"The Closet" is a Social Construct

When we learn anything in sociology, or learn about critical race theory one of the things we learn about might be how African Americans aren't "black", no. Is their skin black? Are white people actually white?

People can say what they want but it isn't a logical conclusion. We've been saying though for quite a while.

Another social construct is the proverbial shell that you may have learned to refer to colloquially as "the closet".

Can positive social learning come from a higher level of honesty with one's feelings? Yeah.

Can coming out of your shell be a good thing, therapeutic, and life changing? Yes! I think so.

Can this lead to promiscuity if there isn't a hardline about love versus sex or what kind of relationship leads to positivity or optimism and a happy and intelligent outcome? Probably!

Can this be a lure for sex? "Come on out!". Maybe so.

And what follows in your life after? Probably trouble to some degree.

And without lots of support, life stops. Without a plentiful array of opportunities, life's momentum spirals down.

My journey into knowing myself started when I abandoned the idea that there was a closet and knew my direction was to be hetero. I could count on one hand the number of people who were possible allies to use the modern term.

I was Questioning.

That means I was wondering and pondering for quite a while, and then finally wishing that the questions would stop, and life would resume as a cisgender heterosexual male with career aspirations and interest in normal guy things. What I learned was that what usually is "the closet" was actually a pretty good toolset for establishing direction in my life.

And now it's a deliberate process. Have you ever heard "it works if you work it"? Life is like that. There are lots of roadblocks and too many calculations on the way to keep things the way I want them. I have to try. It's not always easy. And I know there are ways to live without all that, but I keep going this way, policing my stated direction. Why?

When you 'just let things happen', lots of things are left to chance. You may wake up one day determined, and the next feeling like letting life and destiny and fate take the wheel; trusting life to "do its thing".

What I learned is that actually 'leaves a space', or in other words creates a vulnerability (like a computer virus) to your subconscious. Your environment gets to determine lots of things. What if your environment is the ghetto? What if your environment is limiting, like a very autocratic society? What if your environment is a militarized zone?

The more common issue is that your environment may have a relaxed attitude about sexuality, promiscuity, alcohol and drugs, or may be seriously steeped in fine arts or music or other things that do not ordinarily lend themselves to a familial or stringently designed societally responsible representation.

What I mean is that your environment may promote something you aren't completely aware of. And then your fate is deliberately determined by your environment. And the decisions are predetermined.

If I'm you, I want to understand that the closet isn't real. If I'm confused, I want someone to explain that while it's healthy to be emotionally cognizant, your decisions are your own. And finally, with everything considered I want to say I mean less to inhibit the decisions you make with your freedom and more to help you understand that it's a social construct.

And it probably began in a time when people didn't commonly understand how to come out of their shells! But 'the closet' is not always about unawareness. And being sheltered isn't always the wrong answer.

I am Muslim now, but well before that I stopped being religious. I pondered good and plenty whether or not I was of a different orientation or identity, and finally I decided that in my life it was a decision, and I was the one who gets to make that decision.

It seemed to me that all of the things that were typically considered "in the closet" were things that were going to keep me in school, help me prioritize, and finally keep me closer to family, to their history, and to an outcome that was more aligned with my values.

 

A cousin of mine recently passed away while still in the closet. Altho a couple yrs've passed. It still bothers me none of my relatives acknowledge it. My older brother came close by mentioning a special friend.

 

Harvey Milk - Wikipedia
Anita Bryant - Wikipedia
Coming out - Wikipedia

Devaluing a term by suggesting that it is merely a ‘social construct’ typically serves the purpose of removing the term from circulation, making it conceptually impossible to name differences and replacing them with assertions of equality. Of course, it remains to be seen whether the claimed differences actually do exist. Typically, those who dismiss concepts as ‘social constructs’ ignore contrary scientific evidence and create and/or use other terms useful to their own agenda, and they would fight tooth and nail if they were knocked out of their hands with their own specious reasoning.

“Coming out of the closet” is just a descriptive metaphor. It is definitely not a normative proposition. People often make up their own minds about their peers’ sexual interests when they are not given clear clues over a longer period of time. Most women know relatively little about the sex lives of their sexually active husbands; best friends are usually much better informed. In this respect, disclosure of sexual preference, even in the heterosexual world, is not about giving a complete picture of one’s own sexual fantasies and practices.

