do I have spirits?

Please read the following account and tell me what you make of it.

When I was a kid, I believed I had "ghosts". Their purpose in my life was to cause mischief. For everything that annoyed or frustrated me, I blamed the ghosts. There were ghosts for every different kind of problem. For example, when my computer wouldn't work (freeze up, give error reports, etc.) I would blame the ghost of computers. I would blame the ghost of video games when I was on a losing streak. I was also a perverted little boy, always wanting to sneak a peek at pictures of naked ladied, or catch a glimps of the erotic channels on TV, but of course the necessary precautions are always taken to prevent little boys like me from getting a gander (parental controls and such), so I had a ghost of sex who always tried to stiffle my attempts. The list goes on.

In the back of my mind, I always new I was making them up in my imagination, but the inclination to believe in them was so strong, I just gave in and believed.

I dispensed with these childish thoughts when I became a teenager. I even came up with a psychological theory about why we tended to get angry at things and situations when they don't work out for us, as though they're doing it deliberately. In short, I started to think more rationally. I did, however, go through a phase where I gave life to one last imaginary persona - her name was Melinda. I got her out of a fantasy/space saga story I wrote about a year earlier. Somehow, while writing the story, I found myself falling in love with her, and being the recluse and nerdy angst ridden teenager I was, with no girlfriend and no ladies knocking down my door, I grew lonely and gave in to the urge to pretend - I made believe that Melinda was real and there with me. We loved each other and satisfied each other's longings. But this only lasted so long and I grew past it.

Since then, I never wrapped myself in a world of ghosts or imaginary friends until I started experimenting with drugs. At first, they swept me up into a world of spiritual awakeneing. It was great. It was blissful. But not long after (in a matter of a few months), the experience turned bitter and dark. The spiritual aspect of the whole thing didn't die, but it sure became dark. I figured this must be the darker side of spirituality and that the psychedelic experience was showing both the light side and the dark. In any case, I started to believe in the devil and other demons, and over the course of the next year I thought long and deeply about the possibility that was being hounded by such dark spirits, or even if I could be possessed. Needless to say, I began to believe in spirits - this time however, seriously contemplating it as a real possibility.

It took me a while to sort out all my confusion and perspectives, and I eventually got a hold of myself (and out of that dark state of mind), but it left a lasting legacy - the belief in spirits... well... I shouldn't put it that way. You see, this is the thing. Even back then I wasn't sure of any of this. I wasn't sure whether I was on to something or it was all the product of a firtile and intoxicated imagination. I knew very well that I was interpreting my experiences, and that I could be dead wrong - even crazy.

What seemed to live on, and still does however faintly, was this background feeling that they're out there - watching me - but not only the dark spirits but the good ones that helped me out of those trying times. In fact, I had gotten used to entertaining the idea that they're out there, and I went through a short series of interludes where it would be me and a small group of spirits guiding me along some spiritual path. Each interlude featured a different set of spirits. The earliest one I can remember was with three spirits who took on the identity of "God", "the devil", and a third one (I can't remember who - I think it was Melinda - she did resurface at one point, I do remember). In hindsight, it does sound kinda stupid - that it was God Himself and the devil himself just hanging out with lil' ol' me as my own personal spirit guides (I remember I even had God under my control - that was part of our deal, I think). That's just the way my thoughts on the matter evolved - how I was lead to perceive them - go figure. Later, however, I remember these spirits being replaced by another group of spirits. This time there were four (two girls and two guys; I made up a short story based on them, in fact, and I hope to write it one day). These ones were a lot more friendly and fun (and I think young). Yet, again, after reading Nietzsche and a book on Buddhism, I went through a "spiritual upgrade" (feeling like I jumped through a quantum leap upward in my spiritual development). There, I felt as though I met a group of much older - ancient even - spirits in order to learn from their maturity. I think it was a hand-off from the younger ones to the older ones. Then at a later time (about a year or two later), I remember becoming more and more dissappointed with the spirits because of their consistent failure to meet up with my expectations - that is, I felt they weren't helping me in my spiritual advancement. I know that sounds harsh, but you have to remember that I always knew in the back of my mind that I was making all this up in my imagination, so it didn't matter all that much. Eventually I just abandoned them and took on more of a down-to-earth pragmatic attitude - coming down from the clouds - and went solo ever since.

So my question to all the spiritualists and psychics out there is: what do you make of all this? Having read some of your reports on psychic experiences and contact with spiritual beings, I get the impression that a lot of your experiences are like mine in that they start out as fitting the description of "just your imagination" but you choose to go the other way with it - the other way from me, that is. You choose to believe and it seems that at some point, it ends up revealing itself to be more than just your imagination - like coincidence that's too unlikely to be "just" coincidence, or actual earthly in-the-flesh contact with some who, up until then, could only contact you psychicly, or precognitive visions coming true, etc. I've never experienced this. All my flights of fancy turned out to be just that - fancy - and I always knew it anyway, somewhere in the back of my mind. But apart from the disillusionment I finally experienced, would you say your experiences were similar enough to mine? I mean, based on how I described it, if I were to ask you, say five or six years ago when I was in the thick of all this, if I really do have spirit guides, what would you say?

