its time to be honest

i dont know what the fuck is going on in my life.
i really need to go to bed, since i'll regret saying all of this later, even though it's all the damn truth.
for some reason i see myself as being murdered some time in my later 20s-early 30s.
i cheat, i cheat, oh yes, i cheat.
i cry even when im not sad.
i should probably take a shower.
i have a sick mind.
sometimes i wonder if there really is a god, and get scared thinking about the possibility of going to hell.
im cynical as all hell.
i dont like any of my friends at all.
all i want to do is sit locked inside my room listening to music and painting..
then again, i also want to take photos.
i just want to be by myself in almost every situation, except for the fact that i want one person to spend the rest of my life with.
i like geeks.
i cant help it that i like geeks.
im selfish.
i eat then i feel bad for eating so then i eat basically one thing the following day.
i'm crazzzzzzyyyyyy...
i hate the human species.
i want to move to another country when im older, and just take photos; one after the other.
i hate myself, and think i deserve a lot of shitty things to happen to me.
i dont stand up for myself. i let people walk all over me.
i dont care how crappy my health is.
ive considered doing drugs before once, just so i could conform and not try to resist what everyone else was almost forcing me to do.
i dont really think about anyone else but myself, usually.
i would kill nick if it wasnt illegal. im not even joking.
i feel that some people really, truly deserve to die.
i strongly dislike pro-life people.
i really love pills.
i like cutting things.
i need medication for my depression, but ive been told that i dont *actually* have depression. whatever that means.
i fall in love too easily.
i let people manipulate me.
i wish i was pretty.
i wish i wasnt me.
i dont like knowing everything about the meat industry. it disturbs me that human beings can be so sick, and im ashamed to be human.
im starting to lose faith in my political party.
ive actually partly agreed with the republicans on one issue once.
im tired.


your turn

 

im scared

 

i'm afriad that one day i'll take my own life

 

im scared of dyin in a gutter, cold and alone

 

i'm afraid of dying alone with no one to ever love...
i'm afraid love isn't real
i'm afriad i've never loved before
i cannot trust myself
i want to end my pain tonight
i want someone to love
i want to fulfill myself somehow
i want to make my parents happy
i want to be happy
i want to live in a commune
i want to pierce my septum
i want to meet marilyn manson
i want to love someone
i want to know that i am in love
i want to trust myself

 

i dont think __ understands the depth of my feelings for him.
i wish someone loved me.
i'm crying right now.
i depressed myself.
i think everything would be better if i was dead.
i want to give up.
i think i might give up.
i need someone to just hug me.

 

i need a hug
i wish i didn't dislike _____
i wish i really knew ____ so i didn't dislike her
i think ********** is an attention whore
i think george hates me
i think i need a shot of vodka
i want some beer

 

im not crying anymore.
i needed to cut myself to make it stop. . .

 

You know I don't like to read that.

 

You know what you should do tomorrow? Go take pictures. Just all day long. Walk until you find something. Go deep in the woods and find something old and decaying and capture a few moments in time. Live throught that Goddamn camera lens, girl, if you have to. Make Cartier-Brisson proud, and make a fool out of Meatyard.

 

heheh. i have to shoot my final exam for photography tomorrow

 

Blow your teacher out of the fucking water with it, then. I wish I had actually learned something from my Photo class...That was such a waste of a credit.

 

FreeBird1969 (I still haven't learned your name ), GET ON AIM!!!!

 

what did I do?????... Her name is krystin.



I gotta get away
gotta get outta here......

 

I almost had a breakdown today with that thought. I hate it here in suburb hell. Driving home took me 45 minutes when it's a 10 minute drive going there when there is no traffic. I'm going insane in this place. I need some fresh mountain air. And that's as damn honest as it gets, mountain air is the only cure for me

 

I hate this suburbian hell.
And George, you did nothing, I just feel like I annoy you...
Like, you are kind just to be kind...
I feel like a lot of people dislike me...

 

I have Neil Young's Sedan Delivery playing over and over in my head....

 

Mmkay. But I think I'm actually gonna go to bed...early..er than usual.

 

i love romeo and juliet.

 

Is it just me, or does all of this depression seem very forced and artificial?