The realisation of deviant sexuality varies in difficulty depending on the combination of personality factors. People pleasers (MBTI: FJ types, MBTI Test: John's Personality Test), conventional types (MBTI: SJ types) and less assertive people find it more difficult. It is particularly tragic when someone takes particular pleasure in religion and therefore constantly socialises with other religious people, even though the religious community has a very negative attitude towards homosexuality.

Interestingly, however, the Catholic Church was a place of refuge for young homosexuals, who often formed a majority in the seminary. And lesbians lived as nuns among women. With gay liberation, the Catholic Church then lost its attraction for young gays. Frederic Martel writes almost a thousand pages about this in his book In the Closet of the Vatican: Power, Homosexuality, Hypocrisy (2019). “Martel’s rule of thumb is that the most publicly homophobic prelates are those most likely to be homosexually inclined themselves; the only ones who feel they can afford to be sympathetic to gay people are celibate straight people, who do exist in the Vatican. Martel quotes the estimate of the pope’s former chief Latinist that up to 80% of the Vatican staff could be gay even if obviously most of them are buttoned up. The real figure is unknowable but 80% is not entirely incredible.”

It is up to you how you choose between the conflicting desires of the collective and the individual. The important thing about human sexuality is not to inform others about it, but to enjoy it often enough for your own well-being, which usually means at least once a week.

This is one reason why people decide to leave the familiar world behind and move to one of the country's largest, more cosmopolitan cities, where like-minded people and greater tolerance are easier to find.



Even in Western countries, life is not easy today if you belong to an already officially recognised tiny sexual minority.

 

I think what is difficult to accept about ‘The Closet’ is not so much that anyone relies on it; it isn’t something that will affect anyone except truly those who are coming out and questioning.

Much like the skin color being called “white”, we can see plainly if we look at etymology that this is NOT a scientific term, no.

But like “Black”, we’ve been saying this and have accepted it; you can hardly speak to someone in an African American community without catching yourself saying it since it has been NORMALIZED.

But this has been descriptive, yes… Does it relate to how you express yourself? Yes! Can it be about the decisions you make with relation to your wardrobe and how people interpret your choices? Yes!

Can awareness about how your decisions are interpreted be introspective and completely informative? Maybe so.

And if we break it down removing the nuance asserting anything about “SEX”, we can basically see that it is mostly about expression. Is it basically a different psychological approach to relationships?

I think what is so threatening is that people have made their lives around this concept.

But this concept is a social construct.

And if a person is confused, knowing that this is something we have socially accepted, normalized, and used to refer to a process that can frighten someone or worse force them into making a decision about something they don't really have to worry about but because of their 'freedom of expression' they have been free to express something that could also be used to psychologically endeavor into relationships; relationships that fit their favorite method of self-expression,

Knowing this can help them understand that it doesn't necessarily pertain to them, that it has to do with self-expression and choices and priorities, and that if it bothers them, that's probably an indication that they might be ready to incorporate a more values and priority driven self-expression, don't need to jump on the bandwagon, and don't need to endeavor to expand their self-expression into their relationships if it makes them feel uncertain.

Is that wrong? Well, that is one of the freedoms that is very controversial. It isn't in line with our other priorities. Our expression that feels like it is so important to us may actually be a symptom of not prioritizing values over freedoms.

 

With regard to the history of "The Closet", we would be remiss not to make a parallel analysis on the history of WHITE PEOPLE and BLACK PEOPLE.

Can we ask if this is MORE ABOUT SELF-EXPRESSION THAN RELATIONSHIPS?

I see lots of history! That means neither one of us is right nor wrong.

The history cannot be contested. That is true.

But I think it also lends credibility to my testimony. This is a socially established concept, and its roots go back decades and centuries! Its relationship with religion here is misstated though; even if the history is correct, it is not in congruence with adherence to faith (which would have us approach it with the strongest system of values in all humanity and which would have us ask ourselves which choices to make) not according to our natural inclination based in our learning or our nature and our socialization from our families and friends.

The history is that we have (even if we didn't mean to) 'socialized' this concept into our subculture. These psychological pathways are now travelled. By how many? You listed some pioneers!

But how much do we know when we first find ourselves curious about this?

That is when I want someone to know!

HEYYYYYYYY! THIS IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT! HEYYYYYY! DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND THIS! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!

Your post suggests that I wish to discredit the term, but I don't give a rat's ass about the term.

And with claims about history, we should really ask ourselves "Are white people actually white?" and then "Since when am I needing to COME OUT OF THE CLOSET?".

 

I do not recognize "the closet". When I get intimate with a man, woman, or non-binary person, we are never inside a dark closet. We are in the full light and warmth of intimacy.

