One night stand vs relationship hook up

Are most of your hook ups come from dating or conversation to sex or meeting first time and go for that ultimate bi/gay experience…

For me, I prefer getting to know my partner …leading to mm
However, I wouldn’t resist an opportunity that was presented to me first time hook up..
On scale …60 % of mm have been after knowing the person …40% on the first time , most of that 40%, I have been picked up/seduced …which I couldn’t resist…

 

Only one real relationship, one situation that was kinda like a relationship but not really, a lot of one-night stands, a lot of time having sex with my friends growing up. I have maintained that good sex is where you find it and you can find it almost anywhere and from surprising places and directions. I would never hold out for relationship sex when the guy next door wants to suck dick with me or I'm out and about and run into a guy and, whew, yeah, we need to go somewhere and get each other off. And if we never see each other again, I'm good with that and thanks - I needed that!

 

I'm very different from Kdaddy and maybe most guys here, because I don't seem to hook up with friends and neighbors in the straight world, ever. For the first 21 years I had anonymous oral sex with hundreds of guys in different gay sex venues like bathhouses. In the last 10 years it's been through gay hookup sites like Squirt. And with those, we either directly meet at one of our homes for sex (with perhaps a little warming up time chatting on the sofa), or a few times meeting for dinner first before going back to one of our homes for sex, but they were all casual, and most were one time only. And I have so far hooked up twice with guys from a huge gay social group I'm part of.

I truly wish that I would be hooking up with guys from every day life, where it happens all naturally and organically, with some desire for each other. I would love for casual hookups like that, but even more with friends with benefits kind of relationships, and even romantic if that were to happen. It's just never happened (other than with my best friend from across the street when we were 8-13 years of age for lots of preadolescent and adolescent oral and anal play, but I don't count that).

 

RisingBi said, "It's just never happened (other than with my best friend from across the street when we were 8-13 years of age for lots of preadolescent and adolescent oral and anal play, but I don't count that)." and I want to ask, "Why don't you count it? It happened, didn't it?" Maybe it's just me but you can't say that it never happened - but then cite that it did - then say that it didn't count. I'd say that it doesn't count if it never really happened but if it did - and for a lot of guys, it did, why discount it?

 

I'm with you. I much prefer getting to know someone before I decide to put their cock in my mouth or vice versa!! Although all, but one of my M/M encounters were "spontaneous", I would prefer cultivating some type of FWB relationship. That one was a school friend who loved sucking my cock with no reciprocation. Since then they have all basically been "pick ups". Some were great and some were "I wish I'd hurry up and cum" situations. That's why I would like to have someone regular where we had somewhat of a relationship. Not a romantic type relationship, but just a good friendship where we could do other things together besides suck each other's cocks.

 

I have 2 fwb. I got to know both very well. It's more than just sex, they truly are friends. We talk about lots of things. For the sex we know what our partner likes.

 

I agree with you, I'm discounting something that very much happened and that I enjoyed. Even after reflecting on it so much, I still don't understand why I don't count it. I know I should, and I want to, and sometimes I almost do. Maybe because I don't remember the *gay desire* feelings at the time, either because I repressed them in the years after, and they remain repressed, or I didn't have any concept formed yet of "gay feelings".

Remembering back to then and my experience just feels very different from what was happening to me as an adult at 30, with all these gay desires spontaneously arising, and how much lust there was in them. Did I have that with my childhood friend? I certainly didn't have a fully matured sexual brain yet. I never felt crush feelings for him like I had with different girls in my classes in that same age period. Heck, despite having had a lot of sex with guys in the last 33 years, I've only in the last 2 years began having actual crushes on guys. But I certainly count those 31 pre-crush years of having man-to-man sex. Maybe I should count those first 6 years as a kid, and just say that I've been fully bisexual since the very dawn of my sexuality at 8--despite having that male dryspell from 14-29.

