my mother owns me.

I feel like my mom controls me. no place is sacred. she wants to decorate my room, because it's the first thing people see when they walk in. she won't let me get dreadlocks, she threatens to shave my head if i do. she won't let me pierce my eyebrow, nose, even my ear more than twice!! she controls what i do with my body and that makes me angry. it feels like there is nothing i can do that she can't control. i can't dread, i can't pierce, i can't even LIVe in the environment i so desire. that reeeaaallly pisses me off. i mean like REEEAAALLLY. i just want to do something she can't control. she's abrasive and when i do something to get her attention, to let her know there's a problem she yells at me for poor behavior, she calls said action ridiculous, and doesn't wonder why i did it. do i have to cut myself to get her attention? will she even care? what do i have to do to let her know that her control over me is unnacceptable?

I've tried talking to her and her responses vary from " i'm not letting you look like a freak/pothead/waif" to " i like to look at you and you're not going to ruin that for me", to " dreads are so poserish if you're not rasta". mostlly i get an " i don't care- be as mad as you want. * insert real condescending voice* you're still my widdle baby, now go get me some water"

 

how old are you?

 

your 4 years old.......dam kids these days grow up so fast

 

hehe, i'm 14

 

Anyways, if you're still living with your mom, she does have some control over your life no matter what you do. I would try to talk to her as rationally as possible - avoid yelling or crying or calling each other names. About the room thing, explain to her that it's your private place and it's no one else's business what it looks like (how is it the first place they see btw? Does the front door lead into it, or what? If it's right off of the main entrance, close your door when company's coming over)

As for dreads and piercings, well... if you're under 18 and she says no piercings, it's no piercings for you m'girl. There's no avoiding that. Maybe if you offer to pay for it, and ask for just one funky one (ie nose piercing.... with that, you can get little glitter stickers and wear them every day where you would have a real piercing, to get them used to the idea of it... that's how I got my nosed pierced when I was 16. Took me 3 months of politely asking, wearing it, and offering to pay for it on my own)

For the dreads, what if you talked her through the process of taking care of them. It's not like you just don't wash your hair these days - there's a lot of products available to take care of your hair - it can be in dreads and still be as clean or cleaner than straight hair.

Remember... every teenager has conflict with their parents. Something about semi-rebellious girls and their mothers always result in the biggest conflicts as far as I can tell (really rebellious girls don't care about the conflict). This is perfectly normal, as much as it sucks.

 

ah thanks. i try to be so rational about everything, but she just doesn't care. she refuses to let herself see where i'm coming from, and it makes me mad. recently, her best friend/ my aunt ( they aren't really related) stole my sisters car. we find out later she is a crackhead, and had been lying to us for years. this is followed immediately by the death of my bird and my great gramma. i asked if maybe i could go to a psychologist or a therapist or someone to kinda help me work through this and she said " no, you're fine". WTF?


i feel like she doesn't want to care. all my friends love her, blah blah blah, but i really wish she'd relax a little on the whole control of my body thing. i have explained in great depth the process of dreadmaking and care, she doesn't want to know.


After thinking about this whole thing, coupled with some things she's said i have an idea- We are extremely mixed, with black being a large part of my mothers heritage. she grew up on the southside of chicago, and she worked so hard to get out of the ghetto and get to here, the jewel of the NW suburbs. she also mentioned that only black people should have dreads and i'm not black so there. i think she just doesn't want that part of me to be brought out and openly displayed,even though it has nothing to do with it really. does this make any sense at all?

 

couldn't have said it better. sorry snelio, you're still a minor and trust me... MOST OF US HAD TO GO THROUGH HELL BEFORE WE BECAME ADULTS.
it sucks. it's painful. it's hard but it's life and you have to go through it.
i hate that we have to go through hard times but it's just the way it is, dearie.
good luck

 

you'll get through it. most of us do.

 

When I was 18 (and moved out) my father told me I was NOT to have my tongue pierced in his house (read: I had to take it out when I visited my parents). Which, I obliged because it was their house and I respected their rules. I'm sure that getting pierced and everything else is much more appealing to you because she forbids it...but I understand.

