Intrigued with swinging/swapping. Might one be opening a pandora's box? So many questions...

Until 1.5 months ago, I hadn't really given much thought to all the different "lifestyle" aspects of swinging. Since, I have become what one might call obsessed. I have been reading the different experiences of various swingers and learning all that I can, looking at the various profiles on swinging sites, etc. Perhaps this obsession has been fueled by having been married as long as I have, having become habituated to the stimuli of my wife and her to mine.

Even being the creative person I am, I have to say, after 30+ years of marriage, I feel to be at the bottom of the barrel of tricks to pull from. Sex is still good, but routine and time have worn off the thrill. Now I see how swinging could allow the newness of sexual relations to return without sneaking around and cheating. The greatest turn on to me is seeing my wife's wetness flowing down and over her anus, seeing her so horny she's practically begging. Seeing her that aroused then getting off is what makes sex amazing to me.

I can envision my wife riding another man and getting off hard. Because it's new and different and exciting. I can imagine being with another women, the different sensations, smells, movements, and other nuances my senses have been habituated to.

But, as hot as I can imagine it, I am guessing insecurities could come rushing forth, some anxiety one may not have known they had. Jealousy, maybe. She wondering if the other woman had a tighter vagina or him a larger pecker, her a better butt, and the list goes on.

And then there's the whole STD thing. Sure, the other couple can say "don't worry, we're disease free". Are they being honest? Or do they even really know for sure? I hate condoms and wouldn't trust them to be a sure-fire way of preventing something anyway.

A moral compass that one was conditioned with? Religious or philosophical believes? Going against one's grain to satisfy their perverted animalistic sexual desires? Having been placed with expectations of being a good man, a good woman? Feeling good during the act but sick after? Does is really save marriages, or ruin them? Depends, I'm sure.

I have more questions and concerns than I have time to write. However, I will say there seems to be such a big Pandora's Box that could be opening by entering into the swinging world. So fascinating and tempting though, particularly when in our situation. Maybe that's why so many swingers are in their 50s who have been married for decades. And there are plenty of them. I have looked and am blown away at how many are in my very community, a smaller conservative community no less!

For you swingers out there: How have you dealt with these things?

 

Okay Tarp, I am going to try to address all of this. Let me start by saying that I have been married for 30 years and have only been in the LS for a few months. If you want to contact me directly with more questions I will be happy to answer anything I can. My wife and I were where you are. We had a good sex life but it was very much the same thing over and over again. We talked and talked and talked endlessly about swinging. Finally we decided to take the plunge. You are right, it can be Pandora's Box, or "down the rabbit hole" as it were.

I have been in this situation. It is amazing, hot, sexy and crazy. Watching her cum on another man's dick is incredible. I too was worried about jealousy. I worried about how I would feel if she enjoyed it more than me. I worried about a bigger cock and how she'd like it. However, once in the moment, all of those worries faded. You said it yourself, "Seeing her that aroused then getting off is what makes sex amazing to me." That is one of the things I really enjoy. You probably would too. Open communications is the key. Every time we play with someone else or a couple, we come together and discuss everything.

You are right, STDs are a possibility. You can't trust anyone who says they are clean. Condoms are the key here. I know you don't like them but you can grow to like them or at least tolerate them. While they aren't full proof, they are about as close as it comes. When we are playing we use condoms with anyone else but don't use condoms when we have sex together. If you are being safe and using protection, you should be fine.

Morality should be defined by you and your spouse. Don't let others dictate to you what being moral is. There are plenty of clergy and people of faith doing this and much more. Many of these people loudly criticize others while quietly doing the very thing they condemn (or worse). As for philosophical, let me say this. You and your wife have made it 30+ years together. That is an amazing milestone. That is an extremely rare accomplishment. You have done this through trust, communication and love. Those should be the cornerstones of your morality. You decide what is right for your marriage. If anyone else looks down their nose at you two, then you don't need them. Let me tell you, the animalistic desires are a real thing. My wife have seen and done some extremely fun things in our short time in the LS. We both feel closer to each other and want to explore more. As for them being perverted: they are only perverted because of puritan societal norms that aren't based in reality. A large percent of marriages experience infidelity. A large percent of relationships involve some sort of fetish or kink. The idea of the June and Ward Cleaver idyllic marriage is based on a false narrative and not in reality. You should not look at the LS as a means of saving a marriage. If that is the goal then I wouldn't recommend it.

