I don't even know where to begin...

Okay, you're going to have to bear with me for a moment, cuz I'm pissed off. Background. My wife and I live next door to her sister and her three kids, all girls ages 8, 11, and 13. My sister in law is 30 and recently divorced. This was her second marriage. We have a boy 6 and a girl 10 and we've been married for 15 years. Our kids are really close. We used to be, but since her divorce she's gotten a boyfriend 7 years older and very controlling, like won't let her hang out, made her take her piercings out, makes her dress and wear her hair more conservatively, etc. He's a religous hippocrit (they go to church every Sunday and Wednesday, gets pissed if you eat before blessing, etc., but he can live with a woman and fuck hell out of her in front of her kids. I mean, they know what's going on.) and is abusive to the kids (threatens them w/ physical violence all the time and says he's "just joking", and I just found out tonight he's been bending thier wrists back and pinching thier wrists, like between the bones so it hurts, as punishment. This is the same kind of guy she's been attracted to in the past, but much more so than the rest. All of them have been pricks. To beat all, she's started working night shift and guess who's in charge while she's gone. So I've been keeping my mouth shut cuz I'm just the brother in law. Not my place, right? But tonight, my oldest niece comes over with a mild cut on her hand. It wasn't even bleeding, just a skin tag really, but she was upset and I got it out of her that she'd been eating and using a knife as a fork, stabbing her food and eating it off the point of the knife and when she didn't stop when he told her to the asshole boyfriend bent her wrist back, laid the knife against her palm to demonstrate that it was sharp, and when she pulled away she got cut. I said she needed to call her mother (nurse) at work and as we were looking up the number her mom called. Said "send her home". I said "don't you even want to talk to her. Find out what happened?!" She said "I'll call her at home". My hands are tied, cuz I gotta do what the girls mother wants. I sent her home, after telling her I thought she should at least hear the girl's side of it. Thing is, if someone taking care of my kids were to cut one of them, even accidentally, I'd be asking wtf. She never even questioned it. That I saw. I called him and he said it was all her fault because she'd jerked away. Well, what are you gonna do when someone puts a knife to your skin? And why would you put a knife against someone's skin anyway? Everyone in our family is afraid to to confront this little 90 pound bitch about what she's doing. I even called thier mother and she said, "well....." Deaf ears. My wife is pissed. I'm sure something has to be done now. Thing is if I call the police (what I think I need to do) it could get even more fucked up than it already is. I don't trust them to do the right thing. Once they get a call like that it's more about following procedure and paperwork than doing what's best for three kids. Plus it might get me evicted from the family. I don't need any advice. I'm just venting. Post whatever you want, but I know what needs to happen. And I ain't afraid of a scrawny version of what I've been dealing with for 15 years. Fucking people make me want to puke when they put themselves ahead of thier kids.

 

Speaking from experience (I was the child of an abusive, religiously fanatical over-bearing asshole):

CALL SOMEONE! DO SOMETHING! These children, I'm sure, are having the life slowly and meticulously drained from their bodies. And they're all girls....so you have to wonder if he's going to be doing something evil and wrong to those poor defenseless little girls. Please, don't stand idly by. Please....

 

Go over with a softball bat and take out the new boyfriend.

 

That might work...but it would piss off his sister-in-law....and it wouldn't set a very good example for the kids. As much as I sometimes wish my dad had ben just beaten all to hell, it wouldn't have done any good.

 

He and I had a talk last night. He said "just playing, just kidding..." and I told him I didn't care. I didn't threaten him, but it was certainly implied that if it continued he'd deal with me. I just left myself a back door with my sister in law. She's sleeping from work last night, but when she's up he'll be at work and I'm going to talk to her. I know she'll defend him over the girls. If I can't get through to her I'll just have to call the police. I haven't tlked to my wife about that option yet, but you're right. Something has to be done.

 

make sure you give them a chance after these warnings you are giving to do the right thing. Same as you would with little kids...I know it means risking that they may do something more serious however if you don't give them the chance to do the right thing after you have warned them they will have to deal with the consequences of their actions then that is gonna be way harder, otherwise you probably would have just been better off calling the cops in the first place if you don't give them the oppurtunity to prove themselves. Good luck by the way and make sure you are taking care of yourself and your family too in this time of crisis...loving and hugging to the little ones, let them know too there are many people out there for them.

