should baby hold together a reltionship that just isn't there anymore?

I'm feeling stuck and not in love anymore with my fiancee. We have a daughter together who just turned one and I am just completely confused about what I should do. I want to be the best example for her, but I really don't think that means I should teach her to marry someone she's not in love with. Things were fine for awhile, but then he screwed up real bad by relapsing (meth and coke) and a number of other, smaller things. He wanted another chance, and I gave him one, and things are ok, but I just am not feeling it anymore. I don't want a relationship that's "just ok". Is or has anyone else been in this kind of predicament and could help some?

 

NO, you should not stay with him just because you have a child together.

Peace and love

 

most kids woul rather come from a broken home than be in one
my folks split when i was 2 and i turned out just fine

 

I completely agree with the Allonym (whatever that name means?)

IT'S ABOUT THE KID NOW - USE YOUR COMMON SENSE AND DECIDE WHAT'S BEST FOR THE CHILD! - simple as that. You'll do WHAT IS RIGHT. I hope...

 

I also think it would be wrong to stay with him.

Children often grow up thinking mother and father are one unit. At a stage, when they notice they are no longer this unit, they suffer from this experience. Society could prevent this "shock", by regarding couples in a happy long-term relationship as the absolute rarity, whereas the temporary relationship should be regarded as the standard.

If the children can still rely on the love and support of both mother and father after they have split, the traumatization of the child might be minimized.

 

I know, I know. It's a lot harder than you think. I know what I need to do. And I know I will do it.

I think I will write him a letter first, telling him how I feel. That way we can't get in an argument before I even get half of my words out. and I'll go from there.

 

This is also an issue. He's told me before that if I left him he would either kill himself or leave town forever, both of which are indicators of his immaturity and big signs that I shouldn't be with him anyways. I just would hate to see Abryn lose her dad like that.

What I have to get over is my feeling of responsibility for HIS actions. I have to reassure myself that, whatever he does, however he reacts, it is NOT my fault.

 

You should do what is best for your child and yourself. Staying with an unstable person is not the best thing for either of you. Always remember, a partner should enhance your life, not bring it down, and he sounds like a downer.

Peace and love

 

Yes, I think that is very important for you and your daughter!

 

He's trying to make you feel bad for what he will do. Honey, it's not your fault. If he wants to act a fool, let him. Abryn is better off with no daddy than one that is more immature than she is. He'll kill himself if you leave him? That's him trying to trap you and keep you with him. You nor Abryn need that kind of attitude in your life. She needs positive influence, and reading your past posts, you can be that influence. Her dad will just counter that with a negative influence.
I think the letter is a good thing. If your guy is anything like mine, he likes to interupt during an argument and you get 2 words out and nothing accomplished. Lol.
But, don't let Abryn keep you together! Get out now while she's still too young to go through that "It's my fault they're not together" stage. I went through that, and it wasn't fun.

 

agreed completely, minus teh going through self-blame bit... like i said, i was 2 when my parents split and everythigns hunkydory. hell, my dad even lives 2 hours norht of me, and id visit every other weekend and most of the summer. even him living in another city, your kiddo can still see him (if he wants it of course), though its a bit of a logistics nightmare sometimes

oh and to whoever was asking about my n ame: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/allonym

 

I think you even agree with her on that without realizing it. You were only two so you can't remember your parents splitting up, right? She's saying to take advantage of the lack of memory during young age to avoid that self-blame that could come if the child is older during the split.

And I have to say, I agree with what everyone has posted already. If your child can't remember a time when mom and dad weren't together then there won't be any painful mourning period for her if you choose to split up a few years down the road. So if you think eventual breakup is inevitable, you should do it while she's young.

I know this was way too wordy and just regurgitated what everyone else said, so sorry, (blame the beer).

 

maybe the phrase "till death do you part" should not be used anymore in wedding vows

since 50% of the time it is broken.

 

It would be nice if you could work things out, but since the world isn't perfect you may have to end the relationship (and it sounds like you already knew that). The longer you wait the harder it is for everyone, especially your daughter. At a year old she is pretty resilient and will be fine, especially if you surround her with people that love her.

The other option is to get into couples counseling and see if you can mend what's broken. Couldn't hurt to try, and it may help you in future relationships.

Best of luck....

 

if you don't love him do yourself and your daughter a favor and get rid of this guy.why would u want to put your life and your daughters life at risk for such things as abuse, neglect, drug use and basic irrisponsibility. just because you don't love him doesn't mean your daughter can't love him or he can't love his daughter.and as far as the suicide thing is concerned he's trying to control you and i wouldn't want to be with a man who has no regard for anyone else's life but his own.he has a dauhgter to live for now so i 'd drop him quick.

 

Sweetie, that's what engagements are FOR! It's kind of a trial period before the marriage when you're absolutely commited to the other, and GOING to be married... IF everything turns out the way you'd thought it would.

You're not married yet, so you're not breaking any vows. You have a child together, but if he's having relapses now... what's to stop him from backsliding when you're married too? I'd be terribly worried about raising a child in a home where the parents aren't in love/agreement with each other. Honestly, if it were me I'd break it off now BEFORE the wedding.

(((((((((hugs!!!)))))))))

 

well tammeee..you know what you gotta do...sounds like you are still making excuses - a bit afraid aye ?...that's ok but the longer you stay in, the more excuses you gotta make for the whole thing and instead of basing your life on truth you are basing it on 1 excuse after another.

When we know what to do and do not do it - we generally get a kick in the ass - which becomes a bigger and harder 1 the more we procrastinate

This is yours and by your actions you will be drawing to yourself the future you must face -to thine own Self be True.

Blessings along your Way....Ahhh the lessons we learn ! Learn well and don't repeat

Namaste

 

Something about that statistic I learned in psychology class...

the reason it is soooo high is because of the people who divorce and then dicvorce again and again. Most people initially going into marriage will stay together. It's just those repeat offenders that make it sound like half of us are surely doomed.

 

There is no way I would have someone around my kids that was threatening suicide for any reason.