Telling my boyfriend the sex isn't good

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years now. Emotionally, everything that should be there is there. However, for years I have felt that the sex isn't cutting it. I'm physically attracted to him but I'm tired of having to stop every 5 minutes because he can't handle it. We've tried bringing things into the bedroom, dressing up, and probably most of what you're thinking right now. I've suggested the condoms that promise to increase erection time but he hasn't got them. I'm sure it hurts him a little to buy them. Since it seems to be a common topic around here, I should mention that I've never cheated on him and I never will. I just know that I can't marry him if the sex doesn't pick up and I don't think it's wrong of me to not want to commit to a life of bad sex.

Women: How do you tell a man that you just wanna be rammed?
Men: How can we say it without killing your ego?

 

So his john goes soft? Ever try viagra?

 

First of all, don't ever think its a bad thing if you know you can't commit to marriage or something because the sex is bad! Sex is a huge part of a relationship, especially a life-long one!

Usually in cases like this, where you've tried and put in efforts and nothing has changed, you've gotta make a decision for YOUR happiness. First, try talking to him, and telling him you will leave because you need a sexual chemistry with someone in order to have a future with them. Sometimes, you have to throw the threat of leaving in order for it to click.

If that doesn't work, you have to think about yourself and whether or not this is something you can live with. Some people you just can't change and I'm currently helping my best friend who's going through something similar in her marriage...

 

Don't settle for a bad sex life.
You will regret it later.

As I understand it the problem is that he does not last, correct ?
Can he get an erection again quickly ?
Maybe you should make him cum and then help him get hard and go at it again - he should last longer!
A topical anesthetic such as lidocaine cream may help prolong him.

If as you say everything is there emotionally, then talk with him.
Not at a time near sex, some other time, at the table or on the couch, when you are relaxing - talk to him. Tell him how you feel, what your needs are. Suggest that you two see a therapist.
if you want the relationship - then work at it.
if the sex does not improve, or he will not attempt to improve it - move on.

 

eeehhhh. First post? I dunno------

 

At least it seems down to earth and had a specific question, it doesn't involve any strange fetishes or fucking family members. Just "why won't it stay hard, and how do I fix it or make him fix it without shattering his world"

Even if it's a fake post, it seems like a harmless enough one, compared to most here.

OP: Being honest with him doesn't mean being mean, just tell it like it is. There's things that will help him stay hard, even an aspirin might thin his blood enough to help (don't just try more if it doesn't work... never take more than 650mg of aspirin within the dosing period specified on the bottle of 325mg tablets, you'll wreck your kidneys, dialysis with a limp dick is worse than having a limp dick)

Beyond that, there's all sorts of other things that can help thin your blood, improve circulation, or some combination of those, from viagra to herbal therapies. Just don't try mixing or stacking treatments, that could cause heart problems, strokes, clotting problems, that sort of thing.

I like sex and all, and can get hard before, but doing one thing for ever I can go soft... Like, it might feel good, but if he's not about to climax, even a good feeling can get boring, when even anticipating sex might keep you hard. So I guess I'm just as limp as your boyfriend... Hold off a few days, without either of you masturbating, and then try going at it?

If you're not saying that he can't stay hard, but that he finishes too soon, then the solution is obvious: have more sex, and get him used to it. When he's about to finish, stop, let him cool down, and keep going.

 

id say get into the habit of him 'serving' you before you bring him to orgasm. men have one switch. on and off. women have a number of switches dials, codes and so on. the control panel would look much more like your flying a plane than turning on a lightbulb. i think its normal for a guy to last about 5 mins as it means you turn him on so much. if a guy takes ages to cum he's either on something, not emotionally fully present or just not that into. it sounds like your in a good place you just need to get him to pay more attention to your body before you engage his. it takes practice and effort on both parts but the most important thing is that you talk through it with each other. the majortiy of couples that break down is because they dont talk rather than the actually issues that are going on. but like i said, you need to both talk about it. that doesnt mean while your talking he's doing his emails. its 'put everything aside, music and TV off and talk'

most problems are fairly simple once you have the art of talking but its and endless journey.

oh also might be good to address how the two of you see talking about sex. upbringing and how sex was address growing up plays a huge role to how open you both would be to it.

hope this helps.

 

it doesnt say anythng about him stayng hard, just says he can't handle it... maybe he gets tired? If he can't please one woman sexually, he doesnt deserve the chocha

 

Well actually, it does.

It says she wants him to buy condoms that enable him to keep an erection for longer.

However, I don't know if she means some sort of sensitivity reducing product to make him not orgasm as quickly, or something meant to make him stay harder longer.