I will tell you that my wife and I both enjoy swinging and MFM activities. We both enjoy seeing each other with someone else. We find it fun, exhilarating and sexy as hell. I hope this has helped a little. Feel free to contact me if you have any other questions.

 

I can definitely relate to sex becoming routine. In my misspent youth, I savored the variety that came with experiencing new partners.

I cannot claim to be a swinger, because since I married, given my husband's attitudes, I didn't have freedom to play around while not betraying him. Monogamy was not exactly a natural fit In my life, but I accepted it. The morality aspect of straying outside of marriage is satisfied in my mind if all parties are straightforward with one another. My husband didn't accept it, so I basically sacrificed that part of my life.

As far a jealousy is concerned, you need to make sure your relationship is strong and all parties must accept the limitations of other sexual relationships. As for STDs- yes, a very big concern. You need to have confidence in your partners. But more than that, you should demand complete medical exam results, and be prepared to offer them. If someone won't agree to that, that is a huge red flag.

I do think that many people would find something satisfying in "playing around", but limit themselves to their spouse out of a sense of obligation.

 

Understand and can relate to the OP's feelings and thoughts, I think a lot of us are there. As we with long term marriages sex can get stale and mundane.
We've tried other things to try and spice things up but want that real excitement level back if you know what I mean.
Dc great post with some good solid advice.
Wasn't anyone worried about even bringing the LS up without complications? Or should I ask how did you do it and know the timing was right?
OP have you confronted your spouse yet or at least set the thought in motion?

 

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Appreciated! I haven't the time right now to reply to each of your points. Perhaps my replies to the others will help and/or clarify.

The STDs are a real concern. There's the condom thing for protection with intercourse but there's no protection for kissing. And kissing seems, to me at least, in many instances, an integral part of the act. Open wounds (cankers, etc) in the mouth, even if small, seem risky in my mind. And, as good as we're led to believe condoms are at preventing disease, there is no way I'd trust one if I knew the person I wanted to be with had AIDs for instance. Maybe the transmission of these different diseases are not as bad as I fear. But, on the other hand, it seems like a huge risk in my mind, for me at least. I am not condemning those who put their trust in them. It just wouldn't feel comfortable myself relying on them.

 

Thank you very much for your input! I like very much what you say about the medical exams. That seems like sound advice!

As far as your last point, I have pondered that over and over in my head. At what point does it become selfish of the one that is content in their monogamous relationship to say "no, you're not getting my permission to fool around!"? I read about those who are content but their partners need more, and so they give the discontent a hall pass. I am struck that some people would be able to do that for their partner.

 

My wife grew up in a very conservative small town with ultra conservative parents. As such, her core has been conditioned, I believe, to a great deal of conservatism. And her personality, I believe plays a role too. She is very naive in many ways, and not one to ponder things much. She just does without thinking and is happy with what she has and does. I don't think she gives much of anything second thought. She seemed surprised when I suggested that she had too become habituated to our routine.

That said, and to answer your question, I have not suggested an open relationship or swinging. However, a couple weeks ago, I did confess to visiting swinging sites and learning a lot. She asked what I had learned and seemed quietly curious. I made no suggestions but rather pointed out that the swinging sort of open lifestyle was more widespread than I would have ever guessed. If I were to suggest it as a possible talking point now though, I'm confident it would not go well. She knows though. She has told me a number of times in the past when upset that I would like to experience other women. I have neither admitted or denied it. If I admitted to it and asked if we could talk about it, she would likely tell me to "get out".

We're currently in a slump. She's going through menopause and unlike before, having rational conversations are difficult. Moods and reactions are all over the board, and I haven't figured out how to gracefully adjust. When the dust settles with this, I think there could be some room to discuss swinging as a possibility. I'm guessing, if we actually went through with it, she would find as much benefit as I would, if she could get over the conservative conditioning. But, that said, I'm not convinced swinging is "the" answer. Sure if arousing thinking about it though!

