HELP...i fucked up the only thing i care about!!!!!!!!!

oh man do i have a headache. i have been up for like 40 hrs now thinking about me and my girlies problems. let me begin by saying, it is my fault we are in this mess. she asked a simple thing, for me to not put drinks behind her computer, and while eating in her room yesterday, i did, and she flipped out. she has asked me not to, so when she starts yelling i say "its ok, i didnt leave it there, i was with it the whoel time"...stupid, i know, but, i didnt expect her reaction, so i tried explaining myself. big mistake. i guess i was just supposed to say, im an idiot, my bad. i did say it eventually, i just tried to explain so as to calm her down. even worse, after, we were shredding papers for her lawyer daddy, and i tossed her a stack to keep shredding that i had just separated for her. it bounced off her leg, she immediately picked up ALL the papers, and chucked them at my face. now, i understand she thoguth i was throwing somehting at her. but like, after some "wtf was that for" and "fuck you's" i realized she hadnt seen the papers coming and that she was just reacting. i feel a simple apology on both of our parts (me for not makign sure she was ready for my toss, and her for INTENTIONALLY tryign to hurt me back) would fix it. it did not. two wrongs dont make a right
so now, she is pissed. now she doesnt want to hang out everyday liek we do. literally everyday i get off work, skip class and go to her. its all i want to do and all she does too. after little fights, she always is the one to take it a step further...whereas no matter what the crime, if i hear a person say a genuine apology, i forgive and forget ON THE SPOT. im not trying to divulge our personal lifes, but this girl has broken some INTENSELY bad info to me on more than one occassion, to which i simply would say "you really hurt me babe, but i lov eyou, and we can work through it"
it gets worse. so she finally calls me back last night, and we argue. arguing being me saying, "baby, im sorry i did soemthing u aske dme not to and argued with you for it, pelase, can we move on" she chimes in with this not wanting to be togteher every day anymore. this is like the nail in my coffin. shes taking away the only thing i want. when we fight, after, she always says "you know i didnt want to do that, but i had to" why cant the apology go both ways with forgiveness? heres the bad part. in fights, she explains her extreme anger as her "putting up her wall" to protect herself. she also says she will no longer need the wall when she is married because then she will have decided she no longer needs it, because she has made the choice to be with this one person, and that is a final thing (we both dont believe in divorce) i honestly think these little things get blown out of proportion because our relationship is PERFECT otherwise. we get each other. we have mind blowing sex. shes funny, sexy, my best friend. so last night, i, hysterically crying, say, "jamie, i wish i didnt have to use the only thing i think that would drop your wall, but you need to know how sorry i am, and how time not spent with one another is the wrong idea, i want every minute of my life to be with you...jamie, i want you to marry me,..."

DOUCHE BAG DOUCHE BAG DOUCHE BAG

now all she can say is "i cant believe the first time you propose to me is in a fight"

shes right about the timing, but she doesnt realise i tried to ask her once givign her my dead grandfathers silver ring he made in the war that means more to me than anything, a temporary ring until we can move out together in a year when im done with school.

i have said the phrase "im so sorry" literally 11000 times. its not working. people, i am not embarassed to say i am literally having multiple panic attacks thinking i may either lose her, or that our relationship is now moving in the opposite direction. please, if you can think of anythign i can say that will show her i am the same guy who never cheated on her, never intentionally hurt her, who is just a dumb guy trying to make up for his mistakes, please please please tell me.

 

one question: do you love her, or do you need her?


that "extreme anger" is probably more a form of manipulation than self-preservation. It's not going to stop once she gets married, it's likely to get even worse. I bet she's the sort always has some explanation, someone or something else to blame for her actions. It sounds like she can't just apologize and leave it at that, nothing is never her fault is it? Your relationship sounds far from perfect to me, it honestly sounds like you would be much better off without someone who makes you feel so bad.

 

not the case. i dont need her, i love this girl more than myself. this is my soul mate. she admits to being wrong when she is. if anything, she thinks i try to put the blame elsewhere when i am honestly trying to explain why i did what i did, whatever that may be at the time. but she doesnt care to hear why i did somehting wrong, just that im sorry and wont do it again. i always give someone a chance to explain themself. i dont know. i just wish she knew that i understand i messed up and doesnt need to act like a judge and punish us further than the pain of our fight already. i made my mistake, i said i was genuinely sorry. i dont know what else i can do.

 

As much as this hurts and sucks I'd give her a little bit of space. If you smother her and keep fighting you might lose the one you really want.