If he's coming too quickly, it's her own damn fault for not working with him to reduce the sensitivity, it means he's not having enough sex, and they're not doing the right things, she's just pushing him to fuck as hard as possible with no breaks. There's plenty of techniques, many of them quite obvious, to last just about as long as you want, unless you have EXTREME pre-penetration ejaculation issues.

Need more specific info.

 

If he cums too quick, just have him go again after. If he cant then he doesnt deserve the chocha.

 

My fiance is pretty quick to orgasm when we get started, but after the 15 minute rest, he usually goes too long if that's possible, lol. I remember when we discovered it, he was shocked and ecstatic, and said the first thing he thought was "so this is what sex feels like." We had done it many times, but he was always too excited to enjoy it. I got used to just not being able to orgasm from sex. It was a sad state of affairs until we tried leaving it alone for 10-15 minutes and then starting it up again.

If you've already tried this, and he ALWAYS orgasms too fast regardless of how many times you've done it, then he has some work to do. There are exercises he can do and numbing creams as has already been suggested. There is always psychological and medical intervention, but if he isn't into working on any of this, then it might be time to hit the road. He's not being realistic if he thinks that you guys have a working relationship if it's sexless. If he couldn't orgasm, I think he'd be in more of a hurry to fix it, but that's the problem- he has all he wants while you have none. It's selfish for him to let his ego get in the way of pleasing you if he really loves you and wants to do so. In my opinion, it's a bad sign. What else would he be willing to compromise at your expense? I absolutely agree that you shouldn't marry him unless he is willing to stop at nothing to fix this, because if the sex life in broken, the whole relationship is broken. Yes, it does in fact matter this much. Kudos to you for realizing this.

 

You seem to be blaming him for coming too soon.

He can go 5 mins, which means he's NOT out of control. What he needs is a partner who understands and can work with him, by stopping when necessary and using positions that help him relax the muscles he needs to. It's not all him, it's her saying that he hasto be able to "pound" her or whatever she said, to no end. I'm sure that 5 minutes of sex however rough she wants, coupled with a few seconds of stopping so that he can get back under control, which will improve him in the long run, isn't too much to ask.

As far as making him sound greedy or something by saying he'd be in a hurry to fix it if he wasn't orgasming, well excuse me, I've only ever had one orgasm from sex with another person.... it would be nice to fix that, but considerably less important than if I came too soon. but I don't think you're looking at this from a very fair point of view. Maybe you're just used to douchebags.

 

I realize now that it sounded that way. Sorry. It's not his fault if he has something going on, but it is his fault that he's not doing more to correct it, whether that's communication with her (if it is indeed something that she is doing, which I am more than willing to accept), trying some products or some kind of clinical care.
If they aren't sexually compatible, then it's no one's fault, and there either needs to be some compromises or they need to end it. Staying together and fucking up their psyches trying to cope with the feelings of guilt and shame and inadequacy on both sides isn't doing anyone any favors if their fucking styles are simply too different to ever be cohesive. There comes a point where you just can't force a square peg into a round hole.

I can't come from stopping and starting. I can see why she would be frustrated with it, because every time you stop and reposition, it's almost like starting all over again. Not quite, but almost. We're still wet, we're still turned on, we're still begging for it, but mentally we have to focus and start the whole build up from the bottom of the hill, like Sisyphus and the boulder...
And I thought that by "stopping every 5 minutes" she meant he comes and it's over, or he comes and then comes the refractory period, or he comes and quits. If he just needs to stop and let the feeling of wanting to come pass, then maybe you could work with it like you say.
You were right before. We need more info.

Or I empathize with not being able to orgasm from sex because something isn't jiving. That's the point of view I am looking at it from. Thankfully we were able to regroup and figure out what the problem was together and now we've fixed it. Unfortunately, my best friend wasn't so lucky. Her boyfriend just stopped trying and refused any kind of help because he didn't want to tell his doctor he couldn't get it up. They ended up breaking up twice before she finally moved on. So what I was posting was more of a "don't take this if he isn't willing to work with you" more than a "he definitely is thinking this." I'm sorry if it came of as generalizing all of mankind.

And can you clarify what your situation has to do with this? I'm not sure how it applies to him... I'm sorry for it, though. I used to think that was me, but I am very grateful that it is not. I do have a friend that has that problem and knows it, so she doesn't expect an orgasm from sex anymore, and they have other things that they do to get her off. If you haven't accepted that you will never orgasm from sex, though, it is very disappointing when you continually fail to have one. I always found it very isolating from my partner- very lonely. It definitely makes me feel less close to him, and I think that's a reasonable response to a situation where he is basically on the moon and I'm on the ground waving at him like "glad you're having fun."
Once again, not trying to place blame for something that is beyond his control, but we have feelings about this, too, and we can't just recondition ourselves to just shrug and say "whatever."

