Lying about past experiences?

My fiance hasn't had much experience (that I know of). He had one girlfriend, and one single sexual experience before me.

Now, he says he doesn't remember who his first kiss is, or anything about the one sexual experience he had. I just think that's weird. I have more experience but I remember everything about my first kiss and my first time having sex.

He says after his ex cheated on him, he didn't want to be a virgin anymore and didn't think he'd find anyone else so he just met someone on a phone chat line and met up and fucked her. He's NOT the type of person who would do something like this so I'm confused as to why he'd do it or why he'd not remember it at all. Is he lying about it happening at all? Or does he just not want to tell me? He's asked and I've told him everything about my past and it kind of bothers me he won't reciprocate.

 

He's ashamed or self-conscious or something, and is uncomfortable being asked about it?

He totally remembers it....

I mean, maybe he's blocked it, and sort-of telling the truth, and doesn't want to think about/remember it. Or, on the other end of the spectrum, maybe he's totally lying to you, and you're number fifty billion. Who knows?

That was a rhetorical question, by the way. He knows. But pressuring him aggressively will only make him deny it more.

Even if he might be comfortable talking about it in some situations, now that he's said that, it will make it a LOT harder to change his story.

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, it's odd that you're having this issue with your fiance. Especially if he's your fiance at the age of 21.

I'm your age, and I fuckin' well remember my first kiss.... and considerably more than JUST who. And my first proper sexual encounter, despite being pretty drunk at the time. Even if it's no big deal and you keep going about your life, it's not like you just forget it.


Another option is you're it. I mean, I did lie that my first kiss was not my first kiss, at the time. Though I think, years later, I admitted (to said first kisser) that it was. Maybe this is the big-kid version of that.

 

I haven't pressured him aggressively. I've asked him about it maybe three times in our whole relationship and he says the same thing. My intuition tells me he's lying (about whether it happened at all or just whether he remembers it) but I don't know why. He knows I love him no matter what and we've actually expressed to each other that we wished we had been each other's first. I don't judge him so I wish he would tell me the truth.

He fibs about things a lot..Not so much fibs as just omitting information he doesn't want to tell me. And he thinks it's not lying but it really bothers me.

 

Drop The Subject And Get On With

Your Life Before You Damage The Relationship...



Cheers Glen.

 

I haven't brought it up again because I kind of already know he's lying. I thought if I asked some guys here maybe they could explain it to me so I could let it go. I don't want nor do I plan to bring it up to him again because it wouldn't go anywhere.

Thanks for the input though

 

Is he not telling you things that directly concern you/your relationship or is he not sharing as much of his personal information with you as you would like?

You do have all the relevant information about his past sex life: he didn't have much experience (good or bad), he doesn't have any children (I assume) and he's clean (hopefully).

What does it matter who, where and how many times? He will tell you bits and pieces of it when he feels comfortable with you. Trust will come gradually. How long have you been together?

 

The sexual history isn't the greatest option for a conversation in any relationship. =p

 

My bet's the thing never happened, he's still a virgin, but doesn't want you to know about it, probably because he feels this sets him up at a disatvantage. I did the same thing with my first girl, but that was because she'd made abundently clear that what she liked about me was how 'mature' I was in comparison to 'all the other boys she'd ever been with', which considering she was a seventeen year old Vanessa Paradis look-alike in the prime lush sexiness, I didn't doubt were more than a couple. Of course we never got into a relationship-relationship, let alone got engaged: we just had wild teenage sex all summer long, so perhaps my story has little bearing on your situation, so I'll just say that from the perspective of the guy, it's psychologically uncomfortable to be the inexperienced one in a sex relationship.

 

It's an extremely important conversation to have in any serious relationship. Sexual history is an important facet of character history. Considering you are about to become part of this person's sexual history, it would behoove you to know what line of actions you are about to join, especially if this relationship is in any way serious.

 

Why do women care about the past never understood that , maybe i'm just a prude

 

I agree with the virgin theory. It sounds like he's being vague because it never happened. It would probably be wise just to drop it. If he's lying it's only out of embarrassment.

 

It should bother you. I think it's scary that you are going to marry this man and he won't be open and honest about his sexual history with you. Does that not raise a red flag? I don't even mean regarding the content of the sexual history, for all we know he was a virgin before you, and that's why he's embarrassed to speak about it. It's a trust issue. WHY is he embarrassed to talk about it with the woman he wants to MARRY and spend his life with? Is it really so embarrassing if you are his first? There is some trust thing going on here and frankly I wouldn't get married before it's resolved, you have no idea what you're getting into at this point. If he's not even going to talk to you about his sexual history then what else won't he talk to you about? Explain to him that this is a trust issue and is ultimately a make it or break it deal, how can you be with him forever and be open and honest with him if he won't do the same.

We are who we are today because of who we were yesterday, and this will all shape who we are tomorrow. Just because something happened "in college", the magical land of no consequences or reflection on character, doesn't mean it's irrelevant to who you are as a person. Someone who is uncomfortable talking about their past, has a good reason to be so, and if you're in a serious relationship with this person, this concerns you greatly.

 

Writer, I agree about not getting married in that situation, but I wouldn't put it to him like that, it couldn't make anything better.

Think from his point of view. Things in the relationship have probably changed since he said that, but he said it, and it IS a big thing, he can't really just say oh by the way, I lied about sex -- would make for interesting pillow talk, no?

As for his initial motive, ehh if you haven't done it having sex is sort of a big deal, and sort of scary, and a very self-conscious thing. It's not hard to see how it might make more short-term sense from his point of view to make up one previous time, so that he's not expected to be experienced, but he's also in the club, so to speak. From there he can bluff and learn.

I'm not saying it's a good way of doing it, but I'm saying it's not hard to understand how it happened, and how it's really hard to go back on it.

 

I agree with some of what Mr. Writer said but I don't think it's a dealbreaker honestly. I'm kind of going with the idea that he was probably a virgin when we had sex the first time. I mean he didn't even know what to do...I guess he doesn't think it's significant enough to go back and tell the truth because it doesn't change anything.

I know pretty much everything about his past, but his sexual past is the only thing he's "foggy" on. He has a big thing about wanting to feel like a man, so maybe it's just an ego thing where he doesn't like that I have more history than he does.

 

Sounds like the case.

 

I think knowing a little of each others past before the I do's is important so that you get it out of the way.....if you dont then after you get married it will come up and then there is a chance of knowing to much or not knowing enough and then you end up splitting up and in divorce....you should sit down and sort things out....for me as a women I let things eat at me when I have unanswered questions....I wish you all the best!

 

just keep at him about it over the next ten years, like everyday, until he finally admits the truth

 

He was either a virgin or the one person he was with was a hooker.

 

I have the same feelings/concerns as Mr. Writer on this one. It is not about whether he is a virgin or whether he has screaming orgies before he met you. It is about trust and transparency. And, you said it bothers you so you know of what we are referring. (I'm sure you won't have judgment on what his sexual activity or lack thereof was - it is the fact that he can't be open with the person whose life he shares)

When I was seriously starting a relationship with a woman who had a similarly long list of prior sexual partners, I was quite open about my relationship with a man. She was cool with that. I just believe in being open and appreciate the same from any partner I may have. Trust is a very important issue.

 

Agree with this 100 percent. The past is the past and should remain there, however, you have implied he is not generous with the truth and omits things a lot of the time - this needs sorting BEFORE marriage otherwise it will breed discontentment and resentment eventually.