Should I even dose again?

I'm not sure where to start other than to bring to the point, this is a not thread to mock FreshDacre's. I actually find myself in a somewhat similar situation, given I do not experience such vivid psychological terrors that he has claimed to, but it is all relative and my issue has had a major impact on my mind, attitude, and how much fulfillment I can and can not get out of life due to all kinds of factors. But I'd be willing to bet he has a significant more amount of acquaintances/friends that he can turn too for comfort and affection, but hell I'm turning to you all for some advice and any input I can get. After all my issue is majorly a social psychological relation problem.

Well I've always been different, considerably introvert, and particularly comfortable with it from some of my oldest of memories as a child. Upon growing through the school system and all other kinds of society/community bullshit I became somewhat self conscious of my looks, such as having big ears and freckles. It became pretty apparent I was looked at and treated differently. None the less, It wasn't something I dread on, and isn't necessarily the main dread of my issue I bring forth today. I had always developed those close best friends relationships with a select few kids. It's just how I am, introvert, and how I prefer to be when it comes down to it.

As far as psychedelics have gone, I've used acid the most, shrooms many times. I've always found them beneficial for my mind, and thus my life. The introduction of weed and acid in my life was like waking up to a new life with a plethora of friends that became close like family. Beyond even that psychedelics eventually became the bringing of the realization of the truth behind reality, through ego death, that we are not really this personal life, but rather just incarnations of consciousness in a fabric of mysteriously systematic occurrences.

I was in the second semester of my first year of college, and I felt like that was the turning point of my life, it brought me to such a blissful state, immune to the bothers of my surrounding circumstance that was increasingly alienating. In a social aspect I was more comfortable being myself around and in front of people, and I had increasingly enjoyable social experiences with the few friends I did have at school. I wouldn't say that this reality was destroyed from myself, instead rather that I entered a more self dissolving, dark, mysterious period towards the end of that school year, I got sick with some sort of respiratory infection that lasted a good month and a half, and I binged heavily on DXM and Tussionex. I still believe to this day that thedissociation brought me to a dark underlying layer of consciousness. It was amazing, but re-emerging was quite destructive to my emotions, I thought my perception of my self amongst the world was destroyed. It wasn't, summer came, the concerts came, I started tripping more frequently, and each trip was new layer of self revealed, and I felt that bliss. But as summer dragged on and the close friend gathering festival of the summer passed, I started to feel depression set in, and realize how alone I was, and how different my life was from its almost Utopian state in high school. Friends weren't just together as more.

The new school year was approaching, I was still using acid about every week, each experience being a new step of my soul, maybe in the wrong direction.. It came really close and about two days before I went to school I had what was my most recent and most mentally impacting trip. It was a good experience, with a couple good friends. But I could tell soon after wards that it seemed a very raw layer of my mind was revealed. Every situation, experience, perception my mind completely wrapped around or it completely manifesting within my mind. I started school off with a pretty good attitude from this, and whatever social situations I came in with acquaintances and friends of last year, felt good, as there was very little self conscious division.

Despite, I was in a new but somewhat familiar landscape, but without my very close friend I made the previous year (he dropped out), it started to become apparent I was alone and isolated, and the friends I had last year were across campus this year, and with only seeing them during the school day and week, we don't do anything anymore.

That's not even the issue with my head, It's just a mention I don't get the outlet I used to. What became a significant issue was how alone and isolated I felt, especially during the school day around other kids. The rawness of my mind soon turned against me, and I was(am) seriously affected by the isolation of my differences from those around me, and soon every look and stare I got from anyone, especially girls, was an irritant upon my soul. I developed such a negative attitude towards everyone as opposed to the indifferent bliss of the past. I began to desire to express my disgust with everyone through reflecting dirty looks back at them, and in some cases I have flipped people off. The extent of the effect of this has been a somewhat bipolar state, a cycling of blissful indifference that I used to be so in tune with a communion with the energies of the natural world and a state of downward spiraling negativity, anger and/or tearfulness to the point I have been so deluded into completely deciding suicide as a future plan, triggered by the friction of certain social situations, in many cases the obvious dishonesty of people. I vary so much in this, that I decide so intently that people are not worth the bother and that I am liberated by that idea, to being trapped in their world of isolating those that are different.