 

I was responding to where you seemed to generalize men and say that he would be doing more to fix it if it was the opposite problem. I'm about as random a guy as her boyfriend is, from your point of view, so I think my particular situation and view of it should play into this as much as his. We're both random samples from the general male population.

I realize it can be frustrating to have to stop just as you personally are getting close to orgasm. But his problem, if she did indeed mean that he's finishing too soon, is NOT a sexual dysfunction, it's simply not being used enough to sex to keep going, and too sensitive. I'm talking about a cure for it, and others will agree: if he's finishing after 5 minutes and she wants more, the way to fix that is to condition him to not orgasm so soon, which, as you might guess, is best (maybe ONLY) done by having more sex before orgasming, which is done by holding off an orgasm, by one of the ways I mentioned or other ways.

Fighting back and controlling an orgasm long enough to be able to start freshly, but not waiting long enough to be starting at square one, and repeating this as long as possible, is the cure, not a temporary stop-gap measure.

Quite simply put: if the problem she's referring to is not one of hardness (as she sort of made it sound like, by being vague), but of quick orgasming, it's her fault for being frigid and then expecting him to be practiced. If you want him to be practiced, you better give him practice.

 

Thank you for the clarification. I meant in general, not necessarily because he was a guy. If it was a chick getting all the O's, I would say the same thing about her. Convenient that I say that now, I know, but I mean it for what it's worth. This isn't the first time my posts have come off as sexist. I'm really going to have to work on that, because even though I don't mean it that way, it really hurts my credibility... I'm not going to pretend we're all the same, though- it can't happen without a hard cock, and we just don't naturally (usually) have those.

Ah, so I'm not the only one generalizing here.
I don't know where in her post she mentioned that she's "frigid" as you say, or what gave you that impression other than he can't last longer than 5 minutes. This could be for any number of reasons, although I will admit this is a possibility.

Everything else you've said in this particular post I agree with, though. :2thumbsup:

 

Well I mean, as far as her being frigid, I suppose I'm being a bit harsh. But it sounds like she wants it when she wants it, but wants things that can't work that way. Maybe if they'd try a few times a day, it would solve her problem, and then letting off after a while if she REALLY doesn't enjoy that much sex, would have fixed the problem? Or just keep going after he finishes, as you and others have mentioned, that very well might fix the whole thing with no pause required.

It just sort of looks, to me, as though she's trying to act high and mighty about HIM not preforming, like she can't continue the relationship because of HIS problem, and yeah, a relationship DOES need good sex(good being whatever makes both people happy) to be a good relationship, but it sounds like he preforms like.... most guys do... and like maybe he's hesitant about going and purchasing extra numbing condoms or whatever not because it's embarassing, but because he doesn't want to tell her and himself that he has a problem, and it looks to me like he's right to hesitate. He's sexually healthy and can have sex for 5 minutes, which is ten to fifty times longer than a lot of people who have problems with being quick, and have a proper orgasm. If she wants him to have sex longer she needs to work on helping him train his body a bit, instead of just acting like he's dissapointing because his body's functioning how it can be expected to.

I think?

*edit* I mean, as the title says, doesn't it seem like she cares more about telling him that the sex isn't good, than fixing the sex?

 

Shouldnt that be the test though?

You are worried about hurting his sensitive little feelings? Like his mommy?


Get him to man up or its going to get worse

 

I skimmed the replies and it looks like many great things have been mentioned.

Don't agree to be monogamous if the sex isn't meeting your needs.

One of three things should happen:

1. He improves and begins to meet your needs.
2. Agree to stay with him but be able to get laid by someone else of your choice from time to time.
3. End your relationship with him.

Those are your options.

Now, I've struggled with lasting long enough. It has affected me usually earlier on in a relationship. In my current relationship I used to cum to soon about 20% of the time. Now that I'm more confident and things are not as new, I'm having trouble cumming at the same time as her.

There are ways that he can practice while alone and also ways that you two can practice together. Having sex more often helps. Also, pulling out when he reaches a 6 on a 1 - 10 scale (how close to cumming). Finally, staying in but both of you staying still helps too. His cock needs to become much more familiar with your vagina to the point that it's a little be less exciting to him. That doesn't sound erotic, but that's putting it in very plain terms.

 

Oh, I can relate to pretty much all of this.

I couldn't say how many times out of 100 I just want to whine "stop laying your body weight on me and humping me like a beached fish"

You have GOT to take charge sexually, get yourself on the bottom of a lazy hump and in can be harder work to get out from under it than it would be to sit him down on the couch with a beer and let him relax while you get yours

 

As women say, "the best way to get over a man is to get under another one." If the sex is bad and unsatisfying, other than for his money I cannot see why you should hold on. If he is dirt poor, dump him.