raping god, extremely humbled ***~please read~***

i am just coming off of a "true" salvia experience, and let me tell you, up to this point i have been nothing but a fucking megalomaniac. i knew absolutely nothing. i had remembered only the tiny outer fringes of my experiences. i had no fucking clue. i feel extremely humbled, and hopefully i will be able to stay this way, and not be such a condescending jackass piece of shit from now on. this is what i just wrote, i'm adding more to it as i go over it. i know it is long, but i would really absolutely adore anyone who took the time to read it and share their thoughts...:

inanimate things are inanimate because they are too polite to be animate. animate things destroy inanimate things just by their movement, by their existence and their nature, and inanimate things don't, so they don't get the bad karma that we animate beings get just by moving. we think we're the only thing living, the only conscious entity, but really EVERYTHING is a conscious entity, and all we do is create the illusion of seperateness. and that's a literal thing. it's happening right now. the computer screen, everything you see, it's just being, and you're just fucking it up. everything we percieve in normal reality is a complete illusion, we mold it to be what we want it to be by our will alone, and in doing so we show a complete lack of respect for the wholeness of the things that exist outside of us. but we don't feel their resistence or pain because we are so caught in the illusion. nothing exists outside of our direct perception. nothing makes sense, "making sense" is just a persistent hallucination. we create sense where there is none. we can never know the truth because we have bodies. and bodies cause pain to everything they come in contact with. every movement you make is telling the Allness "no!" and forcing your will upon it. You are where You think you are. and you think you are in a thing, a body, you think that is you. why do we think that the ancient people got it right with their religions and rituals? why do we trust anyone? everyone is just making everything up. something is only proven as real because there is a strong enough will for it to assert itself. when you look, that's all there is. when you're not looking, it is not there. the three dimensions are an illusion, they are a hallucination, there is only one dimension. one thing i remember is i was trying to tell myself, no, this is not fun, remember that this is really unpleasant no matter how comfortable you think you are. it's all quickly dissolving and i have to try to remember the things i wanted to remember. everything is just a painting, there are no dimensions. there is no depth. it's just colors.





now i'm pretty much back to sobriety but i am PROFOUNDLY affected by this experience. i know for a fact that i have gotten to this level before, but i did not remember it. now i feel a little sad. i was listening to sanskrit mantras when i was tripping, i thought it might have an interesting effect... but the sound just became another entity that i was hurting. there was no meaning to the words, no meaning to what they represent, any meaning i projected was just another way i was inflicting pain on the universe. it's like, when i came up on the salvia, i saw what i feel like might be what is truthfully always going on... everything was like a painting, and it wanted to meld into one big mass of colors, but then there i was, and i was saying "no, here is my arm, and here is the chair, and there is the floor, there is a bed over there".

what it felt like, is i felt like i was raping god. to be perfectly honest, i cannot describe the feeling any more accurately. like, there was this perfect, complete truth, and i was pushing it, forcing myself inside it, and it was resisting, but i killed it and raped it and destroyed it. and i know i am doing it right now. i can't help it. i can't stop it. just by existing, i am defiling and desecrating god.

one of the first things i noticed when i came back was language... it's like this magical shared delusion... i don't know what to make of it, it seems so beautiful and elegant and celestial... we worship it, we live inside of it, it is us... and i have this little bag, filled with salvia divinorum extract... a portal to some other dimension... it's all just so confusing, i don't understand anything. i feel guilt for everything i have done as far back as i can remember, and i feel like the biggest idiot. i don't know why i have to constantly be causing pain, i don't know what i am supposed to do. i feel selfish, i'm tripping around space raping the universe because i want love for myself. everything i have ever done has been hedonistic.


okay, i'm gonna stop now. my mind has been officially blown further off of it's hinges than i can remember.