With regards to how your room is decorated, perhaps you two could get together and redecorate in a way that suits both of you? How does it look now? And what would you like to do with it?

I understand how you want to feel more independant right now. And it'll get a lot worse throughout your high school years, trust me. Just remember, your mom is realizing that you are growing up..maybe too fast...hell, my daughters are almost 6 and almost 2 and I think that THEY are growing up too fast!! In four years you can move out and do whatever your heart desires. It really isn't that long! Within a month of turning 18, I got a tattoo and pierced my tongue (it was a big deal back then!). You have your whole life ahead of you to live how you want. Let your mom keep her little girl for just a little while longer (to a reasonable extent, of course!)

 

i suppose you all are right, it's time to renovate myself to keep the outsides matching the insides, and it's just not working. thanks you all.

 

heh, I'm still not grown up. I mean, I'm far more mature than I was at 16, but I'm still not grown up... I did live on my own last year (moved out at 17, w00t), got a tattoo, worked 30 hours a week ontop of university full time. It makes you more of an adult, but still not htere 100%.

er, back to the original thread... I can't really offer any advice other than try to be rational, don't yell, and just bring it up every now and then without constantly nagging/fighting about it.

 

hell no.. i'm not either.. i'm just saying "legally" hehe. i'm definitely a child at heart <3

 

my mom doesnt want me to get dreads either

 

yes the umbilical cord was cut years ago and that makes you, your own person but until you are 18 AND living in your own house then your parents will control most of your life...sorry

 

As long as my kids live in MY house, I'll call the shots until they're 18 years old.

While I do believe in letting a child express themselves and not breaking their natural spirit, I have the right as a parent to decide that I want and don't want them doing. It's the role of being a parent, and "unfortunately" for the kids, it's something they have to endure until they are old enough to do otherwise.

Hugs.

 

I will say that I would have no problem whatsoever if my children wanted to dye their hair every color of the rainbow, pierce body parts, or things of that nature as it's simply a form of self-expression. As long as it's not hurting anyone then there's no harm in letting them express themselves. Of course, there comes a point where you have to draw the line, such as offensive clothing (meaning, vulgar laungage on it, or minimal coverage) But, other than that, I say let them be creative. Usually it's just a phase anyhow.

Hugs.

 

hey at least she doesn't beat you, or not let you use the internet or the phone, or throw boiling water in your face.


be thankful for what you have, and having your own room and being allowed to use the internet already puts you way ahead of the majority of the globe. i think you've gathered that now from this thread though chin up, try not to concentrate on what you're not getting and just think about all you have.

and btw my mom hasn't ever said she wouldn't "let" me have dreads (i am 21 and have lived out on my own since i was 19), but i do value and respect her opinion, and for the most part she has always been right - and, like it or not, dreads would have drastically hurt me in most of my academic and occupational pursuits, and i'm glad she's helped me keep that in mind. of course you may have (and probably do have!) totally different life goals from me hehe ..

but anyway.. i'm just kinda rambling now.. love your mommy, mommies are awesome

 

My mom wouldn't let me get a second hole in my ear when I was 14 either and now at 23 I rarely wear earings in my first one. Your mom wants you to look acceptable because in the real world it's hard to be succesfull without looking like mainstream society. I'm 23 and moved back home and in doing so I knew that I needed to be respectful of my moms ideas opinions ect so I have empathy for you but not sympathy. when you move out you can mutalate your body all you want.

 

My parents thought girls had to have long hair and told me if I cut my own hair then they would shave me bald (yeah right, that makes no sense). If they loved long hair so much then there was no way they would shave it all off. My dad stopped talking to me once for couple weeks when I made bangs & trimmed off a few inches. But I figured that it was my hair on my own head and I was the only one who had to put up with it 24/7. When my daughter was 18 1/2 and actually did shave her head, my mother thought I was nuts for letting her...till I reminded her of what she said to me years ago. (yes my daughter's hair did grow back)
I also had to wait to get my ears pierced on my 18th birthday as my parents said I didn't need them. Now I hardly even wear earrings.

 

if it makes anyone feel better, i'm 20 years old and my father isn't speaking to me, becuase he wants me to continue to go to school, but i decided to take time off.

things will balance out sooner or later. i wish you the best!