Should I tell my Roommate?

I'm debating about whether or not to tell my roommate that I'm gay. We've been friends for 3 years, and we're really close. I have already come out to 5 people but all of them girls. And I'm not sure how he would handle it. It might be awkward cause it's a guy. I feel like his gender will make a difference. I don't have any feelings for him, but I'm concerned that he might take it that way, even if I tell him I don't. Do you guys that have experience with this have any advice? How did your roommates take it?




-p.s. Further complicating matters is the fact that I think he is gay too, but he's so far in the closet it would take a pack of wild horses to drag him out. Mention the word Gay and he puts up his guard. If I'm right I fear that if I tell him it might freak him out cause he will have to deal with issues he'd obviously rather not talk about. Even if I'm the one coming out to him. (And, I really do kinda know...we watch Kathy Griffin together and Real housewives of Atlanta, go antiquing on the weekends, travel to Atlanta to see Musicals when they're in town, and practice cooking [he's my sous-chef].) But again, he very obviously doesn't discuss his own sexuality, so if I come out to him it might scare him in ways I'd rather not...just want you guys's opinion.

 

I think you should tell him. Who knows maybe he already can kinda tell your gay (I mean that with no disrespect). And I think that if you tell him you don't have feelings for him, he'll believe you. You've been friends for 3 years! He'll be able to tell through the honesty of your voice.

Good luck! Have no fear. May peace and love always be with you brother.

 

No, it's fine. I don't particularly try to hide my sexuality except for the fact that my University would expel me for it, but to people I know I think it is (sort of) obvious. The majority of the people I have told (6) have said they they suspected but still thought I was hetero. It's just difficult to broach the subject with a guy you live with. I think I'm gonna do it. I just need to fine the right time. Thanks for the advice.

 

No problem at all dude. But are you serious right now? You'd forsure get kicked out of your College without a doubt? That's disgusting man it makes me sick to see a people so "set" in their ways. Who the hell are they to try to inflict their lifestyle/beliefs upon someone anyway? Why do they just assume that they make the rules on OUR earth. No one has any more rights to Mother Earth then the next person. We're all equal, we share this beautiful world. They need to get with the times, it's a new day. FUCK the old ways of thinking!

But anyway man I honestly think your doing him a favor, and in return doing the right thing. He may not notice it right away, but he will. This shouldn't be an issue, and it's sad people have to worry about how to break this "big news" to their family and friends. One day this will not be the 'norm'. Good luck man! May peace always be with you!

 

Why tell him? When it becomes his business then do. Do strait people tell you they like girls? There's no need in hiding yourself, but equally, no need putting yourself into that situation.

In my experience, I have not lied to anyone, they discovered it themselves. Those (in the past) I have told, handled it worst when I was upfront.

 

Hm, just be yourself, and mention that guys are hot, lol. Loretta, I think sometimes it's more comforting to just let it out. I think you should let him know.

 

Thanks guys! It's just that I'm always straight acting around people here cause, I can't come out officially. But it sucks to lie to people, to not be up-front about who I am. @ Loretta, I understand what you're saying but there's a big difference between a straight guy and a gay guy talking about their sexuality. The reason it isn't a big deal for someone whose straight is that people assume that everyone else is (especially in the south) . Gay's, even flamboyant ones, have to reveal it very obviously (i.e. kiss a guy in public, or walk around singing Liza Minelli) or else it's just taken for granted that you're hetero. And even if people suspect and even if they are sure, they can't just talk about it to you for fear that you are repressed, hiding, etcetera...
And I want to tell Kyle cause we've been friends for nearly 4 years, we do everything together, and it's horrible to lie to him every time something comes up about girls, sex, the future, anything. It's such a terrible feeling to mislead the ones you care about. Whether it's family, or friends. But I don't want to freak him out so what I am asking is there a way that you guys who have experience with coming out to people, especially those of the same gender, have found that works well to allay any awkwardness between you. I don't want to lose him as a friend. But I want to be honest. And while I don't mind him knowing, it concerns me that I might lose him.

 

I don't really have any experience, so I can't really help.

 

I would not worry too much about Kyle. OK, you are friends, and close. But not close enough to talk sex after 4 years of friendship and being roommates for a while. This speaks volumes.

Furthermore, you are NOT interested in him.

I'd simply move on and live my life. Kyle probably knows anyway but sees no reason to touch on the subject. Why would you want to do that?

Get yourself a BF, or start going out and having fun, too. You only live once, and that should really be your focus. Leave Kyle to his problems...

KD

 

Yah, but that's what I don't like. I have been friends with this guy for 4 years, and we have talked about sex. I just lie to him. And no I'm not interested, but that doesn't mean i don't want to invest into a platonic relationship. He's my friend, I guess, my best friend in college. And I'd love to get a Boy Friend, soon as I get outta this homophobic school I will, but that doens't mean I want to leave my friends, the people who have been there for me for the past 4 years, behind just as soon as I go out and party and have sex. This is about being honest with the people I care about and who ostensibly care about me. I was hopping for some advice on how to come out to him in a "non-threatening way" I know there is a billion people out there that I can be friends with. But we are all defined by our relationships and I don't wanna be the type of person who just ignores my problems, runs away from difficult situations, or refuses to acknowledge that as hard as my coming out may be for me it might be just as difficult for those that I'm close to. There is only one Kyle who I've invested in as a friend, who i want to continue to be friends with, and who I am trying to be considerate enough to protect his feelings while being honest with him about who I am. Is that that hard to understand? I know what your saying KD. And at one level I agree with you. If he can't accept me then I should just get over it and move on. I see that. But that is not the goal. The goal is that he does accept me and we continue to be best-friends. That is my focus. I just want to figure out how to do it. Easier said than done.

