now i know someones just going to tell me its not that bad, stop whining, but i feel like i need to get this off my chest, and as im typing this im regreting typing this to, mostly out of embarrassment. for awhile ive felt kind of out of touch with reality (mostly resulting from heavy pot smoking ive concluded) and just a very low self esteem, i sigh alot, think about embarrasing moments alot, and then critisize myself for doing soemthing stupid, i feel almost mentally disabled in a way. for the most part i think im really stupid, and that chances are im not going to amount to anything in life. ive had some pretty bad depression in the past and ive been suicidal at times, but right now im not nessicarily suicidal, its allways there in the back of my mind tho. and sometimes ill get really weird in public and start to feel like people are just looking at me and judging. but in a way i feel like im making some progress, i finally got a job, i dont really do much drugs anymore. my life just seems in a way like its stabilizing but at the same time my family is collapsing, i dont really feel like going into detail because i feel its sort of private and it wouldnt really matter if i said it anyway. pretty much, drug addiction runs rampant in my family and im afraid ill go down that road even further, i just feel like i think and worry about things to much, but i cant really help it because its affecting me and my family and it sometimes to just be too much. i sometimes feel inadiquate with myself, like im not really up to par with the rest of the world or something. this is probbaly just stupid normal teenage bullshit but i still felt i needed to get it off my chest.
I am glad to hear you got a job and laying off the drugs a bit. Maybe you need to separate yourself from your family abit too so you get around the drugs. Right now focus on yourself and getting stronger. Maybe the pot you were smoking was masking some signs of anxiety that you have being around others or feeling that they judge you. If you think that you could benefit from talking to someone about your worries, don't be afraid to do so. It sounds like you are taking steps to better yourself already! Hang in there and I hope the best for you!
hey thanks alot, i really apreciate your words of encouragement. what really set me off that night was i was talking on the phone with my friend, and i heard this other kid in the background kind of mock me or something then say "that kid is so retarded" that kid has also asked me before if i was in fact "retarded". but i really just need to forget about what other people think, what they think really shouldnt matter to me as much as i let it. i just need to boost my self esteem somehow, ive never really tried dating, im a very shy person, but it may help i think.
have you ever thought that you may have social anxiety? I had it bad when i was young, and you sound alot like me. you cant think straight, you have trouble being around alot of people, you think everyone is judging you, you feel like anything you say or do is stupid... thats how i was. does that sound like you?
