Opiates keep me alive

I suffer from severe bipolar disorder, anxiety, and adhd. I have been on ativan to zyprexa, and no medicine has worked -- except one. Opiates make my thoughts stop racing and i am still able to fully function when i take 80 mg of oxycodone (even when i have no tolerance). I have not had any opiates for a few months, and i wonder why i havent killed myself. when i use opiates, i am an addict and ostracized by my family and community, even though it is the only thing that stops my constant unpleasant thoughts. I know i will kill myself sometime down the road because no one, not even my psychiatrist, understands and believes me. I got a 3.7 at my college last semester, and this semester, i have no will power to even do my homework. I will probably get a 2.5. I am a deranged being who just wants to stop the thoughts. I am not scared of death because i do not care if i go to hell. i am sick of these thougts. i am not scitzo, and no medicine or therapy works for me -- besides opiates. i plan to move to canada and just live off of the codeine that is otc. If not, i doubt ill live past 30

 

And I can tell your by face
Your all over the the place
And I can tell by your face...
Got no time for a damage case!

 

Death seems so much more peaceful than life. I am not poor (my dad's a doc), im not fat, and i have no other superficial problem. Was i meant to be born? If there is a God, why would he make me basically insane and completely misrable?

 

What if no medicine or therapy works for you because you don't actually have a DISEASE. What if deep down you're just some dude he needs to figure some shit out?

 

wtf man?

you can thank your lucky little fucking stars you werent born to the mother of 8 in a frightening Slum located at the other side of the world in Mumbai, India.

Were you meant to be born????!??!!?

You're not poor, you're not even fat, but you do have an addiction to painkillers

 

Yeah, but college is SO tough! pfft

If you really feel that drugs will help you get on some wellbutrin or something. In my opinion most drugs are fine in moderation, but once you cross a line you really need to evaluate what you're doing.

 

I have bipolar schizoaffective disorder and also credit opioids for keeping me from suicide and at this point couldn't give a damn what any judgmental person thinks. Most people on this site know my story already. I take my Suboxone just like I would an SSRi (if they actually worked for me).

 

Ovbiously you dont know what it is like to be in a state of conscious anxiety. If i was born in India it wouldve been better bc i would kill myself in my adolescent years.

And every characteristic you described pertains to my PHYSICAL state. my mental state is chaos. Do not judge me because you are truly blessed to not be constantly plagued by disturbed thoughts.

 

Since your a little reckless why don't you try MDMA, not in a rave setting, just from a psychological perspective. It may help your thoughts flow clearly.

 

Thats a pretty good idea^^

 

You need some LSD to change your fucking perspective on the world and your life buddy. Guess what? I am in college too. And guess what, i am also going through EXCRUCIATING pain with my severe anxiety disorder and depression. I have been using opiates since i was in 10th grade in high school to alleviate the anxiousness and depression. Yeah, its fantastic being all nice and warm wrapped up in the blanket of dope or pain pills, but guess what, you are addicted kid, and its only gonna get worse. and if your not already addicted, your going to become so. You NEED to find other ways to deal with this. therapy? meditation? exercise? these are all things i am starting to do. I have been on over 10 different psychiatrist medications, and so far none have worked. A year ago, i attempted to kill myself, i wont go into detail, but i clearly didn't. A few days later my BEST friend said to me "come over, i just got some really good Shiva hits of lucy, lets try them out, me, you, and my girlfriend." We ate some hits and it REALLY made me rethink a lot about myself, others, and the universe around me.

Here we are a year later, i still have crippling anxiety, i sometimes dont eat for days at a time because i am too scared and become too anxious of people and the noise of people to go to the fucking dining commons at my school. Not to be too harsh kid, but i am in a similar situation to you and life is worth living 100%. It may not always seem that way, but suck it up, eat some good clean LSD, and get back to us. Maybe it will help you man. Just a suggestion from someone who can relate.

all love.

 

hmmm... if the meds haven't worked for you,

I recommend that you check out acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine (ok, I say this a lot)

yeah, as haha said, meditation, exercise, therapy might be good

hope this all works out bro!

 

Having a similar condition, I do admit that psychedelics have helped my recovery, they aren't the be all and end all. Reading works of modern psychology such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy in conjunction with medication and occasional psych. Use is best, from my experience. I have gained a massive recovery in the last year from such things.


However, research shows that deficiencies in the opioid system can cause depression in some, and I believe i am proof of this. I don't abuse opioids, but my low dose of Suboxone daily is an important part of my recovery along with mindfulness self-therapy, medication, and monthly 2C-I experiences.

 

Yeah, i believe i read in one of your previous posts you use your suboxone to help not with opioid addiction but with a couple other mental disorders. How did you go about this? I ahve been on over 10 different psych meds (all bs) and none have worked over the last 3 years. I would like to possibly approach my own doctor about this.

and yeah, i didnt mean that necessarily eating some psychedelics would cure all the OPs problems, but im almost positive it would be VERY beneficial to do so.

 

Well, certainly the OP should investigate psychedelics. I think that anyone who suffers from treatment-resistant mental illness should investigate ANY route of possible benefit. Hell, it was a common aid in psychotherapy in the 50s to take a small Delysid (LSD) dose before-hand. I use my 2C-I sessions in the same way and they, along with my other treatments have helped much.

As for me, I have Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder, so I have mood swings and paranoid schizophrenia together, basically. I have tried all classes of antidepressants (SSRI, SNRI, NDRI, stimulants) that are legally prescribed (yes, even amphetamines were scripted to me at one time). None really helped the mood. The antipsychotic Zyprexa helps the paranoia and delusions great, however.

But for mood, nothing kept me functional enough to work or go to school or even live alone because I was suicidal constantly. I got injured and was given Hydrocodone, and bam, my mood stabilized completely. No mania. No depression. No high either (that is key to note). So, over time, I made myself addicted to opioids so that I could get on Suboxone (which is researched as a potent antidepressant agent). I just bought Tramadol on the internet so I became addicted. The reason I did this is because my trusted psychiatrist told me that he legally could not script me an opioid for my symptoms and that none could. He told me that Suboxone is only given for addiction and sometimes pain. So, I knew my mission!

Now, I live a relatively stable life free of heinous psychosis and mood shifts for the most part. Of course I still deal with problems, but that is what psyhcotherapy (I am currently doing self-therapy though) and psychedelic therapy.

Whew. That's a hell of a post. Hope it helps.

 

Psychedelics aren't everyones answer. Durpa durpa. Life is rather mediocre though you're not alone there. Luckily it'll be over one day whether you decide to commit suicide or not.

 

Ekearne...Did you have to drop before getting on subs to show you were addicted??? why didn't you jsut tell them you were addicted. Instead of going through that whole long process of actually getting addicted to get on subs. Seems kind of silly for a smart guy like yourself

 

well he doesn't have to get addicted, as long as he has opiates in his system for when they piss test him. they can't just take your word for it and give you the drugs.

 

Yeah. I was up to about 10 Tramadol per day when I went in. I felt confident that it was enough to show I was "Addicted." Turns out, they just needed to confirm any amount of opioid in my system at the particular clinic I went to. Oh well.

 

My sub doc took my word for it...but i guess its different for different docters. I just went in and told him the truth and i got prescribed. No tests no nothing. I could of said anything though...