 

RE" That might work...but it would piss off his sister-in-law....

Slap her around too and tell her if she fucks up again you're taking her kids.

 

I'd call the police. Especially after he put the knife to her hand.

 

Thanks for all the supporting post. IronGoth... well, thanks for posting. I talked to the mother today, and told her what I'd seen and what her daughter told me. She damn sure defended him, and said he'd admitted to making a bad judgement (understatement), and it wouldn't happen again. I told her about the abusive talk and sited several examples she'd witnessed and couldn't excuse as a lie. I told her I'd burn in hell before I let him abuse my niece and if she wouldn't stop it I would. She said she'd "take care of it"> Basically, she dismissed it as me not liking him. I don't like him and I make no bones about it, but it's because of shit like this I dislike him. She said she'd do something. I'll give her the chance. But I did make her say she understood I wouldn't sit idle while it happened. I used stronger language than I 'm used to. Typically I'm more of a let life happen kind of person. It takes a lot to get me here. I also made sure she understood I love her and her kids, and it was only for thier betterment I'd ever say anything at all. Thanks again for "listening". And for the good advice. BTW, the "dad" isn' t in the picture at all. Lke I said, she's into losers... I'll let you know how it turns out. Peace.

 

I was in LOVE with this man, very much older than me. I went through the very same things that you described of your sister-in-law. I am going to tell you this......LISTEN CLOSELY.......

What ever you do, DO NOT PUT HIM DOWN (SHE WILL ONLY DEFEND HIM), DO NOT ASK HER WHY SHE PUTS UP WITH IT(SHE WILL DEFEND HIS MOTIVES), DO NOT TELL HER THAT SHE NEEDS TO GET OUT(SHE WILL FIND EXCUSES TO STAY AND TELL YOU TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RATHER..............................

TELL HER ONE MAYBE TWO EXAMPLES OF WHAT YOU NOTICED, KEEP IT SIMPLE AND TO THE POINT, ::::KEEP TALKING(DO NOT GIVE HER THE CHANCE TO RESPOND WITH EXCUSES FOR HIS DUMB ASS):::: TELL HER THAT IF SHE EVER NEEDS TO GET AWAY OR IF SHE HAS JUST HAD ENOUGH THAT YOU ARE THERE FOR HER, EVEN IF IT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE TO RELOCATE, THAT HER AND THE GIRL'S HAPPINESS AND SAFETY ARE #1 PRIORITY AND THAT YOU HOPE THAT SHE WOULD NEVER SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST.

THAT IS ALL YOU SAY, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ELSE ON THE SUBJECT.

AS DAYS GO BY AND YOU TALK TO HER, TELL HER "I'M HERE FOR YOU" OR I'M THERE FOR YOU BABE"

A WOMAN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS BEEN MARRIED 2 TIMES BEFORE IS WHAT I CALL A "JERK MAGNET". UNTIL SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH SHE WILL NOT LEAVE.

IF AND WHEN SHE DOES LEAEVE THIS CREEP, ENCOURAGE HER TO STAY SINGLE, TAKE SOME TIME FOR HER AND THE KIDS, TO WRITE DOWN WHAT SHE WILL AND WILL NOT PUT UP WITH IN A MAN. AND WHAT SHE COULD DO FOR SELF IMPROVEMENT. TO ULTIMATELY FIND OUT WHY SHE ATTRACTS JERKS.

OTHER THAN THAT.....PRAY, I SAY PRAY, EVERYONE THAT SEES THIS, PRAY.

 

And if I were you, FlyingBurrito, I'd listen to my mother. She's been through every role in this situation (less the abusive one...she's too sweet for that!).

If there is one thing my momma knows, it's what to do about abusive relationships and how to save people from them.

