want to leave my bf for the summer, advice?

i have been with my bf for four years. I am 22. I had a fun teenagerhood before him and I started dating, so I didnt miss out on my youth or anything.

i love him and I really do think we will grow old together and have kids. but i have this desire, no this need, to take off for the summer (3-4 months) with another man.

!!!!!!!!!

am I awful? I don't feel guilty but I feel like I should feel guilty. does that make sense? I want to be with this other man because he is the opposite of my life and i just want to travel and experience. i plan to come home to my bf and get married, i just dont feel i can do that without this one last hurrah.

please be honest and tell me what you think. Am i being selfish?? Or SHOULD I be selfish, after all it is my life!? its my own spiritual journey i need to take?

also, if anyone asks, im not planning on telling him til i am already gone. im gonna write a long letter and explain things. that sounds so bad written out but he will know that this is something i have to do. he loves me with all his heart and he knows how much i have been wanting to travel and even live in a commune. i hate to say he has been holdin me back but he is. he wants us to have the 9-5 life with the 2.5 kids and white fenced house. and I just need to live a little to see if that IS me.

am I an awful person?

 

You aren't an awful person; you are a scared person. Commitment can be a damn scary thing. I've told my girlfriend the 9-5 thing might not be me, since before we were going out. I made it clear that what happens, happens; she can stick by me, or she can walk away; either way I will have no regrets.
Maybe, it would have been best if you did the same with your boyfriend.

I think it's the case of an emotional problem taking a physical form. You are scared about if he's the one for you; you lust to find out.
I read an article in a women's magazine talking about how men are most likely to cheat on a whim, and women are most likely to plan their infidelity. Usually in the face of marriage or relationship strain. ('Maybe, if I fuck someone else, I'll know for sure if he's the one.')

Guys tend to handle commitment issues inwardly, you women like to fuck around.

BUT it doesn't have to be like that. That's what happens; not what should.

Is the sexual part really that important or could you go vacationing without banging some foreign dude?

This is a serious issue you need to confront, but I think you are doing it in the wrong way.

PS - selfish is never the thing you should do - and I don't think 'selfish' and 'spiritual' are allowed within 25 words of each other.

 

I seriously dreaded checking the post on here! I thought i was gonna get reamed out, I feel I deserve it. I feel pretty guilty now, now that I actually face what I am planning on doing.

you are so right... women plan and men execute. lol

I am planning this as a chance to discover who I am, and who I really want to be with. I love him with all my heart and that is the honest truth but yes we do have our problems. we have been through a lot and i do picture myself marrying him but there is this nagging in my head, what if there is more? what if this 9-5 life IS NOT FOR ME.

i need to find myself spiritually. as a person, not as a couple. this needs to be about ME and not our relationship. i just wish I could be single for a few months and see what that brings me. i wish I could freeze time.

I do have a sexual attraction to this other man. it is exciting and new and I lust over the life he lives and what he represents to me. I know if I go I will most likely sleep with him. oh geez i'm awful. i mean definitely I could go and not sleep with him, thats not a problem. but I think I want to..... I think its part of the experience I have planned in my twisted mind.

 

You have to figure out how much of it is fear of commitment to your boyfriend and how much of it is legitimate desire. You also have to be very careful before moving anything along any further.

You say this is about you; but what about him? You ARE being selfish. There's no way around that.

Both of these posts are me me me me me me me me me.
Think about him for a bit - he doesn't deserve this.

You worry that it's not right - that's normal - and no excuse to go around fucking other guys.

