Getting excited about husband sleeping with another woman

I found this site yesterday and feel comfortable being here. when I introduced myself, saying that I want my husband to be friends with the woman he had an affair with and said that I didn't want an open marriage, I feel confused on how I am feeling. Since I found out of the affair which was a yr. ago, I have been feeling very excited about him sleeping with her. It sounds strange but it is how I feel. I have been struggling with myself because I feel I shouldn't feel this way because we are married. That I should just want him to myself, but I don't feel this way. I don't feel jealous or feel like this is wrong in anyway. We are very much in love and he just wants to be friends with her. He is worried that he will hurt me someway, but I reassure him that it is ok. When I let myself go with these feelings it is great. I love the person I have become and am still finding. We have grown so much from this affair-we have become stronger and closer and know things about each other that we never did and we have been married for 19 years together for 24. I like the fact that he would like to take care of her when she needs him. It is all so strange but it seems to be working for us. He had lunch with her yesterday and I was waiting for the jealousy feelings to come but they didn't. It was a great day all around.
Does anyone out there feel the same or know anyone that is in a situation like this? I would like to find someone that feels the same.

Cat

 

It sounds like, you are perfectly okay with having an open relationship, even if the two of you are married.

And, honestly, more power to you! That's an admirable thing (even if you only feel that way because it excites you, hehe).

You should talk to him about that, and talk to him about having an open relationship where you can both see other people.

The term for this is "swinging." You are both still very much dedicated to eachother, but that doesn't stop you from physically being with other people.

It brings out the huge difference between "having sex" and "making love." Only the two of you could make love.

 

Thanks for the respond. I have been really struggling with this but the more I read the more I see I may be into this. My husband has already said he wouldn't have a problem with me seeing someone else. I don't have any desire to do so though. I do have thoughts of the three of us though. I have also talked to my husband about that and he would be all for it we just don't know about her. I don't think I would want him to be with any one other than her. We know she is "safe" and he does love her. I believe that a person can love two people at a time.

 

Sometimes, swinging isn't just one on one.

Have a threesome, or foursome! Let the other folks know that you're only interested in a platonic, physical relationship, and that you are totally dedicated to your man. =) And let him know that too.

Maybe even show him this thread!

 

There is a world of difference between sex and makeing love.Once you learn to seperate the two things it all makes more sense.Being in love and married and haveing your fantasies fulfilled both together is so freeing.
My wife and I have sex with other couples together or at times anyone we want to.It's a physical thing for sex and an emotional thing for love and marriage.It is more fulfilling to say my married partner stays with me for love and I have no fear of them finding someone else,she can have anyone else she wants but stays with me because she wants to.Does this make sense to you at all?If not ask and I will explain more.

 

caterpillar ...i agree with rogerelliot ...we are a couple in open relationship and it works fine. Just make sure you can separate the sexual drive from the pure love. Yes we can love several people at same time. Try lo search internet for POLYAMORY.

 

My husband does love the other woman. The affair went on for 2 years before I found out so I know there is some history between them. At first, I was so angry. I don't think it was so much the part of him sleeping with her but the part that he lied to me. I talked to the other woman and I know her feelings. That she loved him too. I say loved because I put an end to it at first. I kept bouncing back and forth and I finally said that I was going with what I wanted and thought was good for all of us and that is for them to be friends and maybe more. They have started talking again after about 9 months of nothing and it seems like it is going like it use to. A little awkward but getting better. I see us all becoming friends, is that something that can happen without feelings getting in the way? So far, I don't feel that jealous or threatened and we have talked alot about different situations.

 

I'ts a throw back in many ways.If we use the word LOVE then it justifies what we are doing and the feelings connected through that.It relieves us of the quilt of sex w/o love involvement.Love is the original form if insanity,makes us do crazy things.Would you give your life for this other person?Is love that deep?
You have evolved in front of our eyes in a good way.The logic you have chosen to envoke is that evoltion.Not a lashing out in anger but a logical look at what is happening.To me thats very attractive.You have grown!