 

It went exactly as you said. She made excuses and dismissed everything I said about him AND the incidences I'd witnessed firsthand. I did all the stuff you said with her during her second divorce, and encouraged her to stay single. She's gone from boyfriend to boyfriend until she found this guy. She told me during our conversation she hoped to marry him. I did point out she'd been divorced twice and never been single a day. She even questioned my motives, and said I was jelous of the guy because I'd been mowing for her and fixing stuff that broke. And because I'm very close with my nieces. That hurt. BUT... her mother talked to her after I did and said she'd seen it too, and that people outside our family had noticed it (something I wasn't aware of). She said she talked to him, and he said he'd curb it. I can't do any more than that right now. Thanks for the good advice. I may PM you about this, if you don't mind. You were dead on. She is a jerk magnet. She doesn't seem to be happy unless she has one stuck to her.

 

That is so sadly funny.... I am sorry things went the way I said they would, but I remember my friends and family telling me that I shouldn't have to answer to him about seeing my family, or that 50 dollars a week for groceries was rediculous to feed 5 people and buy his lunches, that he expected our children to be chocolate soldiers on a shelf.
But my mom stopped saying anything to me about him for about a month, long enough for me to notice that she was not saying anything negative. Then she started saying things like, make sure you have his meals fixed on time, that is the least you could do (I am thinking to myself, I do everything on time and nothing is good enough......but I said you are right). Make sure the kids are quiet when he gets home (I am thinking to myself....they miss their dad and he should be more attentive to his children, but i said you are right). She kept talking about how he was a hard worker and me and the kids needed to shape up. My mother does not know what she did. She lit a fire in me that could just scream. I found myself hating him because he had my mother on his side and she no longer seen the hell I was going through. so instead of defending him, I dreamed of being away from him. Then one day I found a pamplet that talked about a shelter and I left him.
I got back with him several times, hoping that he had changed (he did from being a religous fanatic to being a pervert, or being mister generous to the scrooge that he was before) before I left for good.
You may trying to be quiet for a while.
Then start talking about the positve things about him.
When she starts complaining about him.......you defend him.


Just a thought..........I hope I can find somewhere on here to share the good things in my life. LOL


PM me anytime.

 

My mother does this and it is slightly screwed up (no offense) because when I am with someone she hates she praises him and when I am with someone she likes she puts him down, but she hasn't changed her mind about the abusive drug user and he is still the most wonderful man in the world. I honestly would rather have her support in any situation rather than trying to guess at how she really feels.
Had

 

It really is the responsiblilty of someone who witnesses abuse to report it to Child Protective Services. You can't count on your SIL to leave him, you certainly won't expect him to change, and the abuse will continue.

CPS will make her a deal, she leaves him, or they take the kids AND they keep tabs on her to make sure he is nowhere near the children. This is your responsibilty to do. I am so glad you are concerned about these poor kids, but there is more to it than just getting upset, action has to be taken. Talking to her at this point is like talking to a brick wall. Only Child Protective Services can deal with this.

Call CPS NOW! Please. NOT the police, they won't do a freakin thing. Call Child Protective Sevices or Department of Child and Family Services in your County. They will deal with it, and promptly. Please.

 

Also, and I am NOT saying that you did this at all, I'm just saying make sure that you don't, but don't put her down for how bad her judgement with men is, etc. When I was in a similar situation, my family criticized me endlessly for being stupid enough to get with a dumbass like that. I felt so stupid. It took me a lot longer to leave because I felt like nobody would help me out because they all thought I was so dumb. So, encourage her. That way, when she's ready to leave, she will feel like she has some moral support.

 

Quick update... I guess it's been about 4 or 5 weeks since this happened. I got in SO MUCH shit for this with my inlaws! They all walked around me looking at me like I was the antiChrist! But... I haven't heard anymore abusive talk or yelling at them from "the boyfriend", so mission accomplished so far. Hey, I'll take a hit for the right reason. Now everyone is more back to normal and I'm no tthe bad guy anymore. At least not to my face. He told the kids not to run to me and I told them MAKE SURE you run to me, cuz I'll make it stop whatever it is! Anyway, just thought I'd give an update. Peace.

 

good for you. as the child of such a household, i wish we'd had someone looking out for us, no matter how pissed off the rest of the family would be. people just like to bury their heads in the sand, you know?