accept it and get an understanding of HER reasons for being vegan, she didn't seem as open to my reasons not to give up meat. Today was the last straw. We were supposed to meet. I call her after we've both got home from a tough day. She's cranky. She claimed I tried to make plans "last minute." Then she says she doesn't want to lay around in bed; she wants to be taken out. Forgive me for saying this, but I simply cannot tolerate high-maintanence shit. Especially this early in a relationship. As far as I'm concerned, whenever women stipulate conditions for seeing me --- it's time to end it. So...I texted her saying that maybe we should end it here. She texted "ok." And she's going to keep the book she borrowed from me. Deleted her from the phone, nice and neat. But the fact is I frequently run into this problem with women. They want to be taken out. And I'm not willing to do it. Why should I be responsible for a woman's entertainment? Please criticize.
Its a bit quick to dump someone when they only want to be taken out once, maybe you can ask them to suggest a place or attempt to plan together. It shouldn't be about one person giving more, its better to be as equal to eachother as possible. If you do not like taking people out that much then thats your thing, but dumping someone over it seems quite hasty.
Thanks for the sensitive criticism, Ayzcrava. Right now, I'm angry. But later on I do intend to review my own role in what happened. I didn't really break up with her because she wanted to be taken out but because I was being under-appreciated. I've met her like 4-5 times, and already she's not acting excited about meeting me, whatever the occasion. I have a problem with that. But truth is, I wasn't that excited about her either. Additionally, while I was trying to figure out what we could do together, she says "I have to make dinner." So I imagine her priority is her vegetables. P.S. I did ask her to suggest something, but she has put the onus on me to make plans from the very beginning. Women do that A LOT. And it makes me feel: 1) they care about me on the condition that I entertain them; 2) they demand that a play gender roles as the "suitor"; Maybe women do have a biological tendency toward passivity...I can no longer deny the pattern. That seems to be the case also with women who claim to be "feminists."
wanting to go out with your partner isnt a big demand hun. most women want it or expect it. you should at least inform women ahead of time (ie when you start talking/dating) that you dont believe in it or whatever, so that you dont get this problem again. biological tendency or socially taught? dont get me wrong, i see nothing wrong with me being passive, but i see it far mroe as a result of our society and perceptions and values, than a biological imperative
1.) Why don't you just tell a girl upfront that you aren't into going out. It would save a lot of confusion and frustration for both of you later on. Some women are perfectly happy staying at home and watching movies, others want to party all night. Just keep looking until you find what you are looking for. 2.) Not all women demand that a man be a suitor. While many like the feeling of being romanced there are also a lot that don't. On the flip side women are labeled as "ball busters" if they arent into being romanced. Again, not all women are the same. Some are passive and expect the man to "sweep her off her feet" and some are agressive and actively pursue what they want. There are a ton of male stereotypes that fit very few men I have known. It depends on the person and NOT just the gender.
I thank you all for your input. Let me just reiterate that my problem is not with "going out", but with being put in a position in which I'm RESPONSIBLE for their entertainment. E.g., I have to do all the planning and make sure my partner is humored (if I'm required to pay, even worse: it simply won't happen). I told this chick a million times that, whatever it is, I'll go with her. But she wasn't very keen on suggestions. Further, I broke up with her basically because she has problems communicating and because she is insensitive. The "going out" issue was just the backdrop for that very basic concern.
That sounds good in theory. I don't always have a chance for a heart-to-heart conversation with women beforehand. You know, dating is messy stuff: there is awkwardness, mixed feelings, insecurities, hopes, and sexual arousal --- all kinds of things that have to be dealt with before I'm thinking clearly. But I'll keep that in mind. P.S. I can party all night too, and frequently do. I'm not a hermit. I do party real hard and often. The things is, unfortunately, when I go out dancing and stuff, women are not invited. That to me would defeat the purpose and get in the way of my fun.
Were you wrong? No Was she wrong? No Clearly you weren't a good fit together. Not because of "going out" or being an omnivore, but your communication together sucked. (texting a break-up?) What keeps you have having the heart-to-heart up front? If you expose yourself early on, you'll find two things; people that fit well will stick around, people that aren't compatible take off. Both are good. It can be scary to open yourself to someone you don't know but how else are they going to get to know you. If they don't reciprocate, the relationship will be imbalanced, but then you'll at least know where it's heading. If they do reciprocate, it's amazing how much you find out about each other very quickly, and connect. All that said, although I don't mind shallow and fun interactions, I want my relationships to be deep an meaningful. If your looking for fun in the short term and depth is just a bonus that may or may not happen, then the way I do things wont work for you. You seem like a pretty together guy. Good luck! T ----------------------------------- All of the above is just one dude's opinion. Take what you like and toss the rest.
Our communication did suck. But it was not for lack of my trying. That's why I feel short-changed. The text message was a symptom of my not feeling welcomed in talking to her. She's been avoiding opening up from the very beginning. But I do think that next time, for finality's sake, I'll tell the girl the reason why I'm breaking up with her. Right now, I still feel enraged that she can come up with any old simplistic concotion of hers to justify my decision. Thanks for the kind words. P.S. I also do prefer relationships --- so long was we're talking about women who are brave and participant!
well... this might seem like a joke... but if she had a problem that you are a meat-eater... and wanted u to give up from eatin meat... then you should do this: ask her a simple question... "have u ever bitten your nails... or the small meat around the nails ?" well if she does she is not a veg.. coz just the bittin of tht part of the meat makes her meat-eater too.. also u can ask another question... "have u ever hurted urself from something.. so a small peace of skin was cutted of and leapin and still holdin on a milimeter of skin to your body ?? and have u ever bitten it off ur body ??" if she does then she is not a veg again... also bout takin em out... it is not a big deal... like u can take her off to a cafe or bar to have a drink once or twice a week... or just go to a walk... sumtimes a long walk in empty part of the city or beside a beach or in park and havin a bit of chit-chat for problems.. or anything.. likes dislikes... will please a girls more then sittin in a taverna, bar, cafe or whatever...
Incidentally, the park is one of the few kinds of dates that I enjoy, if not the only one. Unfortunately, this is New York, and winter. But you know what, this girl might not even be into the park herself: she was bit boring.
I hear ya bro. It's so much easier for me to sit on the outside and give you my $.02. Me as the outsider- It appears that you wanted this girl to open up. You feel that you opened up to her. She didn't want to open up to you. She did nothing wrong...she just didn't want to open up. Maybe you expected that she owed you that though (slipery slope)? Me in your shoes- I know from being on the inside of situations like that that it hurts and it feels like you were taken advantage of, or at least wasted your time. In the moment, I may have reacted exactly as you did??? Keep the faith, and keep exposing yourself (with no expectations).
Thanks for the advice. That's what I'll do. But sometimes it feels hopeless. You described my feelings exactly, BTW. Thanks, I needed to feel understood. The only hard part is the thing about faith. Cheers.