When my husband and I were dating we broke up for 4 months. It was the hardest, lonelyest, heartbreaking 4 months. I'm not saying it has to be like that for you. During that 4 months we got to work on ourselves and grow as individuals. (more so him than me) When we finally got back together and wanted to make it work we've found a way to communicate with each other that is not offensive but it is productive. We don't yell or swear at each other. There is much respect.

Being able to say I'm sorry and move forward together will make your relationship stronger. If one needs some space then I'd try and respect that. Just don't spend your alone time listening to sad songs or looking at pictures of her. It will make you want to rip your eyes out!!!

 

its funny, i know i should give her what she wants, which i guess is a little space while she is mad...but like...lets look at what we fought over. i 100% admit it is my fault, i clearly know the problem (me not remebering to not put things in places she asked not to, and then trying to defened myself)...i just feel like, ok, the crime has been committed, we've already done the punishment...if this is meant to last, we should be able to just go...."ok, you fucke dup, you argued, but you clearly are sorry, come over here and give me a hug"

but thats the last thing she wants to do...she hates when i ask for a hug after a fight...seriously, i can't take it anymore, i want to put a bullet through my head because i can't figure out how to make her realize i'm not perfect, but i honestly try my hardest with all things concerning her...time is not on my side, time hurts....

 

I remember that time. That time felt like death at times. I hated that pain.

What does she want after a fight? Is there a way you could hold off on the hug till she calms down a bit and is ready to receive it without cringing?

We all make mistakes. Most people though when it's in the heat of anger won't admit when they are wrong. I had to learn how to do that. (years of therapy) An arguement 10 years ago lasts about 3 seconds today. Some things are just not important. Especially when you can see the bigger picture.

Don't shoot yourself in the head. This could turn out more wonderful than you could ever of imagined.

 

holy crap is she ever volatile sounding
I don't think I could deal with someone who flips out over such little things, but that's me


Umm, re fighting and forgivenes... remember that not everyone is wired to be able to let go of things so nice and easily as some of us can. Being able to forgive easily and quickly is more of an anomaly than the other way of things

 

its not even that shes volatile...she doesnt want to hear that i dont want to spend a few days alone...she says i need this. i just want her back how i had her...a fight like the one we had should not have left her thinking the only solution is to change our relationship status to seeing each other less often...

i dont know how i am going to fix this...shes just so set in her ways that she made this rule and she has to stick to it even though we both dont want it...the punishment doesnt fit the crime. we dont execute people for stealing bread in america...

how do you convince someone you know you made a mistake and the only thing that needs to change is the distance between us because of the fight...when shes angry she wants alone time, when shes happy with me, jesus, life doesnt get any sweeter...

 

Well if she wants alone time, then the only thing to do is give her space. Don't contact her for a day and then call and ask how she is, or even better, let her call you. I agree she is seriously overreacting, but if she hsa asked you for space, then you need to respect that, as hard is it is. Give her a cooling off period and then hopefully you two can sit down together and talk through your issues.

Good luck and hope that helps.

 

Listen to what she says--that's what she wants.And try not to be so needy.

 

i'm reading these, and i see a problem. she is ok with time apart, she is ok with needing a few days, she is ok with "seeing who calls who back"
i'm a straightforward guy. i always call first. i think im afraid she just, wont call back, ever. i know i know, how can i think of marrying someone who i dont knwo is going to call back? right? wel llike, of course she is going to call eventually, btu she is particularly strong on the "not giving in thing"...WITH EVERYTHING...she won't. i would rather be the pussy to call back just to end the problem. i dont need to be the "cooler" person, not if i love the person, if it is love, in my eyes, you are always 100% of the time trying to do EVERYTHING in your power to make sure the other person is as happy as possible. i know i do this. i believe she is genuinely concerned about me and my feelings, she just would rather protect herself than show she cares or something, i dont know how to word it.
i seriously am at a loss. for example, we talked an hour ago, and i offered to bring over these patterns so i could start teaching her how to sew (yeah i know im a homo) and she is all like "nice to know now youre willing to teach me now that we're fighting"....what can i say to that...jesus christ, she tells me to think about what she says, well shit, she has been asking me to teach her to sew, i offered to bring the patterns over, and i was gonna surprise her with some cool materials too, you know, just trying to show i hear what she says, and that i can go the extra step for her. nope, no good.

i've apologized, i've tried everything, i've listened to what shes upset about, i repeat it back to her in my own words to show i heard, comprehend and processed the info....nothing. just the same thing over and over..."stop getting stuck on the not seeing each other thing"

i need to buy a bullet and rent a gun

 

With all due respect ,you are one of the neediest persons I've come across.Come on man--have some self respect.How can this person be good for you?Being as how you are 'begging' now,you'll never have an equal relationship with her.---Again-----listen to what she says---that's what she wants.It may be time to man up and move on.OK--------I'm done.