In the past month and a half, I have turned again to opiates that I had previously during states of depression had abuse issues with. I mean I really enjoy opiates regardless of depression or not, and I did not consciously think "I am depressed, lets fucking hit the shit" It just came about and probably through depressed states my rate of use increased and for the past few weeks I had been entirely dependent on opiates, until I reached a state of total disgustingness of mind and body, I slowed down a little bit, had some sort of spiritual revelation, and then finally in the past few days had completely run out for the time being (I will probably use again this weekend, yeah I will). Coming out of the binge was in effect just like coming out of the last acid trip, I can once again feel how raw my mind is, and It has become pretty clear psychedelics have had quite the lasting effect on my mind. Today I hit a very strong state of downward spiraling triggered by social differences and friction but came back to some sort of neutral state that felt like I was still on opiates, into a sort of euphoric energy in my religion class, into a sort of crash that I speak to you from now.

Now in relation with Acid, and the main question of my thread (Although I would appreciate any thoughts about what I expressed), would I maybe benefit from tripping again soon? My friend back home invited me too with him, I told him I wasn't going to have a good set and that it might better be left for a time when I have a break from school. I have put off tripping for two months now, including me selling the three really good hits I was saving.

But still I wonder... could taking acid again complete some sort of cycle I am stuck in? Should I be taking a higher dose in this case?..or would that just do more damage? I know I have come out of shitty periods before with the help of acid. Should I not even take acid with such kind of expectations? (My ONE trustworthy friend in classes at school said such expectations don't really work out, and I mean that makes so much sense, but the part of me that wanted to spend my money on opiates is what agreed.)

I mean it's stupid for me to answer my own question, but I think the best choice would be thanksgiving break from school, where I am not freshly effected by social energies at school.

Another point I'd like to raise is maybe much of my mental issues could be due to my daily usage of weed. Smoke two bowls at separate times in the evening, and commonly take melatonin and valerian powder to help sleep. Which is another thing, I have terrible sleeping habbits, especially coming out of this opiate binge. I stay up late high, and have hell of a time getting up in the morning.

One thing is for sure, there will be no change of people, I will always be treated and looked at differently, the fact that no one makes attempts to make my acquaintance will never change. If I desire to expand socially I have to do all of the engaging, this is particularly tough for finding an intimate relationship. I mean these are all relative and true aspects of my life, but what I'd like to change is how I deal with it.

Please and thank you folks.

 

My suggestion is to stop doing any type of drugs, acid, weed, alcohol,opiates, anything for at least 3 months and then see how you are doing emotionally. How the hell can you even begin to try to get a handle on your life and emotions if you don't even give yourself the opportunity to experience YOU without any drugs in your system. I Know it is hard at first, but after about 4 weeks it is very easy to stay clean. Saying you held off doing acid for about two months, thats nothing.
All you young adults are so often trapped in the "do it all now, for tomorrow we die" mentality that you never really stop and slow down enough to really get to know yourself.
I have only really learned the major life altering lessons from psychedelics after spending years sober and only using weed occasionally.

Seriously, from my personal experience, daily weed use can have an overall negative effect, and I don't even become fully aware of that negative effect until I haven't smoked any for 3-4 weeks.
So try to give yourself a break from getting high for at least 6 weeks and see if your mood and outlook doesn't improve. It's all about balance.

 

I know that is good sound advice. Will I follow it...maybe, maybe not, probably not right away, depends on how bad things get. And I've experienced me in recent times, I'm saying I cycle so much between that person and something completely different. There is a lot I left out and it's still a huge post, It's hard to explain exactly all the dimensions....

 

I went through the same kind of thing that you guys are goin through. Had a horrible trip, and it had a huge negative impact on my psyche. I too, started to question things like you guys are....

In my opinion, this is not good advice. For me at least. Marijuana is wonderful, and it is like the perfect thing for healing. The only thing you should "chill" on is the psyches, and I dont mean STOP them, I just mean do it less frequently. Increasing dose is good for the next trip, but do not increase frequency. Practice meditation and keep trucking. You are growing, and from my experience, it is normal for a psychedelic user to encounter this crisis at some point.





You got caught up in something, it takes time to break free and let go. Takes seconds for some, years for others.

 

I agree with prone for the most part.

However, if you are questioning any of your drug habits...well...that says something doesn't it?

 

It does, but marijuana is sort of like my anti depressant. I've tried not smoking weed, and I became overwhelmed with anxieties, I felt far more mentally unstable. But maybe my mind was just sensitive, and perhaps it was a good sensitive.

 

If I have been smoking regurarly and stop, the first couple of days are ok, then I get hit with about a week of MAJOR anxiety and depression, followed by roughly a week of moodiness. But after about three weeks it's almost as if a light goes on and I'm completely different. That is why I say to stop everything for AT LEAST 4-6 weeks to really get an idea of what your "baseline" is.
I know some of you may not agree with me, but that is based on over 30 years of smoking weed.

