Open Relationships

How do you feel about open relationships, open marriages even?

I am extremely liberal and open-minded when it comes to sexuality and every worthy mate I've been with has been the same way. Those whose viewpoint conflicted with mine--well, our relationship wasn't that strong.

I am embrace open relations because (I feel, not that it's true) that there is too much obsessiveness, jealousy, and close-mindedness in traditional relationships.

For instance if the one I'm with wants to have a sexual experience with another girl...I'm all for it. Threesomes..etc. However, (and I am not bragging I swear it), I've never had a girl who wanted another dude. Maybe that time has not come yet, but I feel that I should prepare myself by examining all the options.

Open-mindedness isn't foolish philandering, but safe and fun if it is handled in the proper manner. Trust is a major part of the open relationship. Without honesty (even in the smallest thing--such as a sexual fantasy) it will NEVER work...

Jealous people don't try this at home.

 

I rather liked it .. I know its unorthodox and my mother would be appalled if she knew "everything" about me for she knows the formost .. but it is all good .. if it is truly open.... honest ..and I dunno I liked that my ex was bi ..so "he" could be with another guy ...that worked for me .. I know that must turn off some people but it works for me .. if a person is new to it ..it can be very confusing .. and there will be situations ... but once its all aired out .. and they are strong as I thought me and my ex were then why not ...

 

i agree with you... i like the idea... cuz of the reasons you stated, but also coz im bi... makes it a whole lot easier... i never tried it yet, but it'd be nice to try... if my girl we're bi she could have another woman to play with and i could have a man, 4 some style.. it'd be nice.

 

I find open relationships much better, fairer, freer and less stressful. But, the KEY element is honesty. Without an open communication, the relationship will never work for both parties equally.

One of my fantasies (only one of many), for example, is watching "my" girl get fucked by two guys (oral/intercourse) talking dirty to me through the whole thing as I watch. She happens to fantasize about me being with another chick and that chick dominating her as well. We discuss it, roleplay it, etc. So, far it neither have become reality. But being open and not jealous and using the fantasy to play it out makes it more fun and creates a deeper bond of trust between us.

She is bi and I am very kinky and experimental. I admire experimentation and always try to find new ways or methods of stimulation. If I like it, I usually continue it. If it doesn't nothing for me, I discontinue.

I love having an open relationship because having relations with others is acceptable with no jealousy so long as it is safe and honest.

 

how long have u and ur girl been together?

 

9 years...

 

Open relationships makes perfect sense to me

I've never been in one, but open relationships very much appeal to me. The notion that - out of the entire human population (...and out of that - all the people who could be of an appropriate age, a compatible personality, and live within reasonable distance) - it is only viable to have a close relationship with one person at a time seems absurd to me.

It seems to me that widespread monogamy - along with it's being deemed/declared/alleged the most natural, and often the only 'acceptable', form of relationship - quite possibly reflects a pathological element in human behaviour and thinking. I think that G. J. Ravisini - in Die anthropologische Bedeutung der Polygamie ('The anthropological meaning of Polygamy' or something like that is how it translates I believe) - argued something very much along these lines. I am no anthropologist, and am perfectly willing to be enlightened, but I suspect that monogamy is far from being the 'natural' form of relationship for humans. And even if it is: if a more fulfilling (...far more fulfilling in my view) way of life can be attained through (a) different relationship model(s), why not pursue such a way of life? (...I would think of it as 'evolving to superior creatures', rather than 'going against nature')

The notion that a person can - on 'breaking up' with someone for example - simply 'turn off' all the affection they had for this person previously, seems quite implausible to me (...at least in a lot of cases). And the further notion that people can just suppress affections for people other than their partner that might arise naturally doesn't float with me either. My point being: affections for other people aren't something we can just turn 'on' and 'off'. (This much - despite my relative inexperience and youth - I think I can deem a well-considered statement.) And what is the justification for ignoring these affections, which - only naturally - desire reciprocation?

What is the justification for suppressing these innate desires? Is it that awkward circumstances might occur now and then? Such as walking in on two members of a hypothetical 'triad' during a short time they had planned to spend alone; and the sudden blush-of-the-cheeks and lowering-of-the-head that might accompany such an incident? But maybe people would only feel these circumstances 'awkward' because society (with it's association of monogamy with moral rectitude etc.) hasn't prepared them (..or has diverted them from a life which might prepare them otherwise) for such experiences. In any case, such small discomforts seem like a small cost for such a wonderful experience - i.e. love! (..which is what open relationships may well be about in many cases - no?)

