I've been thinking about it a lot lately (as you can probably tell by my other posts) and I've decided my main problem is that I hate foreplay. It actually turns me OFF rather than on -- I can be all-out ready to go from rolling around cuddling and kissing, I like to be bitten and scratched, but the moment we're naked and he tries to touch me I shut down inside. I actually dissociate if someone gives me oral. That can't be normal ... anyone else commiserate? Can I learn to like it?
you, my dear, have serious issues regarding sex and sexuality. i highly recommend a counsellor/therapist or sexual therapist. i love foreplay. i only orgasm through foreplay, aside from when I masturbate. my partner and i typically have foreplay running up to an hour, then a really hot fast session of intercourse and i LOVE it
i can't imagine sex without foreplay... when you're having sex do you enjoy to look at the other person?
Yeah, I did have some trauma ... but I got over it, I guess. I WAS normal-ish, for a while, in the sense that I was not terrified of people ... I liked it once, with one person. But at the time I was inexperienced and didn't know how to please him back. My body would kind of freeze up and I was afraid to touch him for fear of "doing it wrong". In a way I think I don't like other people to please me because I am still "atoning" for that failure, in my mind. Since then I have only ever really enjoyed kissing and hugging and rolling around with someone (I can get really hot and excited about it), but am actually disappointed when it gets to be naked time. Sex itself is just something I do because that is why the other person wants me. (And there have only been two other people.) I like it all right, in that I don't hate it, but I do hate when they try to touch me because (for one) I feel as though it is not genuine. PS: I'm not going to deny being pretty effed up, but seriously? Sexual therapists are a joke. They make me talk about being "raped" and say that I am a victim, then encourage me to talk more. But I was never "raped", I'm not a "victim", and talk is just talk, it has never solved anything for me - except in an open forum like this where I can truly "see myself think." Just making myself repeat after them and think about things that I think about all the time anyway, is not going to "cure" me. I have to cure myself, and I do it by watching the way I think from the outside.
That's also very true. I don't ever have "relationships", just friendships ... or quasi friendships as they often happen ... with the people I sleep with, and feel extra uncomfortable if I am with someone who makes me feel comfortable! Confusing, I know.
Suncatch, I've read your posts before, and I think that is the most positive thing I've heard you say. Your pain is very clear, but I DO see you making progress. It seems to me that your problems with "foreplay" are just signs of some other hurt. When that hurt gets better, I think you will find that you can freely share the joy of all kinds of intimacy. The absolute truth is this: I can't do it for you, and no one else can. You have to build the you that you want to be. Keep focusing on where you want to be. As best as you can, ignore where you've been(despite what the therapists say). Stay positive and optimistic (dammit!) When you have grown to a new level, you will look back, and see that the joys and benefits were worth all of the pain and work that you had to go through to get there. All I can offer is this encouragement. I wish you Peace
Nope, I'm not a therapist, and not terribly "new-age," but I've had my share of grief in this life, and I've had to realize that we are all responsible for our own choices. I've been so low that I would have had to go up to get to the bottom. I guess that's let me develop some sensitivity for the of pain in others. I'm also here to tell you that you CAN climb out of it. (I did!) But first you have to decide to climb out, and it sounds like you've made that step. I believe that sexual intimacy is like the cherry (no pun intended) on top of life. It is the pinnacle of our joy, but it is deeply tied into the rest of our lives. A problem somewhere else often shows up as a sexual issue. Your lack of pleasure in the early stages sounds just like that to me. But of course, I'm not a therapist, so it's just a guess on my part. If you have peace in the rest of your life, then you can learn to love your own body, and then freely share it in joy with someone else. Just my take on it. Peace.
You're right, my sexual problems are related to my feelings of worthlessness and uselessness to other people, apart from as my role being the vessel for their sexual fulfillment. That's pretty much why I like to express affection that isn't necessarily sexual (like 'making out') but hate it when someone touches my clitoris and only get pleasure out of my partner's orgasm. I'm not sure how to make peace with that part of me, though. It's tied into every experience I have ever had with a man and has become so reinforced that it's a part of me, and I don't even want to go find a man who is not going to treat me like that. In fact I have taken it for a fact that there IS no man who isn't going to treat me like that, AND I'm okay with it! Kinda effed up.
INstead o trying to find happiness please with someone else you need to find it with yourself first. You need to be happy alone before you can be happy with anyone else.
youve built yourself this cage of guilt, suncatch, and i dont know if youll be able to break out fully on your own. you need support around you to help you out - most of us cant go it alone with something this big and important. maybe you dont want a therapist, but what about a mentor or someone who can help guide your or at the least you can talk openly with them about everything? i get the impression you arent big on church but maybe a minister might help? lots of christians have major guilt issues when it comes to sexuality (not all, but enough to be noteworthy)... just somethign to consider
That's why I'm not a Christian. I was raised Lutheran and the circle of support there rejected me when I was nineteen and they found out I was no longer a virgin. No matter, though, because I was already a devoted pantheist and agnostic. (I see something divine in almost anything, but I could be wrong ) No way I am going back into that narrowminded club My circle of support is ... posting here, actually, and seeing myself think. I actually kind of like it when people say unkind things to me. Oh, and hey -- I'm not looking for someone to MAKE me happy, I wrote above that I need to make myself happy, but haven't figured out how to do that yet.
Sorry I didn't see that part. But it just seems like you want to make other people happly all the time and find pleasure in that only. You seem to put yourself down and say that you are selfish when there are things that you enjoy. You need to get over the mindset that you pleasure is selfish.
