Something I did when I was 12

Hello.
Recently, the shame and worthlessness I feel over this has been too much to bear any longer. I need to get this out so that I can move forward. I am afraid to do so with a therapist though, I fear legal action, as i am not sure if this would require a break in confidentiality. if anyone knows, I'd love to know

I had a confusing and angry childhood. A very angry father and a sister who invited me to touch her sexually when i was 6. Nowadays I am pretty happy with myself. I have moved out of my childhood home and since doing so have grown tremendously. This confession is in part a result of my desire to grow and develop more. If I am able to bring my shadows into the light, will they be just paper tigers and hold no more power over me through fear?

when I was twelve, I had a nanny with a four year old daughter. we were very good friends, and I loved to do silly stuff to make her laugh, like pretend to run into walls. i would read to her, and we were always playing games.
I was pretty curious sexually at that age, and began to play sex games with her. this included showing her mine, explaining that this was a penis, and explaining that she had a vagina. I also once touched my penis to her vagina, and noticing that it would not go in, I stopped. as soon as I noticed this, I stopped. I did not hurt her, she never expressed discomfort or anything. basically, it touched her.

I still feel very guilty about this, and don't know what to do to make amends. I doubt she was traumatized or anything, we continued to have a good friendship, and this was as far as it ever went. I still feel worthless and pretty disgusted with myself. I am 28 now. I would forgive a 12 year old of this, actually... but it is hard to know If I deserve forgiveness here.

Let me know if you have feedback. thanks

 

Since you were only 12 years old I would say that yes you deserve to forgive yourself. Especially since you were introduced to that kind of thing when you were 6 by someone else. I think you should let it go. I wouldn't want to spend my time thinking about something like that.

 

If at 28 you had a 4 year old girl and you discovered that a 12 year old was molesting her, how would that make you feel.

Given you were a child as well when this happened, I can understand needing to forgive yourself.

What I find difficult to reconcile is your statement "I would forgive a 12 year old of this" as it feels like justification of assault.

If your age was on par with the other child, it would present far differently. It would not have made it right but at least the other child might have had the knowledge and maturity to tell you to bugger off or to tell an authority figure.

I am sorry that you were abused but you repeated a cycle and that is a problem. That is also typical behaviours of those who are abused.

I would suggest you ensure that it does not happen in adulthood as that also tends to be a pattern of behaviour.