From this state, all perceptions are blind. In here, my heart slows to a barely revolving pace, and flips inward, becoming the black hole that I *know* it to be. Existence pains me. The thought of a form manifesting and breathing and living and eating and drinking and sleeping and fucking in front of my awareness brings tears to my eyes. I do good deeds because I know them in my head to be correct, but they shame me nonetheless. It's shameful, to do things that make you feel good for that purpose, the purpose of feeling good. Holding the door for the old lady in front of you is some sort of sick masturbation. Deny it, but it's true, that's what you do. Smiling here is the worst sin, oh god the pain a SMILE brings. It's 5 AM, and I'm sitting here staring down into my pathetic bowl of honey nut cheerios with 2% milk from some cow sleeping in a state that I will never visit and I'm sad. I'm sad that I'm eating cereal from a plastic pink bowl. I'm sad that cheerios exist. The honey nut bee on the side of the box grinned at me so big this morning, when I chose his cereal to eat, and I saw that and I was immensely sad. I'm sad that I eat cheerios. I just laughed that I actually typed that and then it made me sad. This is the darkness. Tears tug timelessly here. Torment is always on the rise - rising forever, there is no maximum, just only more and more escalations of pain. Suffering is what reality is composed of where I am. I'm in a constant state of imploding, negative, immersion, absorption, receptiveness, isolation. The darkness is suffering and the suffering is darkness - So why is it so attractive?
You chose for it to be attractive. Your depression is just another form of the 'sick masturbation', it makes you feel good to feel bad. You have a choice.
Yup, personally I'm a big fan of sick masturbation, I do it all the time. Well not ALL the time but it's one of my favorite hobbies.
Oh yah, oh yas, there is always the choice initially. That's how anybody gets here, isn't it? But once you get here, where are your choices then? And as for what makes us feel important.....lol. Typing that post made you feel important, so don't get me started.
Anything and everything makes anyone feel anything. Every emotion could be seen as some sort of sick masturbation. You honestly do have a choice. I'm only typing this to help you. Just decide to be content, be thankful. Think of 25 things you're thankful for. It's hard to be upset when you're thankful.
I DID feel important typing that post, so thank you very much for giving me that opportunity. We do have the choice once we get there, too, neo - but it seems "important" to hold onto the darkness. Doesn't it? Or am I just pissin into the wind here?
It's self-satisfying to hold onto it, and that's what makes it the darkness...(and more) I think it's beyond my control where I am though. I fluctuate, and it's always a result of some experience outside of myself.
