Torn and need help(a bit long,sorry)

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two and a half years. We've broken up and made up more times than I care to remember. Back in January I broke up with him because we were in the worst place we had ever been. In a desperate attempt to get over him I started dating this guy who liked me about a month after the break-up. My ex panicked and promised to change his life around for me if I left this guy for him. I did, I couldn't even sleep with the guy because I realized how much I still cared for my ex. It came out a while later he has not trusted me since that because I got together with him so fast and apparently he believed I was secretly plannign it all along. I was hurt by this and broke up with him again in late October because he seemed unwilling to commit to me. We got back together again(I know that in itself that is a bad sign) and he told me he'd been on a date and that nothing came of it. It came out later that he had slept with her and I know I have no right to be angry about that. However I am angry about how shitty he made me feel about someone I never got physical with and then jumped into bed with someone else in a month. I know this is probably doomed but I care about him so much. At the moment thinking about him with someone else makes me sick and I don't want him touching me at all,my libido is gone completely. I do realize how obvious the answer is to most people reading this but when feelings are a factor it's not always easy. Is there a way to get over this other woman or is this a good reason to end things permanently? Could he still care for me and sleep with someone that fast?

 

detroit?

yep

i'm sure there is, but you're way past needing a reason by now anyway.

yeah, but that doesn't mean you should stay with him and be miserable forever.

 

He could still *care* for you and still sleep with someone else that fast....the question is, is just caring good enough for you? I'm assuming after this long you've dropped the "L" word at some point. Real love changes things. But it (mutual love) is not necessarily permanent. It lasts as long as both partners choose for it to last. Love is a verb.

What I think you're talking about, however, is regarding your feelings for each other. Feelings are a big part of love, but they're not synonymous. I wouldn't say you "don't have a right" to feel a certain way. You feel what you feel. We can control our general attitudes, but I don't believe we can really control our feelings. Of course you're going to be upset; you feel betrayed. What you did or didn't do in the past doesn't change how you're going to feel now.

You're in a tough place right now, because really, nothing anybody can say is going to make you feel any better about things. I'm not going to tell you what to do, because in your heart I think you already know the answer. But know, too, that for nearly everyone, there exists a time lag between the head and the heart. In every relationship situation I've been in, my head always knows it's not going to work out, but my heart ends up in control anyway. For me, it takes about 2 months for messages to go from my brain to my heart. And in every situation, I tell myself I don't want to lose this person from my life, because a,b,c...But then after I lose them, I realize I'm still breathing. Remember: you were alive before you met this guy, and you'll continue to live even without him. And yes, it's going to hurt like hell, all logic aside (love is rarely logical). The question is do you want to hurt like hell now or hurt even more later?

Best,
Kate