:sad:ive come to the point in my life where i am absolutely trapped. trapped by my addictions and negative behaviortrapped in my own head and body chained by the negative karma ive built my life with. ive always known i was limited by boundaries but now ive developed such a strong tendency to behave like a fucking scumbag that deserves much worse than death. i insult and deny my family ive lost just about every real friend ive ever had and i just stole from the only girl i ever loved. i called her and discovered she had a boyfriend the next day i got drunk and felt such an extreme mix of love and hatred i truly just wanted swift death so instead i called her told her i could get drugs and when she came to meet me i just took the money and ranshe was crying chasing me and i told her to fuck off. i want to kill myself not even to escape my own pain i can do that the rest of my life with drugs but im so sick of causing pain to everyone around me i feel i should just die. i love her so much and i am crying just thinkinghow i could do something like that i am inhuman i believe whatever shadow of god or soul or has left me years ago moreover i sold it away. i have been clean from everything but pot beer and ecstasy for at least two months.the only thing thats different is im not constipated all the time. i know as i sit hear with a needle spoon and four bags that im throwing those two months away along with all the effort ive made to change myself and live a good life. i am too weak and i just feel like im climbing a mountainthat never ends with avalanches every step of the way. i love the world and all the people in it soooo much it actually hurts my in chest but i feel so lost and unable to bring any positive change. what i did to my ex gf is my confirmation that i deserve immense suffering and even knowing that i will not suffer directly for my wrongs makes me even more empty, meaningless and void of hope. im going to send her the money back but i have gone too far to ever redeem myself fully. i am crying nowand i want to numb myslef so this is the end of my post.
Self pity sucks. You obviously know what all your failings are, so fucking do something about it! You're the only one that can turn this around. OK, so you've done some bad stuff, get over it. Move on! Using again is not going to solve any problems. It's very easy to turn to a crutch when life is shit. It's a bigger man that can deal with stuff free from chemical or alcoholic help! I hope you think about how you can move on from this. All of us who have used drugs in a big way have done some pretty shit stuff. Stay clean and get your life in order. Please!
That ecstacy is more damaging than it seems. I know from experience. It takes time, friend. It takes effort, sweat, and pain. You will see. As you continue to make a true effort to be kind to those around you, even when they aren't, you will receive signs that help you to continue. Be thankful that your body is still healthy enough to tell you that what you are doing is wrong.
you're right. you can't redeem yourself when you have no soul left. or compassion. whatever happened to that money you were going to send? what happened to that money you were going to give to me on saturday? is there a reason why you won't answer the phone? because you come to hip forums seeking help from people who don't know you and dont know the horrible things you have done to me and your family. you showed your true colors when you robbed me, and when you reflect on your mistakes as "sounding like a little bitch." Truth is, you have no compassion or sense of wrong doing, and when you do, you quickly numb it out with drugs or you see yourself as being weak, when you're really being human. I feel bad for you Sean.
if i've ever been around evil, you were the closest to it that i've ever felt. i never wish anything you did to me onto anyone else. and i never wish anything bad onto you.
roamingfree- of course you wish bad on him. it's obvious from your post. why else would you refer to him as evil and tell him there is no chance of being redeemed? what you say is untrue and based on your personal emotions. no one, including sean, should take you seriously until you have something more constructive to express. sean's behavior is not an excuse for yours.
haha it's funny that you believe your reply to be constructive based on the fact that you don't know who Sean nor I are. Or the fact that Sean and I know each other. My behavior has been acceptance of what has been done to me. Of course I am angry. The reasons are none of your business, besides that of which Sean has expressed (robbing me). If you believe that simply stating an angry reply to his insincerity and his robbery of my posessions inappropriate behavior, then I question your moral judgement. I'm sure someone with enough boldness to have such a strong opinion on a matter they have no knowledge of doesn't have a lot of moral judgement, nor cares to. And that is why you are defending a thief, a domestic abuser, a liar and a cheater.
you're right, i don't have alot of moral judgement. i didn't defend him. i pointed out your hypocrisy. time for you to move on, let him learn his lessons. you aren't making anything better for him or yourself. i have no ill feelings towards you.