I really could ramble on for a considerable length of time on this topic, as it is something I have thought a considerable deal about - all from an observer's point-of-view of course, as I've never been in a polyamorous relationship (...this may render my views null and void in your opinion, and that's permissible - if not necessarily rational - as long as you don't imply that I'm not entitled to express them). In fear that I've raised enough reader's ires already, however, I'm going to bite my lip instead (...or restrain my fingers from the keyboard as the case may be), and stop here.

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Good for you

It's good to hear such positive comments from someone who has experience of such relationships. What you've written seems to reflect what I had thought already - that open relationships are a perfectly viable option for anyone who wants to live that way; who is willing to be honest, and put in a bit of extra effort if necessary perhaps? If you don't mind me saying, what you've described in your posts sounds very healthy in my (..confessedly inexperienced) opinion - it sounds wonderful to be honest! Good for you that you've met a woman like that!

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Links

In my dreams of a liberal and fulfilled love-life , I have done a bit of reading on the subject. People might find the following resources, which I came across in my search for other people's views and experiences, useful:

Love More - a magazine dedicated to polyamory, and people who live in, or want to enquire about, polyamorous relationships

alt.polyamory - has answers to, and views on, lots of Frequently Asked Questions about polyamory/open relationships

(...there's loads of resources, and some networks as well I suspect, if you're interested - just search)

 

Thanks for your brilliant insight...and comments, DSLC. Cheers!

 

personally, i dont believe in open relationships. but i am an open minded person. for i desire and only want monogamous relationships (and relations altogether) and i define that being true love. im thinking of kinda how chris rock said it, that when you love someone your with them only and you just cant love all of the things that they have that you love (personality, looks, sex, sexuality,etc) but you also have to love the things that arent so good about them "you cant love just the white part of the bread, you gotta love the burn pieces of the crust at the bottom of the toaster".

now i equate the reasons people in relationships go to other people or like have threesomes (have open relationships) because they seek things that other people have that their partner doesnt satify or they just arent into monogomy and want to have the single life with the gf/bf benifits.

i can say that i honestly can see why a person would want one to fit their desires, and hell if it aint better than cheating, wheras in a open relationship your partner knows whats up (even though people cheat and are hurt in opens too). but like size XXS tube tops...everything aint for everybody.

 

There are "open relationships." And then there is "polyamory."

The difference?

Polyamory involves long-term, sustained relationships with more than one person with the full knowledge and consent of all other parties. Polyamorous relationships can range from long-term threesomes (triads) to long-term group (multi-partner) relationships.

The key words are "long-term" and "sustained." It is the fundamental difference between polyamory and swinging.

But in either case, open communications and honesty are absolutely vital to the survival of such relationships.

-- Skeeter

 

I admit I like this one better at the moment "polyamory."

this is what clearly defines where I draw a line ..it seems to hold more depth and less suprises ..and stay together instead of split five million directions .. which sucks to me..I dont know I am still learning about it

 

"open relationships"......personally couldnt do it, not at all


i could do the whole "casually" seeing people, y'know where you date around, but arent in love with anyone, but if i love someone its just not my scene

*thumbs up* to those who do it and enjoy it, whatever floats your boat i say

 

(...OK, I'm sorry - I just have too many thoughts on this topic to stay quiet. )

With monogamy, won't there always be people left with nothing?

It seems to me that as long as people pair themselves off one-to-one - i.e. live a monogamous lifestyle - there will always be people left out - people who aren't in a close relationship with anyone! Isn't monogamy somewhat cruel in this sense? In a monogamous world, there will always be people who will never get even a peck on the cheek; not even a deep, emotionally-charged conversation; not even a walk on the beach!

We have monogamy to thank for such heart-breaking scenarios. In a polyamorous context, however, there is at least the possibility of sharing the love, as there is no (..or at least far less) daft-human-contrived obstacles to it's honest expression; and - as much as anyone who can feel the pain of love is quite likely to be worth loving themselves - such love can be showered upon them. There are no artifically-contrived 'morals' to inhibit the expression of such affections!

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Even in polyamory, aren't there still primary relationships?

I presume there are still Cinderella's and Prince Charming's to be found in the world of open relationships - no? That the concept of 'love at first sight' and 'life-long love' are as relevant to such relationships as they are to traditional relationships? Just because one doesn't allow these 'wonders' to limit the affection they may allow themselves to nurture for other people, this doesn't render 'true love' any less real; any less wondrous - does it?

Such cherished relationships (i.e. those with the person whom one may spend the most time with; have known the longest; or be closest to) are often referred to as the 'primary' relationships, from what I have gathered. 'Secondary' relationships refer to relationships which are less deep emotionally, and for which those involved perhaps haven't made as long-term a commitment etc.. Perhaps such labels are inevitably deficient in trying to map a spectrum of complex possibilities; but they seem to have a limited use nonetheless.

