not sure what to do. advice please. (kind of long..)

i have been with my boyfriend for about 2 months. from the moment we met i felt this amazing connection with him. and the more i got to know him, the more i liked him. we spend a good deal of our time together. and it is great. i feel that for the most part he is very caring and considerate. but there have been a three instances in which he has acted otherwise.

the first two happened early on, like the first two weeks. the first, he had told me he was coming over, and we didnt have any specific plans other than to just hang out. about 20 min later he called to say he was going to grab breakfast quick and would be over. i took this to mean that he was going to grab drive through/bagel/eat something at his house quick. but about an hour had passed and i called and asked where he was and he said he was "waiting for a table" with his friends for brunch. i told him that i thought he was coming over. basically he told me he thought it would only take like a half an hour. well i was upset. and i said i will talk to you later. we eventually did, and we worked it out. he apologized and didnt realize it was a big deal. i said i find it disrespectful to make plans with someone and then not follow through. i mean he did call to say he was getting breakfast, but failed to tell me that it was brunch with other people. also i was kind of upset that he didn't include me in his plans with his friends. i understand it was just a bunch of guys. and he probably thought i wouldn't want to go, but still it would have been nice to at least been invited.

the second, he was supposed to have dinner with me and some friends out of town, but had spent the previous night partying a little too much and slept all the next day. never called me until the following day. i had to actually remind him that he missed our plans. i was very upset and almost broke it off. stating that i don't think i can continue being with someone that is so inconsiderate. well, we talked about it and he apologized and we worked it out.

now some time has passed and things have been really good. he has been very open about his feelings for me. stating that he really wants this to work out. and that he is looking for something serious, not just casual dating. and tells me how much he adores me. and is very affectionate. i mean it is very obvious that he likes me. i don't really feel like that is the question in all of this.

so today was a third incident. we had been hanging out. we had breakfast. and then went to a bar for a drink, then record shopping. he said he wanted to go find some sunglasses, and a dvd, and basically it seemed to me that we were just going to be hanging out. so then he gets a call from his roomate. and his roomate says hey come meet me at this bar for a drink. now his roomate and i don't really get along. not so much that we don't like each other, but we sort of hooked up a couple of times before my boyfriend and i met. and so its sort of akward and i think it just works best if we don't spend quality time together. so my boyfriend says hey lets go to this bar. i told him i didnt want to. and that i thought we were doing other things. and he said oh. well i kind of want to go to the bar. and i said well i guess if you want to do that then go. he said he didnt want me to be upset with him though. i told him i couldn't help being upset, and that the situation made me feel like i was only good enough to hang out with until something else came along that he wanted to do better. not that that is the truth but that is how it makes me feel.

so off he went.

i tried calling him and left him a message saying that my feelings were hurt. and that is fucked up. so i came home and i cried. and i texted him to ask if we could please talk. no answer back.

so i am not really sure if i am just being a fool or what the hell is really going on. i mean i know relationships aren't easy and no one is perfect. but where do you draw the line. is it too early to be mad about this kind of stuff? or is he just an inconsiderate asshole?

 

You have just started going out and he already puts his everything else and everybody else above you. So consider what's gonna happen 6 months from now.You will be hurt all the time,. He will have no respect for you at all, and he will come up with some stupid excuse. Break up before you got attached to him. Also, it feels like you have a connection, because in the beginning he is hiding his real behavior, but as you can see , sometimes it creeps in. If I were you I would find strength to end it all. Remember, you r hurt once, it is his fault, you are hurt twice or more it is your fault.

 

I'm going to agree with the above poster. If he's already inconsiderate to your feelings now...after only 2 months, it's not going to get any better. The first seven months or so are like the honeymoon period where you should be getting along MOST of the time with very little arguing and any arguing there is shouldn't be too serious.

Just my opinion...but I think you guys are doomed. Don't postpone the inevitable.

 

yes to the above posts he is only going to get worse.

maybe you should take a vacation and come to the caribbean, but the day you flight heads out make a date with him for lunch or something then dont show up. and as your boarding the plane send him a text message ohh sorry i didnt make it but this vacation come up and it seemed like way more fun than luch( or what ever )with you. LOL i bet that would piss him off.