PS - Sorry for any spelling or grammer mistakes - I basically purged all this out and hit submit.

 

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in all your adventures how did you ever not experience the truly wonderful and be totally amazed and forever in it . how does spirit guide you ? not necessarily with some something called a spirit guide .

you ask what is real , even your own reality is questionable .

my reality is truly wonderful and i am totally amazed and forever in it - squirrels talk fancy rhythms , and fish smile , little bears tell me jokes , and i've seen the dancing of the little bird and the stream running backwards all the way to the springheads in the pine . i'm not one to question the goodness of that and that exactly so is the wonderous kindness of nature .

i advise going direct to nature for counseling . the internet is just words . in this reality words is all i is , well , of words and a psychic mastery of time .
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Thanks tikoo. You're kinda cryptic, but I think I get what you're saying. Still, I just wanted to know if my experiences are the same kind as those who feel they have truly contacted spirits or have had authentic psychic experiences.

 

my personal experience with spirits are VERY different from what you describe. i'm wondering...maybe you "knew" they existed but at the time were not of the vibration to see/communicate with them & therefore you just made them up to compensate?

as a child they "appeared" and were wonderful...in my teens it got dark--it was more like poltergeist type stuff....it came to a peak in my 20's--i had to choose the light ot the dark. one i went with the light, the dark faded.

now its more of the coiincidence that's too far out to just be a coiincidence experience that i get. i also get visions, dreams, ideas etc that feel very "different" then my own.

i believe in spirits, ghosts, guides etc. i think you have to be at a super high vibration to pick up on them. i found they communicate very subtly--synchronicity etc.

 

Gib, when I was a kid I frequently imagined that other people were in my mind, experiencing what I experienced, and sometimes watching me remotely from outside myself. I figured this was just my personal fantasy, though--not "real."

When I got to be 38 years old, I was talking to my long-distance girlfriend on the phone one evening. I had never met her in person at this point, though I flew out to meet her for the first time a couple months later. During this phone conversation, I was becoming immersed in the sound of her voice, just thinking how much I loved to listen to her. Suddenly I found part of my awareness inside her head, looking out through her eyes. I saw what she was doing, and I got a sense of the room she was in. I interrupted her to ask, "Are you pacing?" "Yes," she said. "And do you have the phone on your left ear, and are you gesturing with your right hand while you're talking?" "Yeah," she said, "how did you know?" So: For a few moments, I was inside somebody else's mind.

When I got to be 45 years old, a woman in my office whom I didn't know started making comments about my unspoken thoughts from her cubicle, and sometimes as I passed by her work area. This went on for months. At one point I made a mental date with her to meet me in the break room at lunch time. When I got there, she was sitting right next to the microwave, and she was extremely friendly and talkative--this was the first time we had ever spoken out loud. After I microwaved my burritos, I sat down with her for a while, and she told me in a low voice that she used to have even more powers than she had now. So: She was inside my head.

When I was 49, I started a closer friendship with another woman I knew in the office--the one I've referred to as Emily. At this point I was able to converse telepathically, and I had been having telepathic conversations with her. One day she and I went to a restaurant for lunch, and I told her about my relationship with this other woman who was in my mind. She said, "Crossing over." I said, "Crossing over?" She said, "Meeting on the other side." Back in my office, I sent her an e-mail asking if she would meet me outside at break time, and she agreed. When I got to where we normally stood and talked, she wasn't there. Telepathically I asked her, "Are you coming down?" Telepathically she answered, "I'll be there soon--I need to talk to some people." Soon she came out, and she walked over to me and lit a cigarette, saying out loud, "I was in a meeting." I said out loud, "I talk to you in my mind. Do you hear me?" She nodded her head, and said out loud, "I was telling you I was coming out soon." So: She was in my mind. And she has been there ever since, and I now consider her my spirit guide, because of so many other things that happened between us that convinced me she was working on my spiritual development.

So regarding your situation: How real is real? Could your imaginations have some basis in reality? I can't really say. Your experience hasn't been like mine. But one thing I've seen is that the universe can give us individual experiences that aren't necessarily verifiable by consensual agreement, but are nevertheless valid and "real," and geared to us and our own spiritual paths. And yes, I recognize that what I'm saying flies somewhat in the face of modern definitions of "sane" and "insane," and I'm saying that I don't believe those definitions are based on adequate knowledge of the nature of consciousness.

