No innocence

Here is my confession:

When I was about 7 or 8 years old, I remember laying in bed, asking God why He let my parents beat me with boards, and lock me in closets. I just layed there crying and waiting for an answer that never came. Then I remember thinking "Maybe I shouldn't be alive", and started thinking about how I could kill myself. 11 years later, here I am, and I realize that's when I lost my faith.

 

That Sucks. I know it is not easy. Just dont give up on yourself, maybe go see a Therapist or someone to talk to. Just watch out for community mental health programs, they will suck the life out of you with there toxic chemicals that they like toc all med's and be under the bondage and oppression of the mental helath money biliking prgrams who make deals with the Courts and pharmacutical company's and claim to be not for profit. HA! Try and get back that faith, it helps more than the Hitlermites of Mental Health. Good Luck and dont give up on you.

 

this is how i think of god. Believer:There's a magic elf on my head, do u believe me?
Skeptik:No. Believer:why not? Skeptik:cause i can't see him believer:that's because he's invisible

that's how i think of god. that's why i don't believe. make sense.

 

I have come to the conclusion that I am my own god. My spirit guide is helping, along with a few other personalities that I'm not quite too sure of, because I'm starting to think I'm schitzophrenic.

 

do ya have hallucanations without taking drugs or sleep deprevation. i'm bi-polar, but never hallucinated without takin any drugs.

 

whether ot not you believe in god, I have two answers for you.

If you don't, then be angry with the people who took your childhood away from you and don't act like someone could have saved you. It was thier fault. fuck them


If a part of you does still believe in god (man, I hope I don't get flamed by all the jesus hated here) listen to this. Nad things happen to good people everyday. Why? A loving all powerful god wouldn't do that, right? When god created the man he could have made us all drones, all of us being happy and peaceful and worshipping. But a man would not love God, he was just programmed to do so. God thought it would mean more if we had the opportunity to not love and worship him, but CHOOSE to anyway. Choice is what God gave us to come back to him, but it is also the downfall for a lot of people. God could have MADE your parents perfect. But they wouldn't have reallly loved you, just had no other choice.

If you still don't have faith, I wish you the best of luck in life. I would suggest going to see a doctor or therapist once you love out of your parents house. This is a big thing to overcome. Don't be afraid to get professional help.

 

Well, some of the things I experience could be hallucinations, but they all seem real to me...but then again, I'm an insomniac, so the whole not sleeping thing probably helps out the mind trips. Some everyday stuff I deal with is hearing people talking to me who aren't actually there when I turn around to respond, and feeling like there's evil things living in my room waiting to take over my body. I also get really moody when my other personalities come out, and they sometimes talk with an English accent for no reason at all.

 

That's a good philosophy to have whether you believe in God (with a capital 'G') or not. Coming from an abusive past like you have, it may seem unfair that you don't have a tangible savior to help you through tough times. But if you accept yourself as your own savior, it makes for a very powerful life. Lonely maybe... but powerful.

The personalities sound a little tricky. I think they are sublimations of your complex self. A shrink would probably try to 'exorcise' them... get them out in the open so you can reconcile them all into one person again.

(Don't listen to that. It's all bull. He has no idea what he's talking about.)

(Shut up, you.)

(Make me.)

(You asked for it, punk...)

 

Yes, I do find it to be a bit lonely, but I've found others like myself right here in my area, so at least I have someone to talk to about it.

As far as getting my personalities together, I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I'll try. Shit, I'm just aprehensive about seeing a professional though, because I don't want to be drugged to cure my problems.

 

That's another great philosophy. If I were you, I'd tend to the insomnia first. Sleep disorder will drive you mad, and it could be the root of some of your problems. Have you tried this:

1. Cut all caffeine and refined sugar.
2. Get a good workout ~4 or 5 pm just before you eat dinner.
3. If you can't sleep, don't try. Get up and read a book or watch TV. It does no good to lie in bed getting pissed.

 

go see a psychologist, not a psychiatrist; they won't put you on drugs because they can't write prescriptions

also, there's lots of other mental illnesses/disorders/conditions that have schizophrenic symptoms, but aren't schizophrenia... so don't be too alarmed... it could be something like insomnia, or post-traumatic stress disorder, or dissociative identity; rather than schizo.... my ex, for example, was a borderline personality disorder and often heard (and saw) things that weren't there. unfortunately, she didn't want help for it and it got way worse.

regardless, a qualified mental health professional is the best choice to finding the right track...

 

I am tired now =P But no sleep for me.

 

You should have asked God to help your parents be softened in their hearts, or to protect you... I don't think that you could understand what he was saying, unless you're Baptised by the Holy Spirit .

 

I was baptized when I was about 5 or so....and I realize now that asking that god for help would have been futile, because he not real.

 

Yes clearly it is her fault for not asking God. If god is good, god wouldn't have allowed it to happen.

Oh wait I don't understand right? is that what you were going to say?(as per your post generator which spews the same random crap over and over)

 

Oh, and by the way ryupower....I DID ask God for help; if you would have actually focused on what you read instead of trying to chime in with your two cents you would have seen that.

 

you can ask God for internal help but not external, i can't ask God to remove the bad things in my life which cause me pain but i can ask God to give me strength to deal with those things.

regardless i am sorry you had suffer that trauma i hope one day you (we all) can move on.

 

The funny part is, the same guy who beat me now tells me he loves me everyday and tries to buy my love with money. I told him to suck my dead dog's nuts. And then I took his money.

 

do you have little worlds that you build in your head that you believe are real? are there flexures from what other people call reality and what you know reality to be? does real life seem like a dream?

A number Schizophrenics believe their delusions are true, I've had friends who were schizophrenic, it was..... interesting