 

minus all the weeks you took off
i could seriously stand to follow your advice though, PB. i smoke too much.

planthead, i'm not sure if you should dose again or not. would you care to go more in depth about the flipping off incident?

i've never been very good at making friends either. in college i made fake ones by selling weed. but i still had a select few real friends. it's just like you said, you have to just go meet new people (if you want). joining a club of some type at your school?

i always thought you seemed like a good dude.

 

I lost all my friends due to LSd sadly, but obviously they weren't real friends. The only friends I talk to now are the ones that used to and still do trip...which is like 3 people lol.

 

You ARE a good dude Porkstock, in what I sense from your posts, and I'm sorry for taking a somewhat frustrated stance with what you said. But do you think it's as simple as "I thought you were a good dude"?.... Just being a good dude? And how just joining clubs is missing the point. Of course I could meet people in new clubs, but I'm an introvert in the first place, those kinds of things have never been my fancy. I've been part of all sorts of programs throughout my life and know how unnatural it feels for me. If you learn about introversion, that's a completely normal thing, and not any sign of behavioral or mental issues. What isn't normal is the effect of that type of personality being in contradiction of what is cultivated and perceived as normal personality and behavior in our society. The effect on me, plus the aesthetic aspect of me contributing an exponential increased amount of separation between the folk and me. Start with, I'm an introvert and prefer not to be the center of any attention, and include, how differently I am viewed for my looks thus becoming the object of attention from multiple people around me in really any environment. I am glanced at to intensely viewed at times, but I will not make the leap to assume it's all negative judgment because for girls it's an attraction as well as fascination with my perceived strangeness, and I have been led to believe it WAS negative in many occasions. Regardless, it's not something I appreciate, and can be down right upsetting at times. It has never been polite or friendly to stare. In this as it relates to socialization and communication situations there is a pretty heavy facade that occurs.

I will present that I am aware, it's not correct to blame everyone but myself, and I don't. It certainly is a sort of vicious cycle, with a developed attitude. It certainly is to some extent a case of projection, and I'm sure in my negative states I don't make myself a good candidate for friendly outreach. Also I know that there are many people who are very intelligent, recognize my difference, and are clearly considerate and friendly towards me, but that itself makes me feel uncomfortable at times. And to some people, I'm just plain standard.

But as far as the flipping off, it is in the occurrence of catching someone staring at me, especially if there at a distance further rather than closer. I won't say that and other reactions are right, but I do contend that it is wrong for those individuals to direct at me like that. I'm not assertive about my flipping off, and I also many times mumble things as I walk by someone looking at me, or mouth things like "fuck off". But as I said I'm not assertive, pretty cowardly about it, I couldn't look someone in the eye and direct myself directly at them to address the issue.

I can elaborate a lot more, and make some sort of conclusion, but I'm getting tired, and I'm not sure even the worth or point into taking the time to express these things.

I hope whoever reads this can understand it, I know many probably wont, at least in entirety. And there wont be much response, but what can I really ask for, there is an excess of people who express personal issues for advice. I certainly hope that people don't assert that I am making most of it up, that I am full of shit, because I will directly bring up the reason for my banning in the past.

Extra piece on my banning as a result of this subject:
It was a Journal post directly on the matter I expressed in THIS post. It was out of inebriated anger with my life, and it presented this concern the worse way possible, with cursing, blaming everyone but myself. Well in as accurate of memory as possible I used words similar to "I am treated unfairly because I am attractive" That was a pretty easy call for criticism especially on hipforums, and the post above may be as well. I will mention a person of high position on the boards, was the forthright objector, and the otherside on what would become a conflict. I can not exactly put it how he did, but in general I was as he saw it full of myself, making it up, delusional, and seriously wrong about it all. I was reactionary to this, clearly offended, and I'm sure I made an aggressive stance but I tried to be as honest as possible, fair as possible in trying to re explain the issue. Again I was explained as delusional, full of myself, with all my explanations of the good I was aware of, as a dishonest facade of a misrepresentation. The result was being offended and ranting my ass off with whatever rebuttal, which gave way to another heavy criticism of me. The cycle repeated FOREVER, totaling 14 pages of argument which developed into a criticizing of my inability to step back from the argument, and my reactionary behavior, until I finally reacted with direct slandering of his personality, resulting in a ban.
I actually hope the mod is around, and happens to come across this here post and this here block of text, because it would be nice to still let him know those lies are a still a problem in my life. To let him know that it was upsetting to have one of the only people on HF that I looked up to and appreciated their ideas enormously rip away the truth to my situation, and to see him make major assumptions about me in regards to my flaws. You were right about many things Sir, I was reacting in a ineffective way, and was sometimes behavior I resorted to, but you need to know that I know, quite clearly without delusion, the circumstances surrounding my existence in our modern society.