My point being: in open relationships, I don't believe any of the wonderful aspects of closed relationships would be rendered unattainable (or even 'less' attainable); you are simply broadening your horizons - not putting anything out of view! I suspect certain people who have 'lived the dream' might offer the rather hackneyed adage: You lose nothing; yet gain so much!

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If monogamy works for you, all well and good, but don't impose it on the rest of us!

If monogamy works for some people; if they feel it's a viable option for them; all the best to them! ...I wouldn't even consider trying to take anything away from them, or imply that their relationship has less value than they believe to be the case. What risks annoying me, however, is the circumstance of a person making implications that open relationships are less noble, less viable, or for-whatever-other-reason less acceptable than traditional, closed relationships.

From observing discussions related to this topic before, I have witnessed what seem almost to be expectations on the part of conservatives for advocates of open-relationships to defend themsevles, and 'justify' their stance. I mean ....these are the people implying that - in a world with tens of millions of men and women - loving one person is the only sensible option! ...It seems quite obvious to me who the crazy ones are!

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Oh dear ...I've gotten completely carried with myself it seems!

 

I like you DSLC...you're a real thinker.

 

jelosy is a dangerose thing .....its like gambeling .....i dont understand why people hurt themselvs and others with it

 

in the past i woldnt have minded an open relationship since i used to feel like i was crowded and once a guy got too clingy i wold dump his ass.................. But now I am married to someone i have been in love with for a very long time, it took me years to get this person and now that i have him i dont really wanna play any more games, I am completely in love with my husband and woldnt want to share him with anyone, i am not saying they are evil or that i dont think they are right but they are not for me..... and it seems to me that they do cause drama occasionally.........
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I think i need clarification here... how does monogamy have anything to do with people who "are left out" (alone)? If someone never has a close realtionship with another person/persons how is that the fault of monogomous couples? If someone has never had the experiences you have mentioned, it seems as though it would be their own fault for never being in a relationship at all. If a couple chooses to be monogamous how are they leaving someone else out? And even if we lived in a world that was not dominated by monogamous relationships, there is no guarantee that every single person would have these experiences, right? I just don't understand...

 

yes I am sure that there is granted the "alpha" issue .. hmmmm ....there could be hidden issues ....most may desire to feel that they are all one ever needs ...in alpha situations ... a person after a while of hearing about the greatness of that alpha ....then they may later tend to move to thier own alpha role elswhere in order to get that same attention......so it seems no matter what you do there is risk in everything due to ego....but I see less risk ........in this role nothing is hidden nor takes you away from your family ..etc ...you cohabitate in a peaceful manner .. love and ego-less existence ...which is far more desirable that most situations that may result from "looking" elsewhere behind the scenes ... which usually break up families and hurts people ..you have to question yourself ...are they just a good roomate or convenient lay so it turns out to be open and dull to the soul after a while ... whereas the other extreme situation is all or nothing .. and that just ends in hurt ...I am not sure if there is a right way or wrong way anymore .. I think its depending on the individual.. between the loved one there should be an attempt to clearly lay out immediate desires and ultimate desires and if there are boundaries ..then the boundaries need to be made clear ahead of time ..even then a person will do what they want to do .. so I really dont have any expectations of anything other than to go with the flow and love myself in the process ... expectation only leads to disappointment ...but at the same time I would certainly attempt to go the direction true to myself -I see so much in so many people no matter what so its hard for me to really say either way

 

Well, I've never tried being in an open relationship.

I think the reason it might not work for me is...as I grow closer to a guy, I just really want to keep making him happy. I want him to know that I've got his back, and that I love giving myself to him. It's not a dependency thing. It's more like I want him to know how excited and happy I am being with him.

 

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Why thank you good sir (..intended to be interpreted in a platonic manner - don't fret)! And I'm glad you started this thread. I think it's very healthy and positive to talk about these things openly.​

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Imagine five friends: two guys and three girls. If two of the guys pair off with two of the girls; one of the girls has no (..or considerably less) opportunity for a relationship. Granted, this is rather simplistic, and she might have other male friends - but what if they're all in relationships already as well?

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Yes...I agree! I wasn't implying that prevalence of open relationships would automatically mean relationships for everyone! I was referring to 'possibilities' - not 'inevitabilities'! My point was: if the defining stipulation of monogamous relationships - i.e. that you participate in close, intimate relationships with no one other than your own partner - is not present, an obstacle is removed to the likelihood of them having relationships with other people; and consequently, to the likelihood of more people being in relationships! The possibility for people to be in relationships (...as far as I can discern) is increased - I wasn't implying that it will automatically happen!​

Even if my views are mal-aligned - or you don't see from the same perspective - I hope that at least makes them a bit clearer!​

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I have views to express on the jealousy issue as well, which I'll try to organize in a coherent manner when/if I have the time.​