It wasn't until I was 45 that I got any kind of external confirmation of my "imagined" ideas. Why did the universe take so long? Not sure, exactly... Will you get any external confirmation? Don't know, I'm afraid... There's an old song that was popular for a while when I was young, that had a chorus that went, "You've got to walk that lonesome valley--you've got to walk it by yourself. Nobody else can walk it for you--you've got to walk it by yourself." Maybe eventually you'll get some confirmations and connections to others with similar experiences. I couldn't say for sure, but I can show you from my own experience that it is more than possible.

I must say, I do sometimes feel that I must have a sex ghost... LOL

 

Thanks for the feedback, both of you.

That does make things I bit more clear for me. Right now I'm thinking I'm probably not the type to have open contact with spirits, at least not two-way contact (who knows how many of them are watching over me ). I'm probably not readily sensative to psychic or paranormal experiences either. Oh well, whatyagonnado? My path is a different one (I see myself moving ever closer to shamanism).

I have an aunt and an uncle who are deep into spiritualism and exercizing their psychic ability. They tell me the method is to just let whatever comes into your mind flow in and somehow this strengthens your connection to the "powers that be". It's almost as though you just have to guess and the universe will see to it that you guess right. That's one of the reasons I thought it had a lot to do with imagination.

Fascinating stuff. I love learning about all this. I think I'm going to content myself with the prospect that I'm likely not going to have a psychic experience or really connect with spiritual beings, but I will believe on faith, and I will continue to frequent these forums (and maybe others). After all, it just lifts me up talking to you guys. Who knows, maybe one of you will drop me an insight that will completely revolutionize my way of thinking or my lifestyle.

Crazy? Insane? For sure! But as you said, zen, we know so little about consciousness - or anything for that matter - that we are in the poorest position possible to make judgments like that. My own take on sane/insanity is a relativistic one. There's no such thing as an absolute standard for insanity - only relative to what you consider sane. And if I am insane - which I sure think is true - it's too fun to give up.

 

Absolutely, Gib.

I had a thought after reading Old Crone's latest post--something I thought too important to omit: What do you WANT to be real? Do you WANT to be psychic? Or something else? The power of a persistent and strongly held belief coupled with desire is incredible--I have seen this over and over. And it doesn't seem to matter much how "crazy" the belief and desire are.

 

Hell yeah!

I can buy that. I have a friend who believes that reality is determined, not by objective facts that stand independently of human belief and perception, but according to human believe and perception (incidentally, he's had a few psychic experiences himself, so he says). If this is true, though, I doubt it works by simple deciding in an instant "I believe X" and X just falls right into your lap. It must be something that the universe needs time to develop, to build up, and only when it deems it appropriate according to the will, desire, and perhaps wellbeing of the greater part of the human race (i.e. if there's too many skeptics, that makes it all the more difficult for us believers). I don't believe in hocus-pocus magic (I think it would be dangerous if it existed), but I do believe the universe works in mysterious ways that can fall under the umbrella of "natural phenomena" but because such a nature is far beyond our ability to comprehend, it comes across as magic.

 

Would you mind telling me more about this?

What is a "vibration"? In what way did spirits "appear" to you as a child? And how did it get dark in your teenaged years?

 

Well Gib, you CAN be psychic, so don't give up on it...see more below.

It's very good for me to give you my thoughts and advice on this, because it's helping me clarify and deal with some current issues in my own life.

I'm still developing my thoughts on this, and probably always will be, but your friend's view is similar to mine. We differ on the "objective reality" issue. I believe there IS an objective material universe that stands apart from human beliefs and perceptions. I believe this universe was set up by an awareness that we are some part of, and therefore to some extent we as fragmented parts of this awareness are partly responsible for its creation. However if we were totally responsible, the universe would be in chaos, because we don't have the depth of understanding or the discipline to maintain a coherent universe, as we are in our current condition. So my current thinking is that there is a huge core of objective reality that we can influence only in the most miniscule way, and a smaller area that we can influence to a much stronger degree. I believe that as we progress spiritually, we're allowed increasingly greater control over the whole.

I do very much like your last statement, and I agree wholeheartedly. There is a helluva lot more to "natural phenomena" than we know at the current state of our knowledge. But lots of us are consciously able to make practical use of some of the arcane aspects of creative potential.

The thing you need to do is to decide what it is you genuinely want for your life. This is sometimes the hardest part. And it can change as we gain more experience--as we get more of what we want, our desires can change or be refined, or progress to match new needs that spring from the new circumstances. But start with what you feel most certain about, and the rest can be added with time.

When you know what you want, then start imagining your life the way you want it to be. Talk about it, plan for it, dream about it as if it's a certainty, because it is. Do it consistently and for as long as it takes.

