i wish i liked myself a little more

but i really think that if i wasn't me, i wouldn't hang out with me. maybe i just have horrible self esteem issues, but...

i have trouble feeling like it's ok to be a woman. like any part of me that's femme (like if i want to wear a little makeup, or wear a skirt, or i feel like crying, etc etc) is wrong or bad or revolting or detestable or all of the above rolled into one. i realized today that a huge part of my attraction to women is that i wish i could be like them. how fucked up is that?

anyway. i'm up late, and bored, so i'm just blabbing this out there. feel free to psychoanalyze or ignore, as you wish!

 

how about libel?

i caught nakedtreehugger molesting puppies!

 

hahaha.... know what that made me think of? van wylder. with the dog and the eclairs... wow.

 

get yourself a big mirror, get naked.... and stand in front of mirror till you change your mind....

And maybe make a little love to yourself in the mirror.....

 

Wow, I really wish you liked yourself a little more.

At least you seem to be having personal insights. Sounds like you are learning more about yourself.

That cant be a bad thing.

 

it might not be that i don't like me. cause i kinda think i rock. i just seem to think everyone else doesn't think i'm cool. especially when i'm being kinda girly. i think i'm having trouble transitioning from being gay to being in a straight relationship.

if i could just get away from comparing myself to other women, things would be easier. women are mean to each other, i'm realizing. ugh.

 

You're beautiful!
And to even post this you're brave.
I feel like that sometimes too, but then I realize
how many people love me and want me to be happy.
They wouldn't want me to feel this way about
myself. So I pull myself up by my bootstraps and
cry my eyes out if it's my whim.

You are woman. Hear you roar.

Or some other cliche.
Hope it helped.
Or I cheered you up by ranting on like a
complete idiot. Whatever works.

 

wow. I used to think that too.. about being girlie not about not liking myself. I like me. my personality anyway. Then I figured, fuck, being girlie is fun because you can be super girlie and not be weak. I can be wearing a skirt, make up and pretty earrings and still kick so much ass.
I think you're pretty cool.

I do hate crying still.

 

THANK YOU!!! this helps so much. just knowing i'm not the only one, ya know?

all the female examples i had growing up were stupid. and men who thought women were stupid. so i grew up to be a bit of a masculine kind of woman. not like i'm a bulldyke or anything, or want a penis. but i realize now that i still view femininity as dumbing onesself down. i wanna get past that.

so yeah... thanks hilder. cause i think you totally rock, so it's awesome to have someone like you understanding where i'm coming from!

 

thanks love... you're really sweet! your username made me smile. dandelions and deathmetal... nice juxtaposition! and i love dandelions.

i guess my frustration is not that i'm not brave, not that i can't pull myself up by my bootstraps or that i can't be woman, hear me roar. it's that i see myself as only that. only the brave, invincible, completely unreceptive kind of person who never lets anyone in. because that's scary and thats girly and i can't do that. *sigh* maybe i just need to be tied up, forced to wear pink and drink fruity cocktails and whatever. lol. send me off to spend a week with cate maybe...

 

Girlfriend tell me about it. I was the one that had to take the brunt of everything growing up. from my mothers wrath to doing all the heavy chores and anything 'manly' to do. I was such a tomboy growing up. I still am in alot of ways, I just dont dress the part anymore.
Its understandable that you would feel this way after being a self-proclaimed lez since most are stereotyped to wanting to have a dick instead of just being female and liking females. I dont know how many times Ive heard the question 'so does being gay make you want a dick (if its a girl) or a pussy (if its a guy)?' from complete retards obviously who think gay and transgender come hand in hand. I think that now that youre in a hetero relationship you are trying to find your place as a hetero woman, and you think the gap is too wide to leap to the other side so to speak.. blah.. if that made no sense, my excuse is that im stoned.