As for telling the rest of the world about my lovers, that's none of their business.

 

'The Closet" is, indeed, a social construct since it's a place we can go when we have something to hide, not quite like being on the down-low but somewhat similar because the down-low is also a place we go to when we want to do something that we don't want anyone else knowing about. I understood, when I was much younger, that homosexuals needed a place to hide from those who would do them harm or otherwise object to their homosexuality and given the horrible shit that could happen to a homosexual back in the 1960s, who could really blame them for not coming out?

Today, I can go on forums and see the first thing a lot of bisexual men say: "I'm a closeted..." and it has amazed me how we - bisexuals - just automatically go into hiding. Not without good reason because there are still too many people who aren't all that understanding about bisexuality than they are homosexuality but if you don't tell someone that you're bisexual - and you could have good reason not to - does that mean that you're cowering in fear of discovery in the closet or, like a whole lot of people, there's something about you that's no one's business but your own? This gets iffy with married bisexuals and the implication that if you're married, you're supposed to tell your spouse everything about you from the start and continue to tell them everything that's going on with you including what you might be thinking about - while women, historically, have gotten a pass from this full disclosure thing by citing that a girl's gotta have some secrets or they strongly insist that the past stays in the past and forgotten and don't bring this up again.

I'm trying to get into a guy's underwear when he asks if I'm in the closet and I tell him that, no, I'm not; the people who need to know that I'm not straight - but I'm also not gay - already knows and this isn't something that everyone needs to know so I keep everyone else on a need-to-know basis. I told him that I understood the very curious urge to go tell everyone that you're bisexual but history has shown and proven - and thanks to the countless number of homosexuals who dared to come out - that coming out can have disastrous results and consequences so it makes sense that one wouldn't want to come out - and many a bi guy has been cut off at the knees for telling a wife/girlfriend that they're bisexual or having thoughts concerning sex with men and none of it is pretty.

If society wasn't such a prude about sex and sexuality, The Closet would have never been created - it wouldn't matter if someone was straight, bi, or gay and we're all getting along and engaging with each other openly, freely, and with great gusto... and that's not the way things have been, are, and will likely be for the unforeseen future. l have said that if there's someone you really need to come out to, it would be... yourself. Can you trust a close friend or partner with this very personal information? Aye, there's the rub, huh? You don't know who you can trust and tell; you don't know how they're going to react and I've said that it's pretty fucked up when you come to the realization that you don't know someone as well as you think you do and, believe me, it's a mistake I've made quite a few times before I decided that (1) I didn't give a fuck who knew that I was bi and (2) people are on a need-to-know basis and most of the people I know don't need to know. I don't and won't deny that I'm bisexual but I'm not about to run around telling everyone who will listen that I am because I don't need to listen to a bunch of tired-assed rhetoric that has proven itself to be inaccurate to the point of almost being totally and completely wrong. Been there, done that, would prefer not to any time soon.

Nature didn't create The Closet: We did. I know that I first heard about it in the late 1960s but I'm sure it was around way before then, but I heard it in reference to - and mentioned by - homosexuals. I remember thinking that the closet didn't or wouldn't apply to me because I'm not homosexual - then I found out that our society kinda/sorta doesn't know the difference between bi- and homosexuality because all people see is the homosexual stuff I'll do with a guy and totally forget that I also engage with women and, yeah, well, I guess if homosexuals had reason to hide in the closet, bisexuals have reason or, really, anyone who's sexuality could be called into question because it doesn't conform to The Way It's Supposed To Be. A guy says he's in the closet and I just shake my head with a lot of sadness because he doesn't want friends, family, and/or co-workers to know that his thoughts and maybe his actions are anything other than heterosexual.

Should we just rip and tear down the door to The Closet? No, I don't think so since, again, there are a lot of people who will... vigorously object to anything not heterosexual so, as such, those of us who aren't straight need a "safe place" in our minds where we can "hide" from a potential ass-kicking, and one handed out by those who are the closest to us. And like BiGuySW said, who I have sex with is none of your damned business and neither is how I have sex with those I have sex with.

 

I'm just glad someone agrees about how this started.

Whenever there is a discussion about this, I turn to myself and shrug.

For most, this is in direct opposition to something - law enforcement for some African Americans or Hispanics, and more generally young people and their parents, or young adults and the main gist of their upbringing, perhaps religious or very conservative politics bleeding over, or advanced training for sports, or aggressive programming for theater or Julliard musicianship.