That's it, in a nutshell. There are lots of issues and nuances--and this is some of what I seem to be dealing with right now. Sometimes when you start to get what you want, you can find that you're scared of the results you're seeing. In order to give you your desires, the universe may need to dramatically change your circumstances. It may put you through experiences that you're certain you never wanted, but those experiences may be necessary to get you to your final goal. In circumstances like these, you can easily lose your way and go down side paths of anger and resentment, blaming others, losing your nerve and retreating from further progress because of fear, etc. I think this has happened to me in a major way, and I need to find ways to deal with it.

There are two books I recommend frequently, and I think they might help you. Both books are written by a Chicago psychic named Sonia Choquette. The first is called The Psychic Pathway, and the second is called Your Heart's Desire. Sonia is gifted as a psychic and as a writer--both books make interesting reading, and her methods work.

 

I'm only too glad to be of help.

I think we're all on the same page - you, me, and my friend (Mike) - I don't think Mike would disagree about the objective reality thing (nor would I, but more on that in a bit). I think what he's getting at is that the universe is not just a cold mechanical law-governed machine that is completely insensitive to the needs of sentient beings, but more like a living breathing overseer that can respond to our needs and wishes like another human being. It presents us with a world of our own making, whether we're aware of it or not, and that's what I mean by "according to human believe and perception". What we believe and perceive, and to a certain extent wish for, is "submitted" to the universe like a memo or a request, and the more the universe sees it fit to grant such requests, the more the reality we are presented with takes on the characteristics of it, and thus the more we believe and perceive it that way.



My views on the whole objectivity/subjectivity distinction is somewhat convoluted, and frankly confuses even me when I listen to myself explain it. That's why I'm writing it all in a book/website. I find that I can only explain it clearly and logically if I take the reader through the development of my own thought, step-by-step, as it evolved over the years. In a nutshell (although this might not be crystal clear), I believe in a universal consciousness much like you described, but as a consciousness, it is fundamentally subjective at base. I do believe this to be an objective fact, but as such it falls under the purview of my own belief system, which, in virtue of its mental status, I take to be, once again, fundamentally subjective. How do I put this... subjectivity precedes objectivity in the grand ordering of existence. There is objectivity, but not anywhere outside a greater subjective framework. Things are essentially information before they are real, existing, actual, "out there", things. Consciousness is a language. It is the language through which "realness" is communicated and given firm grounding. Consciousness is the basis for existence.



... all in my very humble opinion, of course .



If you're interested in any of this, I recommend George Barkeley. He's an older philosopher from 3 centuries ago, and he's kind of cryptic (old English and all), but he wrote a seminal treatise on the reality/perception relation. I think the wikipedia article on him has a free download. It's a really quick read - only 50 pages. My views aren't perfectly inline with his, but they do strike at the general gist of what I have to say (and they're a lot simpler).

What do I want out of life? Do I even know what I want? Well, let's just say I've found various interests that give me that feeling of "I was born for this" or "It's my life's calling". Right now I'm dabbling in shamanism, and I feel very strongly about it. I am going my own independent way about it, though - sort of "westernizing" it - and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing - if I know myself well enough, it might be the only way for me.



I take the experiences life dishes out one day at a time. I'm in no rush. I try my best to live in the moment. One thing I've learnt along the way is to make commitments on rare occasions only. It's like marriage - so sacred that it should never be done on a whim. If you don't think it through carefully, there might eventually be a time when you regret making it. So I do what feels right today. I leave the future more or less unplanned.

Now this sounds a little contradictory to what I just said, but it's all in the context, right? Yes, planning for the future is important - of course it is, but I don't want my plans to outlive my intrinsic drive to see them through. I don't want it to ever become something where I'm dragging my feet thinking "Aw, do I have to?"

I guess that's a good test then. I may be driven now to explore shamanism and maybe even exercise my psychic abilities, but we'll see how much of my resolve survives the trials and turbulations the universe puts me through in the pursuit of my own goals. How badly do I want it, right?



You know, I go through highs and lows too (right now I'm riding high - partly because of the inspiration you and mara have been feeding me - partly because of this caffein buzz that's going to keep me up all night ), and in my lows I lose sight of the real adventure that this life is. One attitude that I've adopted that compensates for these not-so-graceful moments (which might work for you - but you be the judge of that) is to find an appreciation for the beauty and wonder of the world that you can objectively agree to even in your darkest hours. Now, how can one appreciate the beauty of life when all one sees is ugliness? Well, it has to so with understanding that ugliness can be construed as a form of beauty in its own way. I think this is a point on which everyone must find their own construal, but mine is like this: experience - and existence - has such a profound value, and beauty, that it takes unconditional precedence over our wants and desires. It is a value and a beauty so deep that we can't perceive or understand it (but I take it on faith). In this way, I can go through the roughest of times and reflect on the pain as an experience that was "worth" having because of its intrinsic value - that is, just because it was experience - because it was real. I put "worth" in quotes because it's not the sort of worth that most people can appreciate - most people can't fathom pain and suffering being worth anything - and they're not wrong, it's just that this is a different kind of "worth".



