do you think embracing the concept of free love is usually something that develops?

....i mean, do you think that this mentality usually develops with age and experience (i'm thinking contrasted to teenage 'relationship rules')
can jealousy and possessiveness be overcome?

peace

 

I think that's a good question. Maybe some people think that way all along, and maybe others tried to make this "spend your whole life with just one partner" thing work out and finding that it does not work for them, turned to less "serious" relationships.

Jealosy and possessiveness .. I do not know if you "overcome" these things or if you just grow out of it, or reach a point where you are no longer influenced.

I used to suffer from these things, I think it was a side effect of trying to have a long term relationship that did not work out. Now I do not expect commitment, so I am immune to jealosy, etc. I let people do what they want, and I/m free and happy

 

Relationships and accompanying rules are not just "teenage" things....it seems like people who abide by those rules and expect that type of committed relationship are in a vast majority. I haven't met too many young people with the free love mentality who aren't in it for self-fulfillment. Most of them are girls with low self-esteem who long for male acceptance, and express heartbreak when sex doesn't keep their many manfriends hanging around. This is a large part of the reason why I feel inclined to hide my ideas about free love -- I don't want to be mistaken for one of these girls, although I am trying very hard not to care.

I do believe in the institution of marriage if only for the legal benefits. I'd like to get to the point where committment is an all or nothing deal for me -- either we're free in love or married, no "committed relationships" ... but I'm still trying to get over the love-is-monogamy ideals I've heard all my life. It's a slow process.

 

I've been in open relationships and committed relationships. Mostly, I'm not a jealous person by nature. My ideas of loyalty are very different then others. I'm loyal completely but I've also had sex with someone who wasn't my partner and it wasn't cheating. Cheating is only done when you are sneaking around, lying, or just holding the truth from your partner. If your partner knows from day one and has agreed that it's okay, it's still being loyal to your partner.

I think if I were to get into a serious relationship, we'd both have to be open to safely have other partners while still keeping everything out in the open. I would have rules like using condoms with anyone else with no exceptions, being upfront with my partner about it before anything sexual happens, being able to openly tell my partner what happened without worrying about jealousy, that it's purely sexual and not romantic with any one else but me, and that if one of us is uncomfortable with the other persons sexual partner that the sexual relationship would stop without a question.

I've suppressed my sexuality for 8 years. 5 years alone was the fact that I'm bisexual. A lot of lovers can't handle some of the things that turn me on and I don't expect them to want to do all of them; but at the same time, I don't ever want to suppress my sexuality ever again. It's completely unhealthy and I've learned that when I suppress my sexual urges I have a hard time being turned on by my partner and only orgasm if I fantasize. Usually about other people and not my partner. It did a lot of damage to one relationship, both him and I. He was my best friend and I ended up losing him in the end. He walked away with a completely broken heart and a whole lot of anger.

 

During my second year of college my girlfriend and I lived with another couple for two years. About two months after we moved in together after some heavy toking and a little acid we all slept together. This went on for about 15 months and it was incredible. Somebody was always in the mood.

Of course it didn't last. jealousy and outside peoples interference screwed it up. Too many grey areas and resentment began to fester among all four of us. i think it is impossible for the majority of people to embrace and come to grips with the notion of truely free love.

Many of my friends (male and female) now try to have "fuck buddies" and it never works. Some one always becomes jealous or possesive. I guess it's just human nature and deep down we are ment to be monogamus.

 

yea, i wonder about that alot, whether we are 'ment' to be monogamous....

just because monogamy is the current dominat pattern in western society by no means proves that we are 'ment' to be monogamous.... i think in most cases monogamy vs something else is either something orchestrated by the historically dominant social class (religious ethics, male dominance in the church or elsewhere etc...) or the most socially practical, but not the result of free choice

out of curiosity, how many people who feel they've lived a happy open relationship were raised with that mentality? as in parents or other 'role models' as a kid had that mentality?

 

I think you got that spot on! What evidence is there that a human being is "naturally" mongamous without the interference of religious and societal input?

Has anyone ever conducted an experiment raising a group of people from birth in some environment TOTALLY removed from any cultural input, to see wherether or not they would, when the time comes, go steady or sleep around?

 

lol

i doubt it since it would be considered completely unethical, but i bet there have been loads of scientists who've wanted to!

but there are societies where monogamy isnt the norm, alot of muslim societies for example, men acceptably have many wifes or in nepal (or was it tibet...?) there are villages where women marry several men, all brothers... but again, same thing: i dont think this is evidence of us being 'naturally' non-monogamous, too many outside factors involved

thats why i wondered if people in this forum who had had good 'free-love' relationships had been raised to accept it or not?