 

i can relate to everything you've said. except the flipping people off or mumbling something if i think they're staring at me. because 1) i'd be too scared to do that. the most i'd have courage to do would be to make a dirty look back. but 2) what if it is only PERCEIVED negativity, and a girl was just checking you out? or fuck it, what if they are just thinking "damn, that dude looks funny"? it doesn't really matter that much. if they want to be that shallow then they aren't worth the worry. there are plenty of people in this society that can get by the fact that everyone's not super attractive, and there are lots of unattractive people who get by just fine. and to be honest, i've seen pictures of you (and i think in real life once). you look quite normal to me. and from reading your posts, i thought about coming over and saying "what's up?" but i was a bit nervous since i was alone and you had a couple friends with you.
it might seem like i'm just rambling, but i'm just trying to get across the point that you aren't the only one that can feel like this. and although it is the truth that your situation is bad, it's only bad because of your reaction to it. somehow you need to realize it's actually not that big of a deal. sorry if i've offended you man.

 

Yeah you're totally right about all of that. No you didn't really offend me in the first place, I just thought you weren't getting the whole picture. And yeah I don't expect people like you to think I look odd, I know people especially HF are a lot more open to what is normal. Back in Rochester, it's not that bad at all, there are a lot of strange looking people as you know. But where I go to school out in the Country with conservative kids and other people from small town not exposed to many differences it's a lot more recognizable.

 

and if you remember how I talked about the blissful period of my life, it wasn't a problem in my mind at all because as you said it's not a big deal. And I enjoy when an attractive girl checks me out, I just only wish half of it wasn't because I was different from them, and that they'd want to get something from me as to move them to reach out to me.

 

I have hurt many people because I was filled with negativity when they tried to approach me and i gave them only an opaque wall of self-hatred, anxiety, and closed-mindedness. It tortures me, the memory of all these people (mostly girls just trying to get to know me, how terrible ), going through their day, taking a chance to get to know someone they are interested in for whatever reason, only to have that someone act like a stupid evil asshole. And that someone is, like you Plant, someone who considers themselves in tune with the cosmos and cares about reality and harmony and all that good jazz. You know how many threesomes I've lost out on dude? How many beautiful starry eyed honeys have walked away with their feelings hurt and their self-image possibly forever tinted. This will forever haunt me. I don't want to let regret be my engine of change because I find when I focus on the failures as a means to change myself I just go deeper and deeper into self-hate. I find actually the best way to break out of the habit of being a wall to other people is to forget your past, take each moment anew, discard the illusion that you are fundamentally different from others.

You have had some experiences which are somewhat rare, but equivalent experiences abound. You would be surprised at how deeply someone can be on your level without having ever heard of LSD or your entire world. It's amazing the unity of human experience. It comes down to taking a chance, not starting off with presumptions, assumptions. Don't judge them by their language, by their clothing. You are always being judged in this way by others and won't even know it necessarily, don't repeat the process. If you are really a deep dude who's seen the OM then you should embody it, be unconditional love.

Who are you telling to fuck off when you mumble it to a stranger? Atman? Lol. Look into it. Forgive yourself. I hope you can because I'm trying hard for myself. I hope we both succeed. You're not alone though, many feel this way. Take solace in that too, maybe that person you are being cold to is trying for the first time to open up to someone just like you should be. Don't crush THEIR experiment smile smile smile. keep your baggage to yourself, don't spill it out onto the world and have them deal with the shockwaves and repurcussions. It's about going back to basics, to the fundamentals of human-human interaction, which is really self-self interaction. discard notions, regress strategically. sometimes we learn bad ideas.

and the most important piece of advice i can give you : love yourself

 

great post^...i enjoyed reading that.

Writer, i always see you as a guy that's got it all figured out. So it deepens my perspective to see that you battle with shit that we all battle with. Especially regarding oneness.

 

Yeah, epic post Writer.

Plant it seems like youve kind of got your shit going a certain way. if you arent happy about something you're doing, just try to actively change it.