The next step is to "split up" yourself - one being the more base, animalistic self and the other the "higher" self (I call my lower self my "monkey"). The lower self is the one that gets to whine and complain and just be miserable during the hard times, while the higher self just stands back and watches - waiting for the tantrum to end. One can take brief time outs during the miserable periods and put on more of an objective thinking cap, stand back and reflect on the situation and say "yeah, I know I'm being miserable. It's not nearly as bad as I'm making it out to be. I'm just overwhelmed by these emotions and they're clouding my better judgment." then go right back into it. That's the higher self talking. (so this whole higher self/lower self distinction really isn't any different from what most people experience quite often anyway). I think of the higher self as an actor, and the lower self as a character. While the character goes through all this misery and pain, the actor isn't really all that perturbed by it. He puts his personality aside for the time being in order to make room for the character, but even in that latent state, he still harbors all the attitudes and values he always harbors when he's not acting. He can even be thought of as the audience watching his own performance. In this way, I don't feel I'm betraying my own appreciation for the beauty of life - rather, I'm slipping into a roll - the one about the character suffering pain and misery - and in fact I'm doing on purpose in order to give my life a bit of drama, and that not only makes the pain and suffering "worth" experiencing, by my reactions to them, as base and immature as they may seem, "worth" enacting.



Well, there's my spew for the night. I tell ya, that caffeine sends my head-a-buzzin.



I'll keep those books you recommended in mind. I've got a whole list, but I do plan to scratch off every one eventually. Doesn't help when you're a slow reader though.

 

everybody, everything in this universe vibrates at a different frequency-some higher than others. you know how some people walk in a room and its suddenly "party time" while others might drain the shit out of a good time? that's resonance! if your in a good mood-good things happen...you feel like shit, the day gets worse--that's resonance.

when i was born they used forcepts which caused damage to my frontal lobes--other areas of my brain kicked in to compensate...art and psychic gifts took over. as a child i saw the holy virgin, jesus & lots of different angels. i also saw my dead grandfather often. these weren't like imaginary friends...these were apparitions. both my mom & grandma heard the footsteps of my grandpa walking into my room on more than one occasion.

from early childhood towards my teens my family saw a lot of tragedy and my dad was into organized crime BIG TIME--i was confusedbecause everything i learned at school & at home was very different from what the angels & saints were telling me. i became resentful of them all. also when i was a kid the psychic thing made me popular in school--kids would line up at recess so i could hypnotize them etc. in my teens, in highschool i didn't want "THAT" kind of attention. i did everything i could to be normal--drinking usually did thetrick to drop my resonance. i was a rebellious angry teen and that opened the door to darker lower resonating spirits to come.

my best friends mom was into black magic and taught us stuff. we used to do evil spels and wija board stuff....THAT opened a FLOODGATE of dark energies....i could hear a creature following me -the footsteps sounded like hooves and a terrible stink of burning something followed it as well. terrible nightmares, weird weird shit happened ALL THE TIME.

at 21 "the teacher" appeared--she was human....i met her through my dad-she was doing 'work' with him. she was DARK. DARK. DARK. she taught me a lot about manifesting--but her life was so chaotic, i didn't want to be like her. i missed my angels and that warm fuzzy feeling the virgin gave me. i decided to break away--i was PLAGUED with boils (especially on the souls of my feet) ANYTIME someone prayed in my presence--i have priests that have witnessed this. strangers used to approach me saying the strangest things like "will you work for god or satan--we're waiting for your decision"

it was very bi-polar...m waking life was tortured by dark, but at night i would dream of the virgin, a lamb, i'd here a cosmic banging on a door like someone wanted into my conciousness (god calling) i was soooo confused and afraid i ran away to my grandma (on my mom's side--far removed from my dad-plus he was in prison so it made it easy) and i ran to a local church where 2 local priests took me under their wing and preformed a minor excorsism on me. took 3 days but it worked. i then went into discerment to become a nun (out of fear)

eventually i learned to manage my psychic gifts and i realized the church was still teaching the opposite of what the angels and guides (who were now back in full beautiful love) were telling me. my faith was too big for one religion, so i left the convent and have been serving the universe on my own ever since.

phew--that was a long one! what a path!

 

Wow, that's an incredible story mara. It's very humbling, even for the one reading it. It's like it says "you think you're life is rough, wait 'til you hear about mara-aum's story".

Reminds me of quantum mechanics or string theory... but I don't think this is what you're talking about.

Yeah, this could explain why I went so deep into my demonic experiences all those years ago - and I'm sure the psychedelic mind state just makes resonance all the more sensitive. As soon as I started getting into drugs, my mood and outlook seemed to have such a profound effect on my reality that I really started believe reality itself was changing - becoming more spiritually "alive" - and then the darker side of myself took over and plunged me into a demonic state of mind I would never have dreampt possible before.