 

I get exactly where your coming from, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you in all aspects of your post.
I've been leaving small easter eggs every now and then. I'll leave a website up for her to find to get an idea what I've been reading and giving that little slight subtle innuendo. All things whether visual or verbal have been informational as this point, don't want to move too fast. Although I can see the gears turning in her head nothing has been brought out to the fore front yet to converse on.
I know there will come a time when we'll discuss things and see where it goes from there. If its something she wants to explore great and if not then I'll drop it.

 

What we have talked about is watching another couple, then having sex immediately afterwords. It would be like watching live porn. Since she likes porn, she admitted watching it in the flesh would probably really get her worked up, though I think we both know it will put her over the top horny. With an equal amount of curiosity and apprehension, she has agreed to it, though has waivered back and forth.

Guess what I'm getting at is that could possibly lead into much more for us, if things felt right. If there's one thing I've learned as I have aged, it is to never count anything out. And I believe this is especially true when it comes to dealing with ones inner most sexuality.

 

My time ran out to edit my post, and I wanted to add a little more.

Like you, I have also left web sites open and given innuendos. I know she's more curious than she cares to admit but I don't want to push too much. For reasons I'm just barely beginning to understand, it's very hard for her to admit just how much she liked certain sexual acts or how much she thinks she would like certain things in the sexual realm. And, I get the sense that it is fairly common among women, especially in those who grew up in conservative families or were otherwise led to believe that sex for pleasure with taboo. That is certain my wife's case due to her mother's attitude towards sex. If only she knew her daughter was having and enjoying anal sex, double penetration, and had the itch to watch people have sex in person!!

 

Honestly, I grew up in that same type of environment of my wife and yours being sheltered towards sex and how everything is taboo. We were both raised Catholic so that should explain things. It wasn't until I turned 40 or so that I began to see things with an open mind, everything just exploded......Lol
Glad your daughter has broken the cycle and enjoying herself sexually.......not trying to get strange on you.
Let me ask you this question though.....When are you going to know the time is right to at least talk about an alternative LS?
Are you going to bring it up or are you going to let her?
I thought about letting her but figured I might run the chance of things never coming out in the open.

 

Oh....no. I posted in haste and mislead you. It is NOT my daughter I was talking about. I was referring to my mother-in-law's daughter (my wife). So, it's my wife enjoying all that anal sex, DP, etc. I don't want to know what my daughter is doing!!

If my mother-in-law knew what my wife and I were doing in the bedroom now, she'd go into cardiac arrest to be sure! I'm betting the poor lady couldn't even fathom us outside the missionary position.

As far as me talking to my wife about an alternative LS, I'm going to see what becomes of us watching swingers having sex first. In other words, I'm going to cross bridges as we come to them. Honestly, though the LS intrigues the hell out of me, I don't know if I even want to talk to her about it. I don't know that it will ever be for me or my wife. But that's a bridge way out in uncharted territory. I figure we have quite a few bridges coming up well before "that" bridge, if that makes any sense.

Any chance you could take the same or similar approach I've taken? I've talked to many swingers on a swinger site about us watching them. From what I gather, being voyeurs was the gateway to at least some swingers getting into the LS. For me, given that watching porn doesn't get my wife as excited as it used to, it seemed like the natural progression to watch it in real life. It was easy for me to then bring it up to her. It actually started as a joke. I told her I was taking her to Las Vegas for her birthday to watch people have sex at a sex club, then step into a private room. She raised both brows at that point but quickly got curious and started asking questions and coming up with possible scenarios.

 

Wasn't your fault, I re-read your post and it was totally on me. I know father/daughter relationships can be close buttt...........
Back to our topic. We do seem to think alike about trying to ease into this and on ideas but believe you two are a little farther along. I brought up the sex club thing also as I have one in my area. Although I like to watch porn every now and then I suggested thought it would be hot to see it live without getting involved and mentioned the club, she gave me on of those What??? looks.
I think the problem on my end is the moment I mention bringing someone else into the bedroom man, women, or couple her initial reaction will be an immediate No.

