For you baby (1st poem, comments/critism please)

Here's amy FIRST poem. I wrote it for my girlfriend for her birthday. Giving it to her on Wednesday. The lines about the numbers, I got that idea from a poem off here. Thanks. Couple inside jokes in here, so don't think I'm weird lol (aka. biting)

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Take a pen, draw a smile across my face,
I think of you, and my heart begins to race.

I need you now, let me see that smirk,
Because slow n steady just aint gonna work.

If I start walking now, I'll be there soon,
We can share kisses under the nightsky moon.

Take my hand, come fly with me,
Soar towards the clouds, look at all we can see.

Hold on tight, and don't look down,
Wave goodbye, let's ditch this town.

Just you and me girl, that's all we need,
Forget it all, lets pick up the speed.

Let me hold you, I promise I won't let go,
Because without you, I just feel so low.

Let me kiss you, or would you prefer a bite?
F*ck it, I just want to touch you all night.

Bite me back baby, I know you want to,
Isn't it true, that I bring that out in you?

Cuddle up, fall asleep in my arms,
Go to sleep girl, turn off all the alarms.

I wanna watch you dream, close those beautiful eyes,
I'm telling the truth, I haven't told one lie.

However much you may think I want you,
Multiply by one hundred and add one hundred too.

Yes, I know math ain't your subject,
But is it working? Are you turned on yet?

Happy Birthday to a girl that deserves so much more,
What did you choose a guy like me for?

 

You have to start somewhere...keep writing. try to lose the cliches and dont feel so compelled to rhyme.

 

You have a marvellous omelette of couplets. Some are worth an extra squirt of ketchup and others should be returned to the cook. Keep at it. It's obvious you like being in the kitchen. But you haven't earned your chef's hat yet!

 

The part about the green volkswagen seems to not be a part of the poem. Is it?
-v-

 

thats a lovely birthday poem! c'mon guys, birthday poems are by rule supposed to rhyme and be corny and littered with cliches. ahhh

 

Hold the cheese

 

Thanks for the tips guys and gals. Yeah it was obviously intended to be corny. Corny gets the chicks though. Well a certain type of girl anyway. Worked on mine, she loves it. Thanks again and I'm going to definatley keep writing.

PS. What were you smoking man??