Yeah, I had similar complications. I came out butt first and the embillical cord was wrapped around my neck - choking me. Sometime I think the lack of oxygen's what caused my ADD (also frontal lobe damage). The doctor injured my neck trying to pull me out and if it wasn't for my dad doing neck stretching exercises on me (which, from what I'm told, wear excrutiatingly painful) my head would probably be lopsided today... never got psychic gifts out of it, but I am artistic.

Who? The angels and saints or your family and school? What was different about what they taught you?

Yeah, I think that's what happened with me too.

You mean the boils just suddenly appeared when someone started praying near you?

And a very compelling story, mara. And it's got such a happy ending too (at least, you made it out to sound happy). Some of the elements in it scare even me - to think these things could be real. In a sense it almost reinforced my paranoid thoughts about demons hounding me or that certain particular people in my past really were "possessed" (in whatever way that makes sense) by demons. On the other hand, your resonance assessment rings closer to the truth with me. I think I created my own demons by way of two factors: 1) my tendency to dwell on the negative (I was born like that - my parents will attest to it), and 2) throwing drugs into an already hyperactive imagination.

Over the years, I've found the most comfortable (and psychologically healthy) perspective to take is that my "demons" were psychoanalytic symbols of issues in my personal life. But even after dealing with them thoroughly, I found even more powerful and more deeply rooted demons - but I found it best to interpret these the common issues suffered by all human beings - like fear of death, fear of the unknown, fear of pain and suffering, etc. - and therefore were actually best left unexorcised (i.e. they actually serve a healthy function in the human psyche) - so that marks my limit.

The way you described your father, though - that scares me a little. See, back when I was in the thick of my paranoid demonic delusions, I was hanging around with a very shady crowd. Some of them were from severely broken homes, others were into organized crime (mostly drug dealing), some of them were fucking psychopaths, and so on. My girlfriend at the time claimed to have been sexually abused by her father (and you ever met the guy, this wouldn't surprise you) and that she was 30% witch (which her mother concurred with). She and her friend eventually got into some kind of black magic shit and I sometimes wonder if they cast a spell on me (they both hated... HATED... men). It could have just been the drugs though, along with my negative rebellious attitude. After I started using drugs, a vision of this world slowly emerged whereby it became clear to me that demonicly possessed people indeed walked this Earth, and the underbelly of any society (i.e. crummy neighborhoods, organized crime networks, homes where severe abuse goes on, etc.) was rife with them. In other words, this was more than just people with social-economic and psychological problems - a lot of them were possessed by demons.

As I said though, I eventually got a grip on my tendency to interpret things in such a negative light and to such wild extremes and slowly began the healing process of rationalizing my world again. It did require a radical rethinking of the nature of the perception/reality relationship (which sticks with me today), but I managed to get myself into a mind-space where I could (and still do) interpret these experiences as symbolic of more natural psychological issues that my unconscious wasn't allowing me to face directly at the time - I nurtured a reality-is-what-you-make-it sort of vision. I no longer believe in demons, but I do believe in demonic experiences and demonic people - that is, evil is more an essence to me, something that other things or people can take on - but not that a spirit literally jumps into your body and starts taking over.

But now I'm faced with your story and it makes me question this. What's your take on all this? You said you had to be exorcised. Did you ever think of yourself as "possessed"? Did you ever feel like another consciousness was literally controlling you or "in" you? If this is possible, what do you make of my paranoid delusions? Could it be that drugs simply woke me up to the bare truth of reality - that some people are possessed - more than we'd feel comfortable living with in the same world?

I hope you don't mind these questions. You seem to wear your heart on your sleave, so I'm assuming these questions are okay. But PLEASE let me know if talking about this makes you feel at all uncomfortable... again, thank you (and zen) for making the last couple weeks so uplifting for me. You both must have very high resonance.

 

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word WAS God. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us." (First two sentences from the Gospel of John.) And by the way, "Consciousness is the basis for existence" hits my worldview smack on the nose--I generally use the word "awareness" instead of consciousness...but when you think about it, it explains a lot, not only regarding our apparent ability to shape our experience, but also regarding some discoveries in modern physics. You and I are thinking very much along the same lines.

Thanks for the hot tip--I'll probably check out old Barkeley.

You know what I'm talking about, then. It sounds like you may be forging a new path, and that seems to be a sign of the universe's true calling for anyone.

You have the right idea. You need to go with the flow, of course, but eventually I think you start to see certain parts in the pattern that stand the test of time without wavering, and those parts constitute your "long-term" goals.

Yes, I do think the testing is part of it--it tends to force you to see what you want so much you'll do it even if the hounds of hell try to stop you and drag you backward.