just a little... i don't know, extra information. i have smoked salvia extract many, many, many times. the closest revelation i have had before this, was that everything has a consciousness, and identity, and that nothing has meaning other than what we give it. that we have the power to change what things mean, which changes what they are, because without us there's just a bunch of atoms. i have done lsd a handful of times, and had one total ego death experience in the floating-through-hyperspace sense and another in the still-being-in-this-dimension-but-killing-the-ego sense. i've done mushrooms a few times. ecstasy quite a few times, had one experience mixing pills where i had the opportunity to go *all the way*(which i thought would have ended up with me having psychokinesis) but didn't because i was losing the ability to communicate in a way that made sense, everything i was saying was being taken at a much lower level of meaning than i'd intended. i've had lots of lovely melting into the grass riding the love wave trips... and up until tonight i thought i was gaining a pretty good grasp on what my purpose in the universe was... essentially, to love...

now... i am just so confused. i know i was tripping... i just don't know what i believe...

 

I could reply with some thoughts about this topic and possibly share some of my experiences- I too think about this all the time, often having moments of profound understanding which are then pushed away and contradicted by the sober mind. But in the end, and in my opinion- this ancient chinese text holds the most "real" truths of the mind and the universe. http://www.religiousworlds.com/taoism/ttcmerel.html

 

thank you.

i'm feeling better now but the tao te ching is exactly what i needed to be reminded of. this is a really nice version. i really appreciate it. thank you.

 

Im glad I could help. The tao is what I read when I loose sight and become confused, high or sober.
It seems like you had an educational experience as well as a mindblowing trip. I particualy liked the first paragraph, and the part where you taked about language as a source of knoledge- compared to knoledge obtained from salvia.. anyways thats how I interpereted it, it made me think, and it was well written too.

Ive been thinking about trying salvia recently, perhaps il give it a go.

 

salvia can become an important tool and will probably affect you deeply if you choose to use it. i don't know what end it is a means to but i know it has taught me a lot...

the thing about this last trip is, it was so real. it felt like the realest thing there could be. and the contrast between the salviaspace i went to and the concept of language... it was so weird to be thrown from a place of zero communication (because there was no relativity other than what i was forcing into existence) to the matrix of language, which is this tool of communication that is transcendental to time and space (we're still reading shakespeare)...

i've been thinking about it and it felt like a literal other dimension, like i actually went to Flatland. so if it is the truth, so is this, and so is something far beyond this. but flatland was not a fun place to be, so i'm gonna try to go up rather than down.

oh. and when i first came back, i felt disgusted with myself and guilty and i actually considered never eating or drinking water again, i even considered never moving because the guilt was so bad. but then i realized, it's not the actual act of movement that hurts the entities in flatland, but forcing a consciousness of seperation on them. i think if i could go to that other dimension and stay for a few hours instead of a few minutes, the entities would evolve, just a little... and it wouldn't hurt as much. and everything is always moving, at the same time that nothing is moving... that whole infinity deal where if it's all and everything it's also none and nothing.... and then consciousness is just a tool.... or something.

anyway, i'm buying the book flatland .

 

"i've been thinking about it and it felt like a literal other dimension, like i actually went to Flatland. so if it is the truth, so is this, and so is something far beyond this. but flatland was not a fun place to be, so i'm gonna try to go up rather than down."

Well, I won't try to force any of my ideas on you, but these experiences can't - and really, shouldn't - be all positive, sunny, and funny. These bad, or, rather, serious trips, can teach you a lot. Of course, I can't reallytalk, since I haven't had one, but that's just my idea.

 

take care sweet one. what you call god in your writing is a convenient term for the presence in which you live and move and have your being. you would not exist, nor be able to take salvia, nor write your words, nor experience the computer screen, if it were not for that very "being" you became aware of. it is not a spirit or a space or a place - it defies description or understanding, yet it can be glimpsed - as you may well have done. there was no rape - only perhaps, for a while, a misted view. if you have seen clearly, you will know every breath is a gift, and every day is a chance to love this mysterious life and be gentle - with yourself, and with what seems to be "others". much love to you

 

Lol yeah i have had the "raping god experience" like 5 times now.

 

I have experienced this many times. It is always a different experience for me. Whatever kind of experience is, it goes deep down inside for a thorough trip in my mind's own little world. Thanks for posting, I really enjoyed the read!