In the most severe of circumstances, I see the repression and subsequent revolt by the subject. More often it is my Twitter youth son or daughter noting some parallels between the spirituality I've instructed them as a belief and their rejection of that in line and tow with something on daytime TV.

And if we break down the pieces and parts, boys have a penis, girls have a vagina, and we all have a brain. The really intelligent of us can socially and psychologically see the opportunity not only to prank the holy crap out of our dad by switching our psychological orientation, but also that there is a social scene in some places that provides either a welcome change or a lure to the curious.

Is it like a belief system? From early on in some families we are taught to pray and told our religion. From the time we are young perhaps their are rituals and special ceremonies to acclimate us to this way of life.

And for some Twitter and IG sons or daughters it may look like the path that leads to freedom! Freedom of their minds! Freedom to their favorite modes of expression!

And I had some friends whose parents were really cool. I don't remember particulars (that's how old I am) but I think some of the parents would even let the kids smoke pot. Is it a far cry to also be supportive of a psychological thing like 'sexual orientation'? Well, it's probably not going to be popular with other parents but neither was the marijuana and I'm not sure I'm that concerned about it.

The problem? Jack and Darcy's mom and dad do NOT agree.

What we see is a digressing from the PTA social norm until we have an 18-year-old. And then it sort of becomes (usually) an issue of "NOT IN MY HOUSE!".

To be really cavalier about the 'orientation' or 'identity' issue is ultimately to challenge the social barriers and ideological divides of society.

To ignore the side effects of that challenging stance is in my heart to be irresponsible about your effect on the social ecology of your friendships, relationships, career, religion, family, and long-term everything.

I feel like when we evaluate our carbon footprint as we search for a vehicle, we should also make some choices about what is acceptable for the ecology of our choices in life.

Should I shave my head? Should I tattoo my face?

But that is not how the 'orientation' is presented. It's on its face presented as more honest with your soul and more direct to your emotions.

True. Why? Because the internet is on fire? Because entertainment is hypersexualized?

Priority goes to family. Priority goes to your validity as a human and your values system, and your morality; your moral compass and your thirst to actualize and transcend as the person your mother would want to see in 50 years when she is 95 and so proud to see the conclusions you have arrived at despite every obstacle under the sun leading you into the melting pot of subcultures.

Love. Devotion. Passion. Honesty (the one I am terrible at). These will take you where you want to go.

If you let 'coming out of the closet' to impress the five people your own age (two of whom did not finish high school) who know a few things about life from their older brother and older sister, you might wake up to find there isn't really a new obstacle and now you've come out and you don't know what is your next step.

Life is like that! I made the wrong decision and found myself evaluating and deciding on retreat. "Coming Out of the Closet?"

I think that anytime we see those words it should be a red flag. I want that person to know that rebelling or reaching for something that feels more honest to your emotions than a hardline on conservative ethics (sometimes poorly explained conservatism that feels like a punishment not deserved and hard to employ for not understanding) or than adherence to religion that doesn't feel rewarding to a young person whose senses are bombarded by entertainment and without role models to lead any direction but "out" or something like blindly following something we do not understand...

to know that it's normal! I want to feel like my feet are on the ground! Coming out of the closet? I just want to show you that I'm normal! And smart! Smart enough to figure this dog and pony show is over

and that I'm ready for something new because this old thing won't do!

That's when I want to try to tell you something. I have an idea!

What if the new thing were designed to reward you by showing you that you are able to feel your own emotions about values and morals that are socially accepted?

You would be a leader for one thing. But also, I think you would see yourself transcending; you would make sense of obstacles and surpass them.

And whether they like it or not, your parents would be so impressed!

If my son or daughter wanted to "come out of the closet" I would try to help them find a way to express things about themselves that wouldn't change their life outcome.

I would try to help them see that it's about expression and that you can prioritize the chemistry of your society's 'belief systems' and you can prioritize 'spirituality' for yourself personally, and that the change in you can be yours and yours only, and that love and beauty define you, that you're a beautiful person and unique and glorious without taking a stand and challenge about sexual orientation.

Beauty gives you your meaning. You don't need to make that kind of change. You may be ready to set some priorities for yourself that have their origins in your heart and love and that it won't define you by destroying part of you or abandoning anything about you.

You'll have a victory all the time and that's what will define you. You are a success!