 

fuck i just had a post and my net messed up lol

our families expect us to get married this year or at the latest early next year. my best friend just had a kid. we are planning on buying a house together soon that i have been putting off

i am scared. that level of commitment at this point in my life is somewhat scary, but is also comforting in a way.. i want to talk to him about this summer, but he wont let me go if I do. I th ink he would understand my reasons but he'd just freak if I tried to discuss it

the more i think the more i dont think i can sleep with someone else. when it came down to it, i couldnt. but still, its not right that i am even thinking of it.

i have always been a wanderer. i wake up sometimes and just want to drive. just want to go go go. i want to explore the world, i want to live in a cottage in the middle of nowhere and just be. i sometimes feel like i dont belong in this concrete jungle.

i am experiencing a lot of self conflict over commitment and my own desire to be worldly. i know my bf will never want to travel, he takes his job very seriously.

i look like such a shitty person but really i'm not!

 

crap I guess I am

 

why can't you travel and have him to come back to? *shrug*

 

well I am going with my friend I havent seen in years, not since i started dating my new bf. me and this other guy were always just friends but he moved away and kinda grew apart. he is coming back this summer and it just came at a time where I was planning on moving to a commune for the summer or hitchhiking across the U.S (not the best idea as a girl all alone)

so it started out as just wanting to go experience the nomadic lifestyle, but then him and I have started bonding and I feel there might be something there. it seriously wasnt in my intentions at all. i dont want to start something with anyone else.

i feel my whole life I have been living on the cusp of what is expected of me and what I want to do.

honestly I prob won't have sex with anyone. i'm really loyal, even though I am going through this 'thing'.

i'm really glad i can discuss this somewhere even though I know I will get flack.

Duck, if there was no other guy, maybe just a girl, would you think I was still being selfish?

 

I think that you have already decided everything. You just need to comfort yourself so you won't feel guilty. Well you should just do it... although that won't be the obviously right thing, if you won't do it, you will later ask yourself the "what if..." question and will go somewhere in the end. By doing it now, you have less to destroy, after five years you will have a loan for the house and a family.

Although that's just my opinion.

And it doesn't change a thing if it was a girl or a guy that would travel with you. You are being selfish because you aren't considering his feelings and how he will experience your trip.

 

ty for your post

i guess im just stuck between am I being stupid or is this a smart choice>? I know im being selfish, deep down. but i really think these feelings could cause a lot of damage in the future. and in way, its not fair for either of us to be unsure of who I am. man im high.

 

Well, this thought will not leave you alone, even if you don't try. Just try telling your BF as gently as possible.

 

Hey Mary Jane!

Here's what I would do, and I'm being totally honest here - I can see myself being in exactly this situation in a couple of years.

- You can't write him a letter! That would be sooo lame...but talk to him. Tell him you think you want to stay with him forever but you need to travel and you want to do it away from him this summer.
- I wouldn't even tell him you're attracted to your friend. If it ends up happening with him, then deal with it then. This is the part where I'm being honest...this probably isn't the best answer, but it's what I'd do. I'd even tell him I wouldn't sleep with the friend, to make him feel better. It's easier to come back, confess and fix it with him than it is to say "I'm taking off for the summer, probably gonna fuck this guy while I'm at it" - if you tell him ahead of time, what if he has a new girlfriend when you come back?

I'm sorry everyone else, I realize this is horrid. But listen, honestly, if he's like most guys I've met, he'll be as psyched as you are to have one last summer of freedom. He probably wouldn't mind screwing around too. (Actually, now that I think of it, you could even feel it out by saying something like "Listen, if something happens while I'm gone, it's okay - just don't fall in love with anyone." If he doesn't immediately freak out, you've both got a free pass.)

I wish I was high right now.

 

you're right, writing a letter is LAME. im being a chicken shit. i just know he will freak on me. we are best friends and he will have a hard time without me. you know how men are lol.

he would never sleep with anyone else, he is just not like that. i mean, obviously, if he did, and i did, well then theres no issue. but i dont think he would. if i said 'lets take a break, one last hurrah' he'd be heartbroken and i cant bear to watch that.

i dont think i will sleep with the guy, if it happens, it happens. but im not gonna plan on it.

molly i just smoked two joints by myself. my minds racing so i was just like i need to do this and think. its made me calmer about the whole situation thats for sure :>

 

Whenever I smoke weed and try to think about things I end up getting all weird about it - like my mind twists up on itself.