 

Does she like to watch porn? If so, that may be your ticket. So, you wouldn't be inviting anyone into your bedroom. You'd be getting way ahead of things suggesting that. Rather, you two would be going to the club as you said. Then, see what happens.

Of course, you did say she gave you that "what" look. If you watch porn together though, perhaps you could wait till she got really bothered then casually say "Imagine how hot it would be watching people do this in real life!" If she gives you no answer, ask her if she thinks it would be a turn on. Or, maybe you could do as I did and jokingly tell her you'll be taking her to a sex club for her birthday, or Christmas, or what ever.

I am making a bunch of assumptions here but perhaps something along these lines could work for you. It's like planting a seed, I think. You have to cover it carefully, then nurse it to sprout, then give it the right amount of water at the right times. Just a thought.

 

Reading your post with intrigue Tarp. Hubby and I have been chatting about this for a while now. I love the idea of going to a sex club but will I love it when I’m in the thick of it? I don’t know.
My big fantasy is to watch others while hubby and I do our thing and have others watch us and he would like a threesome with another woman too. I am
Not sure I could share him but he said he would be happy to watch me with a woman then finish me off. So many questions to be answered x

 

Things happened quickly with us since my last post. I signed up on a swingers site and found a slew of couples willing to give us a show. I was quite surprised how many offered and how easy it was. My wife got increasingly curious and bothered (in a good way) by the idea, asking all manner of questions, looking at different profiles and people's pics. She's just not an inquisitive person so the speed and manner with which it all occurred surprised me. Wasn't prepared for it but made due.

Long story short, we met the other couple in a club, decided they weren't insane, and took them back to our hotel room and watched. It was all very steamy and exciting, until we met the couple. We didn't think we'd need to know them well to enjoy watching. We were both wrong. We needed more of a connection with them. It was too bad as they were very nice folks. It just proved too awkward for us.

We both cooled our jets, for about two days, then started talking about it again, and she started asking lots more questions. That's when I knew I had unlocked something with her. It is so unlike her to be so inquisitive and even more so to suggest anything sexual. She suggested I keep the hunt on for something, to come up with another plan. We agreed that we both needed to get to know a couple with whom we felt chemistry with. So, back to the swinger site looking for friends.

The discussion from that point quickly escalated to the excitement of the unknown and discussions of boundarys. She came out of the closet and said she'd be fine being touched by another woman if there was chemistry. I thought to myself "I knew it!!". She is curious to be sure. However, she was not fine being touched by another man...and somewhat unsteady with the thought of me touching another woman.

Seems things were moving so quickly for us that there was an unspoken word to take a small break in talking about things. Talks will resume though I am certain. Her curiousity has been opened, unlike any other time I recall.

So, that's where we're at in this new adventure. We talked about a sex club initially but decided to meet a couple instead. In hindsight, the club may have worked better for us. However, we were both sure watching the couple would be over the top. So, one just never knows what will and wont work. Or at least that's my take away so far.

Like you, we now want to watch another couple then get it on ourselves while still watching. Basically same room sex, with an open mind to slowly progress during later dates, if there was interest between everyone. What I am finding though, is that there are far fewer people wanting to experiment with the softer side of things. Most seem to be into hooking up for no strings attached sex, then moving on to the next encounter.

I don't know where you two are located but, if you are inclined, feel free to send me a private message. Who knows! Maybe we're not far from each other and we'd all hit it off! Stranger things have happened.

 

Tarp we are in the UK, looks like you’re in the US?
I think it sounds like you guys did the right thing. We fancy the club as if it’s not for us we can just up and leave whereas I think I’d feel under pressure 1:1 if that makes sense. same room sex is exactly what we want too with the possibility of some girl on girl action with hubby watching

 

Ah, rats! Was hoping you were our neighbors. But yes, we're in the US.

 

We have been LS for a while and it works well for us. We are fairly open and even play solo but you can set it up in a way that works for you

 

forgive me but what do you mean by LS?