 

Hey, thanks for clarfying your intentions. I must have gotten you wrong in the first place.

I see two issues here: First, you "guess" that he is your best friend in college. Dude, you ought to know! You can be guessing about the weather tomorrow but MUST know who's your best man in college. Call me old-fashioned, but my best friend and I KNOW where we stand. No doubt about it. Besides, you are really having issues with telling him about your sexuality, since he is possibly a closeted gay guy. Does he also see you as his best friend, but stops short of spilling his beans, too? It kinda totally defeats the idea of being 'best friends' with someone, if you cannot spill your beans with them, and be sure that nothing changes there.

Second off, coming-out is by its very definition a "non-threatning" act. You are telling someone about YOUR sexual orientation. If they feel threatened in any way by that intimate disclosure, that is really only their issue, and no matter what you do, it cannot be yours. There is only one right way for the best friend to react to any personal disclosure good or bad alike: "Dude, is there anything I can do to help?"

This world would be a much better place, if more people were as considerate as you are, when you say that you are trying to protect Kyle's feelings while being honest with him... This is both truly commendable and amazing. Yet, no matter how much you have invested into your friendship with Kyle, you ARE who you are, and Kyle will have to show that he is worthy of your friendship by showing the guts (without any trepidation) to accept you for who you are.

Last but not least, accept the fact that there is no way of putting it without actually saying that you ARE gay. And that no matter how you phrase it and approach it, Kyle will have to accept it, if he, too wants to stay your best friend. Frankly, there is not one single reason for anyone, including Kyle to be threatened by your self-disclosure. It is really only about you and no one else. I am sure that you agree with that...

KD

 

KD has some great points...The world really does need more people like you, who actually give a damn about the ones they care about, to the point where they're struggling over how to disclose a personal characteristic to someone they've known and trusted for four years. I think an important part of the process of coming out/choosing to come out is recognizing that there really isn't a way to completely avoid an awkward situation, unless Kyle is going to be okay with your being gay, which in itself is something that you can't really know unless you bring up the subject. If he is the great friend you expect he is, then he really "shouldn't" have a problem with it. If he's not, then, in my opinion, he probably wasn't as good a friend as you thought he was. It is unfortunate to think about, but it is reality, and reality really sucks!

You are the main reason I joined this forum – you are very much not alone! Since May, I've come out to everyone who matters most in my life, and so far it hasn't been too difficult a road. The only major obstacle has been my decision to tell my best friend, Mike. we've known each other for over thirteen years, and did everything together as kids. We even remained good friends after I moved away some years ago. I felt that I really had no choice but to tell him (out of respect of our friendship, which he valued more than most), once I came to terms with it myself (a process that took quite a few years). The only problem was that he's a super-conservative Catholic, who openly hates homosexuals. I was a bit hesitant, to say the least. But after weighing the odds, I eventually told him, and, it was awkward at first, but he really didn't care...we were friends as it turns out, and nothing changed between us, if not for the better.

If Kyle is the friend you think you have, then I feel it would be worth telling him...but again, you should do what you feel is right, and I know that all of this is easier written than done – take it slow, think it over, and in the end, you can't possibly have done anything wrong! What will happen between you two once you tell him is not something that can likely be changed. But you're in a unique position where your education is at stake, which really does suck. I'd probably be afraid to put something like that out in the open, on the off chance that your friend might have a problem with it, and choose to spread the word. I don't know why society has to make life such a chore for those of us who are a little different from everyone else. I really don't think there's an answer. The world is naturally afraid of true diversity...anything out of the norm, or otherwise "inexplicable," is obviously a threat to everything that has been and existed for the past several hundred years.

I hope this helped...not much advice here, just know you're not alone, and that you are indeed loved. It may be cliché, but there's a reason for that.

RH

 

Thank-you for the advice guys! I do appreciate the time and thought you gave me in posting your responses and helping me reach the right decision. I've come to the conclusion that if I want to keep him as a friend that I do have to tell him. I'm gonna find the moment to do it in the coming weeks, we will see how things progress. He's leaving for a month next tuesday so I might wait till he gets back. It's just unnerving, as you might imagine, to think that it might not work out. It's not a pleasant possibility. But I feel good about my decision.
And thanks RH for going through the trouble of joining the forum just to help me out. Your story gave me a lot of encouragement. If it can work out for you, and your friend had a more difficult background to overcome than Kyle, then it gives me hope that it will work out for me. Religion is such a terrible beast to deal with. I know Kyle isn't a strongly conservative person, but he was raised in that type of environment. I hope things change for the better. I'll let you guys know what happens. Thanks!

-J