Hi! I'm new here and, well, I'm kind of shy and the best way I can think of to sort of break the ice and get me into the mix is to post something I've written and ask for some feedback. I know it's not all that good, but it's mine and it means alot to me. I'm just wondering what you think. I love getting people's opinions on my writing, so, please, if you have any criticism, good, bad, constructive, or not, let me know. Tell me what you think. Landscape ------------------ Alarm is buzzing. Head is aching. And light stabs through That fissure space between sill and shade. White draping itself over my face, I can see it Glowing Through the veil of clenched eyelids. There is no silence here. The bedside clock refuses to cease It’s incessant shrieking. It burns in my head Like poison in weathered veins. The sun demands My obedience And wretched technology conspires with And concedes to provide Assistance to that celestial emperor. What strategies Of dawn are these, Vile and murderous? A plot to slit The delicate throats Of all my dreams And leave their broken husks to wither, Unseen and unheard in subtle death, Decaying on the landscape Of pillows stained With tears and shorn memories. How many deaths Dreams have died At the callous hands of morning. ------------------ That's it. Anyway, thanks. Peace.
great poem! I know those sentiments all too well, as that's a very familiar scene. I really liked the tone this one had... it was all too appropriate and spiteful. Perfect.
Good stuff, but it seemed like the beginning of a poem. Like, you should have kept going. Ok, so the alarm went off...then what? Don't think I'm being harsh or mean, I just think this could be more. Good style though, it captured me.
i liked it.... reminded me of something by niedecker i read recently, "what a horror to awake at night,/ and in the dimness see the light". anyhow, thanks, and welcome to the forums. i love your name, btw. peace, sophia