 

Wow, 15 years is a long time for that dry spell! Between those ages I had a lot of one-night stands with guys and gals and a lot of hookup sex that kept me from going through The Drought and like a lot of my friends were suffering through. I'd marry the mother of my child when I was 18 so that took care a lot of the sex from 18 through 29 but we'd gone open almost "right away" so... lots of other sex.

 

I’ve had both but 1 guy I see a lot we text daily, another guy That I’ve seen we chat once a month. I’m starting anew fwb with a guy , we had sex, talked all summer and are try to plan another sex date, but our dates wont line up due to life getting in the way.

 

I don't want you to think that I'm picking on you but, my God, I have heard and/or read so many guys say that they were down with the dick when they were younger but when they became an adult, um, it didn't count. They'd say that they want to do X, Y, and F with a guy and as if they never did it or, yes, they say that whatever they did when they were younger didn't count. I've asked about this for the longest time and you're the only one (in a damned long time) who even tried to answer the question, so it's very much appreciated.

 

I'd say something like 90% of my sexual encounters with other men were one-night stands and the other 10% could be considered to be relationships. I mean we were hooking up together once or twice a week for six to eight months to provide each other the oral sex we were wanting.

 

So, if I hooked up with a guy and we had a one-night stand - but we liked that first time and agreed that we need more times like that, is it FWB, some kind of 'relationship', or just a matter of convenience? I don't think it's a relationship in that "I have a boyfriend!" way of things; we're not likely to profess our undying love for each other and other behaviors normally associated with "a relationship" and that include having to be monogamous which, of course, gets interesting if the two of us are already in a relationship and while I personally believe that we are capable of carrying on more than one relationship at a time, social norms prohibit it under what it says about "one man, one woman" and, um, last I checked, neither myself or "Bruce" are a woman.

This shit gets complicated and unnecessarily so. Depending on one's point of view, "Bruce" might be an off and on lover but not necessarily a friend and definitely not a boyfriend in the romantic sense of things but it's just... convenient. If we happen to run into each other - and that probably won't happen unless one or both of us are horny and, as such, why go looking for someone else when we know that we're good in bed together? Is this "relationship sex" or just one of many "convenient hookups" that could end without notice and at any time? Does feeling great lust for each other count as having feelings for each other even though social norms seems to discount lust as a "real feeling" and nothing like feeling affection or love for the person you're in a relationship with? And just being in a sexual relationship with someone is a real thing even though those same social norms says it shouldn't be.

At the end of any day, you get your dick fix by any means necessary, but I just wanted to mention this particular clusterfuck...

 

I have a few guys that I have a sexual relationship with and avoid one-time meets. If it's a first time, we've already established that we're looking for an on-going thing. And, whether it's oral or anal or both. I gave a car blowjob to one FB today that usually is only oral. I expect to get together with another later this week that has me suck his cock before he fucks me. I think it's too risky to be doing this with one time meetups.

 

As you even mentioned, I think it's completely valid to say that 2 guys getting together on an ongoing basis for oral and/or anal sex are in a sexual relationship, as opposed to one or two lust-filled hookups. If they do friendship things outside the bedroom as well, then I would say it's a friends with benefits relationship. So if they're just suck or fuck buddies, and don't do any other friendship stuff, then I wouldn't call them friends (though of course they are welcome to call each other whatever they want).

If they go on dinner dates or get together for drinks at a bar once in a while, and then go home for oral and/or anal sex, then it's kind of an in-between state that might not yet be called anything more than a sexual relationship. I only say this because I was "seeing" a guy once and I wasn't feeling romantic desires for him (yet?), but maybe we were both with hope leading to that perhaps (I certainly liked him a lot, as a man, as a person). But we were just kind of going on dinner dates, or he would cook for me at his place, and we would have sex afterwards. Would you call that just a dating and sexual relationship, but not yet a romantic relationship? I don't know. But we ended up "breaking up" because he wanted romance and was looking for love, and maybe even felt that for me, but I wasn't feeling it. In hindsight, now I realize not only that he had romantic feelings for me, but I did for him as well, I just wasn't ready yet to acknowledge having those kinds of feelings for another man (I've struggled with the gay side of myself all my life long). I can't tell you how much I regret not letting myself feel the feelings I just know I had for him. He would've made a wonderful husband.

