I'm from a small liberal arts college in the south. Being gay is something I could be expelled for and for three years I have hid and tried therapy to change my orientation. I finally accepted myself and have been slowly coming out to my close friends for about a year. To most of these people I am the only (openly) gay person they know, and I was raised in a conservative environment for most of my life. I'm not struggling with my sexuality anymore, and as soon as I graduate this fall I plan on coming out to everyone before I go off to grad school up north, but I am concerned that I will be too clueless of what gay culture is to really fit in there with any other gay people that have been out since like, highschool. To be completely honest it scares me out of my mind. I feel like I am so out of the loop, so far removed and sheltered here in Tennessee, that there is no way to catch up. God, I'm 21 and have never had a relationship, never been kissed, never even talked with another openly gay guy. Is there somewhere I could learn about...well, everything? Like a website, or a book, or something. I don't know! I don't know were to look, or even what to look for. I feel so lost. Now that I've finally accepted myself, I feel like I'll never be accepted by other gay people cause I'll be too misinformed about how to act. Can someone tell me what to do?
they would really throw you out because of that? isn't it illegal? i don't think you need to act/behave in a certain way in order to be accepted by the gay community. you need to be yourself. there's a lot of different gay guys out there from one end of the spectrum to the other. that's what's reality --- we're not all that one best-known stereotype. but if you want to be immersed in the gay culture it's best to live it. like going out to the gay clubs in your area and making friends who are gay. also, watching gay-themed films might help (like Milk, Bent, Maurice, Shelter, Plata Quemada, Wilde, to name a few). reading up on the history of gay rights struggle and researching about famous gay individuals is not only appropriate but also interesting. and, of course, internet is full of all kinds of information. if you're interested in personal experiences, there are gay guys who keep blogs about their life and some of those might be a good casual read. also, don't think that since you're gay you need to be exclusively interested in gay-related subjects only. some gay guys do that. they only have gay friends, only go to gay clubs, etc. the point is to do what you want to do, pursue your interests, and be with people you want to be with, whether they are gay, straight, or else. just do whatever comes naturally for you.
Hey, Thanks soooo much for responding. I really hope your right. I am my own person aside from my sexuality. I've had to be where I'm from. And I'm not looking to change myself for anyone. (tried that already, didn't work out well, vagina's are scary But I'm just nervous that I will betray my ignorance when I move away. It's daunting really. One of my friend's here at school whose from PA (I'm out to her) told me that her gay posse in PA is always telling her that newly out guys are just to much trouble to handle. That they invite drama, and don't know how to act, and are awkward...especially the one's who come out when they're older. It just has me freaked out. When I was in highschool the first time I heard the word "homosexual" was during a talk my sophomore year by a Focus on the Family representative. I've been hiding ever since, and now that I finally feel that I can come out for good I worry that I am going to be rejected by the people most like me. Maybe I don't understand....I mean I'm sure I don't understand but I just don't want to feel like an outcast anymore. I thought that when I went to Connecticut I could be out and amoung people like me and I wouldn't feel alone. But now I find out that I have to worry that there is a stigma associated with people who've recently come out?!?! I mean really. It's gonna be hard enough as it is without having to worry about that. Do you think there is a stigma against recently out guys? Hmmm...thanks for the suggestions though. I really should look into film and blogs. My concern from movies is that they wouldn't be an accurate portrayal of the gay community. But seriously, thank you for your help. That gives me a little more hope. And some direction as to where to go for further learning. P.s. Yah, my school can kick me out. And no it's not illegal, when you are accepted one of the paper's you sign is the "Community Covenant" which says that you will engage only in behavior that is morally acceptable to the university leadership and currently "engaging in homosexual behavior" tops the list of no-nos on campus. A guy across the hall my junior year was expelled for publicly acknowledging his homosexuality. (I came here because I received an athletic scholarship for soccer and my parents were happy to send me to a Christian Private school, so that I wouldn't end up "straying from the path") Looks like that one didn't turn out as planned
Your post finally made me join the forum. You are not alone in your questions/place in life. I'm 38 and and the only difference I read in our experiences is that I've actually visited with and have now hung out with openly gay men (yes, rather sad as to the rest). I also attended a small, private christian school and larger private christian school for post-graduate studies. Since I am in a similar position as you, I can't really offer you any advice other than if guys at a gay bar begin asking you your history and why you're just now at a gar bar, etc. don't use the phrase "it's complicated." Apparently in the gay lexicon (which, btw, I'm still looking for the gay codex or something similar) it means "I'm married" or "I've just ended a relationship." Best to go through the whole, lengthy story. I went through my story as to why I'm 38 and just now going to a gay bar and they were cool with it. oh, and @meridianwest, I know my undergraduate school would kick people out for being openly gay (unless, of course, their parents were large donors) and I'm fairly certain the second would have--they are, after all, church affiliated schools and can't be havin' any of "that stuff" going on at their campus. . .
well, i can't say i'm able to give the most reliable advice on this one. most of my friends are straight and the gay friends I have --we have our own group of guys and when we get together it's usually at someone's place, or going out somewhere just us. so I don't know what the scene is like when you try to meet up with strangers. but it just seems absurd to me that there would be something like that. the situations i've been in there hasn't been anything like it. i mean, come on, we're all coming from the same place and we know what it's like. it would be pretentious to act like that. also, it seems to me they might be averse towards a particular way of acting, not newly out gay guys per se. you just gotta go out there and if someone starts giving you a hard time, you gotta remind yourself that it's his attitude that's messed up, not yours. don't let yourself be intimidated by somebody's self-certified standards. that's seriously fucked up. i'm attending a university in Europe and such a thing would be absurd here. even the private schools can't put something like that in their papers and no-one would even want to (well, maybe Vatican, if it had institutions of higher education).
Well thanks HKV, I'm glad you decided to join for me And I'll take your advice to heart. No "it's complicated". Got it. Sounds good. Let me know though, when you find a gay lexicon. In fact, you should start a thread. That way neither of us would be confused. "What are some words that every gay guy should understand and know their connotation?" M-kay? But again I appreciate your post. And Meridian. thanks for your encouragement. I really am frightened that I am making a bad decision. How do you throw away all the relationships you've made for 4 years on the promise that someone, whom you don't know and have never met, will accept you. Especially if you've no experience with the kind of people who would. The idea that I might be stigmatized because I'm coming out after college is freaking terrible, but your words are reassuring. After all, isn't this whole process about being true to myself? Even if there is a stigma, I already know that this is gonna be hard. It helps to know that there are people out there who won't judge me on such a shallow basis. Thanks!