 

When it comes to things sexual, boys are supposed to only have sex with girls; they're supposed to only like girls and to be romantically inclined with them and, for good measure, no sex of any kind without being married, never have sex with someone you don't care about or love, and absolutely, positively, never engage in same-sex stuff lest you be homosexual and that's a sin and God will get you for sinning like that.

Sound familiar? For many of us here, it should because it's the same religion-based, dogmatic rhetoric that has been handed down from generation to generation since religion was created - a damned serious social construct and one that has had many a man or woman diving for the shelter of The Closet because their idea of sociosexual interacting with others is either 100% homosexual or, gasp, being one of those greedy bisexual motherfuckers who are obviously confused, can't make up their mind what they want and, obviously, are trying to hide the fact that they're gay or in great denial of being gay - and all of that crap is also something many of you should be familiar with.

When faced with a situation like this, you have two choices: Stand up and thumb your nose at conventional thinking regarding love, sex, sexuality, and relationships or... you go hide in the closet because you fear being taken to task for not being heterosexual and as religion and our other social contracts mandate. As bisexuals, it doesn't help us any to be lumped in with homosexuals and then being hated and despised as if we were homosexuals and by a current - and ever-present social culture - that doesn't want to be bothered with knowing and understanding that bisexuals are not homosexuals and because of this, bisexuals are subject to being persecuted and just like homosexuals have been persecuted and... closet doors are opening and slamming closed all over the place.

Out of necessity? Probably and that's because it's easier to hang out in the closet than it is to stand up and tell conventional thinking to kiss your ass and here's some truth that those who believe in conventional thinking do not want to get out because it contradicts everything we've been told about The Way It's Supposed To Be - and bisexuality just seriously fucks all of this up because bisexuals are not monosexuals, either; it's not men or women - it's always been men and women but since this really spits in the face of The Way It's Supposed To Be and fucks conventional thinking in the ass, yeah, an unimaginable number of bisexuals are diving into the closet and locking themselves in because they have reason to believe that should even their thoughts about sexuality were to be known, they're going to get their "gay ass" kicked and fear being hunted by true homophobes and the ones who believe that killing anyone who isn't straight is doing God's Work.

I can understand those who are hiding out in the closet because they wound up facing a lot of grief because they came out and got their head handed to them and that's being nice about it. Once bitten, twice shy I believe the saying goes. What I don't understand is all of the people hiding in the closet who have not come out and have not gotten their head handed to them for not being straight but they're there because of the perception of getting their ass kick and losing everything so, yeah, the social construct of The Closet makes all the sense in the world... until someone hiding out in there finds out that being int he closet hasn't exactly been all that healthy to and for them.

And even more so when you're bisexual and in a relationship and the rules regarding this makes a lot of men and women suppress themselves even more in order to comply with those rules - and rules that do not differentiate between being married and not being married: Keep only unto yourself. No cheating. If a man/woman is, somehow, "not enough" for you, too bad, you pervert - and you'd better not cheat or else. Many hide out in the social construct of The Closet because the horror stories that have sent people there in droves are real; relationships and lives have been ruined because of sexuality and it is, understandably, automatically assumed that if your man/woman were to find out that you're not all that straight, you're fucked and not in a good way so... into the closet you go and trying to suppress your thoughts and feelings and to your own detriment.

Many are finding out the hard way that it's not really society that's driving them to be in the closet: They've done this to themselves. All you have to do is go read forum posts written by guys who, right out of the gate, let you know that they're in the closet and then read about what they'd love to be able to do if they didn't have to be in the closet or how "sneaky" they feel because they will come out of the closet to get some dick but are quick to dive back in there as well as a great reluctance to come out to get the dick they need. This shit gets seriously messy after a while, and I've been around long enough to have seen this become a vicious cycle of behavior and because it can potentially be literally vicious, the social construct of The Closet becomes a necessary evil for many bisexuals who are afraid to be discovered as not being 100% heterosexual.

I refused to hang out in the closet; I've lost a lot of so-called friends because I chose not to hide in the closet and as they say, c'est la vie - that's life. Is it a red flag when you're trying to get into a guy's underwear? Yeah, it can be because, if nothing else, it tells you that he's afraid of his sexuality - and what he's doing about it/wants to do about it - is going to be discovered and he'll be tarred and feathered and lose everything and, well, this, too, should be familiar.

And religion is directly responsible for this behavior; the social conditioning we all receive in our youth is directly responsible for this behavior; our overall inability to see and accept the truth of what we can be is responsible for this behavior. A life lived in fear is a life not worth living.

 

I agree with what you're saying 100%!