That's a good articulation, Gib. I do this, to some extent. However I must confess that sometimes it seems as if the actor in me becomes one with the character, and the character runs the whole show. I don't know if there's a way, for me at least, to always be able to stand above the misery and pain without getting dragged down by it. But I guess the actor never completely disappears, and eventually he makes his comeback...

My wife watched the movie Gandhi tonight, because she's planning a presentation at her church tomorrow about him--she's Director of Religious Education at a Unitarian Universalist church, and she wants to teach the kids something about Gandhi. There will be four-year-olds in her audience, so it may be a tough job to get the ideas across. LOL Anyway I watched it with her. The movie is really inspiring, even though I've seen it two or three times before. One of the special features mentions a quote from Albert Einstein, who said something like, "Future generations will scarcely believe that such a man walked the earth in flesh and blood." This is exactly the sense I came away with after watching this movie again. And it made me see my own life in a new way. You might want to add this to your list of resource materials, if you haven't already.

I'm very glad I met you, Gib. These discussions with you are doing me worlds of good.

 

A fascinating and thought-provoking one. I'm grateful you told us about it, mara-aum.

 

exactly! although there are spirit enteties that are so dark...i qualify them as demons ...but really i think lucifer gets misunderstood. he is the angel of light...meaning he illuminates the dark things in us (anger, guilt, fear) so that we are 'aware' enough to heal.

i resented school, church & family for betraying the guides and angels --i learned "the establishment" was sharing half truthes with the populace and using fear & guilt as control. its fear & guilt that also resonates with darker spirits making people vulnerable to them.

i never once felt like a demon was "in me" (thankfully)--i felt like something was "clinging to me" it was more like i was in a tug of war...i was the rope, pulled at each end--one end by the light--the other by the dark.

about the boils: yup they just appeared. as an example: one day my priest brought me in for something like a 'show & tell' for a few other priests. they had a brand new unblessed crusafix that my grandma had bought for me. i stood in the room barefoot--they all examined my feet beforehand. as the priest began to bless the crusafix the souls of my feet erupted. excrusiating pain. the look of horror on these priests faces--i can laugh at it now looking back, but at the time--seeing them so freaked out REALLY freaked me out!!!!

about my dad...thankfully his crimes were against society--not me. he was always wonderful to me and got a kick out of my gifts. it was his lifestyle that was putrid....he truly lived in evil decadence but to me, he was very kind--thank GOD he never touched me (that way) --sad that we live in a world where kids that aren't molested see themselves as lucky eh?

by the way: ask anything you wish of me--i'm an open book!

 

Exactly!

Are you talking about quantum mechanics? 'Cause some physicists see QM and consciousness/awareness fitting nicely together.

That can be good. It means the actor is damn good at his job. You know what they say - the best actors and actresses are those who get completely lost in the roll, fully convinced they are the character and the story is real.

Do, remember, though, this is just a perspective that allows one to maintain a sense of dignity - like they're not giving up on life or themselves. It ISN'T meant to make the pain any less - for that, you need to change certain elements in the plotline - things like your lifestyle, who you hang around with, what you're doing career-wise, etc. plus a lot of inner monolgue such as how you see yourself and the world... but you already know all that.

Movies are easy. I don't have a long list of those. If there's ever a good movie that's recommended to me, all I need is to rent it and watch it on a Saturday evening. Thanks.

Same here. You and mara are now on my list of "great people" I've met on forums like these (I also frequent a couple philosophy forums and a couple science forums). It's sort of a hobby of mine to go around "collecting" people - don't let that scare you - it just means I keep a collection of memories of people that stand out and think about them now and again - quite a tapestry of personalities they make up. In fact, it might sound silly, but one of my dreams is to keep in contact with some of these people in the hopes that, one day, we could form a group (like a club or a social network) of people who are somehow "special" or "unique" in some way. I don't know what we'd do as a group - probably just start our own forum - but I feel that as "special" people we'd be able to pool our gifts and abilities together and *something* good might come out of it - you know what they say about great minds.

But that's a long-term dream. It probably won't happen any time soon, and even if it does, I have no clue where we should take it. Oh well, as with all great things, it shouldn't be rushed.

 

I hope you're right.

I'd love to hear what the guides and angels told you about the world.

Yeah, "clinging" is the right word to describe that "parasite" I was talking about in another thread. I don't usually think of it as another entity unto itself - I've settled on the interpretation that it's just my tendency to slip into negative moods now and then. If it is a parasite, it's a physical one, and it's called my own brain. This touches on what zengizmo talked about in another thread - that "demons" emerge in one's life when one has cut off a certain part of him/herself. So the question for me is, if this is really just a network of overly sensitive neurons in the "depression" center of my brain, should I want to be parted with it, or should I accept it as just part of who I am?

Yeah, that would freak me out too.