 

Actually, Muslim men ARE allowed to marry up to three women, but men who are married to more than one are in a pretty slim minority and are mostly wealthy or royal. But it does happen.

 

Let's not get off the subject. Muslim 3-wife marriages have nothing to do with this - that is not "free love" by any stretch. Actually in some arab cultures, adultery is punishable with death!

Mooka was looking for anyone raised to accept the idea of open relationships. Is there someone out there that was?

It was the reverse for me. I grew up in a community that had pretty strict ideas about this kind of thing, and I have to tell you that this only made me more curious about "the other way"

I'm out of that community now, that goodness - but I did the the marriage thing - unsuccsessfully in the end. My all-time best relationships were elicit and forbidden ones, what a thill!

 

I think they can and probably should. Lets bump this back to the top.

 

It's human nature to feel that what is put in front of us is "ours." When we sit and eat a meal it is "our food." When we have money in our pockets it is "our money," despite having been in someone elses pockets yesterday. It's also human nature to want the whole of something. We don't watch half of a movie, buy 1 glove at a time. We want the entire deal. I think many people feel, as they do with "their" money, that when they pair off with someone, they have earned that person. You swoon the person over, put up with their bullshit, care for them when they are sad or not well. We can essentially feel that all of that extension of our time and effort has earned us that person.

I think one can step in the right direction of "free love" when they extend themselves to a stranger. Love is not necessarily lust. When you smile at an elderly person, when you hold the door open for a man or woman at the store. When we extend ourselves in this way, we're sharing small parts of love and caring with others, without expecting anything in return. Why should we reserve our smiles and our courtesy for only those we have "earned"?

Humans have created different degrees of love. We show love to a lover in a completely different way than the way we show love to a family member. We show love for a stranger every time we smile at them, ask if they need a hand, help them with their bags, etc. Love for others and free love doesn't have to entail sleeping with a lot of people.

For some, with whom it does entail sleeping with many people, they simply choose to combine their love with lust. The two however don't have to be synonymous.

Though by extending ourselves to others through simple everyday things like smiles, favours and courtesy, we've already taken a step towards sharing our love with everyone and not reserving it for only a special few. Doing so results in the development of us as loving people. If we treat strangers this way, the love we reserve for lovers might be even sweeter.

 

Can anyone recommend books on Free Love?

 

Anatomy of Love Helen Fisher, PhD

Puts an end to any and all uncertainty regarding the question: Is monogamy natural.

Of course it's not.

I set out to destroy the feeling of jealousy in myself at the age of 15 or so. In my twenties I finally succeeded to transcend it. It takes a while, it takes courage, but now jealousy is almost a joke.

When I feel it, however, I embrace it head on.

I first saw reality for what it was amidst a compersion/cuckold experience, that completely took me by surprise.

 

I don't think we can say monogamy or polygamy is natural to humans or not, I think it depends on your preference.

 

As someone who just started into the swinging/freelove lifestyle i think i can safely say that jelosy will always be a problem. The key is to be compleatly open with your partners/SO and come to terms with the fealings of jelosy. You just have to not let these fealings get in the way of the lifesyle. Best of luck to you.

 

I was raised in a fairly restrictive community by very restrictive parents. Sex outside of marriage was to be regarded as an aberration. Pre-marital sex was bad enough, but extramarital sex was especially abhorant - definitely not something that respectable women do.

I am almost 27 years old and it has only been in the last few months that I have been able to break free of that mindset. To be honest, though, I still have twinges of doubt and guilt even though my dear husband is totally okay with me occasionally slipping out of the bonds that tie me exclusively to him. It's liberating, yes, but my upbringing keeps raising its ugly head.

 

This formula worked for me:
-First, your beloved must agree to only involve another in your presence. A threesome type experience.
First a friend of mine would watch me and my girlfriend. Then my girlfriend would maybe kiss my friend while her and I had sex.
-Eventually you'll know when it's time to be less restrictive. It will be a compelling force. It will turn you on!
-After some years of this sort of arrangement I began to feel confident enough in myself and in the relationship I was in, to be able to handle her being with another in my absence.

 

Me too ... still haunts me a bit... but I don't think I am the other end of the spectrum, either - like "anything goes". Trying to find my place somewhere in between. Although I am pretty sure I am a lot closer to "anything goes" than I am to "our way is the only way".