 

well last night he ended up calling me, and we talked and talked and then talked some more. basically he said that it stresses him out that his friend and i don't get along. and that he feels stretched thin between work, hanging out with me, and trying to get time in with his friends. he and i have spent alot of time together, like almost every day, and i guess his friends were giving him a hard time saying they missed him. and the friend i don't get along with is his roomate so it makes things a little uncomfortable. and he felt like i was going to be upset regardless if he did or did not go and meet him up at the bar yesterday. also, i know that this is the first relationship that he has been in a very long time. four years to be exact. so he has pretty much been there whenever his friends needed/wanted him around. and i know that they are important to him. and he and i have only been together for 2 months so, i can see how this might be hard on his friends not having him around at all times.

i hear what everyone is saying about how its only going to get worse. i mean, while i understand it, its not exactly what i want to hear. and i realize everyone has their own opinion and i appreciate everyones response. however, i don't think that relationships are just black and white. and i know what you are saying about the honeymoon phase. and to be honest it does worry me that we are having some issues so soon. but besides these things, it has been really amazing. so basically, i feel like i am on the fence with this one. i don't want to set myself up to get hurt, but i also don't know if i feel comfortable just walking away.

also, we have plans to go to chicago this coming weekend. just me and him. i have been kind of contemplating what to do about this. like maybe we should kind of slow down. maybe not go. but he said he really wants to go. i think the best thing i can do for myself right now, is just ease up a little and really concentrate on taking care of myself and doing things that are going to make me happy. not necessarily break things off...but just do more of my own thing and not spend SO much time with him.

 

What I am hearing here, is that your boyfriend has a problem managing time... so do my father & husband, and many of my other male friends. Any of them could give the absentminded professor some stiff competition. It's a tough one to learn to deal with, but it can be done. I used to call my husband 1/2 hour before he needed to be leaving for something, to "remind" him that we had plans. I also, VERY early in our relationship decided to tell him that we needed to be somewhere 15 minutes before we really did. 14 years later, I'm still doing this & we are on time wherever we're going. I don't lie, but for a 2:00 dental appointment 20 minutes away I will tell him that he must be out the door by 1:15. And for him, that's absolutely true

The other thing I hear is that it sounds like the two of you have been spending pretty much every spare moment together. While it sounds fun & I don't blame you at all, this can actually harm a relationship more than help it... you both need just a little breathing space. Maybe there's one or two days of the week where you could agree to "me" days rather than "us" days, so he would be free to hang out with his other friends & you would be free to hang out with yours? As backwards as it may sound, this tends to help SO many relationships.

Good luck
love,
mom

 

May be we were all wrong saying that it is only gonna get worse. He is a man, and we all know that men will do a lot for their friends. It does not mean he has to inore you though. May be he will realize that cancelling on you is not good, and he will learn to be more predictable. If you feel that you should give it a shot, you know better than anyone else. Good luck,and keep us posted
We also have to remember that a relationship involves 2 absolutely different people, from different families, career, educations, etc.... and here they are, trying to get along. Of course, you gonna have misunderstanding.

 

Maby im just being an ass (god forbid) but to me it sounds like your the one with the problem. What u'v said above dont seem like perticually bad events, especialy if thats the worst thats happened. Look's like in most cases other than a few slip up's he's bent over backwards to be with you and do what you want, you cant (and as you've said dont) expect him to just leav all his friends and be with you all the time.

At the end of the day people arnt allways where they say they'll be or on time or able to do what we (you) want them to do, plans change and events redirect our every day live's. Almost sounds like your trying to sabotage you relation ship with him because he wont do what you want all the time.

He sounds like a nice guy dont push him away over a few petty problems that realy arnt/shouldnt be any kind of issue.

Im saying this all as a warning not to get at you so please dont take offense.

Well thats my 2 cents anyway.

 

I completely agree. If this guy is spending as much time as he has been with you and this is all that has happened and you wish to slow down, I really don't know what to say. Plans change, he has other people in his life that are important too and the fact that he spends nearly everyday with you clearly signals that your his top priority. As for his roomate, do you not go over to your bf's apartment when the old roomate is there? Chances are this is an important person in his life too and that you should make an effort to make things not be so akward. Maybe you already have.

Now if its a once a week thing where he changes plans that he has with you to do something else, then there is cause for concern. Three times in two months doesn't seem like that big of a deal. The first time he more than likely got peer pressured from his friends to have brunch with them and he more than likely would've come over after breakfast, apologized face to face seeing how upset you were and made it up to you then. The second time, that's a dick move. Its one thing to call and explain you're hung over and don't feel well enough to do something, another to blow things off all together.

If he's spending all this time with you, it sounds like you are at the top of his priority list. You should focus on that, instead of the few intances that he fails to meet your expectations.

