Me and my friend, help

Please I really need some help here..

For a whole bunch of reasons I feel very strongly that my best friend has dumped me now that she has her first boyfriend...

I realise that my feelings are so strong because of my struggle with abandonmentproblems, I've come a long way in getting over them, but I'm not there yet and I doubt I ever will..

Anyway, after emailing back and forth she says she hasn't dumped me for him but that I won't believe her anyway, and that she doesnt feel like she's in a Christine-relationship while I do (Christine is a friend of ours who doesn't have a life or any friends at all, just her bf, and me and my friend used to criticise that) (and.. my friend is the one who told me that she's becoming a lot like Christine - but that she understands now..) and that we've grown apart.

Also, I have been in the same place with my first boyfriend, kind of dumping my friends including her. She was really angry with me back then, but we worked it out. I told her that, and she said the situations can't be compared. While I'm sure they can, I used to have a very weak Self at 16, she still does now, I lost myself completely in my bf, I see her doing the same. She's telling me I'm biased because of my bad experiences, while I feel much more like I want to help her, having the experiences that I have. She only feels offended. How am I communicating so badly?!

So, what am I to do?

I feel as if she is not acknowledging my feelings, and that she's not even getting it (but she says she does..). I could give many many examples of the things she does that make me feel like I'm dumped, but she'll get defensive. She even asked me why I don't want her to be happy.. wtf. And she says that she's minding her own business when it comes to my bf as well (telling me to mind my own business.. plus it has really hurt me that she didn't show any interest in my bf!).

And.. she's kind of contradicting herself. How can you first say
-you kind of have a point
-and I get the point
-but you know that this is how people get in new relationships
-and I'm not doing it on purpose
-and I've always been like this only before him it was my parents I clung to
-this is new for me
-I try to miss him less but I can't
-I feel like I don't have any friends anymore
And then say
-I didn't dump you
-your reaction is just to one 'incident'
-and what she's basically saying: I don't want to change

I'm getting really depressed over this. Cause I told her "what more can I say when you don't want to change" and she said "fine" and that was it, I thought yeah fine indeed, but then later I emailed her back because I realised fuck, I don't wanna lose her.. But I really don't know what to do or say anymore

 

i guess it depends on how much time youre demanding/expecting. what if the three of you hung out together more often? my best friend, her bf and i will hang out fairly often, or else her, me and my bf will (and obviously all 4 of us at times as well)... especially if one of us is meeting our beau later and us two girls are hanging out, sometimes well do lunch with the guy in question or have coffee and hang out or whatever

i mean, especially if this relationship is pretty new, of course shes gonna want to spend time with him. you cant covet her all on your own, you gotta share her and her time with other people. why not rent a movie and wathc it together, or go for coffee, or just mellow at your house with both of them sometime?

 

Sweetie i know exactly how you feel. I know you probably feel hurt an betrayed.. but what ive come to realize is that certain people really do change when in a serious relationship. these be weak-willed individuals let their boyfriends determine who they are, but eventually they realize that you will be there long after they break up and regret having ever neglected you as a friend. but its hard because in this case you dont know when to just cut your losses. i say you should not lose any sleep over it, and just wait and see if her behavior contiues. and if it does you should ask yourself if she was really that great a friend in the first place.

 

cool thanks
you're so right about the weak-willed individuals.. I was one once, and I can't stand people doing the same now.. but I guess I can't get them to learn from my experiences, they have to learn from their own.
I told her that I'm over it. not that I am but because she's told me that she hasn't dumped me for him, so now I'll just wait and see..!
thanks for understanding!
allonym thanks for the reply. it sounds like a good solution, but to be honest I'm pissed off at this dude for stealing my friend from me, also, me and my friend are very different really and from what she's told me I feel like he fits really well with all her qualities that don't fit me too well, don't think we would get along well enough to hang out..

 

Dudette, you're totally over analysing the situation. Your friend wants to spends time with her boyfriend and you feel left out. She doesn't acknowledge your feelings because for her, nothing has changed between the two of you except time.

Listen, when you have a good friend in your life - it doesn't matter what happens to the relationship throughout time.

My parents will run into an old friend from 20 years ago, and it's like their relationship picked up right from when they last saw each other. Good friendships are like that. It doesn't matter what the other person has been doing in their life, how busy they are, how much their lives have changed, but whenever two people come together to share the special friendship that they have - it's timeless.

Honestly, it's not worth the heartache of blaming yourself for changes in your friends' lives. Life happens. Life changes. So be happy for your friend and happy about your self for having such a great relationship that it doesn't matter how many boyfriends come into your best friend's life. Come what may.

Best wishes.

 

BrokenJohnny thanks for the analysis but I'm not in highschool, hell you're just 4 years older than me..
About the rest, I know I'm right, but I'm still trying to make it work, someday when I feel less hurt I will anyway..

 

It's really sad when that happens, and it does all the time. Sorry it hapened to you.

I definitely agree with what Allonym said, there's no reason they shouldn't want to hang out with each-others' friends. I've had boyfriends that wanted to be around me and ONLY me, all the time, and it didn't last long... I couldn't stand it. When my husband and I first met, right off the bat, it was like "You're gonna love my friends!" ...for both of us. And we did get along really well with each-others' friends, one of my friends' families (they call me their long-lost daughter/sister) has accepted him into their family, and his best friend has self-esteem and depression issues, and I'm the one he can come to and talk about anything and everything, because he feels more comfortable talking to a female.
But you do have to realize, the relationship is new. And if it lasts longer than, say, 2-3 months, I'd be questioning what kind of relationship they're in. Whether they're that into each-other, or if they're both (or one of them) jealous and don't want the other hanging out with their friends. I've seen that happen a lot, and it doesn't end nicely for anyone.

"My parents will run into an old friend from 20 years ago, and it's like their relationship picked up right from when they last saw each other. Good friendships are like that. It doesn't matter what the other person has been doing in their life, how busy they are, how much their lives have changed, but whenever two people come together to share the special friendship that they have - it's timeless."

That's also very true, and I'm happy to have a lot of friends like that, too. The second my husband and I meet each-others' older friends, it's like they're automatically family again... I accept his friends, he accepts mine. They're very different groups of people, but we all get along great because I know they've treated him so well in the past, and vice versa with him meeting my friends. I see the same thing with my dad and stepmom, and when my stepdad was around, it was the same thing with him and my mom. Real friends are never forgotten, but sometimes, they do get seperated and lost with time.