 

Thanks for understanding. Not too many people understand how I feel about this. I sometimes feel alone-like no one understands why I would want this. I use to be a very different person. I was very jealous and didn't want him to do anything without me. When I found out of the affair, it woke me up and changed me. Now, I don't think of anything negative. I always find the good in things. I love this new me and I know by letting this happen it will be good for all three of us. I saw this huge change in my husband when the affair was going on. It was a good change. Our marriage actually was getting better-I can't say our sex life was better because it has always been great but now that I have let myself be who I want to be it is -I don't even know the words to describe it-better than I ever imagined sex being. We have an amazing relationship and I don't mind sharing it. We both know that there will be days when I do have a jealous day and we said those are the days that it will be just about me.
I find that this is alot of fun and he really likes it. He can be who he really is and I accept him in everyway. It makes me love him more. And he loves me more for letting him be who he is. It is a very positive thing. Who would ever think it?

 

It is the freeing effect that is giving you the high and thats very good.If you make it through this there is nothing left to ever threaten your relationship together.Thats why it is so freeing.Now you both can concentrate on your relationship.For me it was a liberating action that now adds joy to everything I do.I believe this may be the wave of the future after traditional marriage fails to fulfill our lives.You may think few people agree with you but I bet that more than you think agree.
Enjoy the rest of you life.
Remember this,if you are not part of the solution then you are part of the problem.

 

I am having a hard time today. That doesn't mean that I don't want this though. I asked my husband to bring home a picture and he did. She looks different in all three. One she looks very hot. Looks so young. She just turned 43. The other two pictures she looks her age even a little older. I don't know why this bothers me. I do know, the pictures that he brought home were the ones he was supposed to throw away when I said to get rid of everthing about her at first. I am glad that he didn't now, but he lied to me again. I asked him several times if he threw them away and I believed him. There are several things that I asked him about that I am now catching him on. I know that we have a different relationship now than we had then but it makes me think that I won't be able to trust him to tell me the truth. That is a huge thing for me...and yes, I will admit, it was a surprise -I guess more of a reality check-to see her. All my insecurities came back and I dont like that. I don't like the person I use to be. I guess I have to keep telling myself that he loves both of us-that we both have qualities that he likes about each one of us. He saw how much this hurt me and said he loved me and that he didn't have to be her friend. I don't want that though. I think it is going to take me some time to get confident again.
Are you ever jealous? Can i ask how old you are roger? Did it take you some time to get where you are at or was it always like this for you and your wife?

Cat

 

My question to you is:
What does she want from your husband?
Does she just want a sexual relationship or does she want love....? I could see this open relationship working for awhile but I just think she will want more, you said they were together for 2 years so they obviouslly have something for one another.

 

It will be more, I think. They are already emotionally attached. This is hard for me today because I think she thinks she is better than me. I think that because she would tell him how good she was in bed and this was all behind my back. I have talked to her and she says it is just the friendship she wants. She says she is sorry for everything, for hurting me and my family. I don't know what to think anymore.

 

Hard days are not only limited to people in open marriages,its for all of us.
To answere your questions I am 54 now.We started about 10 years ago.What
helped me the most was a book titled "born to win". by James and jongward.
Its old but the ideas are still valid today.Reading the book will help build self esteem.Most important thing is to communicate constantly your feelings and thoughts.
I can't believe you got yourself to this point without professional help.I am deeply impressed by your attitude and emotional strength.
Another thing I love to read is by Deepak chopra.He is very heavy but so many new thoughts and ideas that give rise to questioning old ways and ideas
as to what is GOD and energy.
If you need to talk just email me any time.