What I don't agree with is the premise that directs our minds away from what we're taught!

And why can't we harness that curiosity toward something already structured and fuel our creativity with the inspiration to be a more valued and premised personality?

I don't see why our self-expression leads us to something regarding sex or gender or a mixing of our psychology that doesn't naturally coincide with our routine and our norms and our origins!

This is really important!

The world sees this differently than the United States and I'm beginning to see why!

Enter the dragon!

Hint*: this also works for the "White People/Black People" Analysis. What color are they anyway? And what are they wearing? Must have come out of the closet or dressed in the dark!

 

I feel like this goes to my tattoo-my-face logic though.

Get up Stand up? Yeah! Stand up for your right! You can make decisions and I applaud you! Why does a trend to challenge conventional wisdom get to mischaracterise the rest of your life?

There are 1 in 20 who have made the same stand. What is the percentile? What are my odds? Who are my allies? Who are my possible mates or partners?

I don't like the numbers to put it plainly. But I also don't like the idea that America is a den of hedonistic egotists or indiscriminate degenerates and to add to that the old adage that we are imperialist about this as we are with every other premise.

 

If I spoke casually into a microphone to a gym full of high school students about 'black people' in Harlem it wouldn't help their understanding of critical race theory, social constructs, or the myth and legend of 'white privilege' (how on earth are we calling it that at the same time as claiming 'black' is a social construct? please fix this), no.

When we use the term, it blends into the background. And without the obvious contrast of the sociological theme and 'social construct' setting, it's normalized into our social vernacular.

What kind of odds are there then? How many minds find their way then 'out of the closet' and into a psychological tangled mess that will never sort itself out, will possibly destroy relationships with family, may limit our career (unjustly or otherwise because discrimination is never ok, yet prevails and so I'm counting), and may inflate our ego that we are making ourselves smarter and thus more attractive while at the same time significantly limiting our relationship options without announcing such.

I guess what I would say from experience is 'Do not come out of the closet!'. And it isn't worth it. And your curiosity is better served by understanding that colloquial term as a metaphor for 'coming out of your shell', and that while being more emotionally in touch and more expressive is fuel for creativity, it is impractical to apply this to relationships, even if it might look cool for the last year of high school or Halloween.

My thinking too is that if I'm a therapist and paid to be informative to you about the topic, I will tell you what I know. It's a social construct, but also that the curiosity and the inspiration are valid and potent and real! And I'd tell you too that there is no reason not to be inspired to make changes to your own psychology, but that I don't think it would be worth it to endeavor into your sexual orientation or your gender identity.

Society gives us some logical applications for these changes. We just have to learn which of them best fits our personality. It's like choosing stuff in a videogame.

And if life is not an RPG videogame, it's a metaphor. This is a better way to achieve your life goals.

When I say egotist, or imperialist, or degenerate, that is not how we typically characterize creativity, imagination, inspiration, or expression. I am not about negativity, but I do see a problem. Coming out of the closet to amplify expression around sexuality does not usually coincide with our families or social norms. I think it is a symptom of our spontaneity being of a higher priority than our responsibilities.

 

Ha, as a martial artist, I always thought those yellow gis were tacky and then they only did it so that the stars of the movie - except Bruce - could stand out... and I have no idea what this has to do with being in the closet and more so when being there has nothing to do with race.

Why can't we harness the curiosity? Because we're not supposed to. Doesn't mean that we don't find out the truths that our social constructs and contracts don't want us paying attention to but part of finding out those truths seems to come with an automatic trip to the closet so you can hide something that no one else knows about you. I've known people to hit the closet just having sexual and/or romantic thoughts about going both ways; if no one knows what you're thinking, why are you hiding?

Because you're not supposed to have such thoughts. The fucked-up part is that our social constructs and contracts have not been updated to reflect the fact that a lot of people are finding out that the constructs and contracts are... bullshit, for the most part, as the question goes, if not being straight is such an evil thing, why are there so many people who aren't straight? Not being straight is considered to be wrong and immoral but how likely is it that everyone who isn't straight is wrong? But, again, The Closet becomes a necessary evil because here in 2024, we still believe that not being straight is wrong and evil and a sin and history has proven time and time again that we have not been kind to those who chose not to be heterosexual.

It shouldn't be this way; in that perfect world that doesn't exist, the social construct of The Closet wouldn't exist. But it does. It's just my thought that if you can't or don't see how our self-expression can lead to things that clash with The Way It's Supposed To Be, well, hmm - it's not that hard to see how this not only happens but it's been happening all along. Homosexuals had to take shelter from those who would punish them up to and including taking their lives; bisexuals saw this happening and... kept their heads down. Not hiding in the closet so much but flying under the radar.