 

no, it made perfect sense, and it's a big part of what i'm trying to figure out in myself lately. besides the fact that my father never loved me simply because i wasn't the boy he requested (that's quite the story) and tried to make me one of his soldiers (he was a career air forcer), there's the whole lesbian thing. i honestly felt more at home doing girly things when i was with women. cause that's just what women do. although i always played a bit more of the masculine side of things, cause i seem to fall for uber femme's. but i've always been definitely a girl.

then i end up with a guy, and it's suddenly freakout time. i've had my guy friends tell me all my life that they wished i wasn't gay, because i would be the perfect girlfriend. they could hang with me like i'm one of the guys, i wasn't all prissy, but i also had a pussy. so now that i'm with a guy, all of that's coming up, and i'm like... oh god, i can't be girly, no guys like girly girls. and then i get around other girls, and i'm like, shit, i'm not as pretty/girly/sexy/beautiful/sweet/what the fuck ever as her. my wonderful man deserves someone more like that, instead of fucked up wierd ass dyke me.

it's this strange insecurity trip. i've never been this insecure in my life. yeesh.

 

Mi padre almost named me Dandelion, but alas, named me Danielle.
I suppose mi madre wouldn't have that.
ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY............


The thing is, you're great the way you are.
As long as you're not a prototypical nonconformist, you're good with me.
But what society as morphed a woman into IS one of the pink
wearing, fruity cocktail drinking, Sex In The City types.
That's not a woman. That's a plastic image of a woman.
What a woman 'should look and act like'.
Frankly, it's uncool.
There's definitely nothing wrong with you and I actually wish
I had a woman like you in my life. Because All I have are the fore
mentioned women who want me to turn into Miss Molly.



Hm....this is just a cynical feminist rant.
It doesn't really help your situation.
I'm sorry. Lawl.

 

dandelion WOULD be a way cool name. but danielle's pretty cool too. and you seem to have quite the head on your shoulders at age 15. i'm impressed. at 15 i was busy taking all the drugs and booze i could and mackin' on all the girls in my catholic boarding school good to see you have better priorities than i did, lol! hopefully that means you won't end up at 26 sitting around in the middle of the night trying to figure out why you're so fucked up... lol!

 

At leat life's not boring, eh?
You could be sitting at home in the middle of the
night drinking yourself to death thinking how nothing
ever goes on and everything has no point.

I'm not trying to demean your situation at all, I'm just saying
at leat you have emotions and can FEEL things like that.
You're passionate enough about something to take interest
and try to figure it out instead of being an apethetic douche nozzle
that feels nothing.

And here I'm just seen as a pot smoking rebellious teenager who
doesn't shave her legs and is in love with Janis Joplin.
And I've never touched an illegal substance in my life.
So thank you.
Lol.

 

eh.... with the exception of the recently surfacing anxieties of how people view me in relation to me being a woman, people's perceptions of me really don't usually bug me.

lol... i've got dreads, and i don't shower twice a day and spray on stinky perfume or use antiperspirant deodorant that smells like acid rain. lol... in my massage class, my man and i were the hippies to pick on. it was funny. we had a lecture about BO, and how we have to wear deodorant as massage therapists, and how sometimes when you're massaging people, dirt or dead skin cells will come off on your hands. immediately, the whole class started laughing and started pointing at tim and i. cause we don't really wear deodorant much, and what we do wear doesn't cover the sweat smell, but our sweat smells nice and natural since we're not trying to mask it and we eat healthy. but it was funny that everyone was so grossed out by our "hippie hygiene." i guess as long as i know people's perceptions are wrong or really out of whack, it doesn't bother me. when i'm not sure about it myself, i apparently get insecure

 

Wow. What fucking douche nozzles.
Lynch them.

 

haha. see, i don't really give a shit about that kind of misperception. they're just showing their own naivete by thinking that i'm not clean simply because i only wash my hair once a week and i don't shower daily. the body does not need to wash daily unless you're like, a field laborer. and dreads don't produce nearly as much dirt and oil to be washed out.

it's when i don't really know what's up with myself that i get insecure about what other people think. apparently i still have some self delving to do.

 

Oh don't say that. You're too nice of a girl. :biggrin:

BTW, you're pretty cool for patching your own exhaust pipe.
:driving:
.

 

thats why i love her