 

How do I email you? Things are so much better today. It was a very hard day yesterday but I have found my confidence again and it feels great. My husband and I talked about the whole affair and what it meant to both of us, what we want, and what our future holds. He says he doesn't compare-that we both are very similar yet very different. He likes what he has with each of us. He doesn't want to lose either one of us but he says that if it comes down to it, he will not be friends with her because his life is with me. Yesterday I came to the conclusion that it was bothering me because I thought that if I admitted that she was hot then it made all the lying ok. He admits that it was wrong to lie to me and at the time to sleep with her although he says that he knew somehow it would be ok with me. We have been together for so long, I think we know each other inside out. I never wanted to admit that I think women are beautiful-that porn turns me on because of the way I was brought up. When the affair came out, I figured what do I have to lose now, I should just be myself and tell my husband how I really feel. To my surprise, it has made us stronger and more complete now. My husband loves it and why wouldn't he? My husband always tells me "at the end of the day, can you say you did everything to make yourself happy." I can answer yes to that now and that makes me feel good.
On Friday, my husband is taking the day off. I thought I would see if the three of us could have lunch. I have never met her and I think this would help me- to help all of us-get over the awkwardness. Should I suggest it?

 

Yes,have lunch and meet.I believe it will help you.Just remember you must always take the high road and keep honorable thoughts.The one thing you have that she doesnt is you are married to him.If things were reversed I don't believe she could handle it any where near as good as you have.What I mean is don't make digs at her and don't take the cheap shot,rise above all of that.Be mature!
My email address is rvmanriger@aol.com
Ant time you want feel free to talk
Dont you forget,your attitude makes you the better person in all of what you are experiencing nw.Keep that edge at all cost.
The biggest fear I have right now is the deception from your husband.My experience tells me hes not finished yet.He will slip back to the old way.Just help him stay on task and communicate completely open
You will never be hurt by this because you are now above it all and you have the power to make it what you want.

 

Caterpillar,
It seems like you're trying very hard to accept your husband's love affair and mold yourself into something you are not by nature. I really do applaud your ability to be optimistic and sharing about the whole thing but unless you do meet her finally, and have things out in the open between the three of you, your insecurities are going to destroy the way you 1) think about yourself, 2) think about your husband and 3) think about what kind of a relationship you have with your husband now with this other woman in the picture.

Have this meeting with her and if your gut still does twists and turns, and you're plagued by thoughts of being inferior in some way, don't you think perhaps you've been fooling yourself into thinking this is "okay" with you? Either way, all the best.

 

The email address I gave came out wrong somehow.My address is rvmanroger@aol.com
plase let me know how you are,I'am worried a little.

 

Sorry I havn't been on. Things have been a little crazy. My husband doesn't want me to meet her. For many different reasons. The first one is that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Because she is "cute" makes him think that I will be mad and wouldn't know what to say. He thinks that I would leave him. He now says that he doesn't want an "open" lifestyle. That it is something that I was pursuing and a road that we both probably couldn't accept. He says he loves me and just me. We have talked and talked about this and I was willing to go there-for him. I thought that if he loved her, I couldn't change or take away those feelings, so I thought he could have us both. Since then, he says he isn't in love with her but he does care for her. He sees her differently than when he was in the affair. He still thinks she's cute but says the excitement isn't there anymore. It is like two old friends. I can live like that. I can live anyway as long as I have him in my life. When I saw the pictures of her, the one I thought she was hot the other old and the one I couldn't stand at all. It kinda killed the fantasy. I didn't know which one she was. I was confused to say the least. My husband-being embarrassed because I was saying she old and ugly-tried to down play it and say she wasn't cute. He finally told me she really looks like the cute one just a little older. Maybe one day all three of us will get together but for right now-the friendship is important. Pretty confusing, you bet ya! I still like the fact that he slept with her though. Turns me on for some reason.

 

I feel relieved after reading your reply. I think all were worried a little about the meeting of all three and what might happen. Right now it sounds like you should explore the reasons that "turns me on for some reason". Every event that couples go through that does'nt destroy them makes them stronger and I believe you are now much stronger. For the difference between the pictures of her we all have those differences sometimes all three in the same day. Just depends on whats going on at that moment.
I am still very impressed with your strength through it all. I hear relief in your words of your reply.
Just dealing with daily events is enough for us to go through,no one needs extra problems. You've done well grass hopper.