Then, one day a few years ago The New York Times printed an article that said that bisexuality was real and spoke to why it was real... and people started losing their ever-loving minds and bisexual men became the new great evil in the world and for a lot of reasons - and reasons that I heard way back in 1964 and stuff that had been aimed right at gay men. Bisexual men all over dove into the closet - and if they weren't there already and even when they were only being bisexual in their thoughts. Bi guys have had reason to hide in the closet because it was the only way they could put some distance between themselves and gay men and just more proof that we live in a world that doesn't know the difference between bisexual and homosexual and the continued belief that drove homosexual men into the closet that if a man has sex with a man, that means he's gay and he needs to have his ass kicked... because God said so... but did He really?

That's a whole different discussion. The Closet has always been a social construct. Homosexuals owned the closet once upon a time but bisexuals... moved in as well because of the fear - real or imagined - of what someone is going to say or do because they're not as straight as they're supposed to be, and bisexuals are in there for as simple a thing as thinking in bisexual terms and ways.

Does the rest of the world see all of this differently than those of us in the US? Probably but we've always been the laughingstock of the world when it comes to sex and sexuality and how... childish, immature, and prudish we are about both things even though religious beliefs to hold sway over all of us and its mandate to be heterosexual... or else. Things have been changing albeit slowly but change is always slow to happen - and we have a history to being resistant to change but change is inevitable and one of these days, the social construct that is The Closet will be torn down... but that day isn't here yet and people go there to hide their sexuality and/or gender orientation because they do not conform to The Way It's Supposed To Be.

 

I don't want to nitpick, but I'll tell you what I'm thinking about.

You are a charming charismatic and intelligent person. But my father handles my social contracts. And my mother instructed my religious values. And I learned to be emotionally cognizant from therapy. And with a lot of years, I learned to be practical about life.

The curiosity in me led me to misunderstand sexuality. At 20, I wanted to prioritize my emotional wellbeing. At the same time, I was leaving behind an addiction and losing out in relationships.

And I thought being in the know would save my skin! So, I wanted to identify as something I wasn't. Or wanted to use old facts from the past as currency for the present.

But relationships don't work like that. And old facts only contribute a minute fraction to real-time romantic interactions.

If I had it to do over, I would only hope that someone with the knowledge I have would take me aside and ask me what I thought about the values of my father and my grandparents. I would want them to help me evaluate how to harness my energy to use it as a tool that will conquer goals, transcend boundaries, and help me turn out responsibly; not having to solve for my new ID.

That is where I was. What I learned is that for me it wasn't easy to internalize things from my family. But if someone broke it down in practicality, I would have taken hold and ran!

I think it's only fair to tell someone who is considering this, not only is it a social construct but it could change things about your life that you didn't intend sort of like offering an app permissions on your cell phone to use your camera or location.

 

My mother handled the religious values and the social contracts; my father enforced them. I didn't know a damned thing about sexuality other than being told (a) not to have sex and (b) do not ever have sex with another boy, which was an evil sin. Then... dick. What a rush that was but one that took me years to wrap my head around so I could answer what was a simple question: How can something that everyone says is so bad feel so good? The things that wound up changing my life contradicted what my mother, father, and other elders were trying to cram into my head and I wanted and needed to know why I'd been lied to. Three years later, I learned the word, "bisexual" and quite by accident and almost got tossed out of the public library because I blurted out, "So that's what I've been doing!" and, indeed, I'd been off and running having sex with boys and girls and, well, like it was illegal and I knew that it was immoral with the boys, "improper" with the girls and conflicting things regarding do's and don't's with girls (another conversation) but the sex and other intimacies not only felt good but a lot of digging at the library that I shouldn't have been doing started to paint a picture about social norms and where they came from.

I was learning much more than how to have sex with someone; I was that kid who got into trouble for asking questions I shouldn't have known to ask, let alone asking them. I needed answers and I went looking for them... and I found them. Learned about social conditioning; learned about the many social contracts we have and that we created but I didn't learn about The Closet until 1970 - and then I heard about it from a gay guy I wanted to have sex with and he asked me if I was in the closet and like he was and... I had no idea what he meant or what he was talking about but I found out from him as well as learning that this was a place where gay guys and gals went to hide their sexuality from family and friends because if they didn't, it could mean a lot of trouble for them; I would also eventually learn that gay people weren't the only ones hiding in the closet. I learned what the closet was and why it existed - and I had to learn it on my own because there was no one who could - or would - teach and guide me in these things - and the only thing my parents had to say about it other than stop tring to grow up so fast was... don't do it and if you go, God will punish you for doing it... and if we catch you doing or even think that you are, we're going to punish you.

