I'm ok with husand loving another woman

I have been going through a period in my life where I feel I am changing. Growing up and letting myself be who I really am. I have been married for 20 years and found out my husband had an affair. It bothered me at first but at the same time I was excited about the fact that he was with someone else. I was very confused because of the way I was supossed to act versus what really makes me happy. I have struggled 2 years with this and have come to the decision that it is time to live without worrying what other people think.

I believe that a person can love two people at once. My husband and I have made it through the affair issues coming out stronger than ever. Our marriage is more than we could ever have imagined. It has opened up new doors that we never thought about before. He still has feelings for this other woman and I am ok with it. Never thought I would be saying that but it is truley how I feel. Actually I am better than ok. I am so confident in what we have together now there is no jealousy.

Is anyone out there in a similar situation? I would love to talk to anyone since this is all new to us.

 

I think your very wonderful for seeing the brighter side to things and not letting it grag you down! When my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, i thought it was the end of the world; i cried for days on end. but, im with someone who makes me very happy right now, and i guess i am feeling the way you do. I think it was my ex's loss, and i don't begrudge him anymore. Infact, we're sorta friends!~peace and love,Danni

 

I do not understand how anyone can love two people at once. I also don't understand how your husband can be so irresponsible, immature and disrespectful to his vows and responsibility to take care of you emotionaly.
What you are going through does not sound like love. It sounds like emotional torture.

 

I expected some people, most people, not to understand any of this. We have an unconditional love. I'm not worried about him leaving me anymore. when we first were married, I never really trusted it. BECAUSE of me. No self-esteem, didn't like who I was, very jealous ect. Now, having lived through such a hard time and knowing that what we have is way beyond love and knowing that we are here with each other because we WANT to be, all the insecurities are gone. We are both honest with each other and know that somedays there may be jealousy issues but we now know how to talk through it. It's not all about my husbands affair anymore. Actually the affair has brought out the good in a lot of things. Good can come from something bad.
Some people can take care and love more than one person. We have lived it. Even thought the affair was a secret and my husband lied, which is the part I hated the most, I didn't see any difference in the way we lived then versus the way we live now. The only difference now is that we really communicate about how we are feeling.

 

first of all i believe you can definately love more than one person however to have a relationship with both is ridiculous.i have never known any love triangle to have a happy ending.as an adult you have to chose.you may feel great now but i guarantee at some point someone in the triangle will sway one way or to the other.i think you are settling, do you have another mate as well because it seems to me your hubby is having his cake and eating it too...

 

No, this is not love. Can you honestly respect him after he had an affair? And if you can't then how can you love someone or be with someone you don't respect?

 

I think you need to go back and re-visit these issues. The truth is you took the easy way out at your own self expense. You probably have a history of doing so and it is related to these issues in your life. If you are happy being used though, I guess good luck to you.

 

Have you ever been in a similar situation? Are you speaking from experience or just because you don't believe in cheating? I don't think it's fair to tell caterpillar that "this is not love". She's an adult and perfectly capable of knowing what her heart and mind are telling her. Everyone deals with situations differently, and you need to respect THAT.

To caterpillar - right on. So glad that you're happy and your relationship is strong. Good for you!

 

You don't have to live your life with someone who disrespected you and continues to do so to know that it is not a healthy relationship.

 

I've been cheated on and it didn't enter my mind to stay with that person. What message would I be sending to myself about what my value was as a partner and a human being?

They did not agree on an open marraige. He cheated on her, again and again. That is not love.
She may be capable of making a decision to stay with him, but she sounds like she has been trying to convince herself this is okay and has finally setteled on allowing her husband to be an immoral sleaze.

 

Perhaps she is trying to convince herself. Perhaps she truly means every word that she's saying. The point is, however, that is she is happy (or at least thinks that she is), she should be allowed that. Trying ot tell her that she isn't happy isn't going to convince her. The husband was disrespectful of her, there is no doubt about that. But sometimes people are able to work things out and improve their relationships and put the "incident" behind them. I love my husband unconditionally too, and if he ever did something like this to me, I would no doubt be devestated, but I would also remember my vows and try very hard to move past it.

 

I've never been in this situation before, and I don't think I ever could. If I'm with someone I want 100% of them because that's what I'm giving them. But my cousin and her husband have another woman living with them. And this woman and my cousin are lovers. I don't know the arrangement, nor do I want to, but it has worked for them for over four years. So, to each his or her own.