And finally, if 2 guys have romantic feelings for each other, but it's all still new and they don't consider themselves boyfriends yet, then I would say they're in a romantic sexual relationship (just like men and women in the dating period before they call themselves boyfriend and girlfriend). And when the romantic relationship has progressed to the point where they want to call each other boyfriends, whether they are still in the closet or not, then they're boyfriends, plain and simple.

Just my two cents.

 

There are a lot of "ifs" in this, huh? I grew up in a culture that said that men do not date other men. Period. That's homosexual behavior. Do not go there. Ever. Now, having said that, having sex with each other? Don't do it but if you do, don't get caught and don't tell. More "ifs." If the sex was good, let's get together again. Sexual relationship? I'd say so and if there's no romantic interest - and chances are very good that there isn't any romantic interest - then it's just convenient sex and if nothing else, I don't have to go looking for guys to have sex with if this guy fulfills my need for a dick fix.

Lots of more "ifs," right? It'll come down to what I think versus what he might think because no one gets to define what we're doing except the two of us and we may not be looking at this the same way. I'm thinking it's [again] just convenient sex, but he may be looking at it as an FWB kind of thing - but, once upon a time, FWB was about NSA sex; today, it's not about that so much and leans more toward relationship sex. If he's thinking like this, well, hmm, we might have to have another conversation.

Let's not forget that there's really no wrong way to go about getting your dick fix because it always comes down to what a guy is able to do and, importantly, what he's willing to admit to himself re potentially having feelings for the other guy and regardless to whether the sex is casual or not. You do it the way it's going to work for you while not looking down on how someone else is able to do it. Would I just hook up with a guy? Sure - I've done that so many times that I cannot put a number to it. Have I had FWB and/or relationship sex with a guy? I have and it was fun and educational because the culture I grew up in says that you cannot - and you'd better not - develop romantic feelings for another guy because if you do, that means you're one of those evil homosexuals.

Yeah, no, it doesn't. I learned that I do not have to be into you in order to want to get into your underwear - I just have to like you enough to want to get into your underwear, you know, if you'll let me. I will openly say that I'm not a woman, so you do not - and maybe better not - engage with like I am, i.e., we don't have to date each other, and I'd expect you to be direct about your intentions and that we are contractional with each other and not conditional or, to be blunt, we're not laying down a bunch of shit that will keep us out of each other's underwear.

Now, if we do the nasty with each other and we liked how we made each other feel, sure - we can do this again some time in the future, i.e., if you're horny and you want to have sex with me again, give me a call and if I'm available, we can do this but if this becomes conditional and it even starts to 'smell' like a 'committed' and monogamous relationship, okay, my friend, we really need to have a conversation because I may or may not be willing to engage in such a relationship and no matter how I may feel about you. It's just me but, yes, I'd be honest about any feelings that isn't lust that I could have for you but if - yeah, here's another one of them - we're not being exclusive, then if I'm not with you and we're having fun, I might hook up with a guy that I deem is safe because, well, I'm horny right now, he's interested and available right now and, well, needs must.

Does this impact whatever we have going on? It shouldn't... but I'd wager that it could have a major impact. My goodness... doesn't this get interesting? I think so!

 

Yeah, I get what you're saying, Kdaddy. It can get complicated. Having read your last post above, I'm now wondering whether one of the reasons that most of my hookups with guys (that go through gay hookup sites and apps) in each other's homes have been one time only because one or both of us didn't want a relationship. At least that was in my bisexual days. I don't know how things will proceed now that I'm more identifying as homosexual, and have even had a couple of romantic crushes on guys. I definitely would love to have a gay friend with benefits, to have a like-each-other friendship doing friendship things and also enjoying wonderful sex together very often--or multiple such friends with benefits. Not only does that not scare me anymore, but I very much like that idea, that kind of relationship.