Here's the thing. You can tell someone about the "advantages" and "perils" of being in the closet and how being there is going to be an additional change to your life and on top of the one where your new sexuality or new awareness of your gender identity came along to change... everything. Will they understand it? Accept it as it being normal to hide out there? Who are they really hiding from - other people or themselves? So many additional questions and a lot of answers that don't make sense because a lot of people don't know why the closet exists and maybe don't even care - but they choose to be in the closet and some blame everyone else for their being in the closet, which isn't true unless you came out and it fucked up your life; otherwise, if you're in the closet, you put yourself there and now the question is why did you do this to yourself? This starts to get too messy even for me.

Can this construct influence the technological decisions you mentioned? Beats the hell out of me because I don't see how the two things are even relevant - you're either going to give the permissions or you aren't going to. But if this is really a question of choice, well, sure - you can choose to be in the closet or choose not to go there. Either way, your life is going to be affected.

 

I would like to refer to the closet instead of the hiding place that you have very eloquently described, instead as a shell and a mode of thought, or of your original persuasion.

Coming out of your shell... Coming out of your shelter... Coming out of the maternal womb... Coming out of your safe space to face a reckoning you hadn't anticipated.

I'm not sure this is a hiding place anymore. When you say such, I remember a 1950s America.

"Coming Out of the Closet" is so broadly accusatory! It assumes a need to leave behind your old shell and adopt a new persona that has a new gender identity and/or a new sexual orientation.

What I think when I am suggesting "values" and "origins" and "culture" and "spirituality" and using energy and influence and curiosity and volition to adopt a new persona to be sure, but to have it be centered around things you are familiar with.

And that your new persona will not adopt a new identity but instead augment parts of you that you almost left behind in favor of a new orientation.

You come out of your shell to be more direct in your assertions about your life's direction, but instead of a sexual orientation or gender identity theme the theme is real. It's the one your parents tried to give you. It's the one your environment tried to give you. It's the maybe under-nurtured undernourished part of you that only needed a decision.

You have made your decision. It isn't to adopt new relationship styles and psychology. Your new voice is actually the voice within you having taken shape and offering you a strength you didn't know you possess!

Love gives you meaning. And a self-love so very deserved is so powerful! You deserve you and you are beautiful and unique! And your origin and your shelter and the love you deserve are worth protecting!

That love is real. Is this some reflex? An animalistic instinct? We are more sentient than that. And you deserve to understand yourself and your needs more than a simple calling out to arbitrarily insist that you need to come out of your shell to start your life.

Nothing could be more arbitrary and misstated.

That's why I don't like telling someone to 'come out of the closet'. What in the world would I want to do that for?!

 

I try not to overthink it.
I've done my share of home building. In that context a closet is simply a small room construct. What you do with that room is up to you. You can hang your clothes, store away your memories, store away your secrets, hide, or just never put a door on it.
The social closet is similar but it's been made too confusing.
In the old days, before all the social media and proliferation of the internet, 'in the closet' was a gentle way of referring to gays (men and women) who were known but not publicly expressing it. It took on more meanings when probing the minds of people suffering from hiding themselves from those around them.
I like my closet. I like the freedom to share my kinks with those I trust and keeping them from those I don't trust. The internet has made sharing more like therapy because of forums like this one. Free to share but nobody is on the lawn out front with signs saying I'm going to hell.
I have a box in the closet with stockings and panties and bras that fit me. Not hanging up or in a drawer, in a box in the closet.
I have my sex toys in a box in the closet. Not on the coffee table.
I'm thankful to have my closet and I'm happy peeking out for a few people but I don't expect to ever walk out and close the door behind me because that's what happens when you come out. The door closes behind you and you probably can't get back in.
I saw some summer dresses and sandals that I know one guy would love to see on me while I'm kneeling in front of him. I might need a bigger closet.

 

It's best to not overthink it. Some learn to thrive within this social construct; some never learn how to but the big message in this is that you don't have to exist in the closet if you don't want to or if you find it being detrimental to you - but that doesn't mean running around all over the place and telling everyone about something about you that isn't any of their business.

 

And the beat goes on