Nice Girls Finish Last

There's a thread in the True Love Forum about nice guys finishing last and I read it and it made me think that it isn't just nice guys, it's nice girls, too. I've noticed this in the lesbian community. The women that are desired are typically intangible or they have issues. It seems, around here anyway, that in order to be desired you must be unkind, shallow, possessive, psychotic, neurotic, etc. But if you are tangible and the complete opposite of these things, then you're overlooked. Funny thing is, when women say what they want out of another woman, they don't list any of those qualities. But that's what they go after!

Real life example: I met a girl a few months ago that I liked and, of course, b/c I was so tangible her interest would go back and forth. I was very nice to her. I put a flower outside her door once, let her borrow my car b/c hers was acting up (this was after I knew her well enough, ha) I was the only friend she had hanging out with her on her birthday. But being the nice girl just doesn't work. She's got some other woman now. I don't think I'll stop being nice and turn in to a cast-iron bitch, but I guess I just wanted to say something about this, since I feel it is so true.

 

My theory is that the most desired women in the lesbian community are the one that possess the most negative male stereotypes. It's quite warped.

 

I think putting yourself out there as the "nice one" makes you undesirable. I'm not a lesbian.. but when I meet guys and see they are trying too hard or being too nice, it just makes me feel like they have a desperate need to be liked.

Worry about yourself and let other people know that you are your top priority. instead of being overly nice.

 

I don't think she's TRYING to be nice. I think she is a genuinely nice girl and in the lesbian community, a lot of girls just dismiss you as a friend.
You think it's a turn on when people have themselves as top priority? That's terrible, I can't stand conceited people that are too caught up with themselves to see the world around them, definitely not a turn on...

 

Ha, yeah I don't TRY to be nice. That's just how I am. It's an Aquarian trait that I'll never be rid of. I have enough confidence in myself, however, to avoid being taken advantage of. I was speaking of the hypocrisy in most women when they say they desire one type of woman then go after the complete opposite, then they complain about it!

 

eh. for me, I just realized a long time ago that most people are shite. and not worth the time/energy of being nice to.

I'm not conceited by any means. if anyone was in a rough spot and needed somewhere to stay or a meal to eat, I'd definitely help them out. I just don't go out of my way to do 'nice' things because it's just not who I am.

 

I'm sorry you feel like that prissbaby. I think at our core, we are all nice people, but we get clouded with everything physical and become cruel to each other. There are people that exist that are truely kind and are not just "faking it". There is a difference between someone whos nice and someones whos charming. Charm is a character trait that is used to manipulate others by putting up a front, very different than someones genuine authentic self.

 

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Funny how you say you are an Aquarius, I am too. And I was completely fucked over by a bitch of a girl (I won't say lesbian, because at this point, I have no idea). And you know what? Even though she's still a bitch and a half, I still have a "thing" for her. But I know when she's at her best and in a good mood (again, another coin toss with that one) she's a lovely person, and the person I was originally attracted to.

I'm sorry you got the short end of the stick in that relationship. One day you'll meet someone who understands what they have, and don't let it go. But yeah, I've noticed this sort of trend in lesbians too, even in myself. And I most certainly don't do it on purpose.

 

I think women, in general, do not know what they want. I think I could probably be included in that. I naturally respond to kindness as long it isn't borderline obsessiveness or
insanity. But if you are a kind, genuine person, you're usually overlooked or your intentions are mis-read.

 

I think women want what they cant have. If you act not interrested, women tend to try and get your attention. Once you got them hooked thats when you show them niceness and give them a sexually romantic flare that the want. But this does take time to do. It's like playing chess with a passion. You have to think ahead before you make a move and anticipate how the outcome will be. What yall think, ladies?

 

That has never, ever worked with me! Haha! Acting aloof and disinterested, in my experience, has just made women go away and look elsewhere for a woman that doesn't play games. B/c that's all acting that way is - a game. Maybe I'll get lucky and find a woman that appreciates how I am, but until then.......

 

lol some times, I know few ppl who does it or does it w/o knowing. For me Im naturally shy and I would never be able to approach a girl but I've observed this game. I wrote a story with a girl using this game and in the end it backfires. But its intriguing to meet ppl who still use this game plus few others.

 

I think people have the tendency to equate niceness with boringness.

And lesbians just love drama... Or so it seems...

 

I think the attraction comes from two different things that the female of the species likes.

The first is confidence. Self-confidence is really attractive. I think we have trouble sometimes distinguishing between people who have actual self confidence and those who cover up their self doubt by acting overly self assured.

I think, as women, we also see people as projects. This is probably a bad habit. We want to believe that we can turn the bad girl good, get the player out of the game, etc. Then we are disappointed when we find out that we can't change them. We often put the blame on them, but we knew from the beginning what they were really like.

Perhaps if we all start off with enough confidence we won't fall for the "bad" girls, and we will attract the "good" ones.

 

I agree that this is a common game played by men and women of all sexual persuasions, but it is a good point. When one seems to be too nice we may interpret it as compensation, trying too hard, or fake. We are a very jaded society. If someone is aloof, we may find them interesting. We like the challenge or the thrill of the chase.

I had a friend who was one of those 'super nice' people, but after an evening with her you could tell she was trying to win over people, and buy friends. She would treat everyone around her to alcohol and drinks in a blatant attempt to buy their friendship. Smoke people up all the time. Etc. Etc. Then go home and complain about how much money she spends. On the other end of the spectrum, my current girlfriend is the sweetest, nicest, most caring person I know. To everyone, not just me or her good friends. She's just a generally good person. But she's also shy and withdrawn, and very very aloof.

 

I think the women who carry a false indifference get old after a while.

I don't try too hard, I just do the right thing. I am who I am on the inside as well as the outside. I don't play games or fuck around.

You're right about the whole project thing. You can't change another person - that's their own personal evolution and you can't fuck with it.

 

I totally aggree you cant change person, they will eventually change on their own will. I recently broke up with my gf of 5 years and a half, she is also my first gf so I havent been in the lesbian dating seen yet. Im not really looking , mostly looking for friends...as of right now Im working on myself and just finding myself again. Its a very long story but I guess Im going through a personal evolution. Im mostly shy person but when I feel confident I would be blunt and say "I like you." But other than that I observe ppl play games with others.

 

What happens when a Aquarian who is true 2 her sign has a blind date, a Aries who is also true 2 her sign? A wonderful partnership !! Yes, that is what happened 2 my partner, Lisa (Aquarian) n myself, So, my lovely women, never give up being the nice girl!!
Ps.
our 1 st date was june 24th, 2006

 

I completely agree with asynchronicity. I don't think it's really about how you act. I'm definitely an anxious-to-be-nice person, but I think that may be only when I'm really looking. I think the best relationships that come around take you by surprise and catch you when you're not trying at all.

For example, I met this chick while I was crazy infatuated with another, and I invited them both over one day in the hopes that the one I was crazy-infatuated with would be the only one who could make it. However, the plan backfired and it was the other chick who came, and not the object of my affection. I suppose I was completely myself around this girl, because I didn't feel like I had anything to get out of it. I was self-confident with her where I was COMPLETELY insecure around the other (who was straight anyway, and I knew it). Inadvertently, over the course of a few weeks, I fell madly in love with the Other Chick. THEN I was anxious to be nice to her, and at that point it was appropriate and well-received.

I've actually stopped caring full-time and acutely about being single at the moment. I don't know how, because I tried to convince myself that I shouldn't worry about it so much for a while, but one day it suddenly happened, and I stopped caring. WAYYY easier that way.