I don't know what happened... Maybe I've drank too much in the past, maybe I've took too much drugs in the past... Been on the streets for some serious time, maybe saw too much. For some reasons I had troubles... and more troubles, and than more troubles... I taught that was normal, just another angry teenager. Came the time I was a young adult, still living with the same fucked up mind even know the life is good. Now an adult, still the fucked up mind is running in my head. I'm so psycho, angry furious... All I want is to unleash my fury, people fear me because I'm so mad all the times. I've even tried to listen to reggae music all the times to calm me down, but never worked. Weed just killed my soul, my energy, my life... so I've stopped. Alcohol made me even more mad, so I've stopped. I think there's nothing to calm me down, I've tried everything... I'm in a long therm relationship that goes perfectly, make lots of money working as a roofer, I have good relationships with my people... Send me in public, anywhere with strangers and there goes the mad man, don't even fucking look at me I'll get black eye for no fucking reason, don't joke around, you'll be turn around... The only time I am really calm is like the next 30 minutes after sex... This seem to be my personality, for some reason I just can't accept it... Now I try to, trying to focus on the force I could get out of it.... but I mean... that is still ridiculous... I've no fucking control over it...
When you realize how you're sabotaging your own happiness then you'll try anything to create better conditions for yourself. First thing to consider is whether you do anything to benefit others and bring them any happiness? Here in New Orleans everyone should be trying to contribute to another's well being. The same old selfish lifestyle doesn't work here any longer. Too many people are suffering. if you have not tried to ease someone else's suffering then you honestly can't expect life to try to help you either. But here's the main issue, you are angry at projections of your own mind. Life is open to include all possibilities. If you're angry it's because of your expectations. It may be that you are very lucky. You just need to consider things from a larger perspective. I suggest you take a trip to India or Africa. Sometimes people get stifled in one place. I hope you start to feel better. Some people have said that anger itself is hell.
Yeah I know what you mean that in some ways I ruin my happiness. But first thing you need to understand is that I live in Montreal... Might be really different than New Orleans. Sometimes you need to be angry, in order to get home... happy... That may sound strange but if you can't cover your ass, bad things will happens... As it may sounds strange too, I'm kinda addicted to my anger, because of the reason I just wrote, anger is some sort of the best tool I can have in order to live without shit on my way. I have to deal with lots of tough guys everyday in my construction job, and on the streets... Anyways... I guess you have to make a choice, but I'd rather protect myself, my love and my familly... that's my first happiness.
