My fiance has been lying to me for two years and I'm not sure how I should handle it.

Hey everyone, here goes my first post.

So my fiance and I have been together for roughly two years and I find out about a week ago that she's been lying to me for the entirety of that time. I haven't confronted her about it yet as I don't want to drive her away, I just want to know "why."

When I we first started dating she told me that she had two kids, and I'm thinking "okay, cool, no big thing" as I have a one myself. I ask her, out of curiosity (nothing more), whether her kiddies were from the same guy or had different dads. She told me they were from the same guy, this, I now know, is not the case.

I sorta suspected something when the youngest kid's dad would come to pick him up for visitation and pay very little mind to the oldest. Most times they wouldn't even acknowledge each others presence , which she never seemed to mind. So I would occasionally, very calmly ask her "are you absolutely sure Tony and Brian have the same dad" to which she would respond "yeah, my parents don't really like their dad so they played a part in driving him away from Tony when he was first born. Because of that, they've never really had a relationship, but he's trying to make it work with the Brian."

Okay, I bought it, for the most part. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Whatever.

Fast forward a year, maybe more (to a week ago). I'm with a buddy of mine at this older lady's house who I don't really know (he buys pot from her). I see above the mantle she has two pictures hanging, one small and one a bit larger. The larger picture is that of a young, very familiar looking kid, in fact it was as if I had seen the picture before. The other one was of a guy that looked just like the kid.

So I asked the lady "if you don't mind my askin, who are these pictures of, family?" She responded, "yep, that's my grandson Tony, that picture's a few years old though, haven't seen him since. The other is his dad and my boy, Ryan, he's constantly in and out of jail, ugh..."

Ding! I knew I had seen that picture before! I had seen it at my fiance's mom's house, hanging on the wall.

So how the hell do I deal with this? How do I even bring it up? What kind of reaction should I expect? Why would she lie? What else has she lied about? We don't fight, we get along great, the sex is just... out there, we have quite a bit in common, we more or less live together, we even have a wedding date set, and then there's this....

What the hell am I supposed to do? This is (was), until this, the best relationship I've been in. We just gel. But now I feel both angry, and hurt that she didn't tell me this and that she further lied about it, I mean, I told her it didn't matter to me either way. I can't marry her until she comes clean, as I can't deal with lies like that. I feel like it's a joke that everyone's been in on but me. She's turned me into a liar, to both my friends and family.

Somebody please help me... I feel so lost.

 

Seriously fucked up man... My first response to reading the title was to dump her ass... and parts of me still say that... for the very reason you said...

However... if you have no problems with your relationship outside this issue, then talk to her...

Simple as that... Don't play games, don't beat around the bush, tell her what you found out just like you told us, and see what happens...

Perhaps she feels ashamed about having an ex thats in jail? Perhaps she thinks you will? Maybe he was abusive to her and she blocked it all out?

Nobody here knows these answers...

 

Ask her again, calmly explain what you found out, then really listen to her answer.

The child may not even know and there may be reasons for that. It does not excuse someone not telling you the truth but you do not yet know possibly everything.

Then decide what is best for all of you.

 

Seriously, whats the big fuckin deal?

The eldest kids dad is a crim so she keeps him and you away from that family

And she didnt tell you the kids where from different fathers cos you were going to judge, and the eldest kid was keeping this from you too, obviously not comfortable sharing

Grow some balls and deal

 

How old are the both of you and how old are the kids?

Well, this is indicative of her character any way you look at it. How did she think you would not find out? The kid has to know! You have to decide whether or not you want to be with her after you know she lied, regardless of what her response is when she fesses up. Then, don't hide anything (since this is the type of behavior in questions) just tell her what happened and ask her what the hell is up. I don't know why she'd lie. Maybe she was embarrassed, which is unlikely in my mind. Maybe it has something to do with the fact the real father is in jail. I don't know...

 

I wasn't going to judge. It doesn't matter to me either way. They could be Saddam Hussein's long lost kids and I wouldn't have cared. I was hers the moment we first introduced ourselves, before I even knew she had kids; that's something I'd never felt about anyone else. And her boys are awesome by the way.

It's the lie factor. She lied to my face multiple times, repeatedly. Here, I'll boldface it again so you don't miss it this time: she lied!

 

he gives bad advice, don't mind him

 

I'm 27 and she's 26. My daughter is 9, and her boys are 8 and 4, respectively.

 

Haha, okay.

 

I'd just bring it up as Tom and Heat said man. It's very likely that she didn't want to expose you to that guy/ that part of her old life and perhaps she even felt ashamed of it. People lie about things they're ashamed of, that doesn't make them bad people.

I'd bring it up calmly and see what she says. Perhaps she had your best interest in mind.

Althought the trust factor would need to be worked on after this, if it turns out that is why she wasn't telling you, that's no reason to throw away a good relationship, which it sounds like you have.

 

I would just go up to her. Look her right in the eyes, and say enough of the lies and the bullshit. I want to know everything. And have a long talk that gets everything out, every single thing. Because if you dont it will just snowball and you will always have it in the back of your head

 

yeah, maybe you should say. i know that you lied. maybe then she'll confess the other stuff she's probably lied about.

 

Oh yea, that's a good route too. That way maybe she'll unintentionally confess to other shit, if there is any.

 

shoot that bitch in the face.

 

If you ask her why she lied and she gives you a reason that you could relate to and maybe even emphathize with, would it make it easier for you to understand and forgive?

It wasn't right for her to lie, but there may be a reason for it that in her head swallowed everything else and justified the lie, somehow.

i recommend giving her the benefit of the doubt. Dont attack her, don't come at her in a confrontational manner that will make her clam up. Just simply ask her and be receptive to her answer, then make your decision.

 

Yep, that's the plan, though how I should go about it without coming off as confrontational has me stumped.

 

How about * I was at XXXX house the other day and noticed a picture...........

 

Just straight up ask her why she lied about it. But retain a calm and composed manner. Don't get mad and try to sympathize with her if she was legitimately ashamed of it.

 

Oh, and you've never lied to her?

Everybody lies

And in this case it seems she lied to protect the kids


To me its sounds a bit childish on your part.

Imagine how this eldest feels, everytime the other dad comes around the little one gets attention, he doesnt. Hides it from you cos he's embarrassed.

Eldest kid sounds more mature than you

 

I guess some men expect their future wives not to lie about rather important things for two years...........as crazy and silly as that sounds