Stoned Ramblings

Holy shit!!!
The neighbors had been complaining that my dog had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.
This evening I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my evening should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the fucking collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane fucker across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the humid evening air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.

Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!
Even though this does sound like some crazy thing that I'd do, I hate to break the news that it's a copied story that gave me a good laugh so feel free to do the same.

 

I love having no neighbors. Well I do have them but it's not close like the suburbs and they are probably afraid of my dog anyway.

 

my neighbors are actually far but near. the junkie house is diagonal to my place. If I sit on my front porch I can watch them all day making jackasses of themselves. Inside and outback I dont hear much shit. just the goofy church that dont know what a light switch is used for. my new deck is a little higher, and im figuring some umbrella posts to block that light when i want to. Im still very fucked with desiging the railing but watched some vids today actually, and I think I figured out a basic. and then i have to cut out steps... FML..

 

Having an eye exam..worst thing ever when they check eye pressure and blow air into your eye..

 

Growing supply of marijuana in Colorado leads to lower prices

 

Omg then the doctor gets so fucking close to exam your eyes,creeeeepy..unless the doctor is attractive ..this doctor is old and sinky... Literally,bad b.o.

 

Yeah it makes you jump lol. Ah well could be worse you could have my eyes. You don't want my eyes. I've had 2 corneal transplants, refractive lasic and now wear super expensive laser precision to my cornea contacts. And I sat through all surgery awake while they sewed 70+ stitches in them and I was awake when they pulled them out too.

I hope your eyes are good.

Irm gives a hoot about eye site.

 

That's it I'm calling The Police..

 

This is the best part of the trip, man the best part.. 3:14

 

these maggots wants to play the fireworks are legal shit. and then get all pissy when I toss out a M500 crater mortars... and shut them down and I told em ,, keep it up and Ill toss one out every fucking hour after midnight .. think I wont! these fucking things rock houses and set car alarms off for blocks away..

 

the audacity of junkies, into me for 168$ fucking my car glass ...motherfuckers better have that cash when they come to court. i see someone called the po po... probably from my nuclear blast that was heard miles away.. fuck em. we can play this game.

 

I like crackers.

 

Oh I think people of all backgrounds have something to offer -

Ahem, yes you mean crackers.

Sometimes in soup? A bit dry on their own.

 

U.S. approves marijuana-based drug for seizures. Interesting. Looks like FDA approved seizure drug.

 

I like turtles.

 

...Also sometimes in soup?

 

Well,now you just sound crazy

 

I was complainingly about the same thing a month or so ago. One of my least favorite things in the world.

 

Not a peep since my last explosion..

 

$100 for about a half O. When you first start buying it's about $150. They'll drop the price once they know you, though. In their currency, it's a bit more than 500 RMB (1/6th) of the average person's salary.

This is what you usually get. Laughable compared to home, but gets the job done.