i cheated.

ive been dating this guy for a week. i like him a lot, and i really want this relationship to work out. the other night, he was camping with friends and one of my high school friends had a party at his house.

some things i guess i'll clear up before i continue:
-my bf is from the city, and i grew up in the suburbs so he doesnt know my high school friends (for the most part, he's met a few of them but he isn't friends with any of them)
-the guy who is hosting the party is gay, and i've hooked up with him before (a long time ago, he wanted to see what it was like to have sex with a girl...)

anyway, so i ended up getting really really drunk while also talking about my boyfriend to people and it was pretty obvious at that point to anyone who didn't already know that i was seeing someone.

This other gay guy happened to be there, Jason, and I had never met him before but he was also being very flirty with Luke, the host, so I wasn't too worried about anything happening by accident or anything like that.

It was starting to get late, and I was tired. I asked Luke where I could sleep. He led me up to his room because it was the only unoccupied bedroom. I was legitimately planning on going to bed, I was exhausted, but Luke and Jason followed me in. I was fine with sharing a bed with them, it was a pretty big mattress so we all fit comfortably.

Then things started getting weird, I'm not really sure exactly how it all happened (I might have blacked out a little bit) but things got out of hand and there was this whole threesome thing going on all of a sudden. I was freaking out the whole time, I knew it was fucked up, I knew I shouldn't be doing this. I didn't know how to stop it though, I wasn't thinking straight because I was drunk. I tried to give them more time to each other, which kind of worked.

I didn't end up having sex with either of them, I think one of them might have eaten me out or something but I couldn't even get turned on in the slightest bit the whole time because I was so freaked out. I managed to get away and said I had to pee or something, put on my clothes and went outside and called my roommate.

I talked to her for a minute but it was like 5am and she was really tired so I don't think she really talked to me much about it, if she said anything to me I can't remember what it was. I was even more exhausted, and looked around for an empty couch or something but no luck. I went back upstairs, where Jason and Luke were still fooling around and asked if there were any other rooms I could sleep in. Luke said no, so I just (left my clothes on) took over part of the bed while they had sex on the other side. I passed out almost immediately and I honestly had no problem sleeping to them having sex, I was just glad they were done with me.

I woke up feeling like shit, I talked to two of my roommates and one said I shouldn't tell him and one said that I should. I've been thinking a lot about it and still have no idea what to do. We've only been dating a week and I don't want to mess things up. I know its something I would never do again, it was just a drunken mistake. I'd rather just pretend it was a bad dream or something and forget about it and not tell my boyfriend just cause it would make it his problem, and mess up our relationship when it's just starting.

I understand that theres the whole honesty and trust thing but I feel like I already broke it and telling him won't solve anything. The only thing telling him would do is allow him to decide if he wants to stay with me or not, and either decision he makes would make him feel like shit, and if we stay together all our trust between each other would be lost.

I want this relationship to work out, and I know I'm justifying it by saying this but I stopped the whole situation before it went too far, I hated every moment of it, I felt awful the whole time, I still feel awful, I learned my lesson, I'll move on.

Part of me just wants to break up with him and not tell him anything because I feel like such a shitty person that I don't deserve to be with him anymore, but I know it would be a stupid decision to do that.

Thoughts? Advice? Anything? I'm not going to see him until later next week cause I'll be at the shore when he comes home from camping, so I pretty much have till next week to decide what I want to do and how I should handle the situation.

 

I'm not sure if getting drunk and passing out counts. You weren't into it and if you were sober you would have stopped it sooner. You could even tell your boyfriend you passed out in bed with two gays and leave it at that. If anyone tells him different you just have to shrug and say "Look at 'em, they're so homo bro!"

End.

 

If you tell it just like that, you're going to seem kinda sketchy to him, he doesn't know your friends and might suspect you to have been the one standing over everyone, cracking a whip

But I tend to be against secrecy and shit....

Tell him you got drunk and slept in a bed with two gay guys going at it, and they got up on you and tried to get you to join in but you weren't into it and passed out. Isn't that exactly what happened?

 

Thats the way I'm seeing it Roo.

 

i mean.... one of them ate me out. if i was sober theres no way anything would have happened at all, i mean being drunk isnt really an excuse but it kinda is... i know how i am when im drunk and i know how i am when im sober, theres no way this would have happened if i wasnt as drunk as i was.

i would feel bad telling him a short version and saying i didnt do anything, cause then thats just straight up lying.

would it be really awful if i just didnt tell him anything? also theres a 99.99% chance he wont find out through someone else, no one knows we hooked up except for the two guys and i already texted the one i know and told him to not tell anyone, and he wasn't going to anyway and I trust him(plus none of my friends at the party know my boyfriend anyway so theres no way for any of them to get into contact with him or something)

 

i think there's probably a strong chance she copped off with one of them at least.