 

I am too busy to completely get into your post Writer, but I can't wait to do so. But lets make it clear I'm not one thing and another, I'm one thing or another. I'm either without mind of negativity, am friendly no matter what, or terribly guilty of my own prejudice, and the latter is my problem. So by no way am I someone who sees the OM, just in case that doesn't seem clear.

 

I'm a small person. It is the application of the figured-out I mostly struggle with. I've been given the recipe for the best dish, but I'm struggling with my cooking skills. All part of growth.

^ plant im the same, waving between hating myself and being stupid to having days of clarity and warmth and openness. again i think this is common, not "bipolar" but merely behavior/understanding manifesting in waves like all reality does.

by "seeing the om" i just meant you've been to places, psychedelia, ego death, you know what's behind the curtain to some degree. now the application.

 

from my experience, the closer you can get to sobriety the better. lsd is a learning tool, be careful how you use it!

i've done my share of opiates, and well they are very addicting. using them for extended periods is generally going to cause you more trouble.

smoking weed can be beneficial at times, but overall smoking on a daily basis is just going to dull your conscience. which is why smoking tons of weed can be great for helping to cope, because it dulls your conscience. but if you want to face the world and your self head on, then you best stop smoking.

i'd love to elaborate more but i need to go. will be back on this topic later for sure!

 

Okay Writer, I'm really reading your post, I'll address things as they come.

- I have never had the opportunity of having many people approach me or the few that have met me through occasion even try to get to know me after they have met me. And had absolutely no girls engage their interest. In fact it's quite to the contrary, yeah I've never been good with confidence in approaching people, but that isn't to say I haven't tried, and perhaps the reason it only got worse. I even made post about the event back in 2006 or 7. I noticed a cute girl in the hallways at High School, she seemed very interesting and hip. I was so sure she had seen me before and we had made eye contact many times so one day I just couldn't stand walking by, so I stopped when she was at her locker, Introduced mysellf and asked her her name.....and WOW, Was I rejected, I was ripped in a million fucking pieces, she was offended by my decision, accused me of stalking her, said she's never seen me before, and eventually ran to class!! It sucked so bad man, Imagine being worrisome in the first place about the result, but have confidence it's for the best thing, and you would be welcomed, and then the worst scenario playing out instead. I'm sure I could find the thread if anyone cares, SoaringEagle said I had asbergers, but it became a huge thread with so many different opinions, but a lot saying she was right, I'm a creep. In short, you may have missed out on threesomes, but I haven't even missed out on sex, because I've never been in the situation with anyone.

The relationships I have had, one was with a girl in California I met on HipChat, that turned disastrous a week after we had a wonderful weekend together, and an even worst disaster of meeting someone through a friend that was absolutely not my type, made me feel like shit for being a virgin at 17, an obnoxious attention horder that eventually had possesive issues with me and became botheringly overly infatuated with me that couldn't take just being friends.

And your advice at the end of the first paragraph is good but not easy, practically impossible for me in a never ending cycle. I am only an opaque wall of self hatred and whatever you said because when I have been happy and myself, people still stayed away from me. My parents always told me when I was younger it's because I don't smile... well.. I wouldn't usual smile without communicating with someone, but I wasn't frowning..It's just how my normal face is. And still anyone could see how I do interact with people given the chance, I can't help but smile. I have a smile and laughing problem when I'm talking with someone. That truth makes no difference.

I don't feel fundamentally different from others, besides in the sense of having an unusual load of anger and frustration at certain times, and that is the problem, it seems everyone else doesn't understand I'm not fundamentally different. I should have mentioned it because I realize this: "One doesn't look at you in funny ways if they consider me fundamentally similar as another person" I'm like a visible ghost.

I would love to be unconditional love, but I can only give what I get, and it's not that I don't give goodness, it's because it's not recognized from me. I do wonder if people could really feel the way we are all connected, because they assume they are not connected to me.

I realize I am telling Atman to fuck off, and that's why it's so tough, I can not change who I am in this world, in the purest and physical sense.

Your conclusion really does touch me and speaks of the truth. But it really doesn't matter because I'm not given the many opportunities of interaction. The main problem is, people stay away from me, and I will reiterate, that they stay away from me even and maybe even especially on the days I am mostly my true self, and in tune with simple joy. And as I said earlier, it has much to do with me being truly introvert in nature, and I think by your assessment Writer the idea is we are only truly extrovert. That if I am to get over myself I'd have those qualities, and not of the introvert.

It's annoying to put all these words with what is more a feeling I get in social surroundings because it is true that people only stay away from me no matter how open I am capable of being.