You must love your dad. It must have been painful know the kind of lifestyle he lives, especially when he went off to jail. You must have worried yourself sick over him. Do you still worry?

Anyway, I don't mean to make my life out to sound miserable and full of pain. I'm actually quite happy now-a-days, but the depression and low self-esteme does get to me once in a while, sometimes lasting weeks. I would like to have some closure on the "demon" issue. Based on what you've been telling me, it sounds like I'm making a fair interpretation in terms of my demons being drug induced symbols of my own issues, but there's always that voice from the back of my mind that grates on me: "It was real. It was real. It was real." It told me that my life was fucked, irrevokably fucked, that I was doomed, and there was no escape. This was on an acid trip back in 96. It didn't tell me how or when or whether it was just me or the entire world. Everything I see on the news, and everything negative that befalls me, I wonder "could this be it? Could this be the impending doom?" You know, like global warming, terrorist attacks. I remember seeing that not even death would save me, 'cause my destiny was to suffer in hell forever.

This stuff doesn't keep me awake at night - I've gotten over the fear a long time ago and I can laugh at these silly delusions now - but the voice is still there, however silent, and I keep asking myself "What if... what if... what if?" I'm afraid of what will happen to me after I die. I'm afraid they might be waiting for me to drag me into hell. So I feel I've rid myself of "demons" (however you want to interpret that) in this life, but I have no idea of telling whether I've got rid of them in general (i.e. waiting for me in the afterlife). This is what I need closure on. This is the fear that would be such a weight liften off me if it could be lifted.

Anyway, sorry for the downer. My life really isn't that bad, I swear .

 

Yup. Like the story about each member of an electron pair always "knowing" the spin of its twin, so that if the spin of one changes, the spin of the other also changes, no matter how far the two are separated.

With regard to psychic phenomena, this again brings to mind what I said in another post about my belief that psychic "energy" is not electromagnetic. As I mentioned before, electromagnetic forces are impeded by distance and physical barriers, whereas psychic insights are not. When I was inside my girlfriend's head that time, we were separated by 2000 miles. The curvature of the earth's surface would have been enough to stop any electromagnetic waves from passing between us. And I won't accept the possibility that the waves bounced off the stratosphere, either, because our brains are far too weak as transmitters--the energy would have been absorbed by the surrounding air molecules in very short order.

But if the entire universe were a product of consciousness/awareness, then that awareness obviously could be in all parts of the universe simultaneously, couldn't it? There would be no distance barrier, because to the universal awareness, distance is just a thought, not a "real" thing.

Yeah, I think I see what you're saying. And the pain is meant to be experienced, anyway. And I think we're meant to live life on the edge sometimes, in order to stretch our boundaries.

You're going to occupy a special place in my memories, too. Just don't tempt me with the term "great." LOL My ego is problem enough as it is. The greatest people and spirits are practically invisible, but they do so much that mostly goes unseen. There are some like that on this forum.

But it IS good to be with people who verify and inspire my thoughts, as you and Mara-aum do, as well as many others I have "collected."

 

This idea gave me an "aha" experience--I want to take this one with me. Hmmm...could this be what my spirit guides are doing when they annoy the hell out of me--illuminating my anger?

But as Jesus said as he was hanging on the cross, "Forgive them Father, because they don't know what they're doing." One can only hope that Lucifer does his job on them, so they start to see what they're doing.

And I thought stuff like that only happened in movies...hearing about this sort of thing helps solidify my faith in the reality of the spirit world.

I want to share what happened to me a few days ago.

I was seriously depressed for a few days. It was mainly from brooding about how my spirit guide had treated me, in her human form. It was an anguished, despairing kind of depression, but also with a deep undercurrent of anger and resentment. And she was really responding in my mind, with sympathy, love, and attention--but it wasn't getting through to me.

I rode the commuter train in this state of mind one morning. When I got to work I went into the deli I frequent to get my yogurt and coffee for breakfast. I was in almost physical pain from my depression, but I tried to act normal. As I approached one of the shelves, a cute woman on the staff there that I like and have made a special effort to greet when I come in suddenly appeared from the kitchen. She just stood looking at me with a nice smile. I smiled back and said "Good morning"--and then she just turned around and went back into the kitchen. It was as if she'd known I was there and had come out to give me a smile to cheer me up. Then I went to the cashier and paid for my food. She gave me my change, and I said "Thank you." She said nothing at all, but just looked at me. This made me pause in putting my money away. I looked up at her, and she said, "I'm sorry." I gave her a little smile, and then went up to the office.

This little experience was, to me, a gift from the spirits, and this sort of thing also solidifies my faith.

I neglected to mention...the cashier is an immigrant from Puerto Rico. I don't know where the cute, quiet one is from, but I might learn more, eventually. I do know that she's Hispanic, like most of the staff in this deli.

Muy agradecido, mis amigas.