He lied to me...

Well, i never thought I'D ever be posting this kind of thing in here...little Miss Look at my Lovely Relationship...but today the metaphorical equivelant of a good sharp slap to the face was given to me, and the dream, apparently, melted...

As some of you have probably noticed, ive been very excited these past few months...a new and exciting promise beckoned, and i was running all the way...
About 6 months ago now, my partner and i decided to live together. "Well buy our own flat", he said. "My mum has promised to lend us the money, and well both pay her back, like a mortgage."
"Are you sure we shouldnt rent to start with?" i asked.
"Of course not. This is our very own future."
And so, for the past six months, weve been arranging this. A new life with the man i love...our own little place. A few weeks ago, we spotted what we thought to be our perfect future home, and made an offer which was accepted. This is it, I thought...

My mum had started to buy us little things for the flat...towels, cutlery...I had began to say my goodbyes, go on "final" trips with my friends, brushed up on my French, prepared to be a foreigner, prepared to leave everything ive ever known...The past year or so had been a preparation for this...this letdown, which came today...

"My mum cant really lend the money. I never asked her until today...i assumed she would, hoped she would...oh how i hoped she would. But she cant...and now ill have to wait until i have a better job to get my own bank loan, which will take a few more months...and its unlikely well get the flat we chose."

Now, its not the fact that we cant have the flat thats vexed me, or the fact ill have to wait longer...its that 6 or so months i resent...all that time he was encouraging me to dream, saying how great itll be when were there together in our home in May...he was encouraging me to believe a lie, mastering deception like an artform. He let my friends get upset because i was going...he let my mother buy damn towels! He let me save up money, say goodbye...I just feel like ive been living a lie all this time...stupidly persuing something non-existent for his entertainment...

And his excuse? "Because i wanted it to work with my mum so much, i believed it would. So it wasnt a lie"...

Oh i dont know what to do I now have a choice of waiting longer, forgiving this apparent confusion of fantasy and reality and forgetting all about it...Or...God i dont know. Im very confused at the moment. Wow, this was long. My apologies people.

Love-Maxi.Xx

 

Nice to see i have so much sympathy on your part

So what do i do?

 

well i know ya not gonna like my answer but ,,,,, dont ever depend upon another person to do what you should do.... which is in effect what both were hoping for,,,, perfectly normal at 18 which is why this is such a slap in the face for you.... ... chalk it up to lesson learned n keep on goin on,,, ,,,, the bf thats your decision n yours only,,, noone here knows him or you in the way that should define a relationship continuing or ending...

 

Well, i dont mind your answer at all im just not sure i understand it too well...

As i am in England and currently a student, im not really sure how i could have organised a French mortgage. Like i said, i was happy to rent. It was him who insisted on buying...Also, i already had a job lined up up France (and still do) to help pay off my share of the mortgage...so i dont really see how all the duty was on him, especially as all was his idea.

Xx

 

ohhhhhhhhhhh k,, silly question maybe but if this is a partnership then why are you leaving the mortgage thing all up to him,,, thats a decision partners should handle together...

like i said dont ever depend solely on another for anything that should be your responsibility....you will land in a puddle each time...

 

Mmmmm.......that reminds me very much of someone I know, or at least thought I did. Still, it all worked out for the best, as the girl who was promised, well basically the same as you, is now extremely happy with someone else. Luck to you!

 

As i stated above, the mortgage was not left solely up to him. I was involved. I was willing to practise speaking a foreign language intensively for months to get a job to help pay the damn thing. Also, as stated, theres a limit to how much paperwork i can handle from over the channel. Also, as stated, he claimed to have the matter all in hand. I believe i was sacrifcing more than enough. I was, and am anything but over-reliant.

 

i diegress... each time you type you are basically proving my point,,,, but you are not seein it the way i do ... therefore no matter what i say is mute...
luv n lite

 

Can you please elaborate on your point?

The amount of sacrifice involved on my side is huge. Was huge (Im still unsure of tenses) All money would (will) be paid back in equal shares...
I cannot just walk down the street into a french solicitors building...furthermore, my partner wouldnt (didnt) want me to...

Please do enlighten...

 

You understood their point? wish i did

 

not a bleak outlook in the least cooloner ,,, just one that isnt shrouded in rose colored glasses,,,, we got what we got ,, aint changed aint never gonna change ,,, when it comes to ones BASIC needs in life,, we have to be responsible for it,,,, aint noone else gonna be,,, and to depend upon others will do nothing but leave us in a lurch.... happens all over the world every day....

 

The sod!
So basically now - your trust for him has taken a big boot.Well - I guess your'e going to have to wait and see how it pans out.I don't know how much you've talked about it - but make sure there hasn't been a misunderstanding - all too often people jump to the worst conclusions because half the facts aren't known.
But if he has been leading you on - what was is reason? Did you say it was something to do with his mother? - you could check that out a bit more and try and get to the bottom of what his motives were.Cos it would be a pointless lie otherwise - he has to have some sort of good reason.