But I'm back-and-forth in my feelings of falling in love with a guy, and him with me, and being boyfriends. Part of me likes the idea and wonders whether I would have better luck with a man in that kind of romantic relationship that I've had with the two women that have been my girlfriends (as you know, both absolutely insane rollercoaster tumultuous relationships). But another part of me just knows that any romantic relationship is filled with lots of complications and turmoil, that I've seen in a lot of my straight friends, even married ones. And then with my many gay friends, most of whom have long-term partners, none seem overly happy, and many of them have open relationships so they can have sex with other guys. I'm not sure how well that's working for them. I'm not sure if I would like that. It certainly didn't work with my last girlfriend near the end of our relationship, in the last few months when she wanted to just be friends with benefits so that she could date other guys (all I did was do a lot of gay porn and writing in forums like this one). In the end it killed us.

And of course there is just collecting together a group of guys in your "Rolodex" that you can just call up to see whether they're interested in getting together for some sex, without the friends part, just benefits. That certainly sounds better than having to constantly find new guys using the gay hookup sites and apps, a lot of work for little return, and that I'm frankly tired of. Of course I gotta get into that in a huge way again in order to collect a Rolodex of male lovers.

And then there is the anonymous hookups in bathhouses etc., which I did a ton of for 21 years, all but one oral only--hundreds of cocks. I've zero interest in doing that for anal sex this time, which is primarily what I'm looking for with guys now, sucking and fucking.

But I'm definitely one of the lucky ones, that very rare breed of a guy who is single and completely free to have sex with whomever he wishes, without repercussions--unless I'm having sex with a guy who is cheating behind his partners back, on the down low. No thank you.

 

I think it's somewhat simple: If you don't want a relationship, you hook up with guys who can pass muster with you because, as I said, needs must. If you can develop a "stable" of guys you've proven to be safe and you can call them so y'all can get naked, that's great and so is having that one guy that you have deep feelings for and, oh, yeah, the sex is all that and then some.

It always comes down to personal preference, doesn't it? My protege is definitely one of those "I don't want a relationship!" guys... but he's been with his current FWB for just over two years and I keep asking him when they plan on getting married because they are amazing with each other, both physically and emotionally. But he'll still hook up with a guy... because he can, because exclusivity bothers the shit out of him and his FWB is okay with them not being exclusive and while I am made to understand that his FWB isn't getting any from anyone else, I tell him, "If this is how it works for y'all, then it's all good." There was a time when my protege would lose his shit the moment a given FWB wanted things to be more than just sex and one of those "I told you, didn't I?" moments I had been telling him about and a warning to never underestimate the power of laying some damned good sex on someone.

Because at the end of any and every day, it's always about that which works for the individuals in question. Hookup versus relationship... shouldn't be a bone of contention between bisexual men or men at all. It's always about what can be done, it's about what are you willing to do to get that dick fix when you need it and handling your bizness in the best way you know how to do it.

Shit, I've sucked hundreds of cocks; guys I knew, guys I met just being out in the world, guys I've been with once the apps came into existence and to keep myself from blushing, I don't even wanna think about the number of times I've been under a guy and he's filling me up with his cum. My relationship with my boyfriend was all that and I didn't go back to hooking up until he had to leave me. I had my poly wife's 20-something son as a lover and it surprised me that he wanted me to "break him in" and, yeah, I had feelings for him even though I knew it was just sex with him and... that was okay - and it didn't stop me from getting with other guys because that's what was working for me at the time. Turned down a lot of relationship requests and not because I didn't have feelings but because I didn't have the time to be in a relationship like that - and more so when any of those men started being conditional instead of us being transactional.

This is stuff that I've learned over the sixty years I've been bisexual. My own experiences and what other guys have experienced. You do what you can do and that which is going to work for you and the real bottom line is... are you getting what you want and need from other men? If the answer is yes, then there's no problem but if it's no, well, it's time to put in some work, methinks...