 

i made out with both of them, one of them ate me out, i know that i didnt have sex with either of them and i didnt do anything to them, i didnt even touch either of them

 

Hah.... you trust him, even though he knew you had a boyfriend and tried to entrap you into this?

It sure does sound like you where complacent with it.

I dunno, maybe tell him everything.... Stuff built on secrecy and half truths doesn't last.

 

well he also has a boyfriend, and obviously doesnt care.

i mean to say i trust he wont tell anyone about us, when we hooked up before he never told anyone and we didn't agree to keep it a secret or anything. i think he just understands that there are some things you shouldn't talk about it.

but even if he did tell anyone, no one that he would tell knows my boyfriend, so theres no way of it getting back to him.

 

and i guess i consented in the sense that i was blacked out for half of it and too drunk to really have any control over the situation

 

You have had sex with this guy before, you went to his place drinking with him, got drunk and climbed into a bed with him and the other guy.

Does being passed out grant consent? Of course not, but this is a case where it is convenient for you to make that claim in order to try to avoid responsibility for your actions.

See your other thread about it.

 

i went to a party at his house with absolutely no intent on hooking up with him. we've been drunk together before and not hooked up, the time we had sex was over a year ago and we haven't hooked up since.

 

Whatever... if you came here hoping everyone was going to say it was okay that you cheated or that it is okay if you lie about it... too bad...

You cheated on your boyfriend... That makes you a cheater...

Now, If you don't tell him, then you can never claim to like him, respect him, or love him, because none of that means shit coming from a lying cheating bitch.

 

i just came here to get more ideas of what i should do, and im glad you're sharing your opinion. im not looking for people to try and make me feel better, because i feel like shit and i deserve that.

 

qtf

 

Well then, glad to be of help.

The ONLY way out of this with any shred of self respect left is for you to tell him what happened.

THAT is how you show respect when you fuck up, not by trying to hide it.


Oh, and when I say tell him what happened, I mean without the bullshit of "It wasn't my fault cause I was drunk or because he knew I had a bf"...

Luke isn't the one going out with your boyfriend, he doesn't owe him anything.... It is up to you to be faithful to your word, not other people to do it for you.

 

+1

I would only add that I was an alcoholic for 10 years, and I can now say that alcohol has never made me do anything. Quite the contrary, I drank in order to be able to do things that I already wanted to do.

It`s cool to have feelings of regret, but I also remember beating myself in the head as a way to drink more. When I said to myself, "I am unworthy, or I deserve it", it was also when I said to myself subconsciously, "I don`t want to do anything about it so let me go ahead and pretend to myself that I am a lost case."

More important than even your boyfriend is why do you do it to yourself? Why do you say you want a relationship to work when your actions say something different? Could you not allow yourself to be single and have sex with whomever you wanted, when you wanted?

 

i feel so awful that i really do want to break up with him right now (or when i see him) just so that he doesn't need to know what happened and because i just simply don't deserve to be with him.
i dont want to tell him because i dont want him to know, not because im afraid of what the consequences would be, i know i deserve whatever happens, but because i dont want him to have to deal with the pain of knowing that i cheated on him. i'd rather him never find out, ignorance is bliss, right?
i just dont want to hurt him, i'd rather just deal with all the pain myself and suck it up and wait for this guilt to subside over time. i feel like its kinda selfish for me to tell him, it rids me of my guilt and makes him feel like shit.

maybe i'm just saying this because of the situation im in now, but if he cheated on me while camping with his friends who i've never met, i'd rather just never find out about it then for him to tell me and make this big situation i now have to deal with.

im already a horrible person, not telling him would make him feel better (or well, the same) and me feel worse, which is fine with me, and breaking up with him would make me lose him which is what i want at this point because i dont deserve to be with him at all right now.

 

So now you don`t want to tell him because you`re so sensitive to his feelings and unselfish? Are you sure not wanting to own up to your actions isn`t a part of it?

 

Not telling him, says you have zero respect for him and don't care about him.

If you do care and respect him, tell him the truth and let HIM make his own decision about it.

Running away solves nothing...

YOU took these actions... now YOU must face up to them...