Galileo asked me if I had some time to spare I saw my reaction in a reflection in a puddle I guess he heard the rest in my head Because he left my side to gaze at the stars I walked alone to the beat of the drums in my brain Bounced to the music and the madness and the minutes Every step a measure in a beautiful symphony my body played I thought about his words And why time was such an essence Because to me it is inevitably infinite And when I reached my home, there was a note on the door Saying I'd met my match He'll make me feel humble, perfect and pure Bring me down from this ego trip And as Galileo screamed from his prison cell And the stars crashed down around me I ran to find this man They say he will save my suffering soul Let me live one normal life I didn't know who he was But I know just where he'd be My bare feet felt the cool dew of the morning grass And soon so did my knees Our tears mixed, and our skin touched And he whispered wonderful words of wisdom I've never felt such ecstasy, than the moment he kissed my tear From the corner DaVinci painted us With every stroke we were immortalized Eyes glazed Limbs entwined And when I opened up my eyes That portrait, was all that was left behind
Wow! delightfully tasty... umm chill... cool... real. blue grounded night.. beatiful. yeah truly beautiful. I look for independence, but even independence is dependent upon something. So yeah. love. hmm, well spoken
This is a pretty good poem, I liked reading it. Had a great intro, but it did seem to lose a bit of steam after about the first half. Other than that, the only error I see is this: "But I know just where he'd be" you changed tense, that should say "knew"
there were quite a few cliches that you could probably change to make the poem more unique... e.g. "gaze at the stars"; "beat of the drums"; "met my match"; "words of wisdom"; etc. You also had examples of original language and which show you have a knack for alliteration (repetition of sounds) e.g. "inevitably infinite"; reaction in a reflection; etc. These were great! "Kissed my tear" was a good visual. nice. do some word-smithing on the cliches and it will be a really great poem. hope this helps...
It's so hard avoiding cliches all the time, but I actually did have a reason for using them, it had to do with the character I was writing about, and her growing up. but yea, i should knock 'em out, or say it in a different way
Well i like it .... makes me wish i had'nt even posted mine........ but i like your use of words...... and the flow of the poem....
