Teen internet monitoring.. need advice

n

 

Why do you not just take her internet priveleges away for awhile? She should be punished for lying to you.

Or...if she's on the computer, you need to sit right there with her...

*shrugs*

I guess if you are going to lie, you should suffer the consequences, IMO.

 

Dancer,
How long would you say is appropriate to be grounded from the internet? and when she gets back on, I could sit with her, but if I have things to do, or might not be home, then what? do I tell her that I'm monitoring her? or keep that to myself?
Thanks for your advice.. I do appreciate it1

 

I don't know...try it for a week...if that doesn't fix what's going on, then make it longer the next time.

As a parent sometimes you have to make sacrifices. You might have things to do, but what's more important? Those things, or your child's safety? Myspace can be a very dangerous place for children of that age...those "friends" may be perverts and not real "friends" after all.

You should, in my opinion, tell her she's going to be monitored...then she can change her habits right away instead of it being "sneaky" about it and "catching" her doing something wrong. If she's being monitored by software, you don't need to necessarily sit with her while she's on there...just make sure you're checking on it daily to catch anything suspicious...don't let it go a week without checking it. A week might be all it takes to decide to meet up with a stranger from there.

 

at 14 shes probly comming to grips withhormones & everything so it can be a dangerouse time
just when your monitoring her, you may be shocked at what u find, just tryto be understanding & not harsh..& be gentle & supportive in your responce
make sure she undderstands your not punnishing her for her feelings but to protect her from potential danger
otherwise she may rebel strongly against u & it will backfire & only make her more reckless & get into more danger
perhaps her actions arent that bad if shes safe? if its harmless exploration..shes 14 & thats natural
but yea alotta 14 year olds domake bad descisions about who to trust

 

risky, the keylogging (monitors the key strokes)

my parents put one of those on my computer when i was about 14 and when i found out and i found out what they had read i was the most embarressed id ever been, the most angry, the most hurt and so pissed off.. ive lost all trust in my parents and ultimately although i know they did it for my own good.. it was the wrong move and ill wont forgive them for it.

 

yea prettymuch whaty i said..instead of spying, try to just talk to her..explain why u worry, she'll only make mature descisions if u treat her as a responcible person

 

jeangenie, how would you have felt if they had done it and told you they were monitoring? would that have been better? or would you just be more sneaky? or you think its better to not do it at all?

I dont know .. I have tried to talk to her before about being responsible, and pretty much she is, and like soaringeagle says.. its not that bad of stuff, but the thing is, she is lying to me. that worries me. If she would be honest, its all good with me. If she's honest with me, I can handle whatever.. how do I get that point across? I have pretty much said that to her.. just be honest, and I can deal with anything. But she is obviously not honest with me. what do I do? what is the right way to deal with it?

 

My myspace account says I am on like 24/7 so she may not have really been on when it says she was online....I really don't know why....Also about the bulletins, she probably isn't posting them. She probably clicked something or someone got onto your system and bulletins are posted automatically posing as her. IDK if any of that made sense, sorry I'm not good with technical terms. I don't really have any adivce on your daughter but I thought I would just put my 2 cents in on the myspace f-ups.

 

Yea thats true too, i've gotten buitens sent from ppl who claimed they never sent them, & porn spam sounds typical of that sorta account spoofing

 

hhmmmm.. ok.. so, i guess i just let it all go.. dont monitor her at all? and what about the lying that she was online.. that I do know because I read the email that she said she was online when she wasnt supposed to be.. so, that part I know.. do i just let it go? let it be?
Peace all...
Thanks for the advice

 

The bulletin thing is probably people (probably her friends) playing tricks with her. I do it sometimes for kicks...

 

just talk to her...tell her ya dont want to monitor her every move but you just want to be sure shes gonna act in safe & trustworthy ways

ok, i can tell you, if u monitor her ya might find out shes up to anything...& you'll reacte..& she'll reacte..& b4 long its all a mess & she'll really get in trouble

instead let her know you could monitor her, but wont, if she'll just be safe & honnest about her activities..including who shes talking to

 

Yeah monitering won't go down at all well with her.. it sure didn't with me, i was in the same situation as like jean genie.

