Here's the deal. I've been in a long distance relationship for a year, and I cheated a couple of times in the earliest couple of months. I haven't said anything, but its complicated. I actually met her on a date when I had another gf, so shes had some trust issues from the beginning. Still, we got together and she took a chance on me. After my first big visit to her I came back and was out of control, and used a couple of girls who I had slept with in recent months, whose personalities I was annoyed by, and frankly I don't find them very attractive. So it was a couple bad mistakes. I felt bad doing it and I was confused at that time, dwelling on my past traumas, plus I was pretty isolated at the time, and I suffer from anxiety which helped me make these couple of bad decisions. After my first visit (before or after cheating, I can't quite remember), I told my partner that sometimes I deal with the fact that I love her but wish I got more partying/sex/etc out of my system when I was even younger... and she responded essentially "I know how you feel, you are a guy and you have instincts, and you are all the way out there, if you meet a girl, just use a condom and don't tell me about it." I thought she was testing me, but we had the convo a couple of times and she stuck to that line. So I sort of believed it. Still, at some point I asked her if she really wouldn't want to know -- she sighed and said "I don't think I could take it." So really I think she put up a front not only to me but to herself. After I was already guilty and knew I wouldn't do it again, she said the "use a condom" line again, and I struck back by being upset because at this point I just thought it was a front. In the coming few months she started to say "you can dance/flirt but promise not to do anything else." And i haven't. So it seems she put up a front, and the fact that she changed her tune as time went on makes me feel bad for ever taking her "use a condom and dont tell me about it" line seriously, but she did say that line with a total straight face (over the phone) and we discussed it civilly. Still I wasn't sure and so I still feel guilty about it. She is very mature, and tends to put things that are in the past in the past, and think about the present and future. And she understands male instincts, and is okay with porn/flirting/dancing with girls. And she specifically told me not to tell her... But I've felt guilty. I love her so much and don't like to think of her as ignorant of anything. And I need to let go of this guilt cause sometimes its too much. At the same time, it seems selfish for me to say something in a sense, maybe I should just deal with the pain, and use it to remind me to be faithful (I'm still attracted to other women, of course, and it feels like something I could be having but am missing out on). But we are supposed to move in together in a few months so I'm not sure if I should say anything. She is really happy with me right now, and I am happy with her. But I feel like its not authentic sometimes -- I want to know she would mean what she says no matter what..... I tell her I'm sorry for looking at other girls and especially that I'm sorry about our "conversations" towards the beginning of the relationship where she helped me think it was okay to let it out of my system. She says "were beyond that" -- so it seems like she thinks that is history and no longer important, but I think she just thinks I'm talking about the conversations themselves, not any possible cheating I could have done. She never probes me about being unfaithful, even in a long distance relationship. If I go out or to a party, she sometimes reminds me to be good to her, and after the party is over, she doesnt ask me about it, and doesnt care about whether or not I danced with girls, etc. I'm not sure if I should say anything, or just figure out a way to justify it all to myself so that I stop feeling guilty about it. Even if I do say something, we might be ok, but I want to move in with her and be happy with her. And I would have to tell her either long distance, or during one of our visits, which is awkward because one person is away from home, and then we would be stuck together until the end of the visit. and It would ruin the visit as well. Please help... sorry for the ramble, but there's a lot of details that are important in my mind.
From what you've said, no matter what you decide, I get the impression that you'll be ok and she'll understand. It sounds like you've found a good one. If you do go ahead, make it in person, and be honest but tactful. Explain that even though she might not like you bringing up the past, you've felt terribly guilty and you love her too much to go forward with any hidden baggage. It's a tricky position you're in. I get that basically your relationship was brand new and it didn't really mean anything, plus she told you she was ok with it as long as you stayed safe and didn't make a fuss about it. Take comfort in the idea that this decision might not be as big as you think. She may well have already guessed. It sounds like she's just eager to move forward, and you clearly care about her. If you need to get it all out in the open before you can be happy, I'd go for it and hope for the best. If you explain like you explained here, she may understand. There will probably be emotion though, so prepare for that.
I don't know about you mate, but if the wife caught me pulling my pants down, with a naked sheila in the bed before me, then till my dying day, I'd swear that I was tempted, but then I thought of her and was just pulling my pants back up when she sprung me. I'm seventy, and been married for 48 years, and it's worked for me mate, a little lie in order to avoid the mental anguish that would accompany the revelation of betrayal, can't be all that bad. Think! What If she has betrayed you, and yet still loves you and wants to be with you, would you want her to reveal the details of her betrayal, or would you rather live in bliss ignorance of her minor indiscretion?
I think you sound genuine. I agree that in the beginning people act like its not serious. But if you wanted to muck around for a bit, why did you start going out with her in the first place? And you said that when you look at women you feel like you're missing out. That's not good. You shouldn't feel like you're missing anything cos your girlfriend should fill that! It's good you're being faithful now, but imo you should tell her. Cos it'll get it off your chest and stop you feeling bad. I'm sure deep down she knows anyway due to your earlier conversations. I think it's better you clear the air and be honest. Don't go into detail though! Cos ew, I wouldn't wanna know. It's a tricky one. But she does have a right to know, cos I'd want to. And like Fingermouse said, prepare for a lot of emotion. It's gonna be tough. Good luck!
Thanks for the replies, you guys are really helpful. It looks like the vote is for me to be honest. But what say you about the fact that she said "dont tell me about it" several times? I think she was being dishonest to herself and me, but she still hasn't probed me or wanted to find out... And I know its bad to be tempted by other women, but I think that's part of the contradiction of being a young man. The contradiction is that I also highly value love and relationships. I'm learning to give up the lust once and for all, its just tough cause I can imagine being with her for the rest of my life, so I have to work to say "so what, dating and sex are now behind me".
Then listen to her, she is happy knowing that you love her and want to be with her more than any other woman. Why paint for her a mental picture of you in the cot with someone else, that she has to look at for the rest of her life?
My money's on she's lying to herself about not wanting to know. It would totally bother her, and she probably assumes you're going to cheat on her anyway and has just given you "permission" to try and avoid having to confront her issues behind it. My sister's into the whole polyamory thing, where you're allowed to have more than one partner. The difference there is everyone is upfront with each other, and ok with being upfront with it. They don't necessarily share all the details, but they're ok knowing about it. If you say your okay with something but don't want to know whether or not it happened, you're not really okay with it. Also, even if you have used condoms all the time, GET TESTED!!!! I've had more than one person I know get herpes (which you can get even with a condom) and chlamydia because of someone cheating on them.
although i agree with the whole idea that actually knowing that your partner has messed around with other people could make what is now a good thing a bad thing, a relationship should be completely honest if it is serious. lies will only feed more lies, you should tell her if you haven't already
no good can come from it, youll just cause pain. spare the pain for your loved one and bury the pain inside you, you did it. its itme for you to pay for it, dont make her pay for it.
It is selfish, especially after so much time you shall not accomplish anything with that other than upsetting her and putting her in a difficult situation where yes she may want to forgive you but whats the reason for causing her extra stress and worries? She has a wish, as you mentioned, not to know about it, so at least respect that. Do not burden her with your guilts, that's your part of the game, your own dues to pay...not hers. I know that what I say does not promote "honesty" but in your case there is no reason to upset her so that you get the burden of yours shoulders and put the burden on hers instead. So yes...better not to say anything, what you did should really burden you and not her.
