Questions about love and sex

I need some insight on a couple of things. A lot of you know the situation I'm in with my boyfriend, and how we really don't get a long and stuff. So anyway, I've been putting off having sex with him for like a whole month. Just telling him I'm too tired, or stoned, or whatever. But this morning before he went to work I sort of felt like it since I hadn't done anything to myself either for this whole month and needed something. So we had okay sex. Nothing special. No kissing or anything. But I still have the same feelings about him that I had before, and sex didn't renew it like it has in the past. Usually sex helps me to feel better about him, and have more passion/lust, whatever, but I honestly don't think the love is there. Plus I'm not really attracted to him anymore either.

So I guess I want to know if you have to be attracted to someone in order to love them, and to have a lasting relationship. I know that we're mostly together because of Jade, and because we're pretty much both free to do what we want. I get the homemaker lifestyle I want, and he get's to work and party when he comes home without me complaining too much. As long as I get to have my pot and a little bit of free time in the evenings.

I've been wearing an expensive diamond ring for 3 years now, and I don't want to marry him, but he wants to marry me. He's just unwilling to see reality. He's a lot older than I am, but very immature. I want someone stable who makes me feel safe. Or some young fuck buddy that I can hang out with and have loads of irresponsible fun with.

Does sexual attraction really matter?
Do you have to love someone to stay together?
Should I stay for the kid?

Thanks for reading guys.

 

sexual attraction doesnt really matter to me i look for quality in a female because the last girl i was with was real sexy but fucked me over big time and basically ruined it for most girls.as a matterfact its hard for me to talk to girls because in the back of mind i think horriable of them, just because ive lost all trust.It was even hard to have sex with other girls cause im not the kinda guy to fuck and dip but after her thats how most my relationships where..and mentally i couldnt get into it alot.all because of one fucking girl.as for the kid i use to belive in sticking together for children but domestic violence is horriable ive went throught it for some time with dad and step dad

 

hmn now thats a decision only you can make, only advice can be dispersed.

anyway, this is exactly why i personally dont want to have children, i fear ill eventually get bored with the mother, and will not be able to tie a knot and move on.

think it through, think of the benefits each way, think of the lifestyle each way, think about everything < and tehen try to decide.
and contrary to what people believe, parents splitting up isnt a big deal at a young age, its when your more mature and you depend on both your parents that it hurts the most. so if you can support yourself and the child perfectly well then maybe it would be ok. i dont know, you seem like an awesome woman, im pretty sure you could do a great job raising singlehandedly....

but then again who am i? just a 16 year old guy with no experience, just ideas.

=)

 

Well there isn't any violence between us. He does have a rage problem, and he gets very very mad at me for a lot of stupid crap which will escelate into a big fight for no reason. He used to be sort of verbally and emotionally abusive. But when I stopped loving him so much I stopped caring what he said to me. Now I just tell him to fuck off and he storms outside. So I've learned to be careful with what I say cause I really don't feel like patching any more holes in the house. Even throwing his beer outside will get something of mine broken. So I guess all of that bull shit has made me lose a lot of my love for him. Because I don't want to deal with it.

 

But your ideas are great!

That's probably my biggest issue. I have NO money of my own, and no where to go besides my parent's house. And believe me they would be more than happy to have me move home, but it would be too hard now. I have years of living on my own's stuff! 2 cats, one of which has feline aids that can spread to my mom's 5 cats, and a lifestyle that is not in sync with my parent's. That's one of the reasons why I stay so that I won't have to go back home. Since I've usually just jumped from men to men without establishing my own independence.

 

It sounds to me like your best option is to split apart. But that is a total life style change and you have to be mentally ready for it. I moved six times and struggled since November of last year when I broke up with my sons mother, and only in the past 2 months have I found my own, solid home. Be ready to suffer, but peace of mind is worth far more than any material comfort or relationship based on conveniance alone. Good luck Jade.
Peace -

 

domestic violence also means verbal.but i deffinatly fall in to the line above "im just a 17 year old kid with no experiance" but some people listen to me. since i was 12 i ve been 40 for those who understand that..

 

that's really good advice relayer. Thank you. I know that you're right, but it is very hard to make that move.