 

actually i don't take offense to what you are saying. this is the whole reason i wrote about my problem on this board, because i really wanted some different perspectives. hell, i know that it is easy to get caught up with your own feelings and not see the other persons point of view. and i actually agree, to an extent to what you are saying. and i have been thinking about all of these points. and i think the best thing is for us not to spend as much time as we have been. when i am in a relationship i tend to gravitate wanting to spend as much time as i can with someone. i know this is not healthy. i guess all that is going down between he and i is a good thing. its made me realize a few things. and i know that regardless if i like his roomate or not i do need to make the effort to be cool with things so that things aren't akward.

the problem with his roomate is, like i had mentioned before, we had hooked up a couple of times and he was pretty much an asshole to me. my boyfriend doesn't really know this. i mean he knows something happened between us, but i never said anything in detail about it. such as hey your roomate was a complete dick to me. but regardless, if he is a good friend of his, and i care about my boyfriend, then i think i need to find some way to let bygones be bygones. however, i am only human, and i am not quite sure how to go about this. i don't want to be cheesy or make it into a big deal. maybe buy him his favorite beer, i don't really know.

 

So your boyfriend doesn't know what happened between you and his roommate? Talk about something to be distrustful about. "omitting the truth" is the same thing as lying.

 

he knows what happened. but i didn't really go into detail, i don't think that is necessary. plus, i didn't want to go and shit talk his friend about something that happened in the past. i don't feel like i am being distrustful. he is not my first and i am not his. i don't really need to know everything that happened with every girl he's been with and vice versa.

do you think he wants to think about me being with is roomate? i highly doubt it. i don't want to think about it either. and you know i have never been in this situation before, where i am with someone and have done something with one of his friends.

i guess i don't understand how i am lying or omitting the truth? or why i would have to tell him everything about it?

 

I think there is a difference between saying, "Oh we hung out" and "Oh we hooked up"...

 

he knows that we hooked up. he was made aware of this from the very begining.

he knows that it is a little akward for me to hang out with him becuase of that. basically he is just asking me to find a way to get along with him. so we can all be in the same room and for it to not be a problem.

 

I guess I feel like you're making a big deal out of nothing. I agree with dhs, if he's only "screwed up" three times in the past two months...that's a pretty good record for a guy.

 

wow if he's pulling that shit just after two month he's a jerk and needs to either go find a girl who will deal with it (which you dont want) or go be a kid and play with his boys a little bit more until he's ready to have a girlfriend.
I cut this crap out the first few weeeks and if my techniques don't work I leave them. My first adult boyfriend didn't call my one day and we were supossed to go out that night at 8. When 8 rolled around and he hadn't called I left my house, left my cell at home and went to my friends pool party...Dan did end up calling at 9 and never blew me off or called me late again in fact we were together for the better part of five years.
My last long term relationship the guy didn't call as first as much as I wanted him to he would blow me off ect, this went on month after month and finnaly I stopped talking any of his calls and would make up excuses not to talk to him...his attitude changed.
In my current one I was a little pissy because he didn't call one night and I was pretty damn shocked when he stood up to me and said hey look I called you this afternoon and if you needed to talk to me again you know Im always here pick up the phone....so I guess he's the first one to uhm win but it's all good and he's the first one since my ex fiance who I will call when I'm in trouble or need advice and it's awsome

oh so bottom line don't let a guy dick you around...do it back and see if he changes, see somone else or end it...those are pretty much your three options.

 

It has to do with maturity level. If he's not mature enought to handle a relationship, then he shouldn't be in one. But, I think she's being kind of selfish...just my opinion. If they are together ALL THE TIME...going out with his friends every once in while, isn't that big of a deal.

 

sounds like my relationship, and therefore, I dont have any advice.

 

well. it turns out that my boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend, is an addict. alcohol. blow. you name it. i got myself out of this relationship, because well, im not an addict and it wasn't healthy for me. it just saddens me, because i think he would die before getting himself help. and he surrounds himself by enablers. basically, i should have listened to my gut when things went wrong early on. but i guess i just didn't see it. i wanted so much to believe in him and our relationship. but in the end, he as another relationship that i can't compete with. and looking back all of the signs were there. i just chose to ignore them.

moral of the story. always trust your gut. even when it hurts to do so.

 

): I am sorry but it is better to find out sooner rather than later;right?

When a guy really loves you he wants to be with you all the time and really makes an effort to show it. Learning not to put up with shit is a process we all have to learn...and sometimes it's a long process, especially when we want to help or change somone but we all just have to know that we are good enough (fantastic, wonderful, worthy, smart and beautiful in other words ) without that person's validation. I hope everything turns out great and that you end up with somone who treats you right...I hope I do too...I hope we all do d: Good people for everyone all around lol. no but seriously (((Hugs))) now go get a manicure and move on to the next cute boy