Feeling completely alone and trapped

My long-term relationship is exhausting us both. We think about breaking up, but I'm terrified. If I leave:

1. I dive into an abyss of loneliness. She's the only one who gets my life here. The fear of the loneliness outside is paralyzing.
2. My country banned our books, our fanfiction sites, any mention of us (bc it's legally equal to pornography). It's illegal and community is nonexistent.
3. Emigrating is a distant, terrifying dream.

It would be nice even if you just share what kept or keeps you going in the darkest times. Mostly, I just need to know my voice doesn't just disappear into the void. And that I'm not porn or a mistake.

 

I am not sure where you are or what current events are happening. Are you in Myanmar? Is religion still legal where you are? If so, I would start there at your local place of worship. You an meet others there and be careful with you disclose.

 

No, not in Myanmar. I'm from a slavic country. 5 years ago everything started to slowly become really strict for us (not just homosexuals, citizens in general). Many fleed, many were persecuted and as many are still missing. Years after, discrimination is still here, but it's almost invisible. And yes, religion is legal here. I thought about studying it, but never considered it as an opportunity to find peace among religious people. Because even if there are others, It seems like they hate my guts and their own. If you don't mind me asking, did religion still help you to feel more cared about?

 

I think it is terrible that you have to suppress your true self to stay safe where you are. I hope you can find some people that can accept you for who you really are but I doubt you will find that amongst religious types. Of course I am only speaking from my own perspective, religious people in my country tend to be the most judgmental.

My best advice is to try and find happiness within yourself as it cannot be given to you by anyone else even if sometimes it feels that way. When you find a way to be happy with just you, it doesn't feel lonely to be alone. Love yourself just the way you are. You are not a mistake and your feelings are normal and valid, even if others around you can't or won't accept them.

This forum is full of very open minded people and should be a space where you can find friends and feel comfortable talking to people about anything. Most people here are nice and respectful but if you come across someone who is rude or mean, don't hesitate to hit the report button. Good luck and welcome to the forum

 

I am not particularly religious. I was just suggesting that you might find people to interact with at church. I have friends and colleagues from my work experience.Good Luck

 

Ahh, understood. Thank you, it means a lot.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

I misunderstood what the other person meant by finding people in church. Maybe because I didn't specify that I was talking about loneliness in a sense of lacking people like me around, with whom I don't need to hide. I met most of these people when I was still at university, but now we're strangers. Church might a good idea, but post-soviet territories don't usually have a non-judgemental, open and sociable mentality. So I share your perspective.

I absolutely can feel happy on my own and not look for other people to make me happy. The point is seeking connection with others. A community, however small, to feel real and less erased. It's more about survival as a social being in a world that wants you to disappear, not happiness. That's why current isolation feels so heavy.