 

One of the hardest moves to make in the normal world, that's for sure. But you have to be able to sacrifice your happyness for your childs best interest. My mom remained single and raised myself and my sister from the time I was 2 until I was 8 years old, and worked at Kmart. We ate pasta with butter 5 nights a week and our Christmas presents were paid for by my aunt. But we were loved as much as possible and we both have more respect for our mom than anyone else in this world.

 

Oh and just to share, I went through jail time for something very unfair, a horrible morphine addiction, living in the ghettos of south west Philly, losing most of my friends, dealing with parole and court, and struggling just to buy food and milk, but somehow I was still a good father through it all. I wasnt ready to share my body with another girl for close to 8 months and turned down chances to sleep with 2 beautiful girls because of my position as a father came first. You pull through somehow, and I may not be the nicest person and the greatest role model right now, but I will never look down on my shortcomings because my son and God matter to me most and I brought myself up from the bottom of homeless worthlessness to providing my own home and everything my son needs by myself. Sure, I was a loser and had no respect from anyone for most of the inital break up, but whatever, people come and go but your child is a part of your soul for eternitiy. -

 

I can't offer advice as every one of my relationships blew up in my face- each train wreck was at least partially my own creation. I can only offer support and lend the requisite ear and shoulder should either need arise.

One of my biggest personal dysfunctions is requiring physical attraction in order to do the deed. A good relationship requires so much more- starting with respect and friendship. If either of those is missing then there's really no relationship in my book.

 

I dont think you love him Jadesmom and you know this, everytime I read something where you are talking about him, it sounds, like you barely can stand the guy. I think the kind of relationship that you have with your boyfriend, it's only going to get worse with time and this is not going to benefit Jade in any way. I've never believed in staying with a person just because, if there is no love, well there is no love. All relationships have problems and struggle and is the presence of love between the two that makes things easier (god, I sound so cheesy), now I think you are just avoiding the inevitable. Whenever you speak of him or your relationship it's so clear that you dont want to be with him, but you stay there, because.

Of course, I have no experience in this sort of situation and I think you need to do what you feel is right for you and only you can know this.

 

i hate to get involved here,cause i sometimes hurt folks feelins when it comes to shit like this,,but here gos..

what autentique sees is the exact thing i see.

its not healthy for you or your child. waiting for the right time or the right situation to come along to leave is just going to make things worse in the long run and more than likely when you finally do get fed up that right time still wont have arrived..

like relayer said,, it wont be easy,but nothing good in life ever is..

to just sit and exist with someone simply because you have no where else to go is pretty sad..

i mean isnt that demeaning and degrading to you? surely you have more faith in yourself than to think you couldnt make it on your own?

 

Well I know that I could make it on my own, but I have to start somewhere. And with no money of my own I'd have to get a job first. When Jade is a little bit older I plan on going back to work, but I'm just not sure if I want to do that at my parent's house or here. It would be better there because I would have someone to watch Jade, and I would have the opportunity to save money. It is selfish of me to stay in this situation, but I also don't want to take her away from him. If I took him to court which I would rather not do, I guarantee he'd get supervised visitation, and I'd have full custody. Seeing as how he's a drunk with a coke addiction, and a felon to boot.

I wouldn't want him to be alone with her. What if he got drunk and drove with her in the car? What if he was doing coke with her in the house? I just don't trust him, and that is another reason why I'm afraid of leaving.

 

excuses ...there will always be one...

im saying this out of experience.. at least my experience..

 

yes but being afraid for the well being of my child isn't an excuse.

 

well, on that note, i am not going to go any farther, i said my piece,, take it as you wish...

 

No I respect your advice, and I will take some sort of action soon.. I promise. I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life either.

 

do what your heart tells you to do. if you love him youll know. but even if you arent attracted to him, i believe you can still love him. a person you meet can be unattractive but have an amazing personality. if he makes you laugh and helps you out, and cares for and your baby, isnt that what you need? i dont know how sex makes you feel more in to him though

 

I think she doesnt want to have sex with him, because she doesnt love him and when your heart is rejecting a person, it's very difiicult for your mind and body to feel any different.