Oohhhhhh, he's one of those guys who really loves you and doesn't want to be with anyone else. That makes it tougher for you to sleep around a little, huh? lol

So even though you're not planning on sleeping with the guy, are you still planning on doing the traveling with him? I would - like someone else said, you don't want to regret anything later. But it sounds like you've got things pretty well worked out.

You seem cool, by the way

 

haha yeah it sometimes goes that way for me too, but today I'm in a calm, zen like mood. I was up all night thinking about it.

it sucks being in a position to hurt someone. but in every relationship we are in, whether it is lover, friend, daughter, whatever, we have a responsibility to ourselves and them. sometimes we just have to do whats best for us, even if it can potentially hurt someone we love. its shitty as FUCK but seriously prolonging this will just make it worse. I have to keep telling myself that!

i'm gonna travel with my friend, I know he would have no problem being just buds, and if more happens, I know he would be cool with that too. my heart starts racing when I think of cheating though, its so not me. If for some reason we don't end up going together, I am going to try to find my way down to the Gathering this year, and hopefully meet up with a group of people. I'm too scared to go alone.

i get really excited thinking about being on the road this summer. it'll suck to be away from my friends, bf, fam, and animals but I need to do this.

haha thanks for the cool comment, you too chicky. i'm really glad you get what i'm saying about this, its nice to know i'm not the only one who gets what I'm going through, having the urge to just do something different, live a different life, at least for awhile, you know? its totally a yuppie thing, having to go out in the world to discover yourself. I mean, how pathetic is it that we have to go out of our way to get back to nature and discover our roots? weird world we live in

 

God, I know exactly what you mean. My boyfriend's a yuppie, and I know I'm on the fast track to yuppieville. We go on vacations to Central America and stuff and we always feel so free there, we talk about just dropping everything and taking off - but we know that honestly, we'd be gone a month and we'd start missing our apartment and our big old TV and our nice bottles of cabernet sauvignon. sigh.

I'm pretty sure that most people, wherever they are, envy everyone who's wherever they're not pretty often.

But that's one of the great things about going on the road - it reminds you that what your friends, bf, fam and animals are really pretty great. One of the best days on most of my trips is the day I get back, and that's a pretty great thing.

So that's another big reason you should definitely do it. You'll probably love your bf even more when you get back. Even if you do end up having a "woops" with that friend of yours.

 

This scene sounds like so many that come up in most of our lives along the way.The decision you make could/will change your life forever.It is probably true that to stay and marry up with the 9 to 5 deal that goes with it would/could make for a very happy life.The kiddies-the house-the family get-togethers-the love that accrues for man and wife and the joy of raising the little ones.Then on the other hand,the wondering aside,you could go and end up meeting someone completely differant than the man you leave with.Or many ,many differant people engaging in all kinds of differant and interesting endeavers,of which one or more may change everything you do and believe in.I think you know what I mean but here:When I was hippified years ago in Hawaii,I was offered a job job by a rich Canadian to be in charge of a building project in Guam.Refused it.Would have been life changing.Was walking behind a girl in Waikiki and struck up a conversation.Ended up in Oregon with her.Met the mother of my kids here,not the one I came with.I could have made the stories longer (and even more boring)but each decision led me to now and in some cases,a minute or two makes all the differance in a life lived.And where .And How.And with whom.There are countless times in anyone's life,that a second,a minute,an hour,a decision ,a phone call,a wreck,a death,a job,ect,can completely alter ---everything.You,dear are at one of those watershed moments NOW.Exciting and confusing isn't it.What ever you decide--it all works out one way or another.Good luck and whatever decision you make will be the right one.

 

OF course I would, why would that change anything?

 

thanks for all the replies. Scratcho, your words really hit home with me. i totally agree, every tiny decision we make effects our life in huge ways.

 

You're welcome and hope I helped in some way Maryjane.Keep us posted.