I've been through something similar with a Pole-ish girl last year.I'm glad i don't have to learn it now - too difficult for my spongelike head..
Yakshemash dobje yeah - cheers..

 

Yah to the euro

Thanx for the response, im glad theres someone who knows what i mean. Yeah im left here wondering where my future will be...

We have talked a little...he says he wanted us to stay together so much (apparent motive)...that he actually believed itd all work with the flat...like, hed convinced himself, and so it wasnt really a lie (apparent excuse...is it really so easy to confuse myth and reality?)

Anyway, cheers


P.s-Yeah the trust things a major issue...how do i know that reality wont so terribly confuse him again?

 

Living with just my single, unemployed mother, brother and sister, for the first 18 years of my life, i believe i have learnt this lesson.

Xx

 

dilligaf is right, this time. You can't expect anyone else to make you happy. It's up to you to be happy or not. There is no Prince Charming gonna save you from this mean ol' world we live in. There is no happy ever after unless you go out and make your dreams come true, YOU, not anyone else, because they are your dreams and this is your life. You are too young to let yourself be so dependent upon a boy for everything. Forget him, let him find some other sucker to lie to and manipulate into doing whatever it is he wanted from you. You don't have to settle for being treated like an object, his possession. You deserve a man who treats you with respect. Moving in with your lover is no way to escape from your family. Go to college, live in the dorm if you have to, but don't jump into something with both feet not knowing what's laying in store for you right under the surface of the water.

 

I know you mean well, but it seems youve got this completely wrong...

First of all, this wasnt about seeking a Prince Charming, someone to "rescue" me...i know men cant do that, i know no-one can buy me happiness...i dont know why you assume i dont. Also, i dont know how many times i have to state that this is not about dependency...that mortgage will be, or would have been, paid back jointly, thank you very much. Theres no way im going to be anyones leech, i dont care who they are...

"Moving in with your lover is no way to escape your family"<--This one made me giggle a little. What on Earth made you assume i would want to escape my family? My wonderful mother, who has stuck by me through all this, raised me with hardly any money since i was newborn, been my friend? Does being 18 automatically make me a thrillseeking rebel, "running away" with some twisted lover?

On that note, i dont really believe im "too young" for anything. Now that sentence wasnt written because im being "naturally rebellious" OR because i am "finding my identity", but simply because it is true. Here we are classed as adults at 16, usually. But that is besides the point. The point is, i sense and know that i am ready for independence. Otherwise i wouldnt be doing this...

As for "go to college", i am in college at the moment as it happens, and due to take my final A level exams this May.

So yeah, i completely understand you meant well. But i think you and the other poster have completely mistranslated the whole situation...somehow.

Love-Maxi.Xx

 

I think that this all boils down to nievity (and procrastination) on your boyfriends part. It doesn't seem to me that he had any ill-intentions, just that he thought he would be able to get the money he needed from his mom, and instead he got a reality-check

Do you two absolutely have to buy a home, or can't you just rent a place to live? Is he open to that option now that he knows his mom isn't gonna help him with the purchase?

It's my personal opinion that a young adult excited to live with her love interest isn't sacrificing independance or running from her family. And from what the OP has said it doesn't seem that either of this couple intended to be dependant on the other in this situation.

I think most everyone else here has the wrong idea. The impression I am getting, verseau, is that you aren't sick of your family or want someone to take care of you, but desire to live together with your boyfriend. The deal between the two of you is that you'll both be pulling your own weight - splitting the bills, the mortgage, and so on, with his mom acting as the mortgage lender. What fell through is that your man expected to get money from his mom (lots of families help their children financially like that, maybe his never made it clear if they would or not), waited till last minute to ask assuming he would get it, and mom wasn't so receptive.

So the plans fell through - no one said moving out of home and into the world is easy. Mistakes are made, screw-ups happen. It's a learning experience. Trust me, my husband and I went through plenty of those learning experiences ourselves when we first moved in together, when we were your age. I don't think you have anything to worry about, I think that your man just screwed up more than it was a lie. No one's perfect

 

Sara, thank you so much...

That post made a lot of sense to me, and i think that is exactly it. The reason im disappointed is because wed painted this picture of our perfect life, and expected to get it...but all both of us really want is to live together...
I will most certainly suggest renting to him, because i really wouldnt mind doing that. It was just a misjudgement on his part...hes such a dreamer.
Anyway, thank you. You wouldnt believe how helpful thats been.

Ill keep people updated

Xx

 

We're all dreamers when we're young!

Please don't be discouraged by set-backs, because set-back are always going ot happen, trust me. Take them as learning experiences. Life just isn't perfect, and things rarely work out perfectly....but they do always seem to work out! Good luck to you two!