She's 14, she should be able to understand the main internet safety rules ie don't give out details and don't meet people off the internet. If she sticks to those then it should be fine, whatever she goes on, and i'm sure you'll agree her safety is the most important thing.


ps and really really don't suggest being there while she is on the internet. Ok so i don't know her, but my parents went through a phase of standing behind me and they had to deal with a very angry me in return.

i'm tired, i don't know if this makes sense

 

Christ sake, she's 14! She's bound to be curious about all this shit. Porno and all that. It's a much better plan to just leave her alone to get through that phase on her own than to log on while she's asleep and see everything she's been looking at. That's for your own comfort, without taking into account her right to privacy.

If she understands how to be safe on the internet, not to meet anyone in real life, not to give out personal info, etc., she'll be fine. If you don't think she understands this, talk to her. If that doesn't work, you'll have to monitor her. But don't do it just because you think her and her friends are exploring sexual subjects and the like. They have to do that sometime, so let them alone.

 

it's my opinion (and keep in mind that my children are not yet teens) that there is more to the issue than you are sharing. You don't trust your daughter, or you wouldn't be spying on her. That right there is one really big problem. She no longer trusts you, either. Well, that's understandable, I'd think. Talking to her, and respecting her as a human being who can make her own decisions is the only way to regain her trust and respect. She's going to make mistakes, and you know what? That's okay. You can't protect her from the world, the best you can do is teach her how to protect herself, and trust her to make her own decisions, good or bad they are her decisions to make. Teach her to trust her instincts about people. The best way to do that is to trust your own instincts, and trust in her to know what's best for herself. How is taking away her internet priviledges going to help? How is spying going to help? All it's going to do is drive her further away from you.

 

I personally think that you should trust your daughter, as she's only 14 and bound to be curious about things such as Porno etc, and if it was me, i'd hate to be checked up on like that - Leave her be and just be understanding if she has been, and don't be mad at her.

It isn't offensive IMO, and she isn't the only one who tends to get curious about these sort of things.

 

I think you need to tell her that you no that she lied to you about what she has done. But i know that my myspace says I am on when I am not sometimes. As far as changing her password.. does not do to much because she can go and request it be sent to her e-mail. and it will give her the past word. so then again she could have been on. For the monitoring things I would tell her that it is on there if you feel see needs to know. other wise if you think she is going to bad websites don't tell her and catch her. For the post and everything some times peoples myspaces gets virius cause my friends posts crazy post and he does not post them they just do it themself. she she could not be doing it.. but in the end I would really just sit down and talk to her about it.. and tell her you want her to be honest with her. and if she is not take proper disapline

 

You all have very good advice. I dont want to have her not trust me by me monitoring her. I've been thinking alot about all of it. I certainly didnt want my mom reading my stuff either, and I think more than anything, its just a power struggle between us. energetically, its just a struggle of power. I feel myself getting drawn into it, and wanting to know everything thats going on, and why is she lying and so forth. I know that really it is all small stuff. I dont think she's out doing anything innapropriate, but then again, when does the big stuff start? Usually with little stuff. So, where do I draw the line? How do I be a good parent, who she can trust?

Part of the problem is, she wont talk to me about anything... friends.. boys.. nothing.. its like she cant stand me..(i'm told its normal?) but thats part of it. Now, also, she just came home, and I told her that I knew about the lying, and she starts to make something up about how her friends did it. But I tell her I know she had her password emailed to her and thats how she got on. So, now of course she wont talk to me at all. I told her she is grounded for one week from the computer. She can still go to her friends party/sleepover on Friday, but just no computer.

How do I get her to tell me the truth in the future? How do I know she's telling the truth and not lying? how do I get her to open up to me, and realize I'm gonna be cool with it if she's honest?

Thanks everyone!
Peace,
Lori

 

I used to share almost everything with my mom- seriously. But that is because she would never think of spying on me and she never punished me. She would talk to me as an adult and I respected her for that. Spying on your daughter is ridiculous- and you are not doing it for her safety sounds like you're just curious because she doesn't talk to you. Myspace isn't even that bad, just explain to her that it can be dangerous, to make her myspace account private, and to only add people she knows as friends. I don't understand parents who go behind their kids backs and spies on them. She probably will look at porn and other weird shit you don't wanna know about.. its part of growing up. Don't be so uptight, no wonder your daughter doesn't talk to you.