 

If everyone is open and honest in their relationship...then anything can work...

My biggest problem about this is that he lied to you...if he had come and talked to you about being unhappy in the marriage and looking to experiment... and you were OK with it, then...great. But in my opinion, he disrespected you and broke your trust...for me, that would be my biggest issue.

I can see how someone might love two people and these two people might satisfy different needs for that someone...but honesty is what I hold to be most important in the relationship, along with communication...and he didn't participate in either of these before he participated in the affair, so...*shrugs* I'd say fuck him and move on...but you know, whatever...I have no problem with open relationships as long as it's honest and true...and it didn't start out that way for you.

 

What everyone said is true. He wasn't up front about anything with me at first and the trust was broken. At first I was devestated but something good came out of all of this. Most people will not agree with what I have said and it doesn't bother me because I know this is what makes me happy. And the decision was mine to stay with him and his to stay with me. That is what we WANT. It's not what we have to do. I wouldn't expect anyone who hasn't been in this situation to understand how I could stay with him. Before I use to say the same thing....that I would never stay with him if he cheated....different story when it happens. We also have a lot of history here. 20 years married been together 25 altogether. You just don't throw that away without trying everything to fix it. When you here the stories of some marriages becoming stronger-this is one of them. I don't have to confince any of you that I am doing the right thing. This post was to see what other people lives are like if they are in a situation like this. I already know how much people will disagree.

 

My point is that he is not trying. You are trying out the freaking ass so my posts were not aimed at disrepecting you.

If you think about it why wouldn't he want to stay with you? You allow him to cheat and have 'accepted' it and think it even strengthened your marraige. You let him off the hook. He has all the comforts of being a married man without any of the responsibilities.
I would walk out the door if my fiance told me he slept with someone else, nevermind if he told me he was having a relationship with someone else where he gave away his emotions, love and took someone else out instead of me. Are you honestly okay with this? If you really are I apologize for my posts. I just don't understand how you could be okay with him giving away his love, attention, effort and paycheck to someone else...

 

oddly enough, i agree with you
to the op, youi should look up somethign called polyamory (sometimes spelt polyamoury), there are a bunch of different setups includign triads quads completely open, etc. it works really well for some people... not me, i like my monogamy, but ive dated a couple poly guys (one who had another gf and there was some frustration over that, mostly over timing and such)

 

sometimes there is a difference between love and sex?!

no?

yes, oftentimes there can be

Plenty of relationships go through hard times, in fact, every single long term romance will, kids.

I applaud the OP as long as she is happy, and I bet her husband does love her, very much, because otherwise he would have left her for the other woman.

 

Bella,

I would like you to know that we didn't just sweep this under a rug. We went through hell and back and found something that we never expected. Yes, I am very happy and just learning what all of this is about. It isn't something that just came about. It took alot of searching. And my husband has taken 100% credit for what he did. If he would have been honest at that time, I think I would have told him that he was crazy. I never thought I would have feelings like I have about him being with another woman. I have fought with myself long enough for thinking that I shouldn't be excited about it and why-because everyone else thinks it is wrong. It makes me feel good.
My husband also stopped seeing her and I am the one who said to go back. I'm not a bit ashamed for thinking this anymore.

 

Do you encourage it because then you do not have to have sex with him? I do not mean that to be offensive. I am genuinley curious as to your motivations.

 

Just the opposite. It really excites me to know that he was with her. My husband and I started going out when I was 15 and he 18. We grew up in the same neighborhood, the stories of the boy and girl next door apply here. We married when I was 20. We have always had a good sex life and continue to do so, being above the norm for our age group.(3 to 5 times a week, sometimes everyday) We hadn't even stopped during his affair. I am very attracted to him and he to me. I see us continuing until we can't do it anymore.
It is a part of our lives that we enjoy very much.
As for motivations, I don't think there really is a motive. Just for the fact that it makes me feel good. Everyone on this planet is different from the other. Ones weakness is anothers strength. I like the fact that I am so comfortable in what we have I have no fears now. It is a great feeling to know that we can tell each other anything. Don't get me wrong here. There are times when we don't like what the other says, but we have found that by talking it thru we can overcome it.