 

are you kidding me? She yells at you for having some water near the computer (not a clever idea, but not yell-worthy), she throws things at you and says 'fuck you' for you tossing her some paper... that's overreacting in my book
but that's me.



Anyways, yeah, you're coming off as really needy and insecure. I mean, really really needy and insecure. Not sure if it's just because it's the net or if that's how you really are. That sort of neediness scares most women off.

I think that some time apart could be good for you guys. I dont' mean not seeing each other for months on end, but three days out of the week together instead of 7.

Explain to her that you always reaching out, always picking up the phone makes you feel unwanted and un-needed. Don't demand that she call you 50/50, but let her know it makes you feel really good when she shows interest in you too, even if it's as little a thing as her calling first a quarter of the time or something like that.

 

totally unhealthy relationship, for both of you. I think you do need her. It's not the same as loving someone. You sound to me like a needy insecure pissant. And she sounds like an aggressive, verbally and emotionallly abusive bitch.


at the very least, you need to get a hobby, go do something at least every other day that doesn't involve her. Get a life and have some fun without her yelling at you the entire time. You might find that you rather enjoy the time away from her overbearing ways.

 

we talked last night. apparently i have been treating her differently since the beginning of our relationship...which in a way is true. when you first meet, everything is peachy, you do everything you can to "impress" your new sigother...however, eventually, you learn most of the other person and fall into a comfort zone; this is a nice place for me. apparently i have come off as taking her for granted...well, i can understand that to a degree, if someone is used to being treated like a princess for almost 2 years, and suddenly (or not so suddenly) they see a difference, thats fine. i can deal with that. apparently she didnt want time apart, just some time to get over our blowout, and the change she spoke of wasn't that she wanted our status to decrease, but just how we (or me i guess) talk to one another. she felt suffocated. in a way, that scares me, the person you love should never suffocate you. she could move in with me, take my dressers, my bed, my closet, my bathroom, everything, and i would not feel suffocated; im in love. but i guess everyone is different, everyone defines love differently, and everyone has their limits. im happy we saw ours before it was too late. shes not volatile, im just overly-easy-going. nothing shows up on my radar unless its a shitstorm.
hopefully we'll see each other today and see if that makeup-awkwardness is there...i sure as hell hope not...im going to marry this woman

 

It's always peachy at the beginning. Now you're seeing what you'll get for the rest of your life if you stay with this person. Do you notice how the problem never really ends, it just evolves? Notice how it's always your fault, that even when she admits she's wrong there's that subtle hint that you're wrong too? I've been where you are. I hope I'm not too harsh (four days, no cigarettes, yay me), but I know you don't recognize just how screwed the relationship is. The sooner you realize this, the better off you'll be. You've got a little problem called codependency, she's feeding off of it like a parasite, and the both of you are spiraling out in one dysfunctional dance.

 

well, i disagree...we are actually doing good now, i think we just had some unspoken issues.

 

Congrats on your 4 days!

You are not being harsh however I have to disagree with you to a certain extent. My husband and I changed so much over the years. We are who we want to be and compliment each other very nicely. The funny thing is we are so opposite in SO many areas but the BIG PICTURE we are the same.

At some point the person has to figure out what they want and what they are willing to do to get there. I needed therapy to help me. (Sometimes I could use a refresher course.)

You both are young. You have lots of years to grow together. What is today will not be the same 10-15 years from now. People change if they really want to. Age helps a lot too.

Do you have plans to see each other today? Did you both do something last night or did you spend it talking on the phone?

 

we are perfect again! we talked this morning...ironed everything out. we basically just needed to talk...minor things, shit, she even asked if there was anything i want her to work on...amazing!

i think i need to understand the giving-of-space concept. everyone needs there own time, im not one of thos epeople, but i see how people can be. thanks to everyone who commented, it really helped keep me sane, and focused on whats important to me...my jamie!

 

Remember that confidence is sexy. Also when little things are being fought